Would like a female perspective

[Hopeihaveachance]

Ok. So I had a bad weekend. Is not the first time
Wife and I had a couple of arguments. Mostly my fault bringing up stuff that should be long forgotten about. Stiff that happened years ago.
Had a leaving drink with a few mates from work came home and for some reason it just came out. But then on the Sunday I did it again! Now my wife days she has had enough I'm sleeping in the spare room and she's taken her rings off . And tbh I couldn't blame her. But she's pregnant with our first child together (she has a 3 from a previous r ) and I don't want to lose them. I really have had enough of my stupid behaviour. I know I need to grow up. So I sent this

^I'm really really sorry I have hurt you. I wish with all my heart I hadn't said the things I said. I can promise you it will NEVER happen again because I have learned that without trust there is no relationship. I am quitting the drink completely. It makes me say and do things that hurt you and I hate that.
I want to be a part of yours and the kids, not to mention our little bumps life. I want to rub your feet when they are sore. Have you rest your legs on me when we watch the telly. Have family days. Go on holiday. I want it all with you, My beautiful wife.
I really have thought about what I have been doing and I am embarrassed by my behavior.
Please think about giving us another chance. I love you with all my heart. Xxxx^

What do you think?

It wasn't my plan to bring it up. I wanted to apologise. Everything I say at the moment is wrong. We are out with the kids and she just had a go about me asking where she wanted to cross the road.

Why shouldn't he bring it up?
A) he was trying to apologise
B) if his wife had an EA which was discovered, never really discussed and certainly never resolved, what does she expect. That would make anyone feel insecure. If she wanted to remain in the relationship when the EA came to light she should have been willing to work on the relationship and reassure OP. Shut up and put up is not the answer. If she didn't, she should have told him that and left the relationship.

Mate, actions speak louder. In her shoes I wouldn't give a flying fuck what you said, I would be DONE with the drama of constant accusations and splitting up and reconciliation. I think you get a thrill of excitement and new relationship energy every time you fight and make up, so you keep doing it. But it's fucking awful for kids, and it's fucking awful when you are pregnant and vulnerable and just want reliability and calm for your baby. If you want to fix things, fix them. Stop promising to, she doesn't care what you said. Book yourself some relationship counselling on your own. Quit drinking if you think you have a problem - join a 12 step program or make a doctors appointment now. Just actually do the stuff. THEN go to her and tell her what you've done to fix stuff and ask for another chance simply, without all the flowery language and high drama.

Can you move out for a while?
This does not sound like a healthy relationship.
See if it does work better apart.
Does she work full time?
Is she financially independent?

She works part time. Some of the days I'm off so I look after the kids. dhe's just said we won't be living together much longer? And not to get use to doing things together. I said one realised where I was wrong but she just said bully for you you think you have changed in 7 days so I replied that I thought it was a little fast to throw away or relationship in 7 days.

Yeah she is angry. Why wouldn't she be!

but she just said bully for you you think you have changed in 7 days so I replied that I thought it was a little fast to throw away or relationship in 7 days.

If you have been brining this up from time to time and had breaks before then why do you think it's a little fast. Sounds dragged out to me.

I can't help but feel if a woman posted that her DH had previously had an EA that he nearly left her for, that hadn't been discussed much so was brought up by her when feeling insecure, and the response to bringing it up was repeated threats of separating rather than reassurance or discussion, then there would be very different replies.

Sorry last didn't make much sense she told me not to get used to doing things together. Then she asked if I wanted to go swimming with them it was nice she seemed happy when we got home everything I said and did was wrong again
I don't want to leave my pregnant wife. She hasn't ever been on her own with the kids. She was still with her xh when we met. But of she leaves or actually asks me to go I don't think there is much I can do.

Omg you are not coming across well

You just said. **
I don't want to leave my pregnant wife. She hasn't ever been on her own with the kids. She was still with her xh when we met

You make her sound like a blithering wreck. Incapable of being by herself. Pregnancy does not mean she can't do things.

Think u might need to change your attitude.

This all sounds a bit teenage to me; you're having a baby- start having face to face mature conversations about your feelings rather than sending gushy texts.

I don't mean it like that. She's more than capable of looking after herself. And certainaly not a blithering wreck. She's a very strong woman. But unless she actually asks me to leave in not going to walk out on her. I only said about that because another poster said about her being a single mum before and she hasn't.
There are no conversations at the moment whatever I say is either stupid or wrong I haven't been able to ask how she's feeling for weeks because I'm being too suffocating.

