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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone have a H who creates scenes in public?

168 replies

donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 14:21

My H has a tendency to do this - flouncing out of restaurants and leaving me sitting there on my own being stared at, getting upset and raising his voice in the middle of the street as we're walking along. Countless examples, sometimes several times a week, sometimes it doesn't happen for months.

Why do people do this? Is it that he just doesn't have a sense of self consciousness? Or is it because he knows I will try to calm things down?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/02/2016 14:25

What would happen if you didn't try to calm things down?

Grumpyoldblonde · 09/02/2016 14:26

Does he flounce out of meetings with his boss?
he does this several times a week? have you ever properly spoken to him about this childish behaviour? Sounds awful, what happens after the restaurant flouncing?

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2016 14:26

More to the point, why do you put up with it? You can't control what he does, but can control your response to him

Keeptrudging · 09/02/2016 14:28

No, I would consider that abusive (and he wouldn't be my 'D'H). I would put money on it that he doesn't do this to friends or colleagues, so it's chosen behaviour.

notarehearsal · 09/02/2016 14:28

Not an expert but have had some experience around this type of behaviour. The long and short of it was I wouldn't be in a public place with them again. The person has Borderline personality disorder.

DickDewy · 09/02/2016 14:29

I would only have to be abandoned in a restaurant once for it to be the last time.

Why do you put up with it?

SpoiltMardyCow · 09/02/2016 14:30

Sounds like he has an impulse control problem. My friend is divorcing her husband over his atrocious behaviour. Examples: screaming at her in public, throwing chips at her across the restaurant dinner table when he found her story boring, telling her he is going to "shove this fucking steak down her neck" at a BBQ with friends when she asked him to cook her steak longer.....
If he's not embarrassed to yell and screech at you in public, what's he like in private?

Sparkletastic · 09/02/2016 14:30

He sounds like he's trying to humiliate you. I don't put up with tantrumming adults. Do you try to placate him? Maybe that's why he does it - to embarrass and control you.

Original poster
donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 14:31

I am always very calm, speak in a normal tone to his high pitched/offended/louder tone. If he walks out I carry on sitting and order another drink. I think I carry it off okay, but inside it's like a repeated blow. I shouldn't have to "carry off" the appearance of being fine with it.

He calms down quickly and often apologises soon after, but it never stops him doing it. He will not talk about it outside of these times.

What would "not putting up with it" look like? Being angrier than him and having a full on war in public? Or flouncing off on him before he flounced on me? I don't feel either of those things are workable solutions.

Totally open to other options.

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 09/02/2016 14:31

No, of course I haven't. I'm a functioning adult and would only be with another functioning adult. Not an overgrown immature spoiled brat. Why would anybody want to be with that? Get rid and find a non loser.

Annarose2014 · 09/02/2016 14:32

Its about control as he knows you're not going to get into a blistering row with him with spectators. So he gets to be the one rowing, knowing that you'll have to bite your tongue.

it works for him, thats why he continues to do it, and will do it even when you're both in your 70s. Lovely.

Tbh, if someone started shouting at me in the street, I'd instantly turn on my heel and walk the other way. Even if the car was right in front of me. I wouldnt care, I'd get home somehow.

If someone started getting up in a restauraunt and flouncing around with their coat, I'd interrupt them and say "You know what? This time I leave". And get the fuck out of there. And he can be the fool who has to settle the bill alone for once.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2016 14:32

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

How long have you been together?.

You cannot change him but you can certainly change how you react to him.

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2016 14:33

Not putting up with it means just that - do that to me one more time and it will be the last time you get the chance, because I will not be here a moment longer

MardyGrave · 09/02/2016 14:34

What kind of situation creates this response in him? You informing him you're shagging his brother? Or just the beer mat not being his favourite colour?

I can't really understand this.

GummyBunting · 09/02/2016 14:35

Of course my OH doesn't do this.

The first time it happened I'd assume he was having some sort of mental breakdown. The second time, he would no longer be my OH.

Why would you accept this behaviour from an adult?

Original poster
donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 14:35

We have a good relationship 80% of every day. Then he will lose it over a small thing, explode, calm down, then apologise. The days always have peaks of drama and he gets over his upset quickly. I cannot get over things as quickly.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 09/02/2016 14:35

How do you respond to his apology? Mine would be "sorry isn't good enough, you made yourself look like a bad tempered toddler, never, ever dare do that again" do you accept his apology and hope for the best?

Jackie0 · 09/02/2016 14:36

He's trying to embarrass you .
He sounds like a dick.

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2016 14:37

He sounds like a nightmare - has he always been like this? I couldn't have got to the point of him being my husband

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 09/02/2016 14:37

My ex did this.

We are no longer together. I was sick of being on edge in public, not knowing if he was going to kick off or have a strop. The onus was on apparently on me to calm him down and not on him to stop behaving in a childish fashion. Exhausting.

As a PP mentioned, does he do this in front of his boss? Or is it just you?

Iflyaway · 09/02/2016 14:38

He sounds awful. Why do you put up with it?

Life's too short, find a man who adores and respects you. Why live a life full of humiliation by a Significant Other...?

Sparkletastic · 09/02/2016 14:38

If I had the misfortune to be with someone who did this I would handle them in the same way I handled my toddlers.
Death stare.
'Do not speak to me like that.'
Time out or consequence of some sort (this would be you leaving the situation).
Very firm talking to when they'd calmed down. Don't care if they don't want to talk about it - I will and they must listen.

Annarose2014 · 09/02/2016 14:39

"80% good" ain't that great, tbh.

Original poster
donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 14:39

He does it with his friends, his family and his boss too. He is a known "walker-outer." And being his wife, I spend the most time with him and get the most shitty behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 14:40

Just to add - other people forgive him. Because he apologises. But it does not happen as often to them as it does to me.

OP posts: