I've just told my husband I was going to kill him

[Babs2016]

Ok, I feel like I'm going mad and I have nobody to talk to or turn to. I just feel like I am losing it, I have lost the person that I used to be. I just had an argument with my ex husband, and got so mad that I took out a knife and threatened that I would kill him. I know that I wouldn't go through with it, but I still did this in front of my 15 month old daughter. What is wrong with me??

This is part of a long story, but Jan 2013, after a miscarriage I was pregnant with my daughter. A month later my ex husband told me he was unhappy and wanted a separation. I was completely devastated. He had met another woman at work, somebody he became very good friends with, an emotional affair I would say. Anyway, he would go on about how she had changed him, made him feel good about himself, bought out his confidence. Stuff that I didn't do. Obviously it killed my confidence, and ever since. We have lived together past couple of months after being separated, the reason being I can't cope with the kids by myself. Where we are there is no family that can help, I want to move near my parents, but he doesn't want to and I've done as he wanted as I have wanted to desperately hold onto the marriage. This other woman, he has constantly been in contact with, seeing her regularly. And yes, it makes me feel like shit.

He went out to the theatre with her last night, and I wasn't feeling well. I asked him if he was coming back early as I wanted help with the kids. He thought I was bullshiting, the truth is I was feeling crap, but unhappy about him being with her too. We when he came back, I got loads of crap, making me feel guilty. And then this morning it turned into this horrible argument with me welding a knife and threatening to kill him. What has happened to me??

I feel so alone. 3 years ago, I was happy. I was a different person.

Pps can see exactly the impact of mental health.
The OP needs treatment and needs to be in a safe and calm place.
It still doesn't mean that others should be a risk when such behaviours emerge.

I'm sure my ex would think to himself that he'd have never harmed me, or his child. Still. He did threaten and manage to scare me.
Right now he's in a better place and things are different. It still doesn't mean that I should have brushed it off when he wasn't.

The OP doesnt need treatment (necessarily) She just needs to get herself out of a toxic situation

And why was she there? She could have walked away or kicked her oh out.
And her reaction isn't normal at all.

Proper treatment or not, she needs to find professional help who will then be able to decide.

We tell women all the time that they didn't cause DV to happen. In this case, nobody forced her to act as she has. It needs to be looked at why she did (in herself - not external causes).

of course she could have, but shes stayed until she flipped. Dont forget she hasnt hurt him or actually done anything other than threaten. This isnt an abusive woman

Right Bran, so next time a woman posts her partner threatened to kill her with a knife as long as he doesn't actually do it it's fine and not abuse

If somebody threatened you with this or your children I very very much doubt you would hold the same opinion.

The fact it was done in front of children is even worse. Do you image SS or the police would think it was nothing as she didn't follow through?

No, I disagree. It's plainly clear from some responses that some posters don't understand. Yes, she needs help. You asking why she was still there or why she hadn't 'kicked him out' isn't exactly 'understanding'.

She feels like she is going MAD from what he has put her through. On top of her depression, no doubt made worse by this. Does she need help? Yes. Can I see why she lashed out? Yes actually, I can. I don't think it makes her an abusive person.

Dont forget she hasnt hurt him or actually done anything other than threaten. This isn't an abusive woman

I'm afraid you are wrong there.
Threats are part of abuse.

Just shaking my head at "anything other than threaten". Have you ever been the recipient of threats?

There is no doubt that if it was a woman posting saying their husband with mental health problems threatened her with a knife in front of the 15 month old the advice would be to call the police and leave with the children. The double standards are astounding.

Before this incident happened I am sure the op thought that she would never threaten anyone with a knife, but she did. She needs help and to get herself in a place where she is more stable.

You asking why she was still there or why she hadn't 'kicked him out' isn't exactly 'understanding'.

I didn't ask why she didn't kick him out.

I said she could have, instead of choosing to hold on to him and torturing herself. And instead of lashing out by holding a knife to him. All about choices.

I do feel sorry for Babs, as in a way I felt for my ex, but I just won't minimise it.

Hi, sorry I've been away to think and also I wanted have a shower etc. I see there has been a lot of heated debates on my actions, and it's equation with abuse. Well, I would say it abuse, as I was threatening my ex and it obviously really upset him. Luckily, my kids are fine too. I've just spoken on the phone and I realise that I need to seek professional help. I've already spoken to my GP, and did have an initial phone consultation with the therapist, but I don't know how long it will be till I get treatment so I need to seek something else in the meantime. I desperately need someone to help me manage my emotional states. My ex hadn't realised how depressed I am, because generally I try to bury it. Also with him, I do not want to be vulnerable because I cannot let him in to hurt me again.
But we have reconciled a lot and he is beginning to understand where my anger stems from.
The situation is dire and needs to change, and the reality is only I can do that, and I need to come to peace with the end of my marriage. I have tried to help myself, but it gets nowhere because of self sabotage. I have just been beating myself up about it. I have had depression, but nothing like this, that has been brutally relentless and ongoing. On the outside, people think I'm fine. I've tried talking to my parents, but they can't handle it. Friends are difficult to talk to too. I wasn't like this, I used to be happy and strong, healthy, fulfilled. I don't recognise myself anymore. I know this situation needs to change. He feels awful and wants to help for the sake of our kids. I also need to learn how to control my anger, or understand when or begins to brew. This situation cannot happen again. It really feels like the bottom of the ditch for me.

