Would like a female perspective

[Hopeihaveachance]

Ok. So I had a bad weekend. Is not the first time
Wife and I had a couple of arguments. Mostly my fault bringing up stuff that should be long forgotten about. Stiff that happened years ago.
Had a leaving drink with a few mates from work came home and for some reason it just came out. But then on the Sunday I did it again! Now my wife days she has had enough I'm sleeping in the spare room and she's taken her rings off . And tbh I couldn't blame her. But she's pregnant with our first child together (she has a 3 from a previous r ) and I don't want to lose them. I really have had enough of my stupid behaviour. I know I need to grow up. So I sent this

^I'm really really sorry I have hurt you. I wish with all my heart I hadn't said the things I said. I can promise you it will NEVER happen again because I have learned that without trust there is no relationship. I am quitting the drink completely. It makes me say and do things that hurt you and I hate that.
I want to be a part of yours and the kids, not to mention our little bumps life. I want to rub your feet when they are sore. Have you rest your legs on me when we watch the telly. Have family days. Go on holiday. I want it all with you, My beautiful wife.
I really have thought about what I have been doing and I am embarrassed by my behavior.
Please think about giving us another chance. I love you with all my heart. Xxxx^

What do you think?

Sooo, does that mean that if OP waits to leave until the wife has stopped working (in essence becomes a SAHM whilst he's still in residence) that he would be liable for spousal support (or a higher amount) than if he left whilst she was still in employment? If so, interesting that she's asked him to stay until she has stopped working.

Thank you. I will definitely look into it. I'm thinking of seeing a solicitor next week to see what my options (obligations) are. I know it was my insecurities that led to this break up and I think your right across that I need some help to get through this and for it to not be an issue in future relationships (if this is the end of this one)

Seeing a solicitor is a wise move. As is seeking help as you work this through. I was in counseling after my first marriage (abusive) and then a disastrous relationship about a year later. It took hard work on my part and time, but I'm so glad I did it! 30 years of marriage to now DH and two grown sons later I look back at 'young me' and wonder 'Who was that girl and why did she value herself so little?".

So she's told me she's spoken to the landlord about changing the lease. Is that legal? I dunno. What about my deposit. It was my flat before we got together do I get it back? And she still wants me to look after the children woke she works her notice.

See a solicitor. Call the landlord yourself.

It's obvious she doesn't want you there. Do you want to stay on at the flat bad enough to ask her to leave? Call the landlord today to talk about the deposit and the change of names. I wouldn't think she could do that whilst you still live there, but once you leave it may be another story.

You really need to realize that she does NOT have your interests or feelings in mind any more. She is thinking only of what she wants and needs. She is getting to the end of her tether in trying to 'hint' you into leaving and is (or will be) starting to take more and more drastic actions to get you out. You really need to take legal advice and come up with your own plan. I know you don't want to push her and the children out on the streets, but you do need to make a plan that provides for you, too. Stop letting her direct your life.

Turns out she's deleted ALL my friends and family!

I did this after leaving my verbally/emotionally abusive XP, as he was using information obtained from my FB via his relatives I was 'friends' with to keep tabs on me, interfere in my life and continue to abuse me.

I would never do that and I don't think (would like to think) she thinks I would . It just seems that everything has changed since we became pregnant. I know the arguments were my doing but it was before that. I expect that's what bought my insecurities up again. She was was being very distant lost all interest in sex or any intimacy come to that. Always down on me for everything. Very similar to when she was talking to the other guy.
I would never kick them out. I'm not like that at all. But I Do need to get a plan together. Sorry I've been a bit of a pain posting so much but it kinda helps to type it all out.

Argh...One minute she's ok is like nothing has happened the next she can't make eye contact with me. Just so frustrated at the moment. She tells me we need to get away from each other then she says we are not getting on because we are avoiding each other! I was supposed to be going for dinner with a friend last night but she made it obvious she didn't want me to go so I stayed in. We watched some recordings on the telly and got on really well. This morning she's cold again??

You need to get your things and go to your mum's today. Right now. It's Sunday so you have time. No drama, no further pleading on either side, just calmly do it. If she wants to talk, meet up on neutral ground for a coffee, after you've moved. It needs to be real for both of you.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, she is jerking you about at this stage. You need to get that legal advice and get a bit of space and perspective. For her it will either be a wake up call, or a relief. You can't go on as you are.

I am trying to move today. Mums been a bit of a hoarder since dad died and I have to shift a lot of stiff from the spare room. But it's got to be done and I've been at it since 8 this morning and I'm starting to get there! Fingers xd it works out but I'm not counting on it. I don't want to stay here long and I am seriously considering moving nearer my sister. It's cheaper and a nicer area but about 1.5hrs away. I'm just really tired now. I've had enough.

You're doing the right thing. You both need space.

I like that it appears that you're now being able to think about your own life and future. Living near your sister sound positive. But remember that you will most likely be the one to do all the traveling to and fro for the children, having been the one to make the move away from them. So be sure you factor in transport costs.

I've got a different take on all this. I actually think your wife has a big problem here. She cheated on her ex with you.. then she has an emotional affair. She's not much different from your ex... so why did you cheat with a married woman?

