Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex had the kids for two weeks daughter ended up in hospital

132 replies

Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 12:40

Self harmed on the Wednesday morning, burn on the face - no medical treatment sort.
Had a panic attack at midnight on Sunday morning I returned midday Sunday to be told she is in hospital.
She wants to live with him now, the best she can throw at me for how awful it is living with me is that I told her if she played up I would send her to live with her dad.
Background is he abandoned us in Australia for 18 months and now he's back ready to play super dad.
Do I let her go .... She's the middle child of 4 aged 11. Others don't want to go.
Social services and cahms are involved.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 12/01/2016 12:43

Why would you let her go if this sort of thing happens? He hardly seems to be a responsible parent
What is the issue in your relationship with your daughter?
Is her face ok?

MatildaTheCat · 12/01/2016 12:48

Not really enough info to give a proper opinion but based on what you've said, no. I would want her with me and her siblings in her usual environment and school.

Dad returning has obviously come at a bad time, is she mid puberty? She's upset, confused and conflicted. She needs to hear that you are in charge and whilst you will help her get help to manage her feelings, she won't be going to live elsewhere. ( sorry, not clear if it would involve living far away or not. Still a no from me.)

Sounds awful. Hope things settle and she gets help.

HandyWoman · 12/01/2016 12:48

It's impossible to say what should happen based on your OP. The wider situation and dynamics will be explored, social services will make their recommendation. Which will be what's best for your daughter. Nothing else matters. Glad you are getting help, it sounds tough Thanks hope you yourself have some support. That's very important too.

pocketsaviour · 12/01/2016 12:59

OP not sure if I'm reading your post right but it sounds like you previously told your DD (probably during an argument) that if she didn't behave you would send her to live with her dad? Is that right? If that is the case I think it has probably triggered abandonment issues and she may be subconsciously thinking "mum's going to get rid of me anyway, I'm going to get in there before she does so it won't hurt so much" (the same way people sabotage romantic relationships if they feel insecure)

Have you discussed what was said and explained you didn't mean it and apologised?

My DS has abandonment issues from both his birth mum and his dad (deceased) and I said something similar once during an argument and it caused horrendous behaviour from him. He could not verbalise why at the time.

RandomMess · 12/01/2016 13:02

I would be asking CAMHS for their advice on what is the best approach for you to take.

My instinct would be that you say "I will miss you very much but of course you can go live with your Dad, there will always be a bed & room for you here and I'll always be on the end of the phone."

However with her issues I would be absolutely deferring to experts.

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 12/01/2016 13:04

Self harmed on the Wednesday morning, burn on the face.
Can you be absolutely sure she would not have done this if she'd been with you?

Was it an accident, or is there something going on that caused DD to do this? Is it a one off, or a regular thing?

Had a panic attack at midnight on Sunday morning I returned midday Sunday to be told she is in hospital.
Who had a panic attack? You, or DD?

She wants to live with him now, the best she can throw at me for how awful it is living with me is that I told her if she played up I would send her to live with her dad.
You should never use "sending someone to live with their dad" as a punishment - what an awful thing to say to a kid!

Background is he abandoned us in Australia for 18 months and now he's back ready to play super dad.
Is he otherwise a good dad? Was the burn a one off incident, or does he generally neglect the DCs when they are with him?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/01/2016 13:13

fucking nightmare OP

try and calm down, listen to advice, and let the professionals make a judgement- and when calmer make the decision.

personally I cant see one single benefit from sending 1 sibling of 4 away, but that's an opinion!

wishing you and her the best

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 13:25

Ok I don't actually remember saying I would send her to live with her dad, that's what she says.
She had the panic attack not me she ended up in hospital.
I'm utterly torn between not wanting to make it worse for her or the other 3 kids by fighting it and the fact that no he wasn't a good dad when we were married, kicked one child, threw a shoe at another and dragged a 13 year old to her bedroom by the arms. Oh and told his step daughter who he's raised from 9 months old that he hated her.
Didn't see them for 28 months by choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 13:25

Sorry 18 months

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 13:27

Does he neglect them in his care ? This is the first time they have ever spent 2 weeks With him ever.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/01/2016 13:28

I suppose I feel she needs to go and realise the grass isn't greener with him. By refusing her request you are saying that her feelings and desires aren't valid/worthy of being considered.

If CAMHS are saying no that is a different matter.

My eldest dd went to live with her Dad and she did after a few years move back!

Andro · 12/01/2016 14:46

kicked one child, threw a shoe at another and dragged a 13 year old to her bedroom by the arms. Oh and told his step daughter who he's raised from 9 months old that he hated her.

There is not a snowball's chance in hell that I would voluntarily consent to my child living with someone like that^.

Andro · 12/01/2016 14:47

^ should be there's a snowball's chance

goddessofsmallthings · 12/01/2016 15:30

What Andro said. Hell would freeze over before I'd let a dd who is in crisis go to live with her abusive df.

Are CAHMS/other health professionals aware of his history of physically, verbally, and emotionally abusing dc?

Your other 3 dc may need to take a back seat for a while because your 11yo is crying out for love and attention from you and they need to know that what you're doing to keep her safe is what you'd do for all of them.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 15:46

They aren't and my worry if I'm deadly honest is that I can't back any of this up and don't want to look like a twat.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 12/01/2016 15:52

Why let them go for a fortnight after him not seeing them for so long?.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 16:24

Because they wanted to

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 12/01/2016 16:35

You 'don't want to look like a twat'? Shock Is this about you having an easy life or is it about doing your very best for your 11yo dd?

Compared to your dd's obvious distress what you look like is immaterial, but it's to be hoped you'll come across as an extremely concerned dm who'll move heaven and earth to help her dd get through this extremely conflicted time in her young life.

How long have SS and CAMHS been involved?

Why did you allow your dc to stay with their df, a man you know to be abusive, for 2 weeks and where were you when they were staying with him? You mention returning at 'midday Sunday' which I assume is the date on which the dc were to be returned to you. What communication did you have with your dc during this 2 week period?

How long has he been back in the UK/his dcs lives? What arrangements are in place for him to have contact with the dc and is it court ordered? When are they due to see him again and will this include an overnight stay?

wannabestressfree · 12/01/2016 16:36

I am with goddess and I think two weeks is too long when your daughter is suffering mentally. They need you for boundaries and stability.

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 16:37

Ok

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 16:38

She wasn't suffering mentally before I went away

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 16:39

We both looked a right pair of twats at the hospital him making accusations, me making accusations and no substance to back any of it up.
I just want the pantomime to end but clearly that's a long way off

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 12/01/2016 16:43

Because they wanted to

If your dc wanted to swim in a river you know to be infested with crocodiles, would you let them?

In her 2 week stay with her df, your 11yo dd self-harmed and had a panic attack which was serious enough to warrant her admission to hospital.

That doesn't say a lot for his parenting skills, does it? Or is he claiming that dd self-harmed and had a panic attack because she didn't want to be returned to you?

Has she self-harmed before she went to stay with him and, if so, when did it start and what form does it take? Burning, cutting, or another form of inflicting pain on herself?

Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 16:43

No over night stays he has nowhere to take them and I'm not allowing his hotel suggestion.
It's really hard. My solicitor says no contact but then the authorities say he has joint PR and frankly I can't stop him

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 16:44

That's exactly what he's saying she self harmed because of my return and no never self harmed before.

OP posts: