I've just told my husband I was going to kill him

[Babs2016]

Ok, I feel like I'm going mad and I have nobody to talk to or turn to. I just feel like I am losing it, I have lost the person that I used to be. I just had an argument with my ex husband, and got so mad that I took out a knife and threatened that I would kill him. I know that I wouldn't go through with it, but I still did this in front of my 15 month old daughter. What is wrong with me??

This is part of a long story, but Jan 2013, after a miscarriage I was pregnant with my daughter. A month later my ex husband told me he was unhappy and wanted a separation. I was completely devastated. He had met another woman at work, somebody he became very good friends with, an emotional affair I would say. Anyway, he would go on about how she had changed him, made him feel good about himself, bought out his confidence. Stuff that I didn't do. Obviously it killed my confidence, and ever since. We have lived together past couple of months after being separated, the reason being I can't cope with the kids by myself. Where we are there is no family that can help, I want to move near my parents, but he doesn't want to and I've done as he wanted as I have wanted to desperately hold onto the marriage. This other woman, he has constantly been in contact with, seeing her regularly. And yes, it makes me feel like shit.

He went out to the theatre with her last night, and I wasn't feeling well. I asked him if he was coming back early as I wanted help with the kids. He thought I was bullshiting, the truth is I was feeling crap, but unhappy about him being with her too. We when he came back, I got loads of crap, making me feel guilty. And then this morning it turned into this horrible argument with me welding a knife and threatening to kill him. What has happened to me??

I feel so alone. 3 years ago, I was happy. I was a different person.

If you are reading, she did.

That's good news. I'll bow out now.

I am astounded at some of these posts.

The OP is not a bad person.

She admits she has had problems with anger for a long time.
She admits purposely breaking her H's possessions in order to hurt him.
She threatened to kill him, while brandishing a knife, in front of her child.

None of that is okay. It doesn't make her a bad person but it is so seriously not okay that if her H reports this to the police and got an emergency court order; she could lose contact with her children until she had proven herself to be safe.

Threatening to kill some is not okay. Brandishing a knife is not okay.
Doing either in front of a child is not okay.
Social services, if they get involved, will not hear "she didn't mean it, she was provoked" and go "Oh okay then, we'll leave them to it".

Clearly bullying the OP is wrong (and pointless) but there are some posters who are rightly pointing out the potential consequences and pointing out that the arrangement whereby the OP and her H live in the same house and share care of the children cannot stand because her children are not safe because the OP cannot currently control her anger, whatever the reason behind that is.

I would have broken the guitar too. There is only so much a person can take. People who feel powerless are liable to lash out once backed into a corner. This is not the same as being an abuser. Nevertheless the op should remove herself from the house, unless the ex will do so. This is clearly an intolerable situation for her.

That's a matter of opinion and I disagree with you. Two wrongs don't make a right and both parties can act abusively.
We are adults. We make choices.

OP you're living in an extremely stressful and toxic environment. You need to change this, get away and go stay with your family. You're human, he's being extremely cruel. Relationship or not he's still your ex abs father to your dc so of course it's so difficult for you to live this way. You snapped, you didn't actually hurt anyone, you're human. Take care of yourself lovely

Her husband must be fucking laughing. Some of you lot are as bad as he is.Evil

Grow up!

Some horrible posts this afternoon to a woman who is clearly struggling.

She knows it wasn't the right thing to do. But make sure you hammer that point home over and over again.

I have skipped a lot of these posts. I read a few and they made me a bit sick so I skipped the rest.

OP. What you did was obviously not ok, but I very much doubt you are a threat to your children and thankfully you didn't hurt him. You have been through hell and back and seeing the man going out with the OW must be a huge head fuck and we all have a breaking point. You have reached yours. You are not a bad person but you do need help and you need to change your living arrangements now.

No one here should go on at you and make you feel more shit than you already do. If you were a man I would say the same. Of course it was a bad thing to do, but every single one of us can be pushed to the edge. You are angry with him, hurt with him, not your children. There is nothing to imply that because you lost it with him it means you will do the same with your children. He has trampled all over you feelings, he is a nasty bastard. It doesn't excuse it but it also doesn't mean you are a threat to your children.

Take your children with you and go to your mums. You do not have to give them up for now because your cunt of an ex has treated you cruelly and you got so fucked up over it you snapped. Bad thing to do as you know, but it doesn't mean you are going to turn into someone who abuses their children. You just need to be away from him, with people who can help you

I'm not going to stop breastfeeding my daughter just because she is 15 months. She needs it as much as I do.//She doesn't "need" it at this stage, although it's beneficial, I'm sure. And she probably wants to. But not really need it

Yes she does, OP. She really needs it. Mine was bf to 4, and hers is bfg at 4, and when they can tell you how they feel they tell you they need it.

