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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would like a female perspective

158 replies

Hopeihaveachance · 04/05/2016 18:36

Ok. So I had a bad weekend. Is not the first time Sad
Wife and I had a couple of arguments. Mostly my fault bringing up stuff that should be long forgotten about. Stiff that happened years ago.
Had a leaving drink with a few mates from work came home and for some reason it just came out. But then on the Sunday I did it again! Now my wife days she has had enough I'm sleeping in the spare room and she's taken her rings off . And tbh I couldn't blame her. But she's pregnant with our first child together (she has a 3 from a previous r ) and I don't want to lose them. I really have had enough of my stupid behaviour. I know I need to grow up. So I sent this

^I'm really really sorry I have hurt you. I wish with all my heart I hadn't said the things I said. I can promise you it will NEVER happen again because I have learned that without trust there is no relationship. I am quitting the drink completely. It makes me say and do things that hurt you and I hate that.
I want to be a part of yours and the kids, not to mention our little bumps life. I want to rub your feet when they are sore. Have you rest your legs on me when we watch the telly. Have family days. Go on holiday. I want it all with you, My beautiful wife.
I really have thought about what I have been doing and I am embarrassed by my behavior.
Please think about giving us another chance. I love you with all my heart. Xxxx^

What do you think?

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/05/2016 18:47

What stuff which should be long forgotten?

Original poster
Hopeihaveachance · 04/05/2016 18:55

Don't really want to get into it tbh. Things that I made more out of than it was let's just put it like that! (1st wife was a serial cheat, insecurities I guess)

OP posts:
ButIbeingpoor · 04/05/2016 18:55

Ok, you seem to have really hurt her and you are sorry and have expressed that quite well.
Actions speak louder than words. Do something that shows her you mean what you wrote.
Not knowing what you said or to what you referred, do you think some sort of counselling or frank discussion with her could get you to put that matter behind you? If an issue is left unresolved it could fester and cause further problems again.
Good luck.

DoreenLethal · 04/05/2016 18:57

What do you want people to day?

We don't know what behaviour has led to this, and if you can't face telling strangers then what hope for you to sort it out with your wife?

Lillygolightly · 04/05/2016 18:58

Your message to her is all fine and good but only if you really mean it and stick to what you say and keep the promises you have made.

If she has gotten to the point of such frustration with you that she has kicked you into the spare room and taken off her rings this is NO small matter for her and not something that can simply be forgotten. There can be no mention of past issues and there can be no drinking again if she decided to forgive you. Had you made such promises to me and then gone back on them I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you and a relationship without trust is no relationship at all, and so it would be over, simple as that.

When your pregnant feeling emotional and vulnerable it is NO time to be focussing on the past or making recriminations. Whatever this issues from the past are, LET THEM GO, there are in the past!! You cannot change what has gone before, you can not hound her with things she/you should have/could have done differently. She is pregnant with your child, its tough enough in a nice fine and dandy relationship, with a partner who doesn't bring up your past! Step up, support her how you should do, and from your post I am in no doubt in the fact that you know exactly what your should be doing and how, your just choosing not to! Be the man she needs you to, the man of her present and future not the man who makes her relive the past!!!

MrsHathaway · 04/05/2016 19:02

My initial reaction is that your message to her is all "me me me" and reduces her to a bit of a vessel. Nothing about her brain or her life experiences.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/05/2016 19:05

You have to deal with your issues, by confronting them and seeking help. Receiving apologies for the same repeated behaviour wears thin really, really quickly.

NickiFury · 04/05/2016 19:05

I used to get loads of those kinds of messages from my drunk arsehole ex husband. He stopped sending them in the end because he never kept to them and his behaviour just got worse and worse. I suspect you'll be the same.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 19:07

It makes me say and do things that hurt you

No it doesn't. You did that alllll by yourself. And you keep on doing it.

Buzzardbird · 04/05/2016 19:09

Has she cheated on you in the past?

VulcanWoman · 04/05/2016 19:13

Time will tell if you stick to your word, talk is cheap, prove it. Give up the drink, it doesn't suit you. Best wishes to you and the family that could be.

Original poster
Hopeihaveachance · 04/05/2016 19:15

I really do mean it. From the bottom of my heart. She's an amazing woman and I've been a dick for far too long.
I know my selfish behavior has to stop and stop now. I just hope it's not too late
I think I will now just give her space. Work on being a better husband step dad and future father.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 04/05/2016 19:19

"It's not the first time" so in fact, how regularly, do you verbally attack your pregnant wife? And why won't you say a little more about what your issues are? Are they serious issues or are you just a bit of a bully when you've had a few pints?

