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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ex had the kids for two weeks daughter ended up in hospital

132 replies

Newbrummie · 12/01/2016 12:40

Self harmed on the Wednesday morning, burn on the face - no medical treatment sort.
Had a panic attack at midnight on Sunday morning I returned midday Sunday to be told she is in hospital.
She wants to live with him now, the best she can throw at me for how awful it is living with me is that I told her if she played up I would send her to live with her dad.
Background is he abandoned us in Australia for 18 months and now he's back ready to play super dad.
Do I let her go .... She's the middle child of 4 aged 11. Others don't want to go.
Social services and cahms are involved.

OP posts:

Report

Newbrummie · 15/01/2016 20:30

Yeah he has literally just made his first child support payment in 2.5 years and then sent me a patronising email when I asked him to buy them school shoes over the Christmas holiday suggesting I give up smoking and get a job

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RandomMess · 15/01/2016 22:20

It is so sad and annoying and frustrating and everything else - he's going to f*ck her around and then disappear again isn't he

Your poor dd and poor you having to pick up the pieces

I remember you from before I'm pretty sure too

JerryFerry · 16/01/2016 13:44

I remember your many threads about your move to Australia and the endless drama with not just your h but also pretty much everything, relatives, schools etc. I said it then and I'll say it again, you have an unhealthy appetite for drama.

It is really sad how your dd is in so much pain but it doesn't surprise me given the way her parents carry on. Your description of the altercation at the hospital is toe curling.

You know what? So long as you continue to buy into melodrama, this sort of shit will keep happening.

The alternative is to ditch the drama and focus on the children's wellbeing. This means holding back on the dad criticisms, getting professional guidance for your clearly troubled 11yr old, and really just growing up a lot.

Newbrummie · 16/01/2016 15:20

Interestingly there was no and I mean no drama for the 18 months he was away and had been none in the 6 weeks after he arrived back and was picking them up and taking them for one day per week which is all he can manage due to his situation.
I turn my back for two weeks and world war three kicks off.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 16/01/2016 15:56

With all due respect you went on holiday with a bloke they have never met for two weeks on holiday. Leaving at least one child with anxiety due to being abandoned. I find it hard that all your anger is based on 'but he Did this.......' When questioned.
You just need to be boring and normal and not discuss her dad. Doesn't matter when he says or does. You know what you need to do....
You can't turn your back due to the way things have gone....

Newbrummie · 16/01/2016 16:02

I went on holiday, not them, me and I'm sorry with all due respect I am entitled to spend my time where ever and with who ever I like. Would any of this not have happened if I'd stayed home staring at their empty beds for two weeks ? Really ?

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wannabestressfree · 16/01/2016 16:12

Of course it would but you were absent for a fortnight. It just seems quite titt for tatt.....you both have elements of your behaviour that need looking at. I get its been shit and he has been worse....I Just don't understand that you know what he is like and what he has done so leave your house and the kids and him to it..... He has shown what he is like....

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 16/01/2016 16:29

PP have already suggested that DD's behaviour might have been down to relationship sabotage due to insecurity/abandonment issues surrounding your relationship with her since you (according to her) threatened to send her to live with her dad. Then you reveal that during this time you were on holiday for two weeks with your boyfriend and there's nothing there that's tempting you to put two and two together?!

It's been a relatively solid mum and kids team for many months according to you while your ex was out of the way - surely you spending two weeks one-on-one with the boyfriend for the first time is a fucking giant trigger for panic/abandonment issues escalating? Especially when it may well be in exactly the form of the punishment/dread situation she might have been focussing on all this time - being sent away by you to live with her father?!

Newbrummie · 16/01/2016 16:45

I see what you're saying I really do.
It is a mess and one I'm desperate to fix, again. I just wish given he isn't in a position to save her or the others from the so called witch that is their mother he'd keep his mouth shut and stick to the contact arrangement that he made and is all he can manage.

