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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone have a H who creates scenes in public?

168 replies

donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 14:21

My H has a tendency to do this - flouncing out of restaurants and leaving me sitting there on my own being stared at, getting upset and raising his voice in the middle of the street as we're walking along. Countless examples, sometimes several times a week, sometimes it doesn't happen for months.

Why do people do this? Is it that he just doesn't have a sense of self consciousness? Or is it because he knows I will try to calm things down?

OP posts:
ovenchips · 09/02/2016 15:13

Thanks for example. That is a seriously dysfunctional situation you describe, in which he behaved oddly and irrationally. I can only imagine that he has very serious 'issues' or some MH problems. Which would be for him to recognise and deal with as you can't simply can't make him change.

All you can do is change how you react. But it sounds just about intolerable to live with.

LeaLeander · 09/02/2016 15:14

So he makes everything all about him, even a conversation about the child's school?

Eww. Sounds like a very, very unattractive person and one who desperately needs counseling for his childishness and insecurities. I am surprised his employer is willing to stand for such behavior. What sort of job does he have?

What age is he? Does he have any diagnosed emotional/mental health issues?

As another said, if he truly were sorry for treating you that way, he would find a way to control himself. But apparently he suffers no consequences so why should he, eh?

CruCru · 09/02/2016 15:15

I had an ex who would do this (I was very young at the time, he was older). It was EXHAUSTING. What did sometimes work was saying "Gosh, are you sulking (he was a massive sulker, so was his mother) AGAIN?!?!"

However, my life was 100% better after we broke up. I do understand that is not easy when you have kids though.

ProfGrammaticus · 09/02/2016 15:16

It sounds like manipulative behaviour to me, too, I'm afraid OP. He's stopping you from expressing your feelings by being childish and over dramatic with his own.

I'm not sure how you'll get him to change, without making him feel the consequences of his own behaviour (instead of you). Is the seeking reassurance as you describe above a regular feature? What does he get out of all this - being the centre if attention, then reinforcement that you still love him no matter what?

I guess you need to change your reaction, once you have thought over the dynamic and worked out what he gets out of it. I'd start by having disappeared and gone home every time he storms out, not sitting there waiting for him to come back and be centre of everyone's attention again.

Palomb · 09/02/2016 15:18

Jeez op, he sounds like an absolute twat. You really do not have to put up with being walked out on. Ever. If my DH did that to me once I might forgive him - we all have our moments but twice and I'd be looking for a way out.

Original poster
donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 15:19

H has a complex childhood which would out me on here if I said what it was. Think natural disasters and the loss of everyone close at the time. I can see very clearly it's led to him having multiple triggers. Many of the people who forgive him, know about his childhood, and I think they forgive him for that reason. Also when I vent to them about him, they bring it up and remind me that he was not as fortunate as me.

But this situation is not workable for me. And he refuses to get help. It's almost like he's used it as an excuse to be an unreasonable person.

OP posts:
OwlCurrency · 09/02/2016 15:21

I think he must be emotionally unstable. Possibly to the point of it being a mental health condition.

But it's not up to you to fix that for him.

Grumpyoldblonde · 09/02/2016 15:23

Then he has more complex issue than he could expect a wife to deal with, sounds like a tragic time and no wonder he has problems, but, you cannot be expected to deal with them other than the usual loving support and talking. Sounds like he needs proper help and if he won't seek it...

helenahandbag · 09/02/2016 15:24

He sounds unhinged, or unstable at the very least. I honestly couldn't be with someone who was like that and I wouldn't want to spend my life tiptoeing around him in case he exploded.

I can't believe he actually acts that way towards his boss! How the fuck does he still have a job??

ProfGrammaticus · 09/02/2016 15:25

Ok, so he has problems. That isn't an excuse to behave like a twat, it is a reason to get help. Will he go to counselling?

HesterShaw · 09/02/2016 15:25

Oh OP :(

It sounds absolutely rubbish. 80% of the time he is ok? That means one fifth of the time he's being a dick. Or one year out of five, if you will. That's quite a lot.

You only live once. Do you honestly want to live like this for the rest of your life? He's not going to change is he?

LeaLeander · 09/02/2016 15:27

Well, that's tragic, but you are not his psychiatrist.
And frankly a grown man whining about "triggers" is pretty grim. Lots of men have been in wars, natural disasters etc. and they keep the stiff upper lip.

Did you know all this about him before you married/conceived children with him or did he hide it until you were tied to him?

