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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone have a H who creates scenes in public?

168 replies

donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 14:21

My H has a tendency to do this - flouncing out of restaurants and leaving me sitting there on my own being stared at, getting upset and raising his voice in the middle of the street as we're walking along. Countless examples, sometimes several times a week, sometimes it doesn't happen for months.

Why do people do this? Is it that he just doesn't have a sense of self consciousness? Or is it because he knows I will try to calm things down?

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 09/02/2016 14:51

You have kids, does he behave like this in front of them? I dread to think... would he consider anger management do you think?

Kr1stina · 09/02/2016 14:52

My mother does that , it's one of her many ways of controlling people . I no longer have any contact with her.

Of course your H gets over it easily, that's because he is not upset . There's nothing for him to get over .He is completely within his own control . It's a behaviour he can turn on and off to get his own way.

leelu66 · 09/02/2016 14:53

YANBU, OP. My DH does this sometimes. If I pull him up on something in public (quietly, so no one else hears), he will sometimes react by swearing.

There's not much I can suggest except telling him every single time that it's unacceptable for him to embarrass me in public.

He knows that I will walk away now. I think you are entitled to walk away from someone who does this.

ricketytickety · 09/02/2016 14:54

You can't forgive something he hasn't asked forgiveness for. He won't see what is wrong with it. It's a control issue - he's using it as a tool to control you. Gets two birds with one stone: he gets his way and he can humiliate you at the same time

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 09/02/2016 14:55

Sounds totally self obsessed. You're his enabler and until you stop he won't stop.

Hillfarmer · 09/02/2016 14:55

This is abusive. 80per cent nice = not nice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2016 14:56

donewithusernames,

re your comment:-
"Every time I tell him I won't tolerate he has an excuse for that particular situation. There was a misunderstanding. Or I need to realise that he gets triggered by a or b topics. Or he was actually upset about something else but thought he was upset with me".

So he is really not accepting any real responsibility for his actions is he, its your fault for mentioning any topic at all. It is one of many tactics of abusive people to blame all others rather than themselves. What he has and is doing here for him works, he is also doing this because he can.

What do you know about his familial background OP?.

Why are you still together?.

You also have children together; what do you think they are learning from the two of you about relationships here?. Is this really the role model you also want to be showing them?.

ricketytickety · 09/02/2016 14:57

Just to be clear; when he says you upset him, you don't. What really pisses him off is that he hasn't immediately got his way. Trying to convince you that you upset him somehow just makes you want to be agreeable so he can get his way.

TheVeryThing · 09/02/2016 14:57

Wow, that is not normal behaviour, and very manipulative.

I really don't think I could be with someone who had so little regard for me.

I would tell him that I was no longer prepared to tolerate this, and walk away from him every time he started.

And my forgiveness would not be forthcoming.
What did you say to him in your example about the school conversation?

Sparkletastic · 09/02/2016 14:58

Tell him that no excuses are acceptable and not everything is about him. If his biggest fear is you leaving him point out that this behaviour is more like to bring about that result. Tell him no more chances and mean it.

Seriouslyffs · 09/02/2016 14:58

That all sounds really scary. Have the children started copying him yet?
What happened the first time he did it?

zombiesarecoming · 09/02/2016 14:59

80% of the time he's ok which means 20% of the time he is a childish twat

So that means given the time sleeping and working when you don't interact with him he spends a few hours everyday being a knob

LTB I think is the best option here, let someone else deal with his shit

ricketytickety · 09/02/2016 15:00

And I would add that everything he said about you eg. lack of respect and disposing of people easily is massive projection that is what he knows about himself. He is disrespectful and finds it easy to dispose of you.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 09/02/2016 15:00

I used to.
It's one of he reasons he is now an ex...

3WiseWomen · 09/02/2016 15:03

Only two possibilities.

Either he has some serious MH issues and needs to go and see his GP.

