Anyone have a H who creates scenes in public?

[donewithusernames]

My H has a tendency to do this - flouncing out of restaurants and leaving me sitting there on my own being stared at, getting upset and raising his voice in the middle of the street as we're walking along. Countless examples, sometimes several times a week, sometimes it doesn't happen for months.

Why do people do this? Is it that he just doesn't have a sense of self consciousness? Or is it because he knows I will try to calm things down?

it's a way to control people...a 'dominance behaviour'

a way to make sure make sure that everything revolves around him, no one can relax in his presence, everyone is nervously watching him out of the corner of their eye, just checking in case he kicks off.

Not necessarily a strategy that he deliberately and consciously employs just something that he has learned over time and now does instinctively in situations where he feels he will get some sort of payoff

My ex had form for this.

one of the reasons he's my ex. Bloody humiliating.

You must feel like you are living on eggshells OP?

I haven't rtft, so my apologies, but wanted to comment as I've been in this situation.

DH used to do this. We almost separated and went to counselling as a last ditch attempt. This made a huge difference. Once he knew I wasn't going to put up with it, it stopped. He is choosing to behave this way and yes, he is being a manipulative dick. However, he could stop if he wanted to.

I also went for counselling on my own and my counsellor told me to give as good as I got and not to stay calm as this was actually making it worse, not better. So, the next time he did it I went after him, screamed like a loon, called him a dick etc.

It hasn't happened since.

Obviously, this worked for us, but it might not work for you.

Saying sorry isn't good enough. He has to stop.

I should also add that my DH had counselling on his own too and CBT. He is a much improved version of himself. If he hadn't gotten help, I'd have left. Knowing this forced him to address his problems.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

I have suggested counselling a few times. He flatly refused. I've never given him an ultimatum though. Maybe he would respond to that.

You won´t know till you try. But you need to be sincere or he might call your bluff. You really do have to decide if you want to carry on being Target Practice for this oversized toddler who enjoys humiliating and belittling you in public and has no plan to ever change ( cos change requires acknowledging you´ve got a problem and effort, right? ) cos you just suck it up until it happens again. OR you tell him straight and in no uncertain terms that you will leave him ( or kick him out ) if he ever does that again, and in the meantime he needs to seek help and you don´t go out anywhere with him in public again.

Well that´s what I would do. Mazzle´s marriage nearly broke up but at least her OH went for therapy. BUt every single other lady on here who has experienced this type of behaviour says it was from their EX. Because nobody can go on living like this indefinately...

Even if you don´t do it for you, think of your kids and do it for them. Would you like them to grow up emulating your OH´s ghastly behaviour towards others?? Parents should lead by example, and what is he showing them? That it´s OK to act like a wanker towards people cos their mother just tolerates it, enables it, therefore it must be OK?!

Give him the ultimatum. What have you got to lose?

I think you need to do joint counselling. And he needs some on his own too.

Sounds like my dad, he was always causing a scene or buggering off.

I remember it making me cry when we had taken him out for his birthday (driven almost hr to see him, bought him gifts etc) when I was in my early 20's.
He took against the restaurant - that he had chosen!
After that time we vowed never again.

Thing is, not everyone who has suffered is a wanker. Your H might have been a wanker without whatever boohoo childhood trauma he suffered.

Sooner or later, everyone gets sick of drama llamas. People will refuse to go out on public with him, stop inviting him to their homes, fire him from jobs, stop calling/texting him, because life is simply too short to indulge one selfish wanker indefinitely.

Tell him he either gets help or he's going to be divorced. And in the meantime, get yourself a Kindle or load some good music on your phone and get some headphones, and once he starts to tantrum, say in a very bored voice "Let me know when you've finished your paddy, OK?" and withdraw all attention, just sit and read and ignore him until he starts behaving like a grown up.

If this leads to him becoming physically aggressive, call the police and throw him out of the family home.

My DS has something which sounds very like this. My DS's problem is beleived to be a combination of extreme prematurity and early life trauma.

Google Executive function or executive processing disorder. It a problem with the development of the pre-frontal cortex of the brain in early childhood (or for other reasons like autism or brain injury) and one of the key things is a difficulty regulating emotions behaving with the right intensity of emotion difficulty changing tack - it can also have management elements like poor time management or task management.

It is the fact that he is the same with everyone that makes me think he isn't being controlling but genuinely cannot control his emotions. Also the difficult childhood as early life trauma is a known cause.