Offred · 04/05/2016 19:20

So I'm surmising that you got into this relationship without dealing properly with the fall out from the last relationship and have proceeded to project your insecurities about being cheated on onto her. You've been verbally abusive to her when drunk and given she is pregnant she doesn't want to be near you now....

I think you need to respect what she wants to happen now. Pleading apologies can feel like emotional blackmail. You need to actually deal with your insecurities and some time alone would be good for you to do that IMO.

Offred · 04/05/2016 19:22

Not sure why a 'male' brain benefits from 'female perspective' on this either. Not beyond the capabilities of a man to understand you shouldn't project your insecurities onto someone else and that a pregnant woman may feel more vulnerable when subjected to verbal abuse....Hmm

AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 19:23

You sound like a dick, mate.

You will lose her. And who could blame her ?

Quit the fucking self pity, it jars badly.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/05/2016 19:24

Did you really mean it the last time you apologised too? Why should she believe you this time?

Lillygolightly · 04/05/2016 19:36

Oh no, your first wife was a serial cheat!! That is terrible, poor you. Now get this...she NOT your ex-wife. You have been together for some years now...Iong enough to see that she indeed not your EX-WIFE. You have felt secure enough to enter into marriage and now down the road of parenthood together....well what on earth did you do that for if you weren't sure about the relationship???

Insecurities left over from your previous relationship - totally understandable. Making your current wife pay for ex-wife's behaviour - absolutely NOT OK!!!

I don't need to hear what the past issues are because I can gather that. No doubt your wife has some male friend or work collegue or something along those lines and you have made something that is nothing into some huge big thing and you like a dog with a bone and you will not let it go!! Poor her, she chose to marry you, chose to let you enter the lives of her older child, chose to start a family with YOU and that is still not enough!!! You repeatedly ask her questions about 'said incident/s' hoping to catch her out, or figure out some lie that is just not there! To be honest after marrying you, bringing you into my family and becoming pregnant to you, if that wasn't enough to make you feel secure and shut you up I would kick you to the kerb to in favour of a quiet life. She's done single Motherhood before, she wont be afraid to do it again if you continue to make her life a misery by torturing her with your insecurities!

springydaffs · 04/05/2016 19:52

I don't know what you've heard about MN but it's the opposite of fluffy.

Those sentiments in your message to her mean zero - to her if you are a serial offender and want to think you're a great guy; or to us on MN because we don't know the story - and you're not prepared to tell it. In order to give an informed response to your op you're going to have to give the details, not just the apparently glowing end result.

Don't tell me you want us to go aw at your message to her? There's absolutely no way to understand what you're saying without the history.

Seeyounearertime · 04/05/2016 20:05

I'd imagine that OP has accused his OH of cheating when she actually wasn't.
Now those suspicions creep up all the time but he keeps them to himself until he's had beer in him, then it all comes out.

Sounds like his OH has had just about enough of the drunken behaviour and the ridiculous accusations that are based on nothing.

springydaffs · 04/05/2016 20:10

I'd imagine

precisely. We can't possibly know.

Unless the op wants us and his wife to be dazzled by his message and that's all he's after. From her and from us.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/05/2016 20:21

I imagine by posting the message you sent, you were hoping for applause, encouragement and a chorus of, 'She'd be a fool to ditch you after such a big, romantic gesture.' Your DW has enough to be getting on with, without putting up with your shitty behaviour. If you value your wife, your family and your marriage, do something constructive to mend it. Promises, which are used too often and are never kept, ring hollow. She sounds at the end of her tether. It might already be too late to salvage your relationship, but then you probably realise that. Give her the time and space to decide what she wants, and you use that time to seek help for your issues.

BertPuttocks · 04/05/2016 21:01

I don't think your behaviour will change until you really do acknowledge that you are responsible for what comes out of your mouth.

Look at the language you use in your OP (supposedly after you have really thought about what you've been doing):

"..for some reason it just came out."

Nope. You chose to say what you said.

" I am quitting the drink completely. It makes me say and do things that hurt you.."

Nope again. The drink doesn't make you say or do anything. The responsibility is entirely your own.

SleepingTiger · 04/05/2016 21:04

Stop posting on here and face up to putting your words into action. Go and do some jobs round the house (to start with) and show her you can provide in every way possible.

LillyLol · 04/05/2016 21:19

OP what has she said she wants from you now? She took her rings off and moved into the spare room but what did she say?

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