Anyone have a H who creates scenes in public?

[donewithusernames]

My H has a tendency to do this - flouncing out of restaurants and leaving me sitting there on my own being stared at, getting upset and raising his voice in the middle of the street as we're walking along. Countless examples, sometimes several times a week, sometimes it doesn't happen for months.

Why do people do this? Is it that he just doesn't have a sense of self consciousness? Or is it because he knows I will try to calm things down?

You are right, he IS using it as an excuse to control other people. If he knows he has a problem , why does he refuse to get help ? Because he LIKES being " allowed " to act like that . It's NOT a problem to him at all , his life is just fine and every time he throws a tantrum , he gets his own way .

It's his way of getting everyone else to STFU, to avoid dealing with issues he doesn't want to .

Tell me something , do any of these " triggers " happen when he is having a good time doing what he wants? So if he's at a football match with his mates and his team is winning and someone walks past and says something that triggers him, does he run out of the stadium and walk home ?

Or does it only happen when people are saying things to him that he does t like, or in places that he doesn't want to be ?

When he storms out, does he remember to take his jacket and the car keys or enough money to get home ? Or is he so upset that he walks home for 6 miles in the pouring rain ?

I'm amazed that he is able to behave like this at work . I can only assume that he is the boss or essential to his company in some way . Or he works in a non client facing role and only does it in front of others who tolerate it . Or because he is in some profession where " artistic temperaments " are tolerated .

I certainly wouldn't be sitting waiting for him to come back in cafes and restaurants. How humiliating.

I can't understand how he gets away with it at work. Must drive everyone mad to work with someone so mercurial.

He can't refuse to discuss it! That's even worse tbh. I think I would ask him to see a GP or get help, failing that, well, he's giving you a choice isn't he? Put up or leave. Bit stark, but otherwise you've a life time of it. Was he like this before you married?

He does sound emotionally unstable and possibly bpd. But if he refuses to talk about it, admit he has issues and get help, there's nothing you can do apart from walk away.

Maybe look up bpd behaviours and/or read the book "stop walking on eggshells" and see if it sounds familiar?

A complex childhood is a reason but not an excuse. Unless he can see he has a problem and agrees to get help, I honestly couldn't put up with this sort of behaviour. I have a male friend. He would like us to be in a proper relationship, but he has way too many issues from his childhood that sadly make him not relationship material (well for me anyhow). I love him dearly but no way could I take things any further than friendship. And if he pulled a stunt like your H does, I'd give him one chance to not repeat it and after that, we'd not be going out anywhere together.

Is his boss also a family member, or close friend?
I'm intrigued as to what job he has where they tolerate frequent flouncing.

I'm sorry to say this, but I've been around this kind of behaviour myself, and if you stay with him you'll spend your life walking on egg shells and biting your tongue.

He's controlling and you'll develop "learned behaviour" because of his outbursts - you'll never be able to fully relax as you'll be trying to avoid antagonising in him in even the slightest way and you'll always be trying to second-guess his mood. Each "outburst" will chip away at your love for him little by little but he'll never accept that he's at fault and will make you believe that you did or said something wrong.

He's totally unreasonable and with time the man will crush your spirit. Please don't stay.

I don't think that his childhood can be used as excuse.
It can be a reason why he is finding things hard, why some stuff are triggering etc...
It can be a reason why you can try and be more compasionate and forgiveable.
But it's not a 'get me out of jail' card.

My DH has some issues too that have created a lot of problems for us as a couple. This is not something that is under his control and medication wouldn't change things. However, if he hadn't changed some of his behaviours to meet me half way, there is no way I would have carried on with the realtionship. Becuase yes you end up been more 'understandable' than a lot of other people but there is only so much you can take.

re the commenst from his boss and friends. Its all good when yu see his at work/at a party etc... Yu can be understanding etc... It's different to live with it day in and day out.

He REALLY has to do something about it (on is own, with the GO or cunsellor help, whatever)

donewith I'm speaking from experience. My DH didn't do it in public, but he was a 'hissy-pitcher' big time. I assume he did it before we met but early in our marriage it went from pitching hissys at inanimate objects (lost keys, screws that wouldn't unscrew, etc) to pitching hissys at me. It was pretty subtle, but I finally cottoned on.

The only thing that will work is counseling, end of discussion. You will NOT be able to stop him on your own. I gave DH an ultimatum that either he get counseling or I was done, done, done. And I meant it, and he knew it. So if he didn't want me to walk out right now with the children, he'd better get it under control So we went to counseling and the counselor finally got through to him that his behaviour was unacceptable childish and emotionally abusive. The other thing the counselor impressed on him was that I have a finite tolerance for the fits not aimed at me, but that even I didn't know what that tolerance was. That all I knew was that one day he'd pitch one fit too many and I'd be gone. He listened. We've been married about 30 years and the fits aimed at me are gone, but I won't say he's perfect. I will say that if he pitches a fit within my hearing he usually cuts it when he realizes I'm in earshot. Because I do still have a finite tolerance and I don't know what that tolerance is and he knows it!