Why are you intending to wait until she gets so pissed off that she demands you leave?

Surely if you want to have an amicable parenting relationship now that she has told you she wants it to be over you would be much better to move out and not spend time hanging around trying to pressure her to reconsider?!

Again, what is your plan to show her that you want to change? That you are respecting her need for space (if only in the emotional sense)? It sounds to me as if you are hovering and saying words that, to her, appear to be empty of meaning.

You don't need to 'ask her how she's feeling', it's pretty apparent that she is either done or almost done. Why don't you try asking her calmly and directly what she wants you to do? Or be really, really brave and ask her flat out "Do you feel it would help if I left for a while to give you some space?". And then if she says 'yes', leave.

I don't know how I can show her my plans to change. I've respected all her decisions so far. And said that I am willing to do whatever it takes. She starts saying things about getting used to not doing things together then arranged for us to go out as a family! I don't get it. It doesn't make sense.

OP hate to break it to you but looks like a split is inevitable

Work on a backup plan by setting some money aside
Network with your friends if you need to leave the house. See if you can live with them or ask your parents
Think about the child
Hit the gym if you aren't already. Eat healthy, get them cals and protein down you and eat well. Drink lots of water. You WILL feel better I can promise you
Do NOT be a pushover. Stand your ground

Yes my advice sounds reddity, but do it

Look while you are still there it would be upsetting for the children of you were excluded from days out. She is telling you not to get ideas. And you are not at all respecting her decision because she has told you it is over, keeps reiterating that point and you are still thinking 'I will do whatever it takes' which for one thing is not healthy anyway. You need to prioritise the children not you getting her back when she has said she wants to split. What do you think you have to gain from hanging around annoying her and being subjected to rants about your personal qualities? You hoping to just avoid moving out and end up in a relationship by default because you won't have achieved anything then, she still won't want to be with you and you will be unhappy and have more arguments.

I think I'm going to move to my mums for a bit. I don't want to leave but as most of you have said is probably for the best. I still want to be a family but nothing going to change some I'm still here. It's very close so I can still see them.

Maybe you should sit down just the two of you and suggest moving to your mums temporarily to give her a bit of space. Maybe don't just say I'm moving to mums.

Good luck

How do you show her?

1- Tell her quietly and calmly that if she wants you to leave, you will go. "XXX, it's pretty apparent that you are unhappy and I'm sorry if I'm partly responsible for that. If you want me to leave, I will go. No scene, no discussions of the past, no tearful goodbyes. All you have to do is say the word".

2- If she says 'yes, leave', then go, right then. Don't say "OK, I'll be gone as soon as I make plans". As misssmith says above, have a plan. So don't initiate this conversation until you have a place to go, even if it's to a hotel.

2- If she says she 'doesn't know' or 'isn't sure', tell her that saying that gives you hope where perhaps there is none. That she needs to let you know if there is hope because you would like to save the marriage.

3- If she says there is hope, tell her that you will be going to an AA meeting on XXX date (like tonight or tomorrow) and that you will call your GP for counseling referrals tomorrow morning.

4- If she says there is no hope or refuses to give you a straight answer, what she has been saying may be because SHE has already made plans to leave but wherever it is she is going isn't ready or available right now or she's setting money aside. You can ask her if she is planning on leaving herself (assumably with the children) because you need to be able to make your own plans, but she doesn't have to tell you.

Sounds like you do have a place to go, then. Just adapt what I've said to "If you want me to leave, I can go to my Mum's".

She would like me to leave. I told her that is okay and I'll stay with mum for a while. I'm 35 and she is 40 by the way. Haven't mentioned that yet. It's definitely for the best but it hurts that I'm not going to see my step kids as much. I love them all with all my heart. She said she doesn't know if there is a future for us but the space will help. Like I've said everything I does seems to annoy her even last night kissing the kids goodnight was interfering some how.

Hard but possibly the right descision.

Hopefully it will repair the relationship.

Good luck

So, she cheated on her husband when you.

The she had an emotional affair with someone else.

Then there's you, who keeps bringing up stuff, blaming drink but actually bringing it up again when you're sober.

You sound like an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

You go your way, let her go hers.

She's unfaithful, you had an affair with a married woman. It was never going to be a walk in the park, was it?

These poor children have been in the middle of some pretty fucked up shit.

Poor things.

So after all your issues with your ex wife cheating on you, it didn't stop you helping your wife cheat on her ex?

And then she had an emotional affair, and you can't stop bring it up.

I think you BOTH need time alone to understand what relationships are about, to be fair. You both sound like teenagers!