It is possible to create new neural pathways and to improve your executive function but the older you are the harder it is - still possible though.

However it's not possible if he isn;t prepared to address it.

My sympathies - it is very hard to live with and the fact that there might actually be a person who is very nice and genuinely sorry that they behave like this makes it harder.

When someone with Executive processing problems is having a meltdown - think toddler! WHat works with DS is staying calm and saying to him - I'm not talking to you when you're using that nasty voice. Of course DS is 10 so its easier to do.

Blimey Kew he can't be ten already

He is indeed and a strapping 10 at that not a teeny tiny scrap anymore!

I've come across a few people like that. One started screaming like a 2 year old at his wife for next to nothing while I was there doing him a favour. One of those moments you want the ground to open up and Swallow you. I couldn't get my head round the fact he clearly felt no remorse or embarrassment afterwards, carrying on like nothing had happened. I concluded that he was one of those weird types that has no social awareness and no amount of trying to enlighten him would get through his thick skull.
There's loads of these types about. I think your husbands one of them.

My father is like this. I grew up witnessing my mother treated like a verbal punching bag and the embarrassment of the whole neighbourhood knowing my father was the local laughing stock.

I now have minimal contact with both my parents as I told my mother long ago I would not be subjecting my own children to this fucked up dynamic and that I had had a belly full of his ridiculous self pitying dramas

So, they live 3 miles away and get a token birthday and Xmas visit for a strained hour

My mum chose to stay with him. He has never mellow, never improved and he still treats her like shit. They are in their 70's and live this strange insular life because family and friends drifted away one by one. She still appeases him, just like you are doing. She is on sedating medication to get her through the day.

This is your future if you do not change it.

"H has a complex childhood" bullshit! I've had an extremely 'complex' childhood. I also know several people who've been through extreme events, war, famine, natural disasters, loss of close family they don't behave like this!

He's using it as a pp said as a 'get out of jail free' card!

I'm another who's exh behaved this way, so did his father (another who used the traumatic childhood excuse yet his stepfather who really did have a horrific childhood is no saint but would never behave like this! My father has behaved like this all my life and he was golden boy in his family!).

I did at one point start refusing to go out with him to certain types of events as I knew he'd end up behaving this way (this was used as an excuse for his cheating!).

If you give an ultimatum you have to mean it or its pointless! So perhaps one you feel is manageable eg get therapy and sort this behaviour or I will not go out with you publicly.

It affected my ex's and my father's careers detrimentally, ex has just lost his job and I suspect this type of behaviour was part of the issue.

That's lovely to hear, Kew 😀

I totally agree that in ultimatum is pointless if you're not prepared to follow through. Are you? What will you do - stop going out with them? Start sleeping in the spare room? Stop being intimate? Start shortlisting lawyers?

stop going out with him (not them)

Before you issue an ultimatum, you really have to be sure you will leave because with what he's doing, if you don't he will escalate for certain.

Do you actually want to stay with him OP? Analyse why you posted this. Is he otherwise perfect for you or have you lost any feeling for him. I can only speak for myself but this behaviour would have eroded any feelgood factor for me. I had an ex that did something similar although he didn't flounce, he leaned in and said something really nasty to me in a restaurant once as he knew I couldn't do anything about it in public. My love for him died in that moment and as soon as I could practically leave, I left and did something unspeakable with his toothbrush
You can leave him just because he gets on your tits you know!

It doesn't really matter if the cause of this behaviour is
mental health issues
childhood trauma
just being a twat

What matters is whether you are prepared to put up with it.

Maybe he can't control whether he behaves this way. But you can control whether you are anywhere in the vicinity when he does.

Next time in public he demonstrates this ridiculous flounce over the smallest of things you definitely should do as others have suggested

He's just a toddler
for goodness sake don't lower yourself to his level!
walk away, disengage and don't fight fire with fire, you will only ever be the net loser. Deal with it in private.

Yy to the car crash childhood NOT being a reason for bad behaviour, that's just an pathetic excuse!

OP, "not putting up with it " involves telling him calmly that you will not tolerate this behaviour any more and if it carries on you will end the marriage.

Then if he carries on, follow through and ditch him.

I think you need to leave. He will not change without a lot of therapeutic support which as you say he's not willing to start getting.
Can you take this for the next 40 years?