Ex had the kids for two weeks daughter ended up in hospital

[Newbrummie]

Self harmed on the Wednesday morning, burn on the face - no medical treatment sort.
Had a panic attack at midnight on Sunday morning I returned midday Sunday to be told she is in hospital.
She wants to live with him now, the best she can throw at me for how awful it is living with me is that I told her if she played up I would send her to live with her dad.
Background is he abandoned us in Australia for 18 months and now he's back ready to play super dad.
Do I let her go .... She's the middle child of 4 aged 11. Others don't want to go.
Social services and cahms are involved.

[Newbrummie]

He got a letter telling him to stay away or an none molestation order would be sought and that's it so far

[Newbrummie]

Nothing has been served I haven't even seen the paperwork yet

[goddessofsmallthings]

So you're going for an ex parte PSO or has he been served notice of your application?

[Newbrummie]

I'm checking the paperwork today but I think that's what we've gone with. They are talking to him in the telephone to ease any anxiety but they can't see him until that's in place. Seems common sense, also gives him time to get his shit together which he would be anyway tbh

[goddessofsmallthings]

Do you think that applying for a non-molestation order when one of your dc actively wants to see her df is a good plan at this time?

I would have thought that a prohbited steps order would be more appropriate as it will enable you to recover any dc who are reluctant to return home from contact with him and prevent a repeat of the debacle that took place at the CAHMS office.

However, that said, were childcare arrangements determined during the divorce process and, if so, what was agreed?

As you've said, he's unlikely to have his own home for the dc to go to in the near future and it seems to me the way forward is to make it clear that his contact with the dc is on the basis that he sees/has all of them at the same time as it patently unfair to those that are left out if he's allowed to pick and choose who he sees.

I would also suggest that you make sure he doesn't get have any of the dc stay over with him at his df's or elsewhere on any weekend where the dc aren't required to be at school on the Monday morning.

[Newbrummie]

No it didn't which annoyed me too, but I've been assured it's happening this Monday.
Over heard the conversation between them tonight when she asked if he'd found a house yet .... He said yes he's found one but he's just waiting to find out who owns it .... As aposed to just going on right move and renting one that way then like normal people 😕. Ok then.
I know I have nothing to worry about deep down

[goddessofsmallthings]

I thought your solicitor was going to court on Monday. Did that not happen?

[wannabestressfree]

So she is with you then.... I would do nothing but pay lip service to him and her. She is a fickle teen. No reaction no response then she will run out of steam. He probably won't but it's not your problem..
Remain calm.....
Let her chat....
You can focus on the others. I thought she was with him. She Isn't so who gives a shit about his bleetings....

[Newbrummie]

Does that make sense, I can't focus on the others and let her get on with it because he has nowhere to take her so her and I are stuck getting on with it and he's done his usual light the fuse and piss off act

[Newbrummie]

I think this is the point she could be getting on with it only she can't because the twat has kicked all this off but has nowhere to live so she can't be with him

[Newbrummie]

I'm not engaging with him at all. I've not spoken to him or seen him.
She is talking to him via the phone three times a week which I was advised against but I can't see how I stop that, it either happens where I can monitor it or it'll happen behind my back.

[wannabestressfree]

What do you want wisdom for?
You were advised to stop contact. She burnt herself and was melodramatic fed by what sounds like high drama on both sides.....
I would let her get on with it and him. Be her mum and help her when required. If he is the arsehat you describe then it will fall apart fairly quickly. If not perhaps she will be better with him .
You are engaging in the worse possible way. You have no need to contact or speak to him. Just be an open door for her and focus on the others.

[Newbrummie]

There is drama - constant fucking drama - I have three teenage girls, an ex who thinks he's in Kramer vs Kramer, cahms who aren't interested bigger fish to fry I guess, the school who just want to get gown to business and SS with no concerns so really this should all just go away if allowed to but the child and dickhead aren't allowing it to. Preventing contact kicks off ww3 ... So please do add your words of productive wisdom

[Newbrummie]

i would genuinely love to know how how would handle it better - serious question - really ?????

[CremeBrulee]

'Turned round and said', have you been watching too much Jeremy Kyle? As others have said, dial down the drama, don't engage in it.

[Newbrummie]

In terms of an update for anyone e interested. Cahms discharged her on Friday - he and she were gutted, she fell into daddy's arms and he took her off for the weekend. All very well but he has three other children who he then didn't see as a result of this who were pretty pissed off.
Her behaviour has gone from bad to worse.
Other kids basically turned round and said to her if your going to be like this go and live with him then.
Other than these odd outbursts normal service has resumed.

[Newbrummie]

Oh do fuck off dear
I post on here to stop me killing him with my bear hands

[happygoluckylady]

Genuinely think you are enjoying the drama based on this and numerous other posts over the years. Who is the adult here?

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

It really is him causing the issues here continuing the drama

Drama can only continue if you go along with it. Stop. Be the grown up your child needs you to be.

[Newbrummie]

Said in the hospital not send

[Newbrummie]

I did do that in the beginning but that stopped along time ago and when I send in the hospital we were both doing the tit for tat thing I should have said, it wasn't in front of DD I took him to one side or it was in a room with the nurses. She didn't hear me slagging him off.
And even when she tried to get a reaction at the cahms meeting I refused to go into it.
It really is him causing the issues here continuing the drama when all the professionals agree there is none.

[wannabestressfree]

You see whatever is said you hit back with 'but he said this or did that' which is childish. You may be better just letting the anger go and going back to mum and kids tight unit.... It's sounds like he will self sabotage. You have rather played into his hands though with your own actions.....

[Newbrummie]

I'm saying nothing to DD now except this is her home if she wants it the door is always open.

[Newbrummie]

I see what you're saying I really do.
It is a mess and one I'm desperate to fix, again. I just wish given he isn't in a position to save her or the others from the so called witch that is their mother he'd keep his mouth shut and stick to the contact arrangement that he made and is all he can manage.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

PP have already suggested that DD's behaviour might have been down to relationship sabotage due to insecurity/abandonment issues surrounding your relationship with her since you (according to her) threatened to send her to live with her dad. Then you reveal that during this time you were on holiday for two weeks with your boyfriend and there's nothing there that's tempting you to put two and two together?!

It's been a relatively solid mum and kids team for many months according to you while your ex was out of the way - surely you spending two weeks one-on-one with the boyfriend for the first time is a fucking giant trigger for panic/abandonment issues escalating? Especially when it may well be in exactly the form of the punishment/dread situation she might have been focussing on all this time - being sent away by you to live with her father?!