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Original poster

DH's extreme reaction

165 replies

Thelaundrylady · 06/08/2016 01:35

I really need some help with getting things into perspective right now.

Yesterday was my birthday and my DM bought me a12 month membership to our local leisure centre ( gym, swimming pool, classes) as she knows that I want to regain my fitness levels and lose some of the weight that I have gained over the last year or so.
I thought that this was a lovely gift and told my DH about it.
He has gone absolutely nuts about it saying its a waste of money, I shouldn't have accepted it, that I should have asked DM for cash instead so that we can put it towards next years holiday, how dare I expect him to look after DC so I can go to the gym (which i don't) I'm being selfish etc. We had a massive argument and he drove off to god knows where and is still not back home as yet.
It seems such a ridiculously extreme reaction but I don't know if I'm missing something ??

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/08/2016 06:52

It sounds as if he was even jealous of his own baby photo that you liked so much.

How do you feel abut being jerked around like that? (Ref the comment about the life insurance). You seem to be very matter of fact about the fact that he was trying to control you. Does he try that often? You say you use humour as a coping strategy - do you have do that much?

Good for you for telling your BF about it all. His response to that indicates he really is abusive. He is trying to reduce your world to the relationship with him and the domestic stage. How much of your relationship dynamic consists of you 'coping' with that?

On the one hand it's sort of laughable, but on the other hand, it's the mark of an extreme narcissist (i.e. a person whose emotional age is not more than five) to go off the deep end as he did last night and at Christmas.

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 08:22

Mathanxiety I suppose I am quite matter of fact about his attempts to control me and be in control of our relationship. This is because I recognise it for what it is and won't let him. That is the source of most of our arguments.

Regarding how I felt about the life insurance comment , I was worried initially but then I just got angry and pissed off with him especially as he'd messaged his eldest DS too , how dare he try and use the DC to get to me..

We've been together for years and it still feels like he knows very little about me at times. The more I'm
pushed the more I'll dig my heels in and do the opposite.

I do wonder if some of his insecurities stem from the fact that not only is he older than me but I am now the higher wage earner. We couldn't manage without both salaries though.

OP posts:
MephistoMarley · 07/08/2016 08:25

So what on earth keeps you with him? You describe in this matter
Of fact way all the shitty behaviour he does (suicide threats to his child for fuck sake) but there is no hint that you plan to take any action on this.

neonrainbow · 07/08/2016 08:33

So you say you wont put up with it but he keeps doing it. So you not putting up with it obviously isn't very effective. I had an ex who was like this. Now im married to an amazing man who doesn't play stupid mind games and i dont have to worry about what stupid bullshit he's going to try next. How can you really love a man like this?

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 07/08/2016 08:41

Did he message the life insurance comment to his son? Angry

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 08:46

I am still with him because the good far outweighs the bad. 90% of our relationship is great and don't believe for one minute that any relationship is perfect.
I don't do knee jerk reactions and I like to consider all options before making my decisions especially ones that have consequences for the whole family. I have suggested to him that we go to relate which he says he is open to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 08:48

Yes his 23 yr old Angry fortunately he was with me at the time and just told his dad to 'grow the fuck up'!

OP posts:
MephistoMarley · 07/08/2016 09:12

Oh yeah right ok the good outweighs the bad Hmm
Thing is, most people's 'bad' is being a grumpy twat on not enough sleep, or leaving dirty clothes on the floor, or forgetting to lock the back door repeatedly. So no relationship is perfect but when the 'bad' is manipulative, controlling behaviour including suicide threats as a means of control I highly dispute that any type of good can outweigh that

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 09:18

We will have to agree to disagree on that then.

OP posts:
chocolatemuppet · 07/08/2016 09:19

Thing is, all relationships have flaws. None are perfect. I often look at friends' relationships and think - I couldn't / wouldn't put up with that! And I'm sure they do the same with mine. OP has got her head screwed on - she is fully aware, but doesn't want to leave him for many reasons. Yes, he's been a controlling arse - but it sounds like she has got his number - she came on here for a rant, support and a sympathetic ear - it doesn't mean she wants to be talked into leaving him.

