DH's extreme reaction

[Thelaundrylady]

I really need some help with getting things into perspective right now.

Yesterday was my birthday and my DM bought me a12 month membership to our local leisure centre ( gym, swimming pool, classes) as she knows that I want to regain my fitness levels and lose some of the weight that I have gained over the last year or so.
I thought that this was a lovely gift and told my DH about it.
He has gone absolutely nuts about it saying its a waste of money, I shouldn't have accepted it, that I should have asked DM for cash instead so that we can put it towards next years holiday, how dare I expect him to look after DC so I can go to the gym (which i don't) I'm being selfish etc. We had a massive argument and he drove off to god knows where and is still not back home as yet.
It seems such a ridiculously extreme reaction but I don't know if I'm missing something ??

If my dad sent me a message threatening suicide I'd call the police and get in the car and drive the 200 miles to where he lives. Because it would be really out of characer. I wouldn't 'tear him a new one' as your step son did. I don't believe this is really out of character at all.

And it's classic abusive behaviour so you're splitting hairs to be honest

Sandy- I believe it's the gym that's the problem.

I thought as much.

He's scared you'll be getting superfit and looking hot. More appealing to other men.
When you said an age gap, I thought it was about 15 years or so.

Either way, it's still a terribly extreme reaction and that's even without the life insurance comment.

My DH made a comment recently about the amount of time I'm spending at the gym and how it's affecting our time together/relationship. It wasn't said in an angry way at all though.

Maras2 no it's the same DS but he doesn't live with us now. I stuck to my guns and DH backed me all the way.

He has got his own place in the week but comes back at weekends with his girls. This is working well.

Well done for staying strong.I hope that you can resolve this other problem as well.Good luck. Mx.

Moving out has actually been the making of him. I'm very proud of how well he's turning out.

memphis has said what I ineffectually tried to say in my post.

It just feels like you recognise this is an extreme reaction, but perhaps you've become so used to his other extreme reactions, you can't appreciate just how extreme this one is?

Im another one who assumed the age gap was bigger when i read your posts OP. He is being controlling and possessive.

My DH is 23 years older than me. Ive gone from a size 28 down to a 14 so ive been every size in between

He made one comment back in the late 90s a few years before i first went to sliimming world about how he was concerned about my health. Not another peep out of him other than that.

Your Hs behaviour is ridiculous.

Memphis / Scary I do hear what you are both saying. However DH and I have been together for many years and out of all that time Christmas and this episode are the worst reactions he's ever had.
DH and I have had a stressful few months. His DS moved in with us changing the household dynamic, my DB died suddenly and we have had to sit through a week of inquests. The month after DH DM was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my DM with severe cardiac disease, youngest DS was diagnosed with ASD and DD has been stressed out over her GCSE's so it's been a tough year so far . All relationships go through difficult times and I won't give up because of these two incidents. But believe me I won't be walked over either as DH knows.

By the way if anybody recognises me in RL please don't out me

Jealous and dramatic tendencies need nipping in the bud, even if they are out of character. It has to hurt him lots and gain him nothing to behave like he has. I hope you stomp on any victim blaming and make him do stacks of childcare while you go to the gym extra for a while to prove to you that he accepts he was a twat and is sorry.

I will be Rabbit - I've already told him that

It has to hurt him lots and gain him nothing to behave like he has.

This. THIS!!!

Whilst I strongly believe that a non-abuser would NEVER act like this - no amount of stress or angst would make a person treat their loved ones badly - there is also a "time &place" element to things. OP, you don't believe he's doing this, and we respectfully disagree.

But, even if all you do is "love the sinner, hate the sin", do it properly. Make sure he feels the consequences if your wroth over his actions. Do it longer than you might feel comfortable - I'm sorry but I do think you're making an minimsing a bit, and I guaran-goddam-tee you it won't be unreasonable to err on the side of "maximising"* for a change.

*Not that you'd be.

fwiw Laundry Lady sounds like she has her head screwed on. She isn't minimizing or excusing or saying she'll forget about it. She's said she'll take comments onboard. And yes, I agree that there are many people who could be under the most extreme stress in the world and never take it out on their families, but there are equally people who are in general pretty good-hearted, but lose their shit when just one more things ticks them off.

If he attempts to minimize, dismiss, gaslight etc then that is actually more of a problem. If he's apologetic and willing to talk it over and can see what he did wrong, that's a completely different scenario. It doesn't need to involve retribution, but he may want to apologize in some way.

If he grew up the golden boy he is more used to having his feelings put first, and after dealing with a load of problems he maybe did think he was 'entitled' to a nice stash of money towards a holiday he wants, so he had a big old temper tantrum. How he reacts to this, and the fact the LL is not just taking this quietly is really what makes the difference between an abuser and someone who has been a jerk.

How much arguing happens in your relationship, TheLaundryLady?

How much are your children exposed to?

Does he ever accept that he was wrong? (You say he often engages in attempts to control you and establish a position of power in your relationship).

Does you go round and round in circles with the arguments? Do you have virtually the same argument a lot?