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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's extreme reaction

165 replies

Thelaundrylady · 06/08/2016 01:35

I really need some help with getting things into perspective right now.

Yesterday was my birthday and my DM bought me a12 month membership to our local leisure centre ( gym, swimming pool, classes) as she knows that I want to regain my fitness levels and lose some of the weight that I have gained over the last year or so.
I thought that this was a lovely gift and told my DH about it.
He has gone absolutely nuts about it saying its a waste of money, I shouldn't have accepted it, that I should have asked DM for cash instead so that we can put it towards next years holiday, how dare I expect him to look after DC so I can go to the gym (which i don't) I'm being selfish etc. We had a massive argument and he drove off to god knows where and is still not back home as yet.
It seems such a ridiculously extreme reaction but I don't know if I'm missing something ??

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 07/08/2016 11:05

OP, has he actually managed to come up with any sort of plausible reason for this totally weird reaction? Ok, he's apologised but why the hell did he react like that?

It's interesting that both of the examples of his overreacting were occasions when you received a gift. Does he have some awful childhood memories of being excluded or something? I'm not excusing his twatty behaviour, rather trying to understand it. If he did want to make amends he should be going to see a therapist and working out what makes him feel and behave so very badly.

The suicide threats were quite unbelievably stupid. Tell him in no uncertain terms if he ever pulls another stunt like that you will be alerting the Police.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2016 11:07

"Attila that's a rather massive assumption that DC with leave home and never visit us again"

I simply stated that they will not want to visit you regularly if at all given what is happening within your home. Who would want to come back to that?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, how it is you chose this man?. I was also wondering if you yourself grew up with an emotionally absent father yourself or otherwise controlling parent/s?.

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 11:09

AnotherEmma thank you for the link. I have had a quick read and can honestly say that I don't recognise DH's behaviour in that list apart from wanting to be in control.
He would never humiliate me or put me down in public nor does he disregard my opinion. Quite the opposite in fact.
The majority of the time he is compassionate and caring apart from Xmas day and my birthday when he was a complete twat!
He always tells me and other people how proud he is of me and my accomplishments. I don't need permission to spend money and in our relationship it's me that knows exactly how we are doing financially - he tends to say to me 'I need to buy something have we got enough.. We have one bank account all money goes in, all money comes out and it works well for us.
He has never pointed out my shortcomings and when I do he will tell me how daft in being and how perfect I am to him.
I do not believe hat he is abusive but I do believe that he gets jealous and insecure and this has got worse since he had a significant birthday last year which has made him worry about our age gap (there's only 8 years between us). I'm sure he thinks that now he's older I'll be looking for a new model which is ridiculous.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2016 11:09

Inidividual counselling for you is a good idea.

FWIW I doubt very much that you would ever get him into any kind of counselling at all (he thinks he has done nothing wrong here) and joint counselling is really a non starter here particularly with Relate.

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 11:14

Hmmm. Well if "just" an issue of jealousy and insecurity, it's salvageable, but it's 100% his issue to deal with. Would he consider getting counselling for himself to work on it?
Having a tantrum every time you're given a lovely present is not acceptable.

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 11:23

Matilda it's interesting that you say that because i asked the very same question. Especially given his reaction over the baby photo.
He is the youngest of 3 and has 2 older sisters. From what Dsis in laws and DPIL tell me as the baby of the family he was spoilt and never wanted for anything.
He was brought up surrounded by strong women. MIL and DSis in law are all strong ladies. PIL are in their 80's and have a wonderful marriage although very traditional (MIL did work though).
My DM is also a very strong lady. My DF was a wonderful man, quieter than DM but definitely not emotionally absent.
DH is very family oriented and quite traditional although we do share everything in the home 50/50 as we both work FT.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 11:26

I quite agree AnotherEmma it is completely his issue to sort out. I will not change to manage his jealousy.

The strange thing is that when we are out together if another man looks at me he takes it as a compliment!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 11:31

It's not strange. It makes sense in his twisted world, in which you are his possession. When he's with you he can take pride in other men's admiration. It's the idea of other men admiring you without him being present to assert his ownership and control that freaks him out.

The thought of being with someone like that makes me shudder.

I do wonder if you're in denial about the extent of his control and abuse.

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 12:01

I'd not looked at it like that before.

