Ex had the kids for two weeks daughter ended up in hospital

[Newbrummie]

Self harmed on the Wednesday morning, burn on the face - no medical treatment sort.
Had a panic attack at midnight on Sunday morning I returned midday Sunday to be told she is in hospital.
She wants to live with him now, the best she can throw at me for how awful it is living with me is that I told her if she played up I would send her to live with her dad.
Background is he abandoned us in Australia for 18 months and now he's back ready to play super dad.
Do I let her go .... She's the middle child of 4 aged 11. Others don't want to go.
Social services and cahms are involved.

[mummytime]

It does sound more a SS issue than CAHMS (although shouldn't be but CAHMS are over stretched).
Can the school (or SS) offer any counselling?

I would listen to what you are advised.

Personally I would expect that to be: limited short contact with Dad, not in your home, maybe supervised. On going counselling for yourDD. Possibly some continued SS input until there is a group conference and you are discharged by them.

[Newbrummie]

I honestly think we will be discharged by them on Monday to be honest.
I'm going to court to get supervised contact with dad and no contact until then.
It's all calmed down now, no further outbursts or self harming but honestly the schools opinion is her head has been filled with shit by her dad and normal service needs to resume ASAP and she needs to just be a kid and stop worrying about adult stuff ie he needs to keep his bloody mouth shut

[Newbrummie]

Got to the cahms meeeuing he's told her about the no contact order, she's gone batshit and is refusing to come home with me

[goddessofsmallthings]

What 'no contact order'? There isn't one that's been ratified by a court.

Who told her - her df? How did he tell her - in the meeting or outside of it? Where are you and where is she now? Are you all still at the CAHMS office?

[Newbrummie]

No left the cahms meeting without her, the cahms people let him have her alone and this is what's happened .... Fucking fuming tbh I shouldn't have gone.
He told her, he will get in trouble for that but the damage is done

[Newbrummie]

I'm going for a non molestation order on Monday according to my solicitor, I've handed it all over to him

[goddessofsmallthings]

Someone should be telling your dd that there's no question of her not having contact with her df forever, but because she became so upset while in his care that she self-harmed, called Childline, and was admitted to hospital because of a panic attack, the consensus of opinion of SS, her school, CAHMs etc is that it's in her best interests for contact which involves overnight stays with him to take place when he's got his own home which he has said will be in a month's time and which may enable her to stay with him during the half-term school holiday.. i.e not long for her to wait.

Someone also needs to talk to her about why she became so upset on the Wednesday morning in terms of it being very sad that her dad's girlfriend died and how did this make her feel? Did she feel sorry for dad because he's all alone now? Did she feel sorry for the girlfriend or did she feel glad that she's dead? If she felt that dad's girlfriend was the reason she didn't see him for 11? months, it may be that she wished her dead and believes that her thoughts in some way caused her to die.

It seems to me that your dd needs a lot of reassurance that she doesn't seem to be getting. Children need to know that they're not "bad" for harbouring thoughts that some people regard as being bad and that she shouldn't feel responsible in any way for her dad's girlfriend having died or for him being on his own.

It could be suggested that it would be a nice gesture if she saved her pocket money for a floral or other tribute to be left on the girlfriend's grave or in the garden of memory where she was cremated, and that her dad, or possibly yourself, could take her to pay her respects.

Fwiw, I don't believe the girlfriend died and I'd like to see him squirm what excuses he comes up with when he's asked for her name and where her grave is.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Cross posted.

Are you saying that you've left the CHAMs meeting/building without your dd and that CAHMS have effectively given her to him for tonight/the weekend?

[Newbrummie]

Yeah that's the jist

[Newbrummie]

The "dead" girlfriend is in Australia. I hope she's not dead to be honest my bloody $50,000 car is parked on her drive wAy

[goddessofsmallthings]

The message that is being given to your dd is that if she kicks off she gets what she wants.

What reason has CAHMS given you for allowing this debacle and who else was at the meeting? Were there representatives from SS/dd's school in attendance?

If your car is parked on the allegedly dead girlfriend's driveway, you've got her address - do you have her phone number? I'd be happy to call down under to ascertain whether she's alive as if he's lied about this - which was the trigger for, or the root cause of, dd's upset - it can be used against him in a court of law.

It's a shame your solicitor didn't get an emergency ex parte order today. Judges are available out of hours but it may be too late for you to make contact with your solicitor now.

I find it hard to believe what CAHMs have done. It seems your dc is having emotional problems and they've encouraged her to have behavioural ones too.

[Newbrummie]

I don't even know the girls surname, some friends did some research over there to see if they could find out but it's hard without the last name.

And yes I completely agree and I'll be raising it with the SW and the school. He's such a twat I'm so tempted to say you created this mess you deal with it because she's going to give me hell when she gets home isn't she

[Newbrummie]

It was just us at cahms - as I said they were already to discharge her when the pantomime villain or our hero arrived from stage left

[Newbrummie]

This is how worried they are she's been put on the waiting list for counselling 4-6 months

[goddessofsmallthings]

Whereabouts in Oz? I'll pm you.

The problem is that CAHMS will no doubt come up with some shite plausible reason as to why they let your dd go off into the sunset with her df who doesn't have a home of his own just because she stamped her feet (fuckers!) and this may sway SS while the school will be powerless to argue against them.

Where do you think he's likely to have taken her and do you think there's a chance that he'll ensure she'll be at school on Monday?

[Newbrummie]

Well he is due to return her at 4pm on Sunday afternoon and he will because he doesn't bloody want her.
I mean if I thought my child was at risk no way would I have brought her back on Tuesday morning and no way would it take me a month to find somewhere to live to take her to, he's such a dickhead that actually he's playing into my hands tbh but God the stress we are all under.
The fact that he now won't see the other kids this weekend says all you need to know about him and his ability to think beyond the end of his nose

[goddessofsmallthings]

Is she your only dd and was she a bit of a daddy's girl when you were all living together?

Was he due to see all of the dc this weekend?

[Newbrummie]

No we have 4 kids, she's the youngest girl. When we were married he never fucking saw them, worked away, had affairs etc ..., he's just latched onto her because she's the only one who likes him

[goddessofsmallthings]

If you can prove the girlfriend is alive and kicking he will be dead in the water and won't be able to mount any defence to your assertions.

[CremeBrulee]

Why is your $50,000 car parked in Australia on the driveway of a possibly deceased woman whose name you do not know?

[Newbrummie]

That is far too long a story to go into here

[CremeBrulee]

Then why mention it at all.

[wannabestressfree]

Discrediting him is the way forward.

[Newbrummie]

I could write a book, but whenever I raise it people don't seem interested. All ears when she's screaming at me though

[regisitme]

I think I remember you when you were in Australia, I recognise your posting style. If you are who I think you are then your ex was a total arsehole then and you coped with everything thrown at you amazingly.

I'm sorry to see he's causing so much grief now after everything you went through and that your DD is being manipulated so badly by him.

As you've already alluded going into the back story would be a bit of a nightmare but I can attest to the fact that he is a selfish, arrogant dickhead who absolutely has no interest in the children's wellbeing whatsoever, based on your struggle with him over the last couple of years. He was a douche with money as well wasn't he?