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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone have a H who creates scenes in public?

168 replies

donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 14:21

My H has a tendency to do this - flouncing out of restaurants and leaving me sitting there on my own being stared at, getting upset and raising his voice in the middle of the street as we're walking along. Countless examples, sometimes several times a week, sometimes it doesn't happen for months.

Why do people do this? Is it that he just doesn't have a sense of self consciousness? Or is it because he knows I will try to calm things down?

OP posts:

Wondermoomin · 11/02/2016 09:44

I haven't read the full thread but I have read all of your posts OP. I agree with what some others have said, your husband really does need counselling. Something like CBT would help him to break the cycle between things that happen/are said, his thoughts/feelings/assumptions about it, and the way he acts on it. It's a really useful way of challenging our current patterns of thought and behaviour and practising replacing them with more helpful and appropriate thoughts and ways of dealing with things.

Perhaps he's reluctant to get counselling because he imagines the stereotype of being on a couch in a room and can't see himself there? Does he know that counselling can take many different forms? It could be a weekly chat on the phone with the counsellor or even some self-guided computer-based work. If you can persuade him to go to the GP about it he could get some pointers/referrals for what's available in your area.

Good luck, I hope you get it resolved.

Kewcumber · 11/02/2016 10:30

"that's just an pathetic excuse!"

I'll let my child's psychologist know you think so

It's been shown with brain scans that children who suffer early life trauma and have executive processing problems have different (lowered) brain activity in the pre-frontal cortex.

No-one knows why some people are more affected by trauma than others (in adults as well as children) and it's very dismissive to say @well I wasn;t affected so he can't be". I have no idea if there is a brain development issue stemming for childhood issues in your DH but then presumably no-one else on this thread does either. From your description, he does show the signs of it.

The more important thing is not whether he has control over his strops but whether he and/or you are prepared to do anything about it, so if he is not prepared to do anything about it then how bad is it from your perspective, because you can't make him change.

If he does have EPD then there's no evidence that it escalates. As someone mentioned above CBT and Mindfulness training are both helpful with EPD as are playing music and organised sport.

Kewcumber · 11/02/2016 10:31

Which is kind of a long winded version of what Trills said!

Move2WY · 11/02/2016 10:44

Someone I managed st work used to behave like this. He couldn't see the problem in his behaviour. I knew his gf well and he always did it to her too.

He may have apologised but no one had any respect for him. He was a strange man.

ovenchips · 11/02/2016 12:59

Excellent post Kewcumber

SpoiltMardyCow · 11/02/2016 14:00

I saw something like this on TV and the person exhibiting the behaviour was told that he was unconsciously trying to push people away from him because he's scared of losing them.

Notgivingin789 · 11/02/2016 18:17

Urgh! DS dad (ex) did this! It is so humiliating! He did this all the time! whenever we went out to public places. I was on constant edge incase I did something to upset him, he will say things like " why are you walking behind me?! I don't like it when people walk behind me?".
Or "you don't know how to speak to shop keepers properly! You always stutter".

The worst scene was when he
thought I cheated on him...., I wasn't, he stumbled on a "guys" name on my phone- it was actually a girl- and he shouted at me to the rooftops, didn't give a fuck who was listening, I was trying to explain to him that it was my friend- who is a girl- but couldn't get a word in edge ways.

Whenever I tried to walk away from him after he humiliates me in public, he would follow me, shouting all sorts of abuse.

Trills · 11/02/2016 19:23

KewcumberI think you said lots of things that I didn't say! :)

Kewcumber · 11/02/2016 20:15

"you don't know how to speak to shop keepers properly! You always stutter". thats not executive processing problems which means you are unable (or less able) to control your emotions or behave with a right intensity of emotion given the situation - he was just belittling you.

MazzleDazzle · 11/02/2016 21:18

Yup, my DH's counsellor said the same SpoiltMardyCow.

I'm interested in what Kewcumber has said. If you don't mind me asking, how premature was your son? My DD was premature and I've only now found out about sensory processing issues. I've never heard of executive processing problems. She is very similar in behaviour to her dad. I'm wondering to what extent she has been affected by her birth/inherited dad's nature/influenced by his behaviour. Apologies for hyjacking the thread!

Kewcumber · 11/02/2016 22:15

he was a 26 week 980 gr premmie, but his issues are exacerbated quite significantly because he was in an institution for a year after birth, institutionalisation and prematurity are both indicators for EPD I believe.

I'm not sure you will ever know how much is inherited, influenced or outside factors. If it's executive processing it won;t matter - the appraoch is the same - build new neural pathways in the brain and try to get them strong and coated with myelin (apologies if I have any of the spelling wonrg) - the main way to do this is modelling good responses, positive reinforcement and natural consequences of the "wrong" way to react. So not reward and punishment exactly but "If you continue to use that tone with me I will leave because I don't want to deal with someone being nasty to me" and then you leave.

In DS's case if you catch him in the very early stages and say something like that he can often turn it around, if you let it go then he loses any ability to do anything about it. He finds it hard to recognise when he's responding inappropriately, he needs help to do it and needs help modelling what a "normal" response would be.

Kewcumber · 11/02/2016 22:30

mazzle you might find this helpful to think about whether you recognise your child in this...

www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/executive-functioning-issues/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-child-with-executive-functioning-issues

MazzleDazzle · 12/02/2016 21:57

Thank you for those links Kew.

joeythenutter · 13/02/2016 09:48

Just thought I would add my thoughts. I have an SO who is just like this and after years of counselling he finally admitted he does it as he loves the attention from other people. It can be abusive or just be really loud in public. It has gotten a lot better over the last few years, that now if I see it starting at all I just give him the stare and it stops. It got to the point were I was leaving him for good and talking through why he was doing it with others in a group made him realise a bit what he was doing. I also just say to him in public if it starts, 'you're being a prat again' out loud, usually is enough for him to stop.

mummymafia · 13/02/2016 09:59

Sounds to me that he has psychopathic tendencies I'm afraid. The longer you put up with it the worse it will get & he won't change. http://personality-testing.info/tests/LSRP.php
Look psychopathy up on the net. They are not all mass murderers. My dad was one (psychopath not murderer!) & they can choose how to behave and you can choose how to react to it. Sorry to be so blunt. good luck. Get some professional help to help you make some decisions. Xxx

Choughed · 13/02/2016 10:07

*Kewcumber
*
No-one knows why some people are more affected by trauma than others (in adults as well as children) and it's very dismissive to say "well I wasn't affected so he can't be".

Actually there is evidence that genetic make up plays a part, some people are more resilient. They've identified the gene. It's why two people, going through the same trauma, will react/be affected differently. So it's not about "choosing" to be damaged.

Also, even if you have a neglected or abusive childhood, if someone - an uncle or a teacher or a sports coach - shows an interest in you that makes a huge difference. And in a neglectful family it could be that only one sibling gets that advantage.

Choughed · 13/02/2016 10:11

Sorry, meant to paste a link:

https://bbrfoundation.org/brain-matters-discoveries/identifying-genetics-that-support-resilience-or-vulnerability-to-ptsd-may

OP - I'm very sorry for your situation. Protect yourself first and foremost.

MistressDeeCee · 14/02/2016 22:47

Not RTFT but read the opening post. Your man is a show-off attention seeker. He likes that you are belittled in other's hearing, loves an audience to your shame. People likely think he's a prick. I wouldn't even delve into all the whys and wherefores, decent people do NOT treat others like this

I hope you leave him and that you have a peaceful life without someone who could behave in such obnoxious fashion, particularly to his lifepartner. There is no excuse for it

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