MephistoMarley · 07/08/2016 09:26

I'm not trying to talk anyone into leaving anyone. I simply remarked on how strange it is that she is accepting of this completely disgusting behaviour. Sometimes you need the shock of other people to see that a situation is really not normal.
If you really think this behaviour can be balanced out by the nice stuff then great. I wonder if your kids will tell you they are glad you stayed or wish you had left when they are adults?

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 09:34

I am honestly not accepting of his behaviour and I do recognise that what he did was not normal. I will absolutely not allow our DC to think that this is normal behaviour either which is why I have suggested relate.

OP posts:
rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 07/08/2016 09:40

he sent me a txt saying enjoy the life insurance...

Drama queen. He sounds a pain in the bum all round tbh.

mumofthemonsters808 · 07/08/2016 09:41

I reckon my OH would react similarly if I was given this gift, his main concern would be that I would be out of the house a lot and that I'd be doing something for myself, that does not involve him or our children. I go to a kickboxing class once a week, which I admit I'm very poor at, he has tried to talk me out of going, made arrangements that clash with the class, laughed at my ability, but I go religiously week in and week out, because I enjoy it and it makes me feel damn good.Dont give into him Op, make the most of the membership.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 07/08/2016 09:42

Why on earth did he send that to his son? His sulking was with you! Plus why that particular child?

I'm not surprised you're furious. I won't say LTB as that's not what you want, but I will definitely say go to the gym! What a knobber

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2016 09:45

I would be very surprised if this man did actually go to Relate with you to be honest. I think that going on your own, and to a counsellor other than a Relate one, would be far more beneficial. Also no decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you in the same room anyway.

He does this because he can, you also tolerate this from him on some level. Inadequate men like he like supposedly strong women who take no rubbish; it gives them a further challenge. What do you know about his childhood and his own family of origin; that often gives clues.

Its all very well telling him that you will not stand for it but you have done so. The fact also remains that you have stayed within this for your own reasons.

Staying with him also has consequences for these young people in this family unit. They are learning about relationships from the two of you; just what are they being taught here?. One day these people will leave home (and not want to go back to visit mum and dad all that often if at all given all this at home either). What then for you and this individual?.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none.

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 10:19

Mumofthemonster I am absolutely going to make the most of my membership , I do very little outside of the family so I'm really looking forward to having some me time.
Good for you for carrying on with your kickboxing.

OP posts:
MotherFuckingChainsaw · 07/08/2016 10:20

Fucking hell mum what a prize arse.

For comparison my DH (who does have form for being a bit of a dick at times) accepted my announcement that I am in training for a marathon with a slight eye roll. ( and that is a commitment of training on 6 days a week for a minimum of 17 weeks) plus I do 2 other sports. And we do have kids.

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 10:25

Specialagent he messaged his eldest DS as he was at home with me . He and DGC stay with us every weekend.
To be fair to DS he just told his dad what a twat he was being

OP posts:
MilesHuntsWig · 07/08/2016 10:27

DS sounds far more grown up!!

Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 10:29

Attila that's a rather massive assumption that DC with leave home and never visit us again!
Eldest DS stays with us every weekend. Twin DS's visit every week and believe it or not the 3 younger DC are also happy, well adjusted and very much loved

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelaundrylady · 07/08/2016 10:31

Although I do agree with having individual counselling this is something I will look into

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 07/08/2016 10:31

laundry he messaged his child saying what? He was going to kill himself?

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 10:33

Lots of red flags. Controlling, jealous, angry...
Please could you read these signs of emotional abuse and tell us how many he does?
You might also find it helpful to read the abuser profiles.
Why do you love him? Why do you think the good outweighs the bad? Don't you believe you could find a partner who isn't abusive at all?

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 10:35

Oh I missed the fact that you have suggested Relate. Joint counselling is not recommended when there is abuse. Read this thread for others' experiences of Relate with partners like yours.

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