I've just told my husband I was going to kill him

[Babs2016]

Ok, I feel like I'm going mad and I have nobody to talk to or turn to. I just feel like I am losing it, I have lost the person that I used to be. I just had an argument with my ex husband, and got so mad that I took out a knife and threatened that I would kill him. I know that I wouldn't go through with it, but I still did this in front of my 15 month old daughter. What is wrong with me??

This is part of a long story, but Jan 2013, after a miscarriage I was pregnant with my daughter. A month later my ex husband told me he was unhappy and wanted a separation. I was completely devastated. He had met another woman at work, somebody he became very good friends with, an emotional affair I would say. Anyway, he would go on about how she had changed him, made him feel good about himself, bought out his confidence. Stuff that I didn't do. Obviously it killed my confidence, and ever since. We have lived together past couple of months after being separated, the reason being I can't cope with the kids by myself. Where we are there is no family that can help, I want to move near my parents, but he doesn't want to and I've done as he wanted as I have wanted to desperately hold onto the marriage. This other woman, he has constantly been in contact with, seeing her regularly. And yes, it makes me feel like shit.

He went out to the theatre with her last night, and I wasn't feeling well. I asked him if he was coming back early as I wanted help with the kids. He thought I was bullshiting, the truth is I was feeling crap, but unhappy about him being with her too. We when he came back, I got loads of crap, making me feel guilty. And then this morning it turned into this horrible argument with me welding a knife and threatening to kill him. What has happened to me??

I feel so alone. 3 years ago, I was happy. I was a different person.

Remember - if you feel hurt and upset by someone's behaviour it's because they have done something hurtful. Don't listen to them telling you you are 'oversensitive' or 'mad' or 'demandning' or 'suffocating'.

He did something that hurt you, you got upset, he minimises the upset, this hurts you more, you get more upset, you start shouting, he tells you you are behaving crazy, you get more upset, he shouts back, you lose your temper, he tells you that's why he doesn't love you, he walks out to other woman, you are reduced to a crumpled mess.

It all starts with him hurting you. On purpose. At each stage he is one step ahead of you, getting you more riled, more reduced to tears. He does it to make you feel worthless, so that he can then tell you you are worthless or unloveable. So that next time he hurts you you don't react and he gets away with it all scott free. it's all tactics to control you.

I think this is what I have to do, to get counselling or something. I can't be away from my daughter as I'm still breastfeeding her. My eldest will have to stay with dad because of school, this is going to be hard. My parents will just not understand so I'll be there pretending I'm OK. I needed clarity that what I'm feeling is normal. I've been made to feel so guilty for having a problem with his friend, because I'm taking away his happiness and his social life. Because I haven't discussed it with anybody, I have felt that it is me that is the problem. Every time he sees her, I struggle. I compare myself to her all the time. I tried to be friends with her in the beginning, because it made him feel less guilty when he would meet with her. But eventually I couldn't do it anymore because it made me feel so crap. He feels I'm controlling him because I have a problem and to be fair it's not my place as we are not together.

Stop the cycle. Get away and stay away. Don't see him. Use your parents as intermediaries with the children.

You are absolutely totally normal. You are reacting totallly normally to the situation. Of course you compare yourself to her. You are wondering why she gets the best of him. Truth is, she'll have all this shit further down the line.

I remember mine went off with someone much slimmer and petite. I went into a total obsession of getting my weight down because I was obviously too big. Few years later she went through exact same thing.

You spend far too much time thinking about being kind to him, tryng to keep him happy. This is the action of a kind person. Your mind is crying out for you to love yourself. That's why every so often it bubbles up and says 'no more!'.

Anyway, thanks so much for the support. I really needed it. I understand those that would be worried about my kids and ex husband's safety. What I did was unacceptable.

I really need to have a shower and get dressed now. Thank you so much xxxx

thanks ricketytickety xx

Can you leave a mobile phone with your eldest that only they can unlock so you can talk to them direct without his interference? That way you can speak to them everyday whilst you are away and tell them you love them. Maybe tell them a bedtime story every night.