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Newbrummie · 16/01/2016 16:46

I'm saying nothing to DD now except this is her home if she wants it the door is always open.

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wannabestressfree · 16/01/2016 18:19

You see whatever is said you hit back with 'but he said this or did that' which is childish. You may be better just letting the anger go and going back to mum and kids tight unit.... It's sounds like he will self sabotage. You have rather played into his hands though with your own actions.....

Newbrummie · 16/01/2016 19:07

I did do that in the beginning but that stopped along time ago and when I send in the hospital we were both doing the tit for tat thing I should have said, it wasn't in front of DD I took him to one side or it was in a room with the nurses. She didn't hear me slagging him off.
And even when she tried to get a reaction at the cahms meeting I refused to go into it.
It really is him causing the issues here continuing the drama when all the professionals agree there is none.

OP posts:

Newbrummie · 16/01/2016 19:08

Said in the hospital not send

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SmillasSenseOfSnow · 17/01/2016 01:54

It really is him causing the issues here continuing the drama

Drama can only continue if you go along with it. Stop. Be the grown up your child needs you to be.

happygoluckylady · 20/01/2016 10:05

Genuinely think you are enjoying the drama based on this and numerous other posts over the years. Who is the adult here?

Newbrummie · 20/01/2016 10:24

Oh do fuck off dear
I post on here to stop me killing him with my bear hands

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Newbrummie · 20/01/2016 10:44

In terms of an update for anyone e interested. Cahms discharged her on Friday - he and she were gutted, she fell into daddy's arms and he took her off for the weekend. All very well but he has three other children who he then didn't see as a result of this who were pretty pissed off.
Her behaviour has gone from bad to worse.
Other kids basically turned round and said to her if your going to be like this go and live with him then.
Other than these odd outbursts normal service has resumed.

OP posts:

CremeBrulee · 20/01/2016 10:50

'Turned round and said', have you been watching too much Jeremy Kyle? As others have said, dial down the drama, don't engage in it.

Newbrummie · 20/01/2016 11:02

i would genuinely love to know how how would handle it better - serious question - really ?????

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Newbrummie · 20/01/2016 11:05

There is drama - constant fucking drama - I have three teenage girls, an ex who thinks he's in Kramer vs Kramer, cahms who aren't interested bigger fish to fry I guess, the school who just want to get gown to business and SS with no concerns so really this should all just go away if allowed to but the child and dickhead aren't allowing it to. Preventing contact kicks off ww3 ... So please do add your words of productive wisdom

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wannabestressfree · 20/01/2016 16:46

What do you want wisdom for?
You were advised to stop contact. She burnt herself and was melodramatic fed by what sounds like high drama on both sides.....
I would let her get on with it and him. Be her mum and help her when required. If he is the arsehat you describe then it will fall apart fairly quickly. If not perhaps she will be better with him .
You are engaging in the worse possible way. You have no need to contact or speak to him. Just be an open door for her and focus on the others.

Newbrummie · 20/01/2016 17:06

I'm not engaging with him at all. I've not spoken to him or seen him.
She is talking to him via the phone three times a week which I was advised against but I can't see how I stop that, it either happens where I can monitor it or it'll happen behind my back.

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Newbrummie · 20/01/2016 17:07

I think this is the point she could be getting on with it only she can't because the twat has kicked all this off but has nowhere to live so she can't be with him

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Newbrummie · 20/01/2016 17:09

Does that make sense, I can't focus on the others and let her get on with it because he has nowhere to take her so her and I are stuck getting on with it and he's done his usual light the fuse and piss off act

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wannabestressfree · 20/01/2016 18:01

So she is with you then.... I would do nothing but pay lip service to him and her. She is a fickle teen. No reaction no response then she will run out of steam. He probably won't but it's not your problem..
Remain calm.....
Let her chat....
You can focus on the others. I thought she was with him. She Isn't so who gives a shit about his bleetings....

Flip

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