Would like a female perspective

[Hopeihaveachance]

Ok. So I had a bad weekend. Is not the first time
Wife and I had a couple of arguments. Mostly my fault bringing up stuff that should be long forgotten about. Stiff that happened years ago.
Had a leaving drink with a few mates from work came home and for some reason it just came out. But then on the Sunday I did it again! Now my wife days she has had enough I'm sleeping in the spare room and she's taken her rings off . And tbh I couldn't blame her. But she's pregnant with our first child together (she has a 3 from a previous r ) and I don't want to lose them. I really have had enough of my stupid behaviour. I know I need to grow up. So I sent this

^I'm really really sorry I have hurt you. I wish with all my heart I hadn't said the things I said. I can promise you it will NEVER happen again because I have learned that without trust there is no relationship. I am quitting the drink completely. It makes me say and do things that hurt you and I hate that.
I want to be a part of yours and the kids, not to mention our little bumps life. I want to rub your feet when they are sore. Have you rest your legs on me when we watch the telly. Have family days. Go on holiday. I want it all with you, My beautiful wife.
I really have thought about what I have been doing and I am embarrassed by my behavior.
Please think about giving us another chance. I love you with all my heart. Xxxx^

What do you think?

I've a feeling she has no idea who the father is!
I'm sorry she's still being so cruel even after you've left to give her space.
I think there must be someone in the background here.
I'd cut all contact and try to get yourself some head-space.

You are doing everything right here. Just keep going.

yeah, unfortunately i think you may be right about someone else
I wanted to see the kids for a little bit this weekend and shes not letting me do that either.

She's still abusing you.
Don't let her.
Don't contact her at all.
Let her get on with it all.
One last text saying you'd still like to see the kids so could she contact you when it's convenient.
Then leave it.
She won't contact you but you know you've done all you can to see them.

Ok, I think she's made herself very clear. As far as she's concerned you have no place in her life. At this point you're going to have to accept this. Once the baby is born and paternity has been confirmed you'll be able to petition the courts for access. Until then, don't push her. It'll only push her further away and make her more stubborn.

Male perspective here.

Things that I made more out of than it was

If there was nothing to forgive then you need to grow up and stop laying past insecurities at her door.

However, even if it was small, if she genuinely did something which you had to forgive her for then you need to work out whether whether you have or can forgive her for it and having been cheated on in the past you may find it harder to maintain the trust. Otherwise it with fester and come out like this any time you have a bad day.

This woman is being emotionally abusive. If it was a man behaving this way he would be lynched. If this is the end for you both, I hope for your sake she will not be yet another contact refuser when the baby is born. To be frank though, I'm pregnant, and it can make you act like a loon. I cried for an hour today because my partner said my bum was like a pillow, for example. I told my nine year old to F off because he wasn't talking to me enough and I took offence (I know, shocking, I apologised profusely afterwards, felt terrible). Is there any hope for riding this out and seeing if there is light at the end of the pregnancy tunnel? Were things really fine before she became pregnant?

Zoobeedoo, I'm not going anywhere, i hope that she changes her mind and that maybe when she had had the baby things might change. If I'm really honest things weren't amazing before the pregnancy, both of us have our faults but I love them with all my heart and it is tearing me apart that I can't see them they live literally round the corner I walk past the place pretty much every day. I've given her everything she wanted, the flat. The car. Even paid another months rent so she can sort her benefits out and now she won't let me near them. I know I shouldn't have bought the past up but I don't think I deserve this.

How will you feel if you find out the child isn't yours?

I don't know. I can't even think about that!

I'm trying to focus on myself at the moment. Getting my room sorted. Haven't even got a matress yet! Sleeping on a duvan base! Trying to eat etc but it's so hard. Don't think I've ever felt this bad before even when dad died.

Yes, focus on yourself. The future isn't here yet, worry about that later. Right now you need to fix up your room and get into some sort of healthy routine so you don't sit and mope. Are there activities you like that you can do?

And this may sound silly, but I think I'd try to find another route. Walking by the house each day probably doesn't help much. Can you walk down a different street, maybe an extra block further before you turn the corner?

All I can say is good luck. You've done well so far, giving her space and being grown up and civilised about it. That's very difficult so well done.

I wonder if she has any intention of putting your name on the birth cert. She sounds terribly childish to be honest.

You need to stop and think exactly what it is about her you say you love.

I suspect there's an awful lot about her and the things she's done that you have no idea about.

She's unlikely to allow you at the birth, but it would be good to find out how you'll know about the birth.

Hope get the kindle book "No contact rule" by Natalie rue. This book explains in great detail on how to go NO contact. As you have children with your ex, this is not possible. But there's a section in the book on how to do limited contact, whilst still giving you tips on how to move on etc.

Thank you sunshinegirl I will download it today, the children are not mine but I do miss them like crazy.
Sandy I honestly don't know what her intentions are. I never thought she wouldn't want me at the scan but she doesn't. It will be a c section as her last two were but I think you are right that she's not going to want me there. But it's her choice she knows I want to be there but I think she just hates me at the moment

Sounds like there are other issues at play here, possibly going back long before you knew her. Chances are you're just caught up in this, not the first, and possibly not the last either. Not a lot you can do other than continue to play it straight and keep your self respect.

Eating is really hard.
Have liquid things.
Ice lollies worked for me.
Sugary tea.
Soups.
Smoothies.
Just keep hydrated and your sugar levels up.

Thanks hellsbells that's a good idea. I just have no appetite at all at the moment.
Alvinp I was curious what you meant by other issues. I know she had a few bad relationships when she was younger (she was in with a bad crowd) I don't know exactly what but some of her exes were pretty mean to her. But like you said nothing I can do now but keep my distance and see what happens

Just bumped into them in town. She was going for a walk with the kids. I didn't really know what to do! They were all over me and we chatted for a couple of minutes then I said I had to go. I miss them so much

You did the right thing. Light chat and then excused yourself. Hopefully there were no emotional exchanges on your part and no demands on hers.

She told you that the Ex partners were mean but you don't know if that's true. It's more likely she was the abusive one the way she's behaving now.

I mean she cheated on her XDP with you and went on to have an EA while with you. She could well find it difficult to be faithful to one man.

Remain NC and get in touch nearer the birth.

It was very civil. gave the kids a hug and they told me they loved me
No demands or emational exchanges thankfully (was pretty hard though not to want to ask her things)
I am going round today on my lunch to pick some things up as she wont be there but we need to sort bills etc out, so i think we need to have a chat about that at some point.

If you can let the chat go for a bit, that would probably be good. If it could be handled via email, that might be better.

But if bills are pressing, then send her a simple text and ask her to meet you. It may be easier to keep things 'professional' if you're in a public place.
Something along the lines of "XXX bill(s) will be coming due soon and I think we need to decide how they are going to be handled. Would you be willing to meet with me at XXXX place at XXX time to sort this out?"

Just a quick update.
Feeling much better. NC was a good idea. It has given me time to realise that the relationship was wrong in many ways and it wasn't all my fault. I have bumped into her and the kids a couple of times but I've always been very polite given the kids a cuddle and just asked if she is okay.
I have reconnected with a couple of friends too which is nice. I still have moments when I'm a mess! But they are getting fewer by the day
I want sure about posting on mumsnet but I am very glad I did

Distance does give perspective. Reconnecting with friends will also help you see your marriage from the outside. And friends will support you.