I've just told my husband I was going to kill him

[Babs2016]

Ok, I feel like I'm going mad and I have nobody to talk to or turn to. I just feel like I am losing it, I have lost the person that I used to be. I just had an argument with my ex husband, and got so mad that I took out a knife and threatened that I would kill him. I know that I wouldn't go through with it, but I still did this in front of my 15 month old daughter. What is wrong with me??

This is part of a long story, but Jan 2013, after a miscarriage I was pregnant with my daughter. A month later my ex husband told me he was unhappy and wanted a separation. I was completely devastated. He had met another woman at work, somebody he became very good friends with, an emotional affair I would say. Anyway, he would go on about how she had changed him, made him feel good about himself, bought out his confidence. Stuff that I didn't do. Obviously it killed my confidence, and ever since. We have lived together past couple of months after being separated, the reason being I can't cope with the kids by myself. Where we are there is no family that can help, I want to move near my parents, but he doesn't want to and I've done as he wanted as I have wanted to desperately hold onto the marriage. This other woman, he has constantly been in contact with, seeing her regularly. And yes, it makes me feel like shit.

He went out to the theatre with her last night, and I wasn't feeling well. I asked him if he was coming back early as I wanted help with the kids. He thought I was bullshiting, the truth is I was feeling crap, but unhappy about him being with her too. We when he came back, I got loads of crap, making me feel guilty. And then this morning it turned into this horrible argument with me welding a knife and threatening to kill him. What has happened to me??

I feel so alone. 3 years ago, I was happy. I was a different person.

I know that ffs, I have posted before that it was unacceptable and I deeply regret it. Do you think being away from my children is going to make me feel better. I lost it and it was awful. I broke the guitar two years ago, because my marriage had crumbled and I lashed out. I lashed out and know I need help. It doesn't mean I am a bad person.

My daughter does need because she asks to be breast fed and I have tried to wean her off to very little success. It made her incredibly upset. I think I know my daughter better than yourself.

Yeah you're right about dependency and control issues. Stuff I haven't dealt with etc. Unfortunately that's what depression does to you

I was going to say the same as Autumn - you need to prepare yourself that SS may get involved now. You say you won't hurt your children but I imagine that before this happened you didn't think you would threaten to kill your ex with a knife in front of your children. And witnessing DV is damaging even to children as young as your daughter.

I need it because it calms me down and makes me feel close to my daughter and good that I am still nourishing her. Something that makes me feel good about myself.

I lost it and smashed his guitar against the wall. Who wouldn't in that situation?
I'm sorry to tell you, OP, but most people wouldn't. Most people would never do such a thing - and definitely not for the reason you did it.

Ok, they'll get involved. I should be prepared as I bought it upon myself. I've never done anything like this before. I'm actively going to seek help.

It's not about you, it's about them. If you truly care about them you will leave them in safety with their other parent whilst you seek professional help for your anger, health and dependency issues.

I'm sorry but a good person doesn't threaten to take someone's life whilst holding a knife in the presence of children. It's a truly abusive act.

There is a problem there. You shouldn't be calmed down by breastfeeding and there are lots of things that can make you feel close to her.

By all means continue to breastfeed. It's great. I had to stop at 13 months and would happily have continued.

I'm just concerned that you find it a necessity and, perhaps, use it as a control tool? (please don't take that as accusatory, but for you to reflect on)

I came here for support because I have no one. I can't and won't excuse what I have done. I know I have issues with anger but I am not a bad person. I am struggling with major changes in my life and PND.

I don't think you're a bad person but I agree with pp, this isn't about you anymore. You need to get away and sort your head until you're in the place where this won't happen and then gradually increase contact with the children.

This has happened twice now, what happens if you murder him next time in front of your children?

I know that it's about them. I'm not selfish. But if I'm away from them, it will also be upsetting for them. The same reason I can't have them be apart from my ex. They need us both. No control with breastfeeding my daughter, I had just planned to bf till she was two and she is happy with it too.

I don't think it's a matter of being a bad or good person. But certainly bad acts.
And there is something in you and how you handle stress that makes you react in this way. You do need to address that (as you are beginning to)..

Crucially, while addressing it, you do need to make sure your children are safe (even from watching your aggression and perhaps your breakdowns), your ex is safe, and ultimately that you too are safe. The knife episode could have led to him acting in self defence and you getting hurt or even killed instead.

When was the first time it happened?

Yes, you are completely right. Losing it in front of them is unacceptable. That is something I have deal with definitely. My mum took a lot of anger out on me and that has had a lasting affect. I cannot let that happen with them. But you must understand, I have tried for so long to be happy for them. They havent seem me in this state before. The guitar incident, I was alone and wanted to make ex unhappy

Better to have them upset and missing mum whilst she gets well and dad being there (the younger one won't likely notice much given their age) then for them to be forcibly removed from your care by SS. Or worse, the next time you snap could have horrendous consequences.

Children are adaptable, they would be fine with dad. When the split between households happens then so would time part from both naturally occur anyway.

Don't leave your children OP. FGS, ignore these posters telling you to do so. Make arrangements for them to move with you - and engage the help and support of your parents. Get away from your ex.

AutumnLeavesArePretty
My children would be affected, especially my 15 month old as we are very close. Obs you know better than I do. Maybe MH is not an area you should go into.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree

Thanks xx

I need to leave this thread now, so won't be posting again. Thank you for your support and advice xx

The OP doesn't necessarily have to completely leave her children, but it will be healthier for them to spend time with their dad, not at home, or at least not at the same time with their mother.

So, regardless, you will have to let your children go. It could be one day a week or 6 days a week, but you will have to be without them for periods of time.

Making sure your children are safe could simply entail not being in contact with ex at all. Or it could mean living away from them. You should assess it with your therapist.
Sadly, your choice may be taken away from you if there is a report or your ex is concerned. So, I'd start working on preparing them and myself for living periods of time apart.

this thread is disgusting - there are posters trying to bully a depressed and vulnerable woman into relinquishing her children and telling her to stop breastfeeding and that she's abnormal for finding it calming. ffs.

please yes for your own sake leave and hide this thread OP.

and no social services are not coming for you to take your children away. god people are hideous sometimes.

It depends on whether the husband reports it or files for a legal order based on what happened.

Erm, bullying? Maybe you should care to actually read the posts.

yes bullying. Bloody disgusting.

Hang draw and quarter a woman that finally snaps and THREATENS her abusive husband after being worn to the ground and him flaunting his mistress in her face. She already hates herself enough.

This is a wake-up call that it cannot go on, that she needs to get out.
It does NOT mean she is abusive or dangerous or should leave her children

Her husband must be fucking laughing. Some of you lot are as bad as he is.Evil

I don't think the H will be in any hurry to report this, somehow.

OP clearly recognises this was wrong (and says so) and is taking steps to deal with it. Snapping after sustained and intense provocation doesn't mean she's a danger to others or in need of anger management. I agree that what happened is awful and frightening and I'm not making excuses here - but having been subject to that kind of mental torture and sustained pressure myself, I can understand why someone might snap, especially on top of existing mental health issues.

Babs if you're still reading, if you do just one thing, please get some real life help today. This is not something that can be swept under a rug, it's too big to tackle on your own.