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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would like a female perspective

158 replies

Hopeihaveachance · 04/05/2016 18:36

Ok. So I had a bad weekend. Is not the first time
Wife and I had a couple of arguments. Mostly my fault bringing up stuff that should be long forgotten about. Stiff that happened years ago.
Had a leaving drink with a few mates from work came home and for some reason it just came out. But then on the Sunday I did it again! Now my wife days she has had enough I'm sleeping in the spare room and she's taken her rings off . And tbh I couldn't blame her. But she's pregnant with our first child together (she has a 3 from a previous r ) and I don't want to lose them. I really have had enough of my stupid behaviour. I know I need to grow up. So I sent this

^I'm really really sorry I have hurt you. I wish with all my heart I hadn't said the things I said. I can promise you it will NEVER happen again because I have learned that without trust there is no relationship. I am quitting the drink completely. It makes me say and do things that hurt you and I hate that.
I want to be a part of yours and the kids, not to mention our little bumps life. I want to rub your feet when they are sore. Have you rest your legs on me when we watch the telly. Have family days. Go on holiday. I want it all with you, My beautiful wife.
I really have thought about what I have been doing and I am embarrassed by my behavior.
Please think about giving us another chance. I love you with all my heart. Xxxx^

What do you think?

OP posts:

Smorgasboard · 09/05/2016 12:19

Now, did she openly show you those texts, or were you snooping and the most incriminating thing you found were general emotional discussions, as you don't say they had specifically declared feelings for each other.
Sounds like the lack of trust you already had, shone out at that moment, and since then, years down the line has continued to shine. Just how many times since over the years? This has taken years, not just the 7 days you acknowledge.
You need to get that also, whenever you bring up the past, you are reminding and enforcing to her, about a time when you invaded her privacy - it's as bad as reading someone's diary, looking in someones texts.
I am sure I am not the only one who cringed when you professed that it would NEVER happen again, because, you only get to prove that once, and you have already repeated it, so you can't make a promise like that with any sincerity.
The not being able to do anything right, is likely because she is focused on what she doesn't like about you, you can't win at the moment because she will likely look from a negative slant at any good thing you happen to do, hormones combined with being in the presence of someone you are irritated by as the anger comes out. So, the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation. She will have time to miss your positive attributes when they are no longer there and she will not have the negative ones displayed in front of her.
So, that's what you are left with, lets hope there are enough positive things about you to miss, time will tell. In the meantime, avoid pestering, but be there if she needs you your help.

Smorgasboard · 09/05/2016 12:25

BTW, if you do mention the past again, I'd make sure its only in the presence of a relationship counselor, and with agreemet from your DW that it can be addressed there. Otherwise, you will have just added, liar to your negative attributes, you really have to stop digging.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/05/2016 14:32

So, have you left for your mum's?

It does appear that the way your relationship started (with adultery) was NOT the right way to start a relationship. And it probably is a case of the two of you reaping what you sowed. It may very well be that there is another 'you' (OM) waiting in the wings. I think you need to cut your losses.

Next time, remember to chose a woman who is free.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/05/2016 16:06

Trouble is we get on ok still. As long as I don't ask her if she's alright or anything about our relationship. We watch our soaps in the evening. But separate beds and no kisses etc.

That's not really a relationship. It doesn't even really qualify as a friendship. It's company, I suppose, in the loosest sense of the term.

If that's all you can do together, you're both being shortchanged. Life should be more than avoiding personal topics, watching soaps and no intimacy. Are you really happy with that?

Your mum's sounds like a good idea, at least for a period so you can both work out what you want.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/05/2016 17:37

Trouble is we get on ok still. As long as I don't ask her if she's alright or anything about our relationship. We watch our soaps in the evening. But separate beds and no kisses etc

This could just mean that you get on with her. She could be silently seething or simply putting up with you* for the sake of the children.

*I don't mean this to be that you are not acting politely. It's just that I can remember sitting with my abusive ex on the sofa and just aching with the wish that he wasn't there. But he would have said the same as you.

IrianofWay · 09/05/2016 18:02

Oh dear.

She cheated on her H with you, and then cheated on you with another man. And doesn't want to talk about it.

I really think you'd be better off without her. I know it's not what you want but it might be for the best.

Original poster

Hopeihaveachance · 10/05/2016 12:00

Intimacy was never a problem til she got pregnant. Then lost all interest. The most I got was a kiss when leaving for work or going to bed etc. I've not gone yet. Was going last night but she called and said she was making dinner for us all and I am looking after the kids tonight as she is working. I'm trying to keep out of her hair as much as possible. Leaving early for work and not going home at lunch like I used to. She was even talking this morning about 'us' doing things. I'm not going to say anything and still going to leave unless she tells me otherwise. No pestering and lots of space just see what happens.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2016 13:12

I hate to be suspicious, but are you sure she's 'working' tonight?

Original poster

Hopeihaveachance · 10/05/2016 13:18

She definitely is! Works a couple of evenings a week and a couple of morning to lunch times.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopeihaveachance · 10/05/2016 14:14

I still don't like the idea of leaving my pregnant wife (even though I know it's for the best). I couldn't live with myself if I thought I hadn't done everthing I could to save our marriage for the sake of my step children and my unborn child if nothing else.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2016 14:43

You can't save a marriage by yourself. If she isn't willing to work on the marriage (and it appears she is not) then nothing you can do will save it.

You're justifying what you want in order to have what you want. She wants you to leave, you're thinking up reasons why you should ignore what she wants.

A pregnant woman is perfectly capable of looking after herself. Think of forces wives, single mums, and those whose spouses have to work away.

Honestly, you just need to go to your mum's. Maybe absence will make the heart (hers) grow fonder. You can provide needed childcare for her without living there. Or she can sort her own childcare out. That would probably be best. If she wants to be a single mum, let her start now.

Hopeihaveachance · 10/05/2016 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Hopeihaveachance · 10/05/2016 21:51

Ok so my sister just text to ask if she had deleted her from Facebook. Turns out she's deleted ALL my friends and family!

OP posts:

Offred · 10/05/2016 21:57

Well yes...

Because you just aren't getting that you need to move out because she has decided she wants to separate...

It is becoming increasingly silly.

What do you think you will gain by hanging around? Either coerce her into retracting what she said but still meaning it or force her and the children to move out will be the likely outcome.

Original poster

Hopeihaveachance · 10/05/2016 22:29

She has asked me not to just yet. And even then she still wants me to come over to look after kids til she has finished working her notice (end of the month)

OP posts:

Offred · 10/05/2016 22:37

This whole thing is silly. Fair enough if you want to come and look after the kids but she's blocked people on Facebook and you are arguing all the time. Just go to your mums. Help with the childcare until she can sort something out or she is off but why on earth do you want to still live there?

Offred · 10/05/2016 22:39

Sounds like neither of you have your act together TBH. Please think about the children, don't contribute to unnecessary conflict and tension in their home.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2016 23:46

Then, and I'm saying this kindly, you're being a fool. If she wants to separate, then she shouldn't be jerking you around. I think it's a bit cruel to say "I don't want to be married to you any more so don't get used to doing things together. But, I want you to hang around supporting me whilst I get myself sorted out to live my new chosen life. And I want you to be available to watch the kids".

She's given in notice on her job? Is this for mat leave or is she planning on moving? If you're separating, she's going to want to be working as she'll need the income, isn't she?

Original poster

Hopeihaveachance · 11/05/2016 06:54

Not mat leave. She wants to go on benefits and thinks she can afford to live here in her own cos she will get income support.
We only just manage it with my mine and her wages and still get a little help from the council.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 11/05/2016 13:12

I'm not in the UK so I don't know about benefits. But remember that you will have to pay maintenance for your child. Could she be reducing her income so that you will have to pay spousal maintenance too? Is it income based? As in, the lower her income the more you'll have to pay?

Hope have you sat down and talked about all this with anyone in RL? I mean really talked? Remember that we're only getting your side of the story (I don't mean that in any negative way). You need to talk to someone who knows both of you.

Original poster

Hopeihaveachance · 11/05/2016 15:27

I've only really got mum and she just thinks it will blow over like last time (we were separated for about 6 weeks once but in the same house)
I don't know about the money side of things I think I should do some research on it.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 11/05/2016 16:04

I think you should. Naturally you're going to want to support your child, but you do want to be sure you are informed of what to expect. I'd suggest you see a solicitor. It doesn't mean you have to actually file anything, just that you need to know what your rights and responsibilities are. I'm sending you a brief PM, you do not need to reply to it.

You know, if my married DS1 came to me and told me your story I might be tempted to underplay the seriousness of the situation, too. And that's what your mum may be doing. It would be very hard to burst his bubble of hope. We want our children to be happy and it would be very hard to look him in the eye and say sternly "Give it up, love, it's over". Just be sure that you have been 'straight' with Mum (and what about your sister?) about what your wife has said and how serious she appears to be.

Offred · 11/05/2016 19:55

In the uk separated spouses are expected to mitigate their losses. Spousal maintenance, if she got any, would depend on what you agreed about the family responsibilities while you were together. She would not be financially rewarded for leaving you then giving up work in all likelihood. Not unless you get back together and support her as a SAHM then split again.

You may however be liable to pay child maintenance for all the children if they were treated as children of the family, she makes a claim for it from you and she isn't getting it from her ex. Not sure if that applies to court claims, CMS claims or both (or even if I have remembered it correctly TBH).

Definitely worth seeking advice.

Offred · 11/05/2016 19:59

Spousal maintenance is based on what was the agreement during the relationship essentially. Also intended to ensure a dependent partner has to make an application for public funds after a split if the income of the other spouse is high enough to support both. Division of marital assets etc is made fairly with the principle that both partners should be accommodated, as far as is possible, to have a similar living standard to their married standard of living. So kind of income based in a way.

Offred · 11/05/2016 19:59

*doesn't have to

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