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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just told my husband I was going to kill him

192 replies

Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 09:49

Ok, I feel like I'm going mad and I have nobody to talk to or turn to. I just feel like I am losing it, I have lost the person that I used to be. I just had an argument with my ex husband, and got so mad that I took out a knife and threatened that I would kill him. I know that I wouldn't go through with it, but I still did this in front of my 15 month old daughter. What is wrong with me??

This is part of a long story, but Jan 2013, after a miscarriage I was pregnant with my daughter. A month later my ex husband told me he was unhappy and wanted a separation. I was completely devastated. He had met another woman at work, somebody he became very good friends with, an emotional affair I would say. Anyway, he would go on about how she had changed him, made him feel good about himself, bought out his confidence. Stuff that I didn't do. Obviously it killed my confidence, and ever since. We have lived together past couple of months after being separated, the reason being I can't cope with the kids by myself. Where we are there is no family that can help, I want to move near my parents, but he doesn't want to and I've done as he wanted as I have wanted to desperately hold onto the marriage. This other woman, he has constantly been in contact with, seeing her regularly. And yes, it makes me feel like shit.

He went out to the theatre with her last night, and I wasn't feeling well. I asked him if he was coming back early as I wanted help with the kids. He thought I was bullshiting, the truth is I was feeling crap, but unhappy about him being with her too. We when he came back, I got loads of crap, making me feel guilty. And then this morning it turned into this horrible argument with me welding a knife and threatening to kill him. What has happened to me??

I feel so alone. 3 years ago, I was happy. I was a different person.

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 23/01/2016 10:21

I actually disagree that you should take the DC. You say you wouldn't hurt them, but you threatened to kill their father with a knife in front of them. They will have heard that.

You say you can't cope with your DC.

You threatened your ex with a knife. He could easily have reported you to the police.

You need to seek help for your MH

flippinada · 23/01/2016 10:22

Babs - many years ago, I was in your position. I was living with my ex who was seeing OW. It was a horrendous situation and I'm not surprised it's had such a terrible impact on your mental health.

Glad to hear you're going to stay with your parents. Will they be supportive?

What are you planning over the next couple of days?

PennyHasNoSurname · 23/01/2016 10:22

I really do not understand why people are saying the OP is facing cruelty at the hands of her ex?

They are no longer in a relationship, so cohabit as she needs support with the DCs. They are not a couple. He is dating someone. On his late date, she made him come home early as she needed help with the dcs.

He really is not being cruel. Cruel.

Again, if this were the other way around?

"Ex dh and I still share a house but are separated. He cant cope with the kids on his own so this sort of works for us. I am dating again, and last night I was on a date and ex insisted I come home as he couldnt cope with the dcs"

In my example above, the EX dh would be seen as the bad guy here and she would never in a month of su days be referred to as "cruel"

Adeleslostbeehive · 23/01/2016 10:24

He had an affair whilst she was pregnant. He won't agree to OP moving to her parents. He knows OP wants him back. He should've left.

Branleuse · 23/01/2016 10:25

Take the children. Take them away from the cruel man.

What you did was a moment of madness. You snapped. You threatened him, but you didnt harm him. Please get this into perspective. What he has done has been sustained cruelty with complete disregard for you. removing your personhood, breaking your mind. He has been abusive to you and you eventually snapped. Him and his lover have been mocking you, and whilst you snapped, you didnt hurt anybody. Dont ever forget that

Nottodaythankyouorever · 23/01/2016 10:25

He could easily have called the police.

You pulled a knife out on their father and threatened to kill them in front of them.

To say that is not acceptable is an understatement.

You can't minimise what you did just excuse you know it was wrong.

If he has taken the DC for the weekend I suggest you go to your parents and talk through what to do about your MH.

If he had called the police you could be in a whole heap of trouble.

Original poster
Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 10:26

I'm just so relieved my son wasn't there. Maybe I just need to accept I have major issues. I have had bouts of depression in the past, but nothing like this and for so long. I just thought we had a great relationship. He makes me feel guilty for feeling resentful towards his relationship with this other woman. Maybe I am just holding onto it and need to let go. But it's so difficult and confusing because we live together and he implies that there could be a future if I let him have his own life. He is not sleeping with this woman, but there is a deep emotional connection.

What was really hard, is that when I was pregnant, he completely rejected me. I felt like a failure when I was upset because he didn't want me and he was spending time with this other woman. She has a baby, a bit younger than my daughter. And he was so attentive to her and praises himself for giving her good advice and being there for her. I got the opposite. It's something I can't forget or forgive

OP posts:
Nottodaythankyouorever · 23/01/2016 10:26

*you can't minimise what you did or excuse it because you know it is wrong.

PurpleDaisies · 23/01/2016 10:27

The living situation is absolutely toxic and that will need to be addressed. You say you can cope on your own with the children-have you got any family or friends nearby who would be willing to help?