Be kind to yourself xx

If you can talk to your parents, make sure you find someone in real life to talk to. Having someone supportive will help you unravel what's gone on and help you gain perspective on what's gone on in your marriage. If you don't talk, the only external opinions of it you have are those of your ex, who obviously won't be giving a reasonable, rational picture. Talking with someone who won't blame you but will talk straight to you will help you feel better about yourself and make things become much clearer. Are your parents critical of you?

Can't *

You are absolutely totally normal. You are reacting totallly normally to the situation

Sorry but threatening someone with a knife and in front of DC is not 'normal'

I am in no way excusing her ex behaviour but to say the situation that occurred is 'normal' is very wrong.

Pressed too soon.

That is why the OP needs to leave and get help for her MH.

The relationship is no good for anyone including the DC.

OP, I got all your posts together and read through them and I'm not too worried about you.

You have an excellent grip of the situation. You've been pushed beyond all reasonable limits.

When you go to your parents on Monday, are you taking the children? Do that. If your parents will give you some support stay there until you can sort out independent accommodation for you and the children and start a new life.

Being with your faithless ex-husband is tearing you apart. It would be hard for anyone to bear. You had a miscarriage and no time to grieve before another pregnancy was underway. You have PND. These aren't small things.

You will need help. GP again, maybe some short term medication, definitely lots of counselling (you can get it all off your chest in counselling, I'm very much in favour of it!).

But you aren't mad and when you're not being tortured by the ex and his woman, and you can get help with the PND, things will be so much better for you.

You say you 'should be judged harshly'. I say you should be kind to yourself. Expect others to be the same. If people aren't kind to you, avoid them, they aren't worth your time or concern. And that includes your ex-husband.

No, her reaction to an abnormal situation of extreme stress is how most humans would react. It isn't how we would behave in a normal day to day situation, but it is how we behave in extreme stress. It is important for her mental recovery to know that she followed a pattern of behaviour instigated by the stressful situation. She won't be waving knives around and threatening to kill strangers. She reacted to a long pattern of abuse. It's quite common for women who are abused to lash out. It doesn't make the situation normal. It makes her reaction normal.

Bowing out of this thread now.

Hope you get the help you need OP.

Counselling is where you can turn next to heal your mental health. I agree that unfortunately many people in real life may not understand what you have been through. And that's ok. To them the situation is horrific. But for you it was your life. Counsellors will totally understand this. Make sure you find one that deals with domestic abuse as they can talk you through what happened and help you build yourself back up again.

If you feel like you are losing control of things, just ask for help. Your parents can take your dd for a while whilst you go for a walk or rest or sleep. Don't thing you have to carry on without support. You are most definitely going to need breaks.

You might find yourself getting worked up over little things because you are in a stressed state. If you do, step away from whatever you are doing. Sit down, tell yourself you are ok and give yourself a minute. Whatever it is. Doing the housework. Settling your dd. Getting ready in the morning. Take time to sit down and tell yourself you are doing well, no matter how much of rush you are in.

Whenever you feel that tingling feeling of anxiety and stress creeping in, or if it hits you out of the blue, sit down and take a few moments. Breath slowly. Close your eyes if you feel safe to. Let the frustration pass over you. Tell yourself you are going to manage, it will be fine. It's part of the recovery process. It's also the hardest thing to learn as you have spent a lot of time worrying about others and not yourself. It may be you have been like this for life and why you got into this relationship in the first place, but that is another story.

Actually, OP, you either chose to react like that or you lost control. Neither are particularly good.

Whatever happened, unless he had threatened your life, justified threatening to kill him and picking up a knife. It's certainly not his fault, and he didn't cause your reaction. (I know it's not you saying any of this, though)

The problem with the children is that you don't know how you will react to other stressful situations regarding him. Some women do end up harming themselves and their children.

This was serious and it is your wake up call that you are not healthy.

I agree that you should be kind to yourself. I know you are not excusing it, and I don't think you should.