I see that you both didn't really deal with her emotional affair properly and it got rugswept.... hence you keep bringing it up. There are unresolved issues. She SHOULD have spoken to you not got close to another Man.

Listen ... stop letting her mess you around and dictate the terms of your relationship. If she wants you to divorce .. then don't help with her children. You're not a free babysitter. She can't pick and choose what parts of you she wants. It's all or nothing.

She can get her ex or someone else to watch the kids. Let her see what it's like to be single.

Right now she's treating you like crap. Don't allow it anymore. Once your own child is born.. take it from there...and if I was you I'd get a DNA test once the child is born to be sure it's yours.

She has form for cheating .. don't ignore that and remember that if they cheat with you ... they can cheat ON you.

You can Google how to do a DNA test and you do not tell her your doing it.

It makes me say and do things that hurt you

Oh dear. No, no no. This statement is repulsive it's not the drink. It's not things she says. It's YOU.

I only hit you because you make me angry
I'm only jealous because I love you so much, etc etc. You're blaming something else for your behaviour

Do you verbally abuse your boss if he/she pisses you off? No? Why's that then? Oh yes, because the power differential is not in your favour. So why verbally abuse your wife?

Your note is self pitying bilge. If you want to stay with your wife you need a real apology, along the lines of 'I accept complete responsibility for my actions. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I will change.'

Then do actually change

I agree completely.
I've moved into mums. She's in the process of changing over the tenancy. Credit checks etc (exept she has a debt relief order so not sure how that will pan out)
I've spoken to the landlord and she's been really good about the whole thing. Thank you all for your advice. I will still be there for them if they need me but got to start looking after myself now.

Good job on moving out and don't be available to dance to her tune. She wants to be single.. so let her feel the reality of it.

You will get used time and again by her with saying you'll be there for them as she will take advantage of that.

I wonder how much value she really places on you from her actions.

Enforce NC (no contact), unless it relates to the pregnancy. Ask her when scans and other appointments are.

I will try. I suppose I'm so hoping that it will come good eventually. But I know that I need to back of now.

Good luck op

I will still be there for them if they need me but got to start looking after myself now.

Yes, you do need to look after yourself. Be there for the children but please don't put yourself at her beck and call. It's very easy to do if one holds out even a sliver of hope for reconciliation. And many stbx's use that hope.

Once you've caught your breath, please see a solicitor. There will be many issues to be decided and you'll need good counsel to make the right decisions for all concerned. I know the three DC are your 'steps' but it sounds as if you have a very close relationship with them, one that you'd like to continue. You'll need legal advice about that, and soon. If your stbxw is involved with OM, I'm afraid she'll be rather eager to cut you out of their lives for the sake of her new relationship.

Thanks acrossthepond that is good advice, and i will as soon a possible, I have been on some legal forums talking about my options.
Sandy NC is the way forward i feel, but its hard when all i want to do is be with them.
I miss those kids so much, her mum is looking after them now when she works which i think is a good thing. but i was kind of looking forward to seeing them.
I am not giving up but i am going to give her space and time, after all thats all i've got.
I am trying to be as upbeat as possible, fake it till you make it i suppose!

Has anyone any advice on going no contact? Is only been a day since we last communicated and all I want to do is text or call her. I keep writing stuff and deleting it. It's so difficult when all you want is to be a family again.

Distraction. Keep busy. Talk to yourself. Is there any DIY your mum needs? Is there anyone you can call when you're tempted to contact her?

The only time I'd advise writing something down would be if you did it on paper. It's too tempting to hit 'send' or hit it 'accidentally' if you're on a phone or computer. On paper, you can pour your heart out and then shove it in a drawer or (better still) burn it.

One of the things that used to work for me (although this was diet related) was to set a timer. I'd set a time for a certain period of time and tell myself that if I still wanted that cake after 30 minutes, I'd eat it. In the meantime I practices internal dialogue and distraction. Usually by the time the timer went off I had talked myself out of the cake.

Also, remember that if you start sending texts and emails after she's asked you for space, all you're going to do is alienate her further. You don't want that because you want to be able to maintain a relationship with your step kids.

Why have you got to go NC

She's expecting your child and her other children will be missing you too.

You can manage your relationship with her and them with a bit of empathy and thought surely?

No need to babysit at her beck and call, but if the kids want to see you then why not? How long have you been their step dad? You'll want to be in contact about the baby and how the pregnancy is going. How is going non-contact going to help anyone?

i guess i am hoping it will give us both a chance to have some space, i dont mean it as in i wont see the kids etc but more to stop me from calling her just to hear her voice, i dont want to pester her, that wont help at all.
I suppose its more limited contact? More on my part, no discussions about the relationship (or lack thereof!) and no chasing or pleading or general neediness!

no discussions about the relationship (or lack thereof!) and no chasing or pleading or general neediness!

Yes, that's exactly what it is. Texting "May I take the children to the park this Saturday?" is fine. But obvs nothing personal regarding her or the two of you.

She doesnt want me at the 20 week scan
I would really have liked to go, i want to be involved but i have to respect her decision. I feel so lost at the moment.
She has even gone back to her maiden name on the dreaded facebook.