It won't be like this forever. If you get help with your mental state (let your ex the main responsibility for the kids now while you're doing this) you can reevaluate the arrangements when you're feeling better.

Original poster
Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 10:30

Look, what I did is inexcusable and unforgivable. I know that. I have no excuse for what happened. I am scared because it felt like I had no control and I snapped. I just feel so sick. I love my kids and I still love him so much. I just wanted a happy family.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 23/01/2016 10:31

He is not sleeping with this woman

I bet he bloody is. I wonder whose baby it is?

Branleuse · 23/01/2016 10:33

YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING. You threatened. Thats all. Youve been living in an absolutely untenable, toxic, miserable situation for way too long because hes been giving you drips and drabs and half promises of working things out, while flaunting his girlfriend under your nose. You are worn out and worn down. You threatened, but you didnt even touch him. This is a wake up call. Stop beating yourself up. You are NOT the abuser here

Branleuse · 23/01/2016 10:34

Please other mumsnetters, stop making the OP feel like shes dangerous or something. She isnt.

flippinada · 23/01/2016 10:36

Babs I think it's cvery clear that you aren't minimising or trying to make excuses. You really do need to be out of that situation as soon as possible.

I also think you need to get some immediate support. You've mentioned your parents. Have you spoken to them? Do they know what's going on? Any friends you could call? I know if one of my friends was in your position I'd drop everything to help, even if I hadn't seen or spoken to them in a while.

PurpleDaisies · 23/01/2016 10:36

Please other mumsnetters, stop making the OP feel like shes dangerous or something. She isn't

Bran can you honestly say that if a woman came on here saying her ex husband had threatened her with a knife that would all be fine and dandy?

The op needs help.

Original poster
Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 10:36

He isn't cruel, he was unhappy with the marriage. Which is fine. It's the way he feels about me that is so hard and that he dotes on his friend so much. Unfortunately I have no family or friends to help, I will be going to my parents with my daughter as I'm still breastfeeding her.

I should be judged harshly for what I did. It was horrible and unacceptable. I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
Nottodaythankyouorever · 23/01/2016 10:36

I just wanted a happy family.

We all do. I wanted that too. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that.

Then you need as Purple has said to get help with your MH and whilst that is happening your DH needs to have the DC.

I'll step away from the thread now as maybe I'm not the right person to help you as I was threatened by a knife by my ex in front of my DC when they were not much older than yours.

I wish you all the best.

Please get that help.

Lweji · 23/01/2016 10:36

He can have still gone to the police to report you.
Personally, I'd be filing for a no contact order and wouldn't allow unsupervised contact.
You may not like to hear it, but that is what I did with exH and there were no knives involved.

You cannot know what you'd do or what would happen.

I hope you get professional help very soon.

At the same time you must stop all contact with your ex/husband and start to let go.
Find someone to mediate contact, even if from his family.
Regarding the children, you should give yourself some time to heal yourself and take baby steps. You are clearly not in a good place at the moment and need to focus on getting better first.

flippinada · 23/01/2016 10:38

Agree Branleuse.

Babs sorry if it seems like I'm firing questions at you. I mentioned above that I was in your siituation many years ago. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like (no pressure if you don't want to).

ricketytickety · 23/01/2016 10:38

Yes you snapped. But this nasty, abusive, controlling man has battered your mental being. Stay with your parents. Find your own place to live. Once you are over the shock and feel more steady, have your children stay with you. Think about it: you ask why you are like this, you were fine before - his mental abuse is why you are like this. Don't ever go back to him.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 23/01/2016 10:39

Please other mumsnetters, stop making the OP feel like shes dangerous or something. She isnt.

Not saying she is. Her actions were.

Unless you know the OP how do you know one way or the other?

really am leaving the thread now

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 23/01/2016 10:40

Oh FGS would all the "if a man did this" posters please pipe down!

OP knows she did wrong which is why she's on here asking for help before it goes any further into actual physical violence, which let's not forget, actually kills 2 women a week.

OP just get out, the situation you've been in would test the patience of a saint. You need to remove yourself before you go further and get some counselling.

Original poster
Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 10:40

Please understand, this is not in my character. I'm not a horrible or violent person. I came on here because I haven't got anybody to talk to and this has been the final straw. I can't understand why I snapped like that. Like I had no control.

OP posts:
Bubblesinthesummer · 23/01/2016 10:42

I can't understand why I snapped like that. Like I had no control

That is what is dangerous and why you need help.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 23/01/2016 10:42

Bran, she threatened to kill him with a knife in her hands in front of a child.

Making excuses as she's female doesn't help. Of course it's abuse even if she didn't go through with it.

If he hasn't already called the police, SS etc taking the baby may spur him into it. The children need to be safe so I hope for their sake he does and fast.

Can you imagine the replies if he had threatened her with a knife and then took the children?