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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone have a H who creates scenes in public?

168 replies

donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 14:21

My H has a tendency to do this - flouncing out of restaurants and leaving me sitting there on my own being stared at, getting upset and raising his voice in the middle of the street as we're walking along. Countless examples, sometimes several times a week, sometimes it doesn't happen for months.

Why do people do this? Is it that he just doesn't have a sense of self consciousness? Or is it because he knows I will try to calm things down?

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 09/02/2016 14:40

Wait?

Is he upset at you OP or a third party? Like his food is cold or barman spilt his beer, things like that?

If my OH showed me up in public like that and it was directed at me and as a result of something I had done then they wouldn't be my OH for much longer.
If my OH got upset and flounced as a result of something justifiably wrong, a restaurant orer wrong, rude waiter, etc, then I'd probably flounce with them.
If my OH got upset over something that they thought was justifiable but it really wasn't then I'd not flounce with her I explain why they flounced and leave calmly.

It's not the flounce that's the problem it's the context of the flounce.

(This post is the most I have ever used the word flounce in my life Grin)

Goodbetterbest · 09/02/2016 14:40

Yes, it's one of the reasons he is now my XH.

Attention seeking twat who wouldn't modify his behaviour according to the situation. Always unnecessary, often goading. Like a petulant toddler. My DCs were never prone to tantrums, my XH was.

It's yet another thing I don't miss.

MardyGrave · 09/02/2016 14:41

Could you give a real example of how this goes down op? I'm really struggling to understand it.

Grumpyoldblonde · 09/02/2016 14:41

Have you told him you simply will not tolerate this anymore?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2016 14:41

And you and he are still together because...

BramblePie · 09/02/2016 14:42

80 percept every day. Sod that. How can you be bothered with that?
If he flounces you say "that is not acceptable behaviour, you have apologised too many times for this. Actions speak louder than words".

If he starts spouting at off at home I find a "that's your issue" nips it in the bud.
But actually i'd prob leave if anyone even flounced one me 1 time!

magpie17 · 09/02/2016 14:44

I would hate this, I hate any kind of 'scene'. As do most normal people I suppose, which leads me to think that he is doing it deliberately to embarrass you. If he also does it with others or at work I can't really understand how he has any friends or job left to be honest, it's ridiculous and childish behaviour.

Not putting up with it means that the next time he does it is the last. Either because he agrees to completely change his response to stress/anger or because you leave him. Those would be the two options I would be putting in front of him - he can pick which one he is willing to live with.

eddielizzard · 09/02/2016 14:44

have you tried pre-empting him with a 'oh are you working up to your flounce again?' in a bored voice?

Grumpyoldblonde · 09/02/2016 14:45

I would think that if you, op, want to remain with him then possibly the only thing to do would be to try and shame him, every, singe time, tell him he makes himself look stupid, like a big baby and it is not attractive. Does he keep his jobs for long?

ovenchips · 09/02/2016 14:45

Sounds very difficult. Could you give one specific example of when he has done it? (To get an idea of it - am struggling to picture what he is getting so irate about at mo).

Does he do it when you're not in public?

wonkylampshade · 09/02/2016 14:46

Urgh, I have an ex who did this.

He used to pick public places to kick off or deliberately set me on edge and say the most horrible things while I tried not to let it upset me in front of other people. Then treat me like I was nuts for being upset about it afterwards. It was almost like he was on a power trip of some sort.

It's actually abusive and nasty, and as a pp mentioned, he's behaving like an overgrown toddler.

Theendispie · 09/02/2016 14:46

I suppose refusing to go out to public places with him would be a refusing to put up with it thing.

I just would not be able to stand this at all.

It's like my MIL she is late for everything and I mean hours. If her family had done stuff like not waited for her and gone off without her and actually said we are not inviting you because you are never on time. It would have been the only way to possibly force a change in behaviour.

If everyone is accommodating his behaviour he will think it's not that bad.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 09/02/2016 14:46

People in soaps behave like this. People in RL do not unless they are abusive or have a personality disorder.

Ludways · 09/02/2016 14:47

My ex do d that, one of them any reasons he's an ex.

wonkylampshade · 09/02/2016 14:47

My ex was and still is the kind of person who makes himself feel good by picking other people to bits - commonly known as a bully I suppose.

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2016 14:47

It's not down to you to 'manage' him though - either accept it or leave - I know which one I'd choose

Original poster
donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 14:48

Every time I tell him I won't tolerate he has an excuse for that particular situation. There was a misunderstanding. Or I need to realise that he gets triggered by a or b topics. Or he was actually upset about something else but thought he was upset with me.

An example is I wasn't happy about one of our DC's schools - and I wanted to talk about moving schools. So when DH and I were having a coffee in a cafe I brought it up and said why I wasn't happy. Out of nowhere he said he found me ruthless and cold with no respect for people in public sector professions. Did I know how hard schools worked? He dreaded to think what my attitude would be to him if he suddenly 'stopped performing' to my standards. No he will not calm down, he's disgusted at my power trip thinking I can just remove DC from a school when the going gets tough (I didn't say that at all, just wanted to voice my worries.). Walks out.

Comes back 15 mins later and tells me it made him feel like I could dispose of him as easily as I was suggesting disposing of the school. Do I still love him? Do I forgive him?

OP posts:
Iwonderif · 09/02/2016 14:48

Give him taste of his own medicine. The saying two wrongs don't make a right is often so wrong. He's walking over you and expects you to simply go along with it and accept his very childish & rather pathetic behaviour. Next time in public he demonstrates this ridiculous flounce over the smallest of things you definitely should do as others have suggested. Embarrass the hell out of HIM and make it known you're sick of his ridiculous and hurtful tantrums. Life is too short & too precious to be ok just 80% of the time OP.

All the very best Flowers

BlondeOnATreadmill · 09/02/2016 14:49

The next time you go out, make sure you have plenty of money/credit card. If he flounces out of the restaurant, don't follow him, order another drink etc, and then get yourself booked in to a Travel Lodge. Don't answer any texts or calls. Go completely off the grid for 24 hours.

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2016 14:50

And you have kids too Shock

Why do you stay?

Iwonderif · 09/02/2016 14:50

I think he possibly needs counselling OP

ShelaghTurner · 09/02/2016 14:50

Watching with interest as there is someone close to me who is exactly like this, only she's female. It makes life hell if she's in the wrong mood and she doesn't give a toss where she kicks off or who she upsets.

ricketytickety · 09/02/2016 14:51

Used to...now an ex. Controlling behaviour. You can't change it though, sadly. Agree it is part of anti-social personality.

Annarose2014 · 09/02/2016 14:51

God. He sounds a bit nuts, tbh.

Your hair must be falling out living with someone like that.

Does he act like that with the kids? Cos if he does he's damaging them a lot.

ValiantMouse · 09/02/2016 14:51

Honestly you'd be better off without him.

If he was really sorry, it wouldn't happen again- he'd remember that he'd upset you and control himself.

I couldn't live like that.