DH's extreme reaction

[Thelaundrylady]

I really need some help with getting things into perspective right now.

Yesterday was my birthday and my DM bought me a12 month membership to our local leisure centre ( gym, swimming pool, classes) as she knows that I want to regain my fitness levels and lose some of the weight that I have gained over the last year or so.
I thought that this was a lovely gift and told my DH about it.
He has gone absolutely nuts about it saying its a waste of money, I shouldn't have accepted it, that I should have asked DM for cash instead so that we can put it towards next years holiday, how dare I expect him to look after DC so I can go to the gym (which i don't) I'm being selfish etc. We had a massive argument and he drove off to god knows where and is still not back home as yet.
It seems such a ridiculously extreme reaction but I don't know if I'm missing something ??

So he gave you two reasons: money and childcare.
Are you in financial trouble? Might he be without your knowledge?
Does he do all the childcare and you don't help? Does he have the same leisure tine as you do?

If it is not any of the reasons he has given you, I like ZBWRDSM suggestion.

His reaction was OTT n any case and you shouldn't put up with this treatment. Enjoy the gym by the way. It makes so much good to both body and mind...

My exh would have reacted exactly the same (maybe not the driving off.) I could never have gone to the gym or anywhere in fact if it had any impact on him. He would never have looked after the children for me to do anything even if they were in bed so a regular commitment like a gym membership he would have freaked out.

I think that's a lovely present and I hope you enjoy it. Don't let him stop you going a single time.

He's a controlling arsehole. Even the flouncing off is controlling as you are sitting the worrying about him.

XH had the same problem with me going to the gym, ie it was in order to look good for somebody else, and the never-ending suspicion is what broke us up in the end (although it wasn't the only thing we should have broken up over). He never had a problem with staying in with the DC, though.

Oh ohhh this sounds like tip of the iceberg

I wonder if he has been wanting to join the same place for himself, because he wants to tone himself up and hopefully attract a new partner he can run off with, but has decided that he can't afford the fees?

There need not be any mysterious double life going on.

He could be just a common-or-garden abusive man. He has all the signs of it, including the motto 'What's yours should be mine'. In this case 'What should be yours should be mine'.

Abusers tend to have poor boundaries.

OP, I am wondering if you would care to describe how he is 'difficult'?

How has he 'over reacted' in the past?

So you're not allowed to go to the gym and him mind the dc but he can throw a hissy and presumably your left looking after the dc

He sounds jealous of your gift.

Did he apologise for his bizarre reaction?

It's your bloody birthday present and a very nice one too. Your mother can obviously see that you need some time to yourself and maybe a bit of cheering up. Very insightful of her, mums know best so don't give in.

Amazing to think he considers it reasonable to dictate what your family is allowed to buy you for your birthday. You're not allowed to get fit in case it somehow makes you unfaithful, and any gift to you should actually be for your family. Jesus.

Thank you all for your replies. We are reasonably well off financially so I don't think that's the issue. His ex wife got him into quite a lot of debt so he worries about money constantly. We could afford for him to join the gym too without causing us any financial difficulty.

mathanxiety another example of his difficult behaviour would be last Christmas Day. One of sisters has a lovely baby picture of him in his christening gown. I have often commented on it so as a gift Dsis in law has a copy framed for me. He got really angry when I opened it saying he hates his baby photos and that I was not allowed to keep it - it ruined Xmas.
There is no obvious reason for him to have this reaction to the picture. He comes from a lovely family, parents are good, kind people and he is close to both of his sisters.

So he simply likes to have it his own way?

PP were right to suggest you ignore his behaviour. Driving off like that is immature with sole aim to punish you & make you worry, which worked.

Your mum buying you this lovely caring gift is beyond his control and guess what, he doesn't like it one bit. Ditto for the thoughtful photo frame gift from SIL.

His bizarre reactions are the equivalent of a toddler stamping their foot because they've not got their own way. It's controlling and I hope you're not going to out up with it anymore. I know that's difficult when you've become accustomed to placating him.

He is taking out his insecurities on you.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy the gym sessions.

He sounds like a tit

I hope you are planning on using the membership, don't feel pressured into giving it back

What did you end up doing with the baby photo??

I will definitely be using my membership. Mum also bought one for my DD so we'll go together. My BF also has a membership to the same gym so I will go with her too.

Sadly I don't know where the picture is now I think he has either hidden it or thrown it away

His ex wife got him into quite a lot of debt so he worries about money constantly.

I'll just bet she did no such thing.

And I agree with PPs: thinking you'll just cheat on him is probably projecting.

What did he buy you for Christmas and your birthday? Do you think he's lashing out because they're more thoughtful gifts than whatever he chose for you? Not that it's an excuse for his behaviour, mind you.

Sounds like your mum is wise to what your husband is like, and has bought gifts for you and your daughter which cannot be taken or destroyed by your husband.

I too think this could be a well chosen gift on the part of your mum, maybe she's done this to show you what he's like.

If he has concerns, it's up to him to raise and discuss them, his reaction is not acceptable in a normal loving relationship.

His ex wife did get him into a lot of debt - I know this for a fact.

He bought me my favourite perfume for my birthday, I can't remember what he got me for Xmas

My word what a very strange reaction.

My DH would never dream of telling me such a thing. Who does he think he is to dictate you going to the gym and to tell your mum to give you the money.

There is nowhere my DH would attempt to stop me going and vice versa.

Storming out of the house like that is madness and yes, it's a common thing when there is an OW.

Not all men behave like this to the PP who alluded to such. You get to see the worse of them via their wives here on MN.

I simply could not be married to a man who behaved this way. I'd be furious that he even suggested I refuse the gift. How dare he.

Sadly, when you tolerate this behaviour it's a green light for them to carry on.

He hated the baby picture because he's still a big baby.

I'm being completely ignored now because I've spoken to my BF about the situation - I'm taking the kids and grandkids swimming he can bloody well sulk

He sounds like a bellend.