I'd say that those minimizing more likely haven't been on the receiving end.
I have. My then-husband attempted to strangle me to death.
If a man had threatened a woman with a knife, I'd say 'Get out now'. It's what I'm saying to the woman in this situation - go to your family.
But she already feels bad. Pouring more criticism on top of that won't help the situation.

Glad you are seeing it clearly and have sought help.

One step at a time. Don't expect anything too fast or too soon. And definitely protect yourself and your feelings.

I hope he can back off, also walk away definitively and give you the space you need and support with the children too.

I haven't kicked him out as such, because I needed help with the kids. I really couldn't cope with them on my own and I live somewhere where there are no family or friends. He was the only person I could turn to. Which is shit. I really thought we would work it out, and deep down I hoped it would reconcil our marriage. But, I'm just clinging onto a dream.

I need to emphasise, what I did was truly unacceptable. If he called the police, I wouldn't blame him. I shouldn't have done what I did. This is why I need help. This cannot happen again.

Yeah Lweji, it is one step at a time. I've never felt so bad.

That's fine, but you need to get away from him. He isn't your friend and your continued involvement isn't helping.

I know you know it was serious and are appalled by it (unlike other pps...).

For your sake, there can be other ways to get help with the children.

It's different to have him pick them up for the day, or to nursery in the morning, for example, than to have him living with you, talking to you about his feelings and watching him going out with the new woman.

In these situations it is best to have a clear separation, as one side (you) just ends up being hurt.

In any case, I'm sure that you'd end up coping with the children if you had to. Sometimes it can be more the fear of not coping than what actually happens. It can be hard, but probably less than living with someone who you love and is in love with someone else.
Still, he is their dad and should do at least as much as you in relation to them. Just not stepping on your toes.

OP, you do need professional help. You say you've "lost it" and one of your posts says that you had lost it before, too (when you broke his guitar). I also think your DC need to stay with him while you are getting help.

I would also just like to point it out to other posters that the (ex?)H only stayed at the OP's request, because she says she would not be able to cope with her children on her own. So the situation whereby they share a house and she is still holding a candle for him while he would really like to be with someone else is being maintained by the OP. Despite her request he could still have up and left.

The baby is fifteen months now so BF could easily be stopped as she's on solids and will have been for nearly a year if not more. Your eldest must be in school or at least pre school.

Relinquish care to him whilst you seek help for your anger issues etc.

Going forward, if you can't cope with two children then him having shared care or residency may be the way to go. He obviously cares for them to have come back to a relationship he wasn't happy with to look after them.

I wouldn't harm my children, and I cannot be away from them. I have lost it before which was two years ago when he told me they had shared a kiss when I was away. I was pregnant at the time. I'd had a miscarriage before and I had some bleeding in the pregnancy and had to have some scans. I was so unhappy because of the distance between us, and my ex wasn't happy about us having another baby. I lost it and smashed his guitar against the wall. Who wouldn't in that situation? He's not being held to ransom. He's also here because he wants to be with the kids too.

I am depressed yes, but not disturbed. I'm a committed and loving mother. I would do anything for my kids.

I'm not going to stop breastfeeding my daughter just because she is 15 months. She needs it as much as I do.

And this is not just 'anger issues'.

You can be away from them. Even if for only a few days at a time.

As you can be away from your ex husband.

Who wouldn't in that situation?
You are excusing yourself, there. Most people wouldn't go and break their partner's things. Did you actually go and grab the guitar to break it?

Have you ever discussed arrangements to live in separate places? Or you just told him you can't be away from your children? Because that sounds like holding him to ransom in relation to them, actually.

You may not have a choice. If you have indeed been truthful and told your GP about the event they will gave to call SS as safeguarding procedures dictate.

Your ex, if he has any sense, will also have made calls to safeguard himself and the children. Although some men feel they can't report being threatened by a woman sadly.

You may love your children but threatening your daughters dad with a knife and telling him you'll kill him is not a normal event of any kind no matter how much it's minimised.

I'm not going to stop breastfeeding my daughter just because she is 15 months. She needs it as much as I do.

She doesn't "need" it at this stage, although it's beneficial, I'm sure. And she probably wants to. But not really need it.

Why do you need it? I think that is the important question you should ask yourself.
Is letting go a problem for you in general?
From my side it looks like you do need to address control/dependency issues.