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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just told my husband I was going to kill him

192 replies

Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 09:49

Ok, I feel like I'm going mad and I have nobody to talk to or turn to. I just feel like I am losing it, I have lost the person that I used to be. I just had an argument with my ex husband, and got so mad that I took out a knife and threatened that I would kill him. I know that I wouldn't go through with it, but I still did this in front of my 15 month old daughter. What is wrong with me??

This is part of a long story, but Jan 2013, after a miscarriage I was pregnant with my daughter. A month later my ex husband told me he was unhappy and wanted a separation. I was completely devastated. He had met another woman at work, somebody he became very good friends with, an emotional affair I would say. Anyway, he would go on about how she had changed him, made him feel good about himself, bought out his confidence. Stuff that I didn't do. Obviously it killed my confidence, and ever since. We have lived together past couple of months after being separated, the reason being I can't cope with the kids by myself. Where we are there is no family that can help, I want to move near my parents, but he doesn't want to and I've done as he wanted as I have wanted to desperately hold onto the marriage. This other woman, he has constantly been in contact with, seeing her regularly. And yes, it makes me feel like shit.

He went out to the theatre with her last night, and I wasn't feeling well. I asked him if he was coming back early as I wanted help with the kids. He thought I was bullshiting, the truth is I was feeling crap, but unhappy about him being with her too. We when he came back, I got loads of crap, making me feel guilty. And then this morning it turned into this horrible argument with me welding a knife and threatening to kill him. What has happened to me??

I feel so alone. 3 years ago, I was happy. I was a different person.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/01/2016 09:54

You need to leave this relationship. Right now. Go home to your parents and get help and support urgently.

Daenerys2 · 23/01/2016 09:57

He is being extremely cruel to you - no wonder you have snapped. I think you need to be living apart, with him sharing responsibility for the children. You are living in very difficult circumstances and it is destroying you. I really feel for you, it must be a living hell.

PennyHasNoSurname · 23/01/2016 09:57

If a man pulled a knife on a woman with a child in the room she would be advised to take the child and leave and stay away to keep themselves safe.

I would advise him to do the same.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/01/2016 09:59

How is your mental state? You mention not being able to cope with the children alone. You sound as though you are struggling at the moment and very fragile - can you get to a GP to talk about what's going on for you?

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 23/01/2016 09:59

So you're living with him whilst he's out with the OW.Shock

Of course it's utterly wrong to threaten to kill him regardless of the crap he's pulled but I'm guessing you know that which is why you posted.

You need to get out of the relationship and back to your parents and rebuild your life and confidence. He's treating you very badly and you have enough to cope with.

Sunbeam1112 · 23/01/2016 10:01

Regards of the situation you should never use a weapon. I would book with a gp sounds like your depressed and i would move closer to yor parents and set up access with your ex

SleepyForest · 23/01/2016 10:04

If it had happened the other way round would you leave him in sole care of a baby?

Get help fast. You need medical help asap. Maybe even go to a&e if the gp can't see you today. It sounds terrible and distressing.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 23/01/2016 10:04

I agree Penny, I'd have ran far and fast with the child then contacted the police and social services.

Being a woman or man makes no difference.

Adeleslostbeehive · 23/01/2016 10:07

You have snapped because he is being intolerably cruel. Humans are not made to be able to deal with this without reaction. You stayed because you wanted him to come back but maybe now is the time to think about why you would want such an utter cunt back.

He should leave. Why won't he?

Branleuse · 23/01/2016 10:07

Hes taunting you and being incredibly cruel and abusive. And I would say the same if the sexes were reversed too. Im not surprised you snapped. He is driving you insane. Take this as a big scary warning what he is doing to your head. Please get out.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 23/01/2016 10:08

If a man pulled a knife on a woman with a child in the room she would be advised to take the child and leave and stay away to keep themselves safe.

I would advise him to do the same.

I agree.

You need to leave by yourself and get help.

Gobbolino6 · 23/01/2016 10:08

I'm not surprised you are at breaking point.

This man has shown you that he cannot give you the support you want from him. I have been in the position where I felt I couldn't cope with the kids. What you need in this case, even with a committed partner, is real outside help from the GP, children's centre etc, it's not sustainable and, believe me, you can learn to cope and be happy.

You need to be in a separate home from this man. If you can, I'd ask him to move out and then maybe go stay with family with the DC for a bit, see your GP, maybe see a solicitor with your family's support, and take some time to think about where it is desirable and feasible for you to live.