Good luck.

I must admit I have been guilty of this but never to that extent ..... If I was upset over something I may sleep in another room or walk out..... But only because I'd try to talk about how I was feeling or problems I thought we were having and I'd never get a response and the. I'd look like a spoilt brat and then I know he'd be saying in his head I could never be with someone like her ..... I was never going to win as he never thought he did anything wrong

Did he do this even before you were married? I couldn´t have settled down with someone as melodramatic and unbalanced as this! It sounds like he cannot manage his own emotions, like you would expect from a young child who is having to deal with overwhelming feelings. They have an excuse to kick off in public, grown ups do not!

Is he also like this in private presumably? How do you know he does this with his boss? Cos it got him into trouble?? I find what you describe absolutely shocking and I don´t give a shit what happened in his childhood, nothing, but nothing can ever excuse this sort of behaviour imo.

If it were me I would tell him to go for therapy, with the ultimatum that if he doesn´t I´d end the relationship. And in the meantime I would flat refuse to go anywhere with him in public. If he cares enough about you and his kids he will seek help. Think of it as an acid test. Cos I honestly think an ultimatum is the only way to possibly change this. He´s never gonna change of his own volition or he would have done so by now!

How he´s behaving is downright disrespectful and demeaning to you and it is not the way a normal person treas someone they allegedly love. He needs to know there will be consequences, hence threatening to end the marriage. If you just keep on listening to his ¨sorrys¨ and forgiving him then he does it again the next time he´s learning nothing is he? Accept that you are a mug who will just continue to accept his disrespect.

I think all the ladies who responded saying their ex did that too is very telling btw. They´re exs for a reason! This behaviour alone, if he is not prepared to take ownership and acknowledge he has a problem then seek help, would be enough to kill off any love I had tbh. I couldn´t live like this.

Oh my God, Dunwith,I read your original post and I felt sick as you were describing my ex to a tee. He could and would fly off the handle any time, any where. If you have never been in a relationship like this then lucky you, but you have to have lived through it to understand it.
The first time it happens it is a total shock, particularly as everything has been rosy up to that point.You hope it's a glitch and hope it will never happen again. Could be months til next time, as emotional abusers are very clever at lulling you into a false sense of security before doing it again.My ex could also be very loving and charming in between episodes.Then you get the big "I'm sorrys", the terrible childhood backstory gets wheeled out, things calm down and hey ho away we go, the whole cycle starts again.
Why did I put up with that for four years? The tantrums, the storming out in restaurants, the screaming in my face, the food being thrown at me? I am an intelligent woman , but all I can say is it grinds you down. I also come from an emotionally abusive background, so to some extent this was my "normality".
Have a look at "How a seemingly healthy relationship turns abusive " on the She knows website, it spells it out in black and white. When you are in a relationship that has gone so badly wrong it is difficult to be objective. Throw in guilt, shame, and fear into the mix and you have the perfect (shit) storm.
For me the tantrums escalated and escalated, he refused to acknowledge they were a problem (quote "that's just the way I am"), refused to discuss them, and it finally filtered through to me that I could either carry on walking on egg shells, or walk away. I am lucky in that we didn't live together or have kids together so I could extricate myself relatively easily.
It was and is still fucking painful though.

Next time he looks like he's going to flip and you are out.
Stand up, throw your drink over him, yell that you won't put up with it and then storm out.
Be out of action for a few hours.
See how he likes it.
Obviously don't do this if it's a hot drink.
Maybe order a tap water on the side every time you go out from now on.
Your poor DC must be learning some awful lessons from their dad.
I'd not want them in that environment.

My DF was like this when I was growing up - he would display exactly the same types of behavior (Particularly in restaurants or with shop assistants, but also in the home with minor infringements from my brother, myself or my DM).

My DM excused it as a mental health issue, caused by childhood circumstances. My DF did not have any treatment or formal diagnosis. It was just 'accepted' as reality.

I accepted this throughout my childhood and adolescence but I eventually worked out that he COULD control it. (He never lost his temper with someone who was a physical challenge to him, for example. He never got physical with people although he would throw things / smash doors etc). And the fact that he knew (And believe me - HE KNEW) that his behavior was unacceptable, he never pro-actively sought any medical or psychological help. I still can't forgive him for that.

He eventually was forced to accept medical assistance after a particularly bad episode. He never followed up on it or carried on with any counselling although he takes a mild mood stabilizing medication now. The dosage is never reviewed - it is just repeatedly prescribed with no questions asked (They are not in the UK) He is slightly better now, but we still need to watch closely for any triggers that could set him off.

As an adult - I have had to offer many ultimatums, particularly when he started behaving in 'his' way with my DH. DF listens for a while but then soon has one of his 'moods' for another reason.