Grumpyoldblonde · 09/02/2016 15:29

Well, I can have sympathy for him if he lost his close ones in one fell swoop. My concern would be that even if you as his wife can understand and tolerate to an extent, the kids shouldn't have to. Have you had a frank discussion about him seeking help? Told him you can't tolerate this?

fluffiphlox · 09/02/2016 15:31

I don't comment much in Relationships but saw this in Active Convos. Christ! I couldn't put up with it. Why do you?

BigJockButMoreWeeThanBigBigJoc · 09/02/2016 15:31

H has a complex childhood

Ok, that's still not a get out clause for acting like a dick. If he is that affected he needs to get help, at the minute all he is doing is passing that stress and misery on to you and your children.

I am not unsympathetic my partner had a horrific childhood; while knowing about it can help both of us understand some of his reactions/thought processes it doesn't give him a pass to treat others, especially those he's meant to love, badly.

Same goes for your 'D'H

wonkylampshade · 09/02/2016 15:31

I wouldn't expect anyone who had been through a tragedy of that magnitude to display a stiff lip in all honestly.

But OP, he needs help to address these issues because he's bullying you with these outbursts.

ImperialBlether · 09/02/2016 15:31

Is he a teacher? It sounds as though he took that comment about the school very personally.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2016 15:31

What are his reasons for refusing to seek help?.

KittyandTeal · 09/02/2016 15:32

I was a bit Shock and Angry at the pp who suggested bpd but actually I take it back after reading that example.

The impulse control and abandonment stuff shouts bpd and I say that as a sufferer and someone who hates the automatic mental health label that goes with bad behaviour.

The fact that he does it with everyone, even his boss, suggests that it's not just controlling behaviour (although part of it is)

However, even if it is bpd it doesn't mean you say 'oh there something wrong with you I have to accept it and live with it'. I have bpd and although I feel like doing thaws things sometimes I never bloody well do.

I'd be livid with him and tell him either he packs it in or goes to the gp because he's obviously unwell

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2016 15:34

Many people have lost lives, loved ones and their livelihoods through natural disasters like earthquakes and tsunamis. These survivors have not all gone onto behave as your H now does.

Can you see yourself remaining as his wife?.

trulybadlydeeply · 09/02/2016 15:36

My DS (6) behaves like this. Emotional outbursts when things don't go his way, flounces to his bedroom, hugs and apologies a while later. But that's fine, he's 6, and we're still teaching him about managing his emotions and acceptable behaviour.

Whatever awful things your DH has been through, it almost sounds like he is emotionally "stuck" in childhood, and therefore in childish behaviours. Now it sounds like it must have been something pretty horrific, and every sympathy to him, but that does not mean that you have to put up with being treated like this. Has he had support/therapy for what happened? Would he consider some kind of therapy or treatment now?

He cannot use what happened as an excuse to treat you this way, however awful it was. His behaviour is his responsibility, and ultimately he is choosing to behave like this. I feel that you will sadly need to make some very serious ultimatums (e.g if you behave like that once more then I cannot continue with this relationship) if you want anything to change. By allowing this to continue you, his family, and his work colleagues are facilitating his behaviour.

Good luck OP

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/02/2016 15:37

While a childhood disaster naturally attracts sympathy, I'm interested that others have learned to make excuses for him: "he's not been as fortunate as you" etc.

Is it perhaps possible that he's learned to use this as "cover" for behaviour which would otherwise be roundly condemned?

ItchyArmpits · 09/02/2016 15:38

But this situation is not workable for me. And he refuses to get help. It's almost like he's used it as an excuse to be an unreasonable person.

You know what the logical conclusion of this is, right?

Would your H consider getting help if it was the alternative to divorce?

bakeoffcake · 09/02/2016 15:39

My Dh had issues regarding his childhood which would set off huge "strops" over something very small.

One day I'd had enough, I told him he either got help or We would be divorcing.

He emailed a psychiatrist within the hour and has been seeing him for two years. It has changed his life and mine!

OP your H obviously needs help. But if he won't get it, he isn't going to change is he? You can't live the rest of your life too frightened to bring subjects up in case he explodes. Tell him he HAS to get help if he wants his family around him.

OnlyLovers · 09/02/2016 15:41

Next time he starts on a rant, leave before him. Don't say anything or look back.

Keep doing it. And sometimes be the one to start ranting. Turn the tables on him.

The way he responds will speak volumes.