Adeleslostbeehive · 23/01/2016 10:08

A&e? What would she go to A&e for? She doesn't need medical help, she needs to calm down and get out the relationship

ILikeUranus · 23/01/2016 10:09

Please see your GP. You know there's something wrong; this is actually a common time for PND to be diagnosed. Lots of women don't realise they have it for a long time. It's a horrendous situation to cope with even if you are well, let alone with PND. See your GP and get some help with that. When you feel stronger, tell your ex to sling his hook.

Bubblesinthesummer · 23/01/2016 10:10

You should go alone and get help now.

It not ok to threaten someone with a knife.

If a man did this MN would be up in arms.

They certainly wouldn't be saying leave with the DC.

flippinada · 23/01/2016 10:10

Babs many years ago, I was in exactly the same position as you. I get it. You have been subject to intense pressure and have snapped - which is not good at all, but you know that.

I do think you need to get some RL support and out of this horribly toxic situation as a matter of urgency.

You're saying you can't cope with the kids, but what about if all this pressure and awfulness wasn't there.

Would your family come and help, if they knew what was happening? What about friends?

NerrSnerr · 23/01/2016 10:11

I agree with the pp. You need to leave by yourself to get your head together. Leave the baby with him and go and stay with someone to get your head together and get help next week. You cannot be in a place where you a waving a knife around in the same room as a 15 month old. I cannot happen.

Funinthesun15 · 23/01/2016 10:13

Complete double standards here.

If a man had threatened his wife with a knife would you really be saying to him leave your wife and take the DC with you? No people wouldn't.

OP you need to go and get help. It isn't acceptable and certainly can't continue down this path.

Adeleslostbeehive · 23/01/2016 10:15

No double standards from me, a man could also snap and do this also in the face of intolerable cruelty.

PurpleDaisies · 23/01/2016 10:15

You sound like you're in a really bad place and I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

As others have said, you need to get help to sort out your mental state. Is there anyone you can stay with for a little while? Leave your daughter with your ex (assuming that although he's been a shit to you he's a good dad to her) and have a rest. Then see your gp as soon as possible and tell them how you've been feeling.

Original poster
Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 10:15

Yes, I am devastated with myself. l just don't know who I am anymore. And if it had happened to a friend, in that it was her husband. I would tell her to leave him straight away. He has taken the kids, I think for the weekend. And I'm going to my parents on Monday. You must understand and believe me, that I have never considered and would never hurt my children. They are my life. I am so ashamed that I did this in front of my daughter. I have been suffering with pre natal and post natal depression for 2years. I've gone to the GP, and have recently been referred for cbt. For so long I've been in denial about my mental health. Telling myself I can get through this by myself, that my living situation is the best thing for my kids, that it can work out amicably with my ex. I feel so shit about myself and am constantly comparing myself to this other woman. I have nobody to talk to about how I really feel. Everybody I know and meet just sees this happy person, who's getting on with it. Ive moved to a new area, because of my ex, and haven't established close friends. I can't even talk to my family about it as they are so emotionally closed.

How did I get to this place?? 3 years ago, I was happy, I was fit, juggling work and my son, I had friends, I was confident. Where did that go. I feel like my life has been wasted the past two years, obsessing over my ex and his this other woman.

Thanks for the responses btw

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 23/01/2016 10:17

He's your ex or your husband?

Agree - you need to leave right now. Take the kid, go back to your mums. Start divorce proceedings if you're not divorced. You must be under a huge strain - your h going out with the OW under your nose? WTF?? - and your h is being cruel and abusive, but you shouldn't have threatened him - and you obviously know it.

Gobbolino6 · 23/01/2016 10:17

Ah big hugs. I had depression for years. It's awful but it can get better. You need to accept help xxx

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/01/2016 10:18

You need to get away from each other right away and stay away. Are you still living together? If you can't manage both kids on your own should you consider 50/50 care?

Oakmaiden · 23/01/2016 10:19

They certainly wouldn't be saying leave with the DC.

Thing sis, I can't see a single poster who has said that. They have all said leave and go to your parents/GP/A&E. Not take your child and go. The only person who has mentioned taking the children also advised going to her parents where persumably they would help.

It does look like her partner isn't too concerned about the child's welfare either, though, or he wouldn't be off gallivanting with OW whilst his wife slowly unravels at home...

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