If I am honest with myself, it is one of the reasons why I am happily living abroad and out of his influence on myself or my family.

I have also had counseling myself to come to terms with my childhood and the way my DF behaved. I carry the emotional damage with me still - the desperate need to please, the fear of making mistakes or saying no to anyone.

I know I have painted a negative picture here but I did not want to gloss over the effect that his behavior could have on your DC. So much of my childhood issues & my mother's unhappiness now could have been resolved by getting DF help earlier on.

He clearly needs help of some sort.

Life with him sounds pretty awful to me, even if this is 'only' 20% of the time. If you don't do something, you're enabling him.

To me it seems simple. If he doesn't address his problems and attempt to fix this awful behaviour, I would not have much hope for the future relationship.

But Briteside you can´t get someone help if they don´t even acknowledge they have a problem, let alone want to be helped in the 1st place. We can´t force help on people or even make them change. I believe ultimatums are the only way, if a person is unwilling to seek therapy. And obv that isn´t a quick fix in any case.

At least with kids and adolescents you can have punishments and consequences. BUt you can´t ground an adult or take away their play station. You just have to work with whatever is within your control. I couldn´t even love someone like the OP´s husband. It´s disgusting to go on like that and think an insincere ¨sorry¨ will cut it. Everyone has a limit.

It´s good that you shared your story and gave the perspective from a child´s viewpoint. This just illustrates how horribly damaging it is to impressionable kids. Esp if he kicks off with them too, or they´re present when he has one of his ¨episodes¨. Kids will either copy that or become traumatised like you did. I´m sorry to hear you had such a shit time. If your mother had been a stronger woman and left him you might have had a happier childhood with no negative legacy from your abusive dad imprinted on you for ever more.

Xdh was like that. One of the reasons I divorced him. He did it because he was an attention-seeking selfish arse.

If your mother had been a stronger woman

Perhaps her mother was a strong woman when she met him....abusive, controlling men tend to have the effect of crushing a woman's strength and spirit.

Only someone who's experienced it can understand. It's easy and so typical to switch the blame from the abuser to the abused.

Fear is debilitating and in some cases it can take a long time to regain enough strength and courage to fight back.

And he refuses to get help. It's almost like he's used it as an excuse to be an unreasonable person.

Of course he's using it as an excuse. If he got help, he wouldn't have everyone running around after him, doing what he wants, and saying "Oh poor man, he had a bad childhood you know, he can't help it"

I had a bad childhood. I had BPD. I got treatment, because I owed it to the people around me who had to put up with my bullshit every day. If he won't seek help then he's a fucking coward I don't see any other recourse but for you to leave, because the longer you leave your children exposed to this, the harder it will be for them to overcome the lessons he's teaching them.

The example you gave of the school conversation is total bullshit. He didn't get triggered, that's utter bollocks. He just felt like humiliating you, because now he's addicted to that feeling of power and control which you've been enabling for so long.

Sounds like attention seeking to me.

Nobody should create scenes in public. Nobody. Well maybe Banksy. He carries it off rather well.

I don't think your H is Banksy though, is he? Eh?

He enjoys other people's embarrassment. If no-one cared, he would find a new 'sport'

If he refuses to get help, then all you can do is 'walk away'. Either walk away from him when he throws these tantrums, or just plan walk away from him. I'd take option two.

He's absolutely using it as an excuse. He needs anger management. And to stop making everything about himself.

Leave.

You don't have to live like this. At all. He needs to see a GP or you need to divorce him.

Everyone in his life that condones this behaviour is doing a disservice to him. Everyone that accepts these walkouts as something to do with his childhood is probably right but it doesn't make it acceptable to respond to something that you don't like by sneering like a bully and walking out. It makes you pretty fucked up as it happens.

My sbeh used to do always do this, it got to the point I was scared to say anything to aggravate him as he would cause a big scene! so embarrassing...yes my ex had a horrible childhood too, but if they refuse help why should we feel sympathy or put up with that type of bullying behaviour?

I bet you have other issues with him as well.

I don't think it sounds like an anger issue per se. It sounds like all emotions that he has difficulty with. It probably does all come from the childhood tragedy and is I think a much, much more complex issue than simple selfishness, attention-seeking or controlling behaviour. I don't imagine ultimatums or calling him on it will make him realise what he is doing and change at all. Doing so will probably intensify the behaviour because it will trigger the abandonment trauma he has.

IMHO he needs proper psychiatric/ psychological help. But as I said earlier in thread, getting help is entirely down to him, you can't do this for him.

All you can do, I guess, is tell him how much his behaviour is affecting you and that you want it to stop. Tell him you need him to seek help for his family's sake if not his. If he does seek help, brilliant, if he doesn't then you have to decide what you need to do to be happy.

I do feel for you OP. It all sounds v difficult.