DH's extreme reaction

[Thelaundrylady]

I really need some help with getting things into perspective right now.

Yesterday was my birthday and my DM bought me a12 month membership to our local leisure centre ( gym, swimming pool, classes) as she knows that I want to regain my fitness levels and lose some of the weight that I have gained over the last year or so.
I thought that this was a lovely gift and told my DH about it.
He has gone absolutely nuts about it saying its a waste of money, I shouldn't have accepted it, that I should have asked DM for cash instead so that we can put it towards next years holiday, how dare I expect him to look after DC so I can go to the gym (which i don't) I'm being selfish etc. We had a massive argument and he drove off to god knows where and is still not back home as yet.
It seems such a ridiculously extreme reaction but I don't know if I'm missing something ??

Goodness, that's a really weird reaction!

What's he normally like?

He can be difficult at times and has been known to over react in the past.
He is older than me and although I don't give a toss the age gap bothers him.
He believes that if I am going to the gym it must be because I'm not happy with him and am toning up to find someone else which is both ridiculous and bloody insulting

Sounds like he has self esteem issues. They shouldn't be allowed to control you though.

A serious discussion needed once everyone can be calm I think.

Don't let him talk you out of the gym though.

I've told him that I will be using my membership I will not be dictated too. I am getting worried though as he's still not come home.

So... He's basically saying you can't go to the gym.

Not acceptable.

He sounds like a controlling arsehole. Honestly not a day goes by that I am not flooded with relief at being single, after reading threads on here.

NickiFury There are some of us in mature, open, honest relationships, we just don't start threads about them on MN!!

OP, he sounds super insecure. But his reaction is so childish, I don't really have any good advice cos I would have no time at all for somebody who behaves like that.

Enjoy the gym! Working out is great! :)

I might be completely barking up the wrong tree (and sorry for the cynicism), but I wonder if there's any possibility of an OW.

Have just read so many experiences where one of the 'signs' was that the partner would begin picking fights out of nowhere so that they could go spend time with the OW without having to answer too many questions.

Might be worth keeping filed in the back of your mind in case other weird behaviour starts to surface.

NickiFury There are some of us in mature, open, honest relationships, we just don't start threads about them on MN!!

I'm sure there are. I still feel grateful to be single after reading certain threads on MN though. Nothing personal.

Agree that's an odd reaction. It's a sign of some other issue troubling him. No strangers here can guess at that. You will have the best ability to guess at the problem.

It's like (say) you hate the fact your husband slams the front door every day. You ask him not to be he still does. One day he slams the front door and comes in and asks you to cook him a steak. You explode about the fact that you are not a restaurant and steak is unhealthy. When really you are angry about the door slamming.

There is something underpinning this. It could be anything - he feels fat and wants to exercise himself; he feels he should have been able to provide this for you but can't'; he's jealous that someone else got you a gift you really enjoy and so on.

A million different options that no one here can answer.

You need to sit him down and talk it through.

Yikes, that's a terrible reaction and one that should raise some red flags.

Does he think you can't have a present from your mum that's just for you? Why should it be a contribution to the family finances?

Why is he angry at you 'expecting' him to look after your DC (though I get you say you're not)? Does he not ever do any childcare?

Does he generally have a problem with you doing activities independently?

What kind of partner doesn't want their partner to do something that helps them to be healthier and fitter?

He probably thinks you're gonna get fit and healthy and find a younger, fitter, healthier man to run off with.

Insecurity is a very ugly trait that can make people act in ridiculous ways.

I was thinking the same keep.

Hope you are ok, op.

Controlling, jealous, resentful of looking after his own children, angry, immature (he is sulking and teaching you a lesson by not coming home when expected), 'difficult', 'over-reacts' occasionally, and clearly thinks this sort of shit is reasonable and expects you to put up with it.

Turn off the lights and go to bed. Don't contact him to ask where he is.

Lots of red flags here - this is a power play on his part. Stick to your guns and do not back down or let him fob off childcare on your mother.

Me too Nicki

OP He thinks you going to the gym is a sign you are'nt happy with him?

Why the fuck would anyone be happy with the shit he's dishing out?

He thinks your Mum should have bought you a birthday present that benefits HIM? Prat.

He is insecure and jealous although I've never given him any reason to be. I don't think there's OW but you never know.
He's still not home which is completely out of character for him and i am getting worried. I don't know whether to call the police or not

Are you in the UK? Does he have a close friend he'd have gone to?

Honestly the best thing you could do is go to bed as usual, doesn't matter what games he plays or how he tries to control you, you aren't playing any more. I realise that's hard if you're in a controlling relationship and have become used to a certain way of reacting.

He's just got back home

Where has he been? Has he apologised?

Certainly this side of his personality is extremely unattractive, his positives would want to be very positive. What's with not wanting to look after his own child?

He sounds like a fucking nightmare.

Go to the gym and I hope you do meet someone nicer

In agreement with PPs here that his behaviour sounds suspicious and there could be an OW involved, jealous types are often unfaithful types unfortunately. I'd be seriously questioning where he's been the past few hours, and that's apart from the fact that he sounds like a total shit anyway.

Have you backed down in the past to placate him? He thinks he can control you.

He sounds dreadful. How old are the children?

Whilst you're on the treadmill might be a good time to think about what you want for your future