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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would like a female perspective

158 replies

Hopeihaveachance · 04/05/2016 18:36

Ok. So I had a bad weekend. Is not the first time Sad
Wife and I had a couple of arguments. Mostly my fault bringing up stuff that should be long forgotten about. Stiff that happened years ago.
Had a leaving drink with a few mates from work came home and for some reason it just came out. But then on the Sunday I did it again! Now my wife days she has had enough I'm sleeping in the spare room and she's taken her rings off . And tbh I couldn't blame her. But she's pregnant with our first child together (she has a 3 from a previous r ) and I don't want to lose them. I really have had enough of my stupid behaviour. I know I need to grow up. So I sent this

^I'm really really sorry I have hurt you. I wish with all my heart I hadn't said the things I said. I can promise you it will NEVER happen again because I have learned that without trust there is no relationship. I am quitting the drink completely. It makes me say and do things that hurt you and I hate that.
I want to be a part of yours and the kids, not to mention our little bumps life. I want to rub your feet when they are sore. Have you rest your legs on me when we watch the telly. Have family days. Go on holiday. I want it all with you, My beautiful wife.
I really have thought about what I have been doing and I am embarrassed by my behavior.
Please think about giving us another chance. I love you with all my heart. Xxxx^

What do you think?

OP posts:
Moistly · 04/05/2016 21:27

Your insecurities are your problem, not hers
If she has betrayed your trust in the past, discuss it with either a means to move on or move out
If a past partner has cheated on you, think about counselling to get over your issues before you ruin this relationship completely
Your text message is just words - anyone an write all of that - Actions speak louder than Words

Original poster
Hopeihaveachance · 07/05/2016 14:00

Ok. I was worried she might be on this site but don't think she is now
She was texting a bloke from her work 'emotional stuff' and she got a quite close to him, enough to make her question of she wanted to be with me or not. But this was ages ago and I thought was all forgiven and forgotten but obviously it wasn't Sad
She has said she had had enough. We're not going to work and that's it.
I have tried to talk to her but it just end in an argument. I don't want to upset her, I really don't. She's changed her Facebook status to single too.
I would do anything to have my family back again. The thought of losing my step kids and my own one to be is heartbreaking.
Tbh or relationship has always been a bit rocky. She's either told me to leave or that she is leaving maybe half a dozen times over the years but we've always managed to sort it. But this feels different.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/05/2016 14:10

Everyone has their limits. It sounds like she's reached hers. Maybe she's right, if you're always splitting up and you can't leave things in the past, you might be better off apart. It's more stable for all the children involved.

Your text has issues (as previously mentioned by other posters, like blaming alcohol for your behaviour) but it's only really suitable if you've upset your partner. It's not nearly enough if she's left. If you're through, it's too late for apologies and promises that you'll rub her feet and won't get jealous again.

It's okay for her being emotionally close to another man to be a dealbreaker for you, but it's not okay to forgive her but bring it up whenever you are argumentative or drunk.

It's going to be difficult to convince her that you actually intend to change and you're not just making empty promises because she's left.

Original poster
Hopeihaveachance · 07/05/2016 14:58

I understand what your saying. If it's done is done. I suppose I was hoping that because of her heightened feelings with being pregnant we may be able to over come it. I think all I can do is give her space and work on my promises to her and hope.

OP posts:
Offred · 07/05/2016 15:03

You keep splitting up and erring back together it is not in the interests of the children to continue.

Work on yourself yes but for you not so you can get her back.

Original poster
Hopeihaveachance · 07/05/2016 15:28

I know your right. We probably should call it a day. But I love them all so bloody much. I can't believe this is happening.

OP posts:
Offred · 07/05/2016 15:40

I'm sure you do but it isn't about you. This is about what is best for the children being in an on again off again relationship with an insecure stepdad is not best. That doesn't mean you have to be cut off from them. You should see your child and be a dad just the romantic relationship with the mother needs to end.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/05/2016 15:46

People tend to believe what you do, not what you say. If you say 'love' but then do 'conflict', eventually people stop listening to the words. If your wife hs reached that point you will just need to accept it.

Original poster
Hopeihaveachance · 07/05/2016 16:44

Trouble is we get on ok still. As long as I don't ask her if she's alright or anything about our relationship. We watch our soaps in the evening. But separate beds and no kisses etc. It only been a week. I don't want to give up yet.

OP posts:
murphyslaws · 07/05/2016 17:12

To be honest I would not want to be in a relationship where the other party says one thing has a drink and does the opposite. Even if they gave up drinking I would still know that the other party always had doubts of trust.

I'm sorry but it might be over maybe give her a bit of distance to think about things.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 07/05/2016 17:17

You sound like my ex.

