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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just told my husband I was going to kill him

192 replies

Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 09:49

Ok, I feel like I'm going mad and I have nobody to talk to or turn to. I just feel like I am losing it, I have lost the person that I used to be. I just had an argument with my ex husband, and got so mad that I took out a knife and threatened that I would kill him. I know that I wouldn't go through with it, but I still did this in front of my 15 month old daughter. What is wrong with me??

This is part of a long story, but Jan 2013, after a miscarriage I was pregnant with my daughter. A month later my ex husband told me he was unhappy and wanted a separation. I was completely devastated. He had met another woman at work, somebody he became very good friends with, an emotional affair I would say. Anyway, he would go on about how she had changed him, made him feel good about himself, bought out his confidence. Stuff that I didn't do. Obviously it killed my confidence, and ever since. We have lived together past couple of months after being separated, the reason being I can't cope with the kids by myself. Where we are there is no family that can help, I want to move near my parents, but he doesn't want to and I've done as he wanted as I have wanted to desperately hold onto the marriage. This other woman, he has constantly been in contact with, seeing her regularly. And yes, it makes me feel like shit.

He went out to the theatre with her last night, and I wasn't feeling well. I asked him if he was coming back early as I wanted help with the kids. He thought I was bullshiting, the truth is I was feeling crap, but unhappy about him being with her too. We when he came back, I got loads of crap, making me feel guilty. And then this morning it turned into this horrible argument with me welding a knife and threatening to kill him. What has happened to me??

I feel so alone. 3 years ago, I was happy. I was a different person.

OP posts:
bakeoffcake · 23/01/2016 10:58

I don't agree with all the posts saying "if this was a man, we'd be saying call the police".

If it had been a man whose wife was sleeping with OM and still living with her H, flaunting the affair and still controlling her H's life, we would all be saying "take the children and leave now".

Original poster
Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 11:00

Yeah, the situation is unacceptable for my kids, completely and utterly. It's awful for my ex husband too.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 23/01/2016 11:00

If it had been a man whose wife was sleeping with OM and still living with her H, flaunting the affair and still controlling her H's life, we would all be saying "take the children and leave now".

The op doesn't want a debate on men vs women domestic violence and it'll derail the thread.

Every single poster is telling the op to get out of this relationship.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2016 11:00

Are you hanging on because you think he hasn't slept with her ?

Even if he hasn't, there are many more ways to hurt, humiliate and betray someone than sticking your penis inside another woman

He lost his right to live full time with his dc when he brought a 3rd person into your marriage.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 23/01/2016 11:00

Babs you did a bad thing and you're clearly in a very bad place, but you acknowledge and recognize that and are getting some help.
When you say you snapped and had no self control, is that the first time you've felt like it or has it happened to some degree beforehand?
What is it about looking after your DCs that makes you feel you can't cope and you need your H to be there with you?
Are there any issues specifically with one or both of them, or is it just a general feeling of not coping? Maybe you are perfectly able to cope if you weren't holding out hope that living under the same roof and coparenting is keeping this man close to you.

You say everyone who meets you sees a happy person getting on with life, so you're hiding behind a facade.

Personally I wouldn't accept H's behaviour, his attitude towards me, or hold out any hope that there was a relationship between us, certainly not a worthwhile or beneficial one as a couple.

It would be interesting to know if your depression and anxieties, or whatever you're suffering at the moment, would be alleviated if you were out of the home situation and moved on from thinking you have a future with this man.

In order to keep control do you need to make your own plans for your own best interests with your children and then H must fit his life around those plans, not the other way around? He is currently controlling the situation and living like this means that's how it will be.

flippinada · 23/01/2016 11:01

At the moment, whether he's sleeping with her or not doesn't matter in terms of the impact on you, and your DC.

The thing to focus on is looking after yourself, getting out of the situation you are in and start taking back control of your life. Going to your parents is the first step.

Keep talking here as long as it helps.

ricketytickety · 23/01/2016 11:02

Stop thinking about his needs or how he feels. He can worry about what a fine mess his behaviour has got himself in. Put yourself and your dc first.

Adeleslostbeehive · 23/01/2016 11:03

Can we stop saying he could go to the police like it means something? Yes he could. oP can deal with that if and when it happens. There is no point just telling her what he could do.

Happyinthehills · 23/01/2016 11:04

Babs you said you had no control.

I believe that but do you?

If you occasionally lose control then you can't guarantee what you will do in the future.

TendonQueen · 23/01/2016 11:04

Whether or not he's technically having sex with this other woman is less important than the fact that it is an affair, he is cheating on you. You've been pushed to the limit but for your own sanity, you must regard the marriage as over now and get right away from him and this living arrangement. Go to your parents now with your DD. Whose name(s) is the house in?