Okay. Firstly you know that was it a good thing to do. Secondly, it's a sign of extreme distress. You can't cope with this. Leave with the children to your parents tomorrow. Thirdly, do get help but (totally going to get flamed for this!) if you value your children, forget this particular incident ever happened.

*NOT a good thing to do!

if you value your children, forget this particular incident ever happened.

That is the one thing you shouldn't do!

How is the husband abusive? He left OP for another woman, not great, but not abusive. She's later asked him to come back in a co-parenting role because she isn't coping with the children. At that point he could have tried for primary custody, but he didn't, he disrupted his life so that OP could be with the children full-time. Which was a mistake on his part, but from his point of view it couldn't be clearer that he has moved on, and he seems to be going out of his way to make that clear to the OP. Which yes, might seem cruel to her, but there's really no kind way to get it through someone's head that a relationship is over when they ignore being told that and the resulting actions that back it up.

He's not being wishy-washy here. They're separated, he's in a relationship with someone else, at her request he's helping OP out by temporarily living with her while she's struggling. Talking about the woman he's now with isn't emotionally abusive. The marriage is over, he's moved on, and he's making sure that's very clear to OP. That she can't accept that is something she needs to deal with. Pretending he's not with someone else and purposefully giving OP hope would be emotionally abusive.

You need to be away from your children until you get help and it starts having some effect. You say you'd never hurt your children, but you have. You threatened your ex with with murder while holding a weapon. Being around that kind of behavior is extremely damaging, and if you've reached that point, it's likely that your day to day behavior is also extremely stressful for a young child to be around, even if you feel like you're keeping it together. You may feel like you need to be around your children, but when things have gotten this bad, it's not about you. Your ex and your children need to feel safe.

My children with my ex were about the same age as yours are now when I left. They only ever witnessed one incident of abuse, that was similar to what you did. My eldest daughter has PTSD and my other daughter has extreme anxiety. Their father never laid a finger on them and the younger of my DD's was obviously not old enough at the time to remember the incident. He's a completely different person these days, he's on medication, he's far gentler and calmer than I am. But the children still brace themselves if they hear mild frustration in his voice, or when he speaks loudly. The youngest doesn't even know why she does it, she absolutely adores her father and can only remember him as the kind and gentle man he is now. Don't kid yourself that your children haven't been affected, both by your general demeanor and what happened yesterday. The only thing to do now is to remove yourself from the situation entirely until you are in a good place and won't do further damage.

My ex wasn't a bad person, he was a very unwell person. Once the initial fear had worn off I just felt awful for him, he'd clearly hit rock bottom, and I still blame myself for not recognizing how serious things had become. But there's no way in hell I would have let him be alone with the children after that, and thankfully he made it easy and recognized that he shouldn't be. If you'd asked him minutes before he was threatening to kill me if he'd ever do such a thing, he'd have been completely horrified and adamant that he never, ever would. But then he snapped. I've been there myself. Anything can happen when you snap. You can't say you wouldn't hurt your children, or that you wouldn't have actually hurt your ex, because when you snap you no longer have control of yourself. That once you've calmed yourself down you can say with confidence you wouldn't do something is meaningless.

OP your children will be fine with your ex for a while. You need to focus on getting help and getting better. Your DC's will be upset by your absence in the short term, but staying and inflicting more emotional turmoil on them is far more likely to have long-term effects.

I think, once you leave him, your mental health will improve greatly. Don't beat yourself up about this, take it as a warning sign that you've reached your limit; now I'd scoop up your children (afterall you're never going to hurt them, it's their father you're angry with) and go to your parents house. DH doesn't get to call the shots about where you go as you're doing the right thing for yourself, your children and your mental health.

The relationship with my DH was a big cause of my own pre and post-natal depression, I never realised this at the time. Your DH is being hugely disrespectful towards you, time you took control now and steered yourself in the right direction.
Goodluck
And don't waste time beating yourself up about this; anger acts as an alarm to tell us something is not right. Listen to what your reaction is telling you.

I had to post here. My poor friend did exactly what you did. Pulled a knife out but she had a blackout during it and she doesn't remember what happened. (Verified by docs btw) In all the time I've known her, she has never hurt anyone or been in a fight. I suspect she wanted to hurt herself. She was under a hell of a lot of stress with her ex. He'd been cruel to her too. She suspected an affair for months and surprise surprise he got with this girl straight after he broke up with her. She had severe pnd and he was no help to her at all. Didn't understand and wasn't willing to be a help. She's now been diagnosed as having post traumatic stress disorder which is what caused the blackout. She had to have her daughter living with him but she had counselling, had me for help and every time she was breaking down I told her to ring me. We dealt with social services. And now two years on everyone is happy and they have 50/50 custody. I just wanted to say that I believe you when you say you're not dangerous. You've been pushed to the point like my friend. Please don't be afraid of services or mental health teams. They got my friend back on her feet and two years on, they are all amicable for her daughters. Xxxx good luck