19 years of what I now realise to be emotional abuse (with a smidgen of physical abuse thrown in for good measure). 19 years of 'are you cheating on me?' If I ever spoke to another man. He eventually had an 18 month emotional affair with a woman he met while working away then bailed on me and his three children.

He was a drinker, a twat when drunk and 'going to change'. Never did change. Three years on he still sees his kids but doesn't pay full maintenance and we're all happier without him.

I suspect your wife will be happier without you too.

BertPuttocks · 07/05/2016 17:22

By your own admission, you've been acting badly for a while and have been asked to leave several times.

Your pregnant wife is now sleeping in the spare room to get away from you, and presumably the children are picking up on the tension. The stress can't be good for your wife or the baby either.

Put aside what you want for the moment and think about what would be best for the rest of the family.

kaitlinktm · 07/05/2016 17:38

See this drinking thing is a problem to me. I stayed a further 8 years with my ex after his affair because he promised it wouldn't happen again. Every time he had a drink or two, he would tell me that he only stayed with me for financial reasons, only to retract this when sober. Eight years later he left anyway, emigrated and remarried. He never intended us to grow old together - I have to do that on my own now.

I suppose what I am saying is I now believe what people say when they're drunk - that's when they lose all their inhibitions. Believing his lies cost me a further 8 years on top of the twenty I had already wasted (apart from having my children).

springydaffs · 07/05/2016 18:09

I was worried she might be on this site

Or you specifically posted it to get her attention.

Pretty low to invade her space.

All in, you're not coming across as a good bet.

Offred · 07/05/2016 18:21

I think you should look at moving out TBH unless you want the children to lose their home?

This is not healthy. Her wanting to split and you hoping if you hang around she will change her mind.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2016 19:09

Writing pretty words is all well and good. But what I don't see is your plan.

Where is your plan to go to AA this week and to seek other treatment for stopping drinking? Where is your plan to seek counseling and/or treatment for your trust issues and your temper that results in ugly words? Words without actions are meaningless. Perhaps if you showed by your actions that you are sincere in working on things, she will be willing to do so, too. Of course, she may request that you work on your issues whilst living elsewhere and you should be willing to do so if that's what it takes.

Of course, it could all be too little, too late.

RubbishMantra · 07/05/2016 20:10

Always in the process of splitting up and getting back together is not a good place to be. How much time do you spend just being in your relationship? Do you enjoy drama? Sometimes drama can be mistaken for "passion".

williewill · 07/05/2016 21:57

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LilacSpunkMonkey · 07/05/2016 22:01
Hmm
williewill · 07/05/2016 22:02

This reply has been deleted

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springydaffs · 07/05/2016 22:04

Willie, you need to start your own thread.

Go into Relationships, click 'start a thread' at the top of the list of posts.

[But first clarify what you mean by 'back in trust' means]

Original poster
Hopeihaveachance · 08/05/2016 07:43

Not sure what you think of me but I don't drink often. And it's not every time I drink I drag up the past. BUT I have done it before. We don't constantly break up and get back together but we are both stubborn if it's a serious argument her or someone's me will say that's is over etc.
I am in she spare room not her.
I have noticed that in the mornings she can hardly speak to me but in the evenings she is a lot nicer.

OP posts:
murphyslaws · 08/05/2016 08:53

You say two things and contradict yourself

Had a leaving drink with a few mates from work came home and for some reason it just came out. But then on the Sunday I did it again!

Then you say
She was texting a bloke from her work 'emotional stuff' and she got a quite close to him, enough to make her question of she wanted to be with me or not. But this was ages ago and I thought was all forgiven and forgotten but obviously it wasn't 

Forgotten by who?? You or her. How can she forget if YOU by your own admission keep bringing it up.

I'm confused... She must be just as confused.... She is not your ex she has had enough, can you really blame her??

I really don't mean to be harsh but read your statements. Of course your are being judged and not coming off too well.

You are asking for advice but not liking the replies.. I am sorry but put yourself in her position

Original poster
Hopeihaveachance · 08/05/2016 09:14

Sorry... I wasn't drinking on the Sunday. I started trying to apologise for what I said on the Saturday but it ended with me bringing the whole thing up again Sad
Forgotten by me I suppose. We never really sorted it. At the time I was so scared of losing her I just pretended it hasn't happened a little while after I tried talking about it but she got REALLY mad saying things like she had nothing to be sorry for and that it was my fault as she thought I didn't lover her.
I think my insecurity is worse at the moment because everything I do for the last few weeks had been wrong. I eat too fast, Clean bathroom too often, I snore at night, not spontaneous. She couldn't stand me touching her especially in public. She said that it was like I was trying to show everyone she was mine!
She's never been like this before apart from my snoring which has been a problem before.

OP posts:
murphyslaws · 08/05/2016 09:25

So you was not drinking on Sunday however you still continued to bring it up but this time sober.

Can you see why she is not happy.