But, you should certainly take time and retreat from this situation to take care of yourself. Not to worry about him, and perhaps at the beginning not to worry about the children (at least not all at the same time.
You have your baby.
You can go to your parents. Send him a message explaining that you need to sort yourself out, and that if he wants to see the baby he should be contacting you via your parents.
You do need to be away from him as much as possible at this stage. And until you recover.

oh my goodness. losing it with a person you have been through hell and back with over a period of years in an ongoing neverending saga of pain and confusion with no full stop and space to get over it does not mean that you are a risk to your children fgs. nor does feeling out of control in that one context once mean you are going to be out of control in other contexts or with other people.

OP yes you need to get help with your mental health and finally getting to the full stop (go to your parents and make plans to move permanently to a place closer to them and to friends and finally let go of him and you being back together) - the latter will massively help your mental health even if you have to completely crash and grieve for a while initially (hence being near parents and friends for support practically with the kids and for emotional support and company is important.

the idea that every woman who has lost it after going through hell for years whilst simultaneously being pregnant, looking after children and being isolated from family and friends is a risk to her children and should leave them is ridiculous.

maybe the women saying such things have never been through hell like that let alone without any support hence their total lack of understanding. though plenty of people would be able to understand via empathy even without hands on experience.

the situation is untenable yet has gone on and on for ages - eventually something will snap inevitably. go to your parents with the children and admit how hard everything has been and how desperately you need their help for a while. even if they're emotionally closed i'm betting they'll offer plenty of practical support and that support will give you the time and space to be able to begin to work on the emotional side. take care x

It's not about choice. We know that naturally we respond with fight flight or freeze. Socialisation stops us doing this, because we know we can't fight whenever upset, or run away whenever stressed, or freeze whenever expected to
Perform.

Under serious stress we lose that socialisation and react in ways like the OP did. She lost control, but I'd argue there wasn't much choice. once its lost there is no going back.

You can't pretend you are a superhuman being who can control her animal instinct just because it didn't happen to you and you have the advantage of being of hindsight and total lack of involvement.
One day it might be you. Let's hope not.
OP is not minimising or excusing. She's taking all advice on board. I don't understand the constant need to criticise her and remind her Exactly how bad she is. She knows. She posted here for help.

maybe the women saying such things have never been through hell like that let alone without any support hence their total lack of understanding. though plenty of people would be able to understand via empathy even without hands on experience.

Actually yes I have. I never pulled a knife. I was however nearly killed myself.

Please don't assume what others may or may not have been through.

There's losing it and losing it by yielding a knife and threatening to take someone's life. This is quite serious.
I'd say that those minimizing more likely haven't been on the receiving end.
Worse even those blaming him for the OP's reaction.

I hope you find peace Babs. Do seek and take any help you can.

so you were out of control and you did do something that others could have interpreted as meaning you were a risk to your children etc if they didn't 'get it'? were you 'in control' when you tried to kill yourself? did you 'lose it'? did you need judging and being made to feel shit about yourself in response or did you need compassion and support?

i'm afraid 'i tried to kill myself' doesn't shock or silence me as i've been there and had to recover from the levels of self disgust and loathing and horror i experienced at having done that as a mother with a child dependent on me. you exploded that way, the op raised a knife and an empty threat at her snapping point. which is worse? i know my having lost my temper and would've been less of a threat to my child's continued well being than me attempting to erase myself from the planet.

or maybe those equating it as being the same as what they experienced are forgetting the difference between a one off snapping point and a campaign of systematic deliberate abuse lweji.

Not sure what you mean Honey.

Lots of people are abused and don't hold knives or make threats.

And this was one time. If it would be a one off or not, time would tell. The point is that the OP has to treat it seriously, as it could easily be the first of many.
And walk off from the situation to which she reacted in this way (or abuse, which may or may not be). But be clear that the situation did not lead her to threaten someone's life or hold a knife in front of her child.

You have been so worn down and driven to the edge whilst struggling with ongoing depression. One of the things that never fails to disappoint me on this board is how so many posters fail to see the impact of mental health on our actions.

I really hope you can get some support OP