I really don't think I'm in denial and I don't think DH is abusive but I will keep in mind what you've said.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 12:04

OK, thanks for listening. I hope I'm wrong.

MatildaTheCat · 07/08/2016 12:07

Ok, last bit of armchair psychology, so if he was the youngest and a boy after 2 girls, was he treated like The Little Prince? Spoiled and over Indulged? Prone to tantrums on someone else's special day because 'its not faiaiair?'

Sounds like he wants to be the centre of attention on these celebration days and flips when he isn't given Special Boy status.

If that's the case then he's totally wet but he might be able to wring himself out and keep check of his stupidity. Spoiling both your Christmas and your birthday really is bloody mean.

Lorelei76 · 07/08/2016 12:08

I agree with Atilla - I am the offspring who massively reduced contact because of this sort of idiocy. Well, no, that's not fair - my dad is no way as big an arse as to do this kind of thing. If this is a 10 on a scale of 1-10 "attention seeking arse" then dad is about a 5.

whether or not we are related has no bearing on whether or not I'm willing to do a long journey and just hear nonsense.

Of course you are not responsible for his behaviour. I'm just pointing this out so you don't get the shock that many people get when they realise their kids won't visit them lots just because they are their kids. I miss spending more time with my mum but sadly they are both elderly and kind of stuck in the house, so visiting one means visiting the other, though dad at least has the decency to leave us alone to get some quality time in.

it is controlling. If my dad did that to my mum, I'd tell her to leave.

tribpot · 07/08/2016 12:10

Has he spoilt other birthdays? The recurring theme seems to be a need to spoil gifts you receive from others. That does have the hallmarks of the Little Prince, as Matilda mentions.

Lorelei76 · 07/08/2016 12:14

PS the thing about the photo - it is a photo of him, so I am more understanding of that btw.

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 12:24

He absolutely was the little prince of the family. He has never ruined any other birthdays or xmas's though - this is very out of character.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 07/08/2016 14:05

If this is really out of character- the death threats, exreme over reactions, etc have you considered some kind of early Alzheimer's?

And sorry- just to repeat my earlier question, did he text his son and threaten suicide over your gym membership gift?

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 14:16

It's not early on-set Alzheimer's , he's just being a jealous arse.

Yes he messaged eldest DS AngryI didn't need to tear him a new arsehole over this though DS did it himself

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/08/2016 14:32

Most men would love their wives taking pride in their appearance like this. I do wonder whether you'd have got the same reaction if your DM had bought you anything else for the same monetary value. Like a piece of jewellery.

Is it a gym issue or a money issue?

The fact that there are some very fit men at the gym could be affecting him. Jealousy and insecurity.

Is he physically fit looking himself?

Goingtobeawesome · 07/08/2016 14:39

I wouldn't want to speak for anyone else but the comments about not doing anything about his controlling behaviour might have been because it appears there are no consequences for it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/08/2016 14:40

Has he apologised yet? Offered to make amends?

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 14:58

Sandy - I believe it's the gym that's the problem.
It's all to do with me wanting to get fitter. Both of us have put weight on over the last year or so. He is comfortable with his physique , I'm not with mine.

We haven't talked today as he is working nights this weekend so alseep right now.
We are going out next week when he finishes so that we can talk properly without being overheard by one of the DC

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 07/08/2016 15:08

I think that's a really strange attitude to take about him sending his son that message- I would find that utterly reprehensible.

The fact that you say this is out of character- but not that out of character to warrant concern about a medical illness says to me this is just abusive behaviour and you accept it.

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 15:28

Scary - I have never said that I am accepting of this behaviour and I am certainly not ignoring it.

Not all out of character behaviour is the result of a medical illness nor is it always because the person displaying it is abusive.

When my DH has finished his night shifts we will be having serious discussions about what has occurred

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 16:00

He might not be abusive but he is certainly jealous, controlling and manipulative. If he is texting his son about suicide, it's either a mental health issue or lack of boundaries, or both.

maras2 · 07/08/2016 16:29

Hiya laundrylady I was on your thread a while ago about DSS and his anti social behaviour.You chucked him out and quite rightly too but is it him that was with you early hours of the morning when eejit DH was threatening suicide? Did he manage to wrangle his way back in or is it a different DSS? Just curious.

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