Or he is a twat and you shuldn't accept that sort of behaviour. Sorry but it's easy to say yes I know but .... yoou know I don't like talking about a abd b, I was worried about xx etc... It's the BUT that isn't acceptable. Because that BUT means he is justified to do all the things you have told him not to do because it's making you unconfortable.

Because he is like this with his boss, friends etc, I might actually go with option 1. Has he ever gone to see his GP?

Lozislovely · 09/02/2016 15:03

My X was like this.

I remember one occasion I wanted to join Matalan. Used to cost £1 as I remember. Queued at the counter to register, assistant said £1. I had no money on me and X refused to break a £20 note and stormed out!

Multiple occasions in shops, restaurants, even when visiting family.

I was always embarrassed and apologetic because I felt I had to be.

He didn't change but I did - never went anywhere with him after a while because I couldn't deal with the potential fallouts.

You don't need to live your life like this.

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit · 09/02/2016 15:04

"Comes back 15 mins later and tells me it made him feel like I could dispose of him as easily as I was suggesting disposing of the school. Do I still love him? Do I forgive him?"

WTF?

This is a totally dysfunctional reaction to you wanting to talk about something serious, which I assume you wanted his input into.

This is not normal and you should try not to normalise it.

His reason is more worrying than the bizarre storming off tbh. Is he always so needy? Does everything always have to be about him?

ItWillWash · 09/02/2016 15:06

Urgh, my ex used to do this. He still does if we have to get together for anything to do with the children and still expects me to calm him/give a shit, five years later Hmm

I've taught myself to zone out completely. I literally do not even hear what he is ranting about anymore. Takes the wind right out of his sails when he realises he's getting no response.

He doesn't go as far as storming out anymore though, mores the pity Grin

Have you tried pre-empting his walk outs with one of your own? Just get up and leave, although I couldn't stay with someone like this.

BigJockButMoreWeeThanBigBigJoc · 09/02/2016 15:07

Sorry for the following harsh words but that is totally pathetic.

The example you've given, he managed to turn a conversation about concerns you had for your child into an issue about him. . .

He sounds like a total and utter Drama Lama, and selfish to boot. And by having excuses, to me that says he knows what he is doing is wrong, but he isn't prepared to take responsibility for it.

I doubt that there is anything you can do to make him change if he's had so many years of people enabling him. And I am shocked that his boss lets him away with it.

To quote an above poster If he was really sorry, it wouldn't happen again- he'd remember that he'd upset you and control himself.

I hope you find some solution; but I do know that I couldn't live like that.

Grumpyoldblonde · 09/02/2016 15:08

"Comes back 15 mins later and tells me it made him feel like I could dispose of him as easily as I was suggesting disposing of the school. Do I still love him? Do I forgive him?"

The answer to which could be "actually, every time you throw a baby strop, I lose a little more respect for you, and actually no I don't think I can forgive you this time"

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/02/2016 15:10

Mine did this; strops with retail staff, storming off if something didn't suit, snapping off the heads of anyone who didn't quite "behave" - you name it, and all done with a petulant, passive aggressive attitude which could change back to sweetness and light in an instant

Personally I believe it's down to a complete lack of empathy or self-knowledge of any type, and I'm afraid I don't buy into psychoanalytical twaddle when they can switch it on and off so easily

In this particular case it was behaviour learned from his mother who was exactly the same and had never been challenged in her life. But here's the point: he had a choice - and so does yours

Alienora · 09/02/2016 15:10

It sounds very controlling. If you don't behave as they wish, or disagree with them, then you'll be embarrassed and humiliated.

I don't know what to suggest but it's not something you should put up with of course

Seriouslyffs · 09/02/2016 15:11

Comes back 15 mins later...
There's your problem.

DoreenLethal · 09/02/2016 15:11

It sounds like he is unable to have an adult conversation. Perhaps you need to start taking him to soft play.

LMGTFY · 09/02/2016 15:12

Sorry op, this isn't normal. It sounds like 80% of the time it's ok cos you're holding your breath and not rocking the boat.

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