He's been very unfair to you. You've had a terrible moment of loss of control today but you can get over that if you start acting sensibly now.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 23/01/2016 11:08

I don't he's been very unfair or is abusive.

The OP quite clearly says he asked for a separation and ended the relationship but that she asked him to move back in to help with the children as she can't cope alone with them. She also thought she might tempt him back this way.

He is stepping up and helping with the children as he was asked.

Excusing the OP and blaming it all on him when he was the one on the wrong end of the knife is frankly dangerous.

ricketytickety · 23/01/2016 11:09

Regarding your ability to parent and your control - you have excercised huge control by not totally losing your mind. In your situation I would have totally crumbled. I think you are actually very strong. Who copes with another woman in their marriage like you? Don't be embarassed about how you have put up with it. I would say you have been extremely tolerant and somehow managed to keep going.

I wonder if it is him who has questioned your parenting ability in order to control you further and not leave him. I wonder if you still do all the chores around the house that he doesn't want to do himself.

Original poster
Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 11:10

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard
I have snapped before, in that I have shouted at him and started crying and actually when I was pregnant and away at my parents for a few weeks, he met his friend and they shared a kiss. He told me when I got back. I lost it, and broke his beloved guitar. I feel like I need support with the kids, I've been on my own with them before and I really struggled. But then this could be because of depression and anxiety. When I'm away from, I feel better but then I just bury my feelings. I know I'm at fault with the relationship too.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 23/01/2016 11:11

Don't you Autumn. I think he's behaving like a cunt.

waving a knife at him is wrong but the emotional cruelty he's inflicting is also wrong.

ricketytickety · 23/01/2016 11:11

No, he gave her hope that the marriage would still work and came back knowing full well he would carry on with his ow. He's winding her up and watching her go. Abusive.

LittleBearPad · 23/01/2016 11:13

he met his friend and they shared a kiss. He told me when I got back

Why did he feel the need to tell you this? What purpose did it serve other than to make you feel like shit.

flippinada · 23/01/2016 11:13

He's a real piece of work, isn't he.

And let me guess, you've been at home looking after your children (the ones you think you can't cope with) while he's been out with this woman?

flippinada · 23/01/2016 11:14

I think he's being incredibly cruel, and it sounds quite deliberate too.

ricketytickety · 23/01/2016 11:15

Totally normal behaviour. You shouted and cried because he cheated on you whilst you were in your most vulnerable state (pregnant).

I would agree. Anxiety caused by his cheating and emotional abuse. That leads to depression and feelings of not coping. All totally normal reactions to the strain your mind is under.

CozyLinusBlanket · 23/01/2016 11:16

I'm not surprised that you snapped, the situation sounds intolerable. And I'm not going to put the boot in, you are under extreme stress and you know that you were wrong.

I also don't agree that he hasn't been abusive. Praising the OW to the skies to the woman who is still in love with him is emotional abuse. And while we're doing the old 'if the genders were reversed' chestnut, men sometimes still literally get away with murder under less trying circumstances.

But you know that the current situation isn't working OP. So you need to sit down with him and work out something new. Could he take full residence while you live with your parents and pursue counselling? Then perhaps you could look at 50/50 shared care to take the pressure off?

Original poster
Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 11:16

BTW, I didn't think I could tempt him back into the relationship. Where we are currently living is where he wanted because of friends etc. I knew I had to be near my family as a single parent, for support. I did it for him. The only reason I asked him to move on is because I have nobody else. I just wanted to make him happy, because apparently for our entire relationship, I have made him unhappy.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 23/01/2016 11:16

At your parents, whilst your mind heals from the wounds he has caused, can your parents support you with child care? Just to give you that knowledge that someone else is there to hold you hand as you go through this.

Original poster
Babs2016 · 23/01/2016 11:17

move in

OP posts:
Gobbolino6 · 23/01/2016 11:19

Given the posts, I think we could be here all day arguing back and forth about exactly what is going on and whether the OP's ex is cruel or just trying to help out by misguidedly moving back in.

What is clear is that both OP and her ex are understandably out of their depth, that the relationship is over, that they need to stop living together immediately and that OP needs external support from family and healthcare professionals.

It sounds like this is in hand.

Much love to you OP, take this one step at a time. I have been in a similar position with young kids and it was horrendous. I now have a normal, happy, healthy life. You will get through this x

ricketytickety · 23/01/2016 11:21

Actually, you must have made him happy because why is he still living with you? You're not to blame for his behaviour. Telling you you are shit is part of his way of controlling you and keeping you. His words and his actions don't match.

That's the one thing I learnt about abusive men. Watch his actions for your answers, don't listen to his words as they are peppered with lies and excuses to carry on behaving how he wants.

He's done a right number on you - making you think you are the shittest woman on the planet. Well you are not.