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Original poster

DP thinks I should be doing more now I'm on Mat Leave

151 replies

Icklepickle101 · 11/12/2015 21:52

Just had a heated discussion about household jobs with DP as I asked him to do the washing up before he goes to bed, he says he will do it tomorrow. This has been going on for months, he leaves it and leaves it until we have no clean plates/cups/pots/cutlery left and will then do some of it until 'the hot water runs out' or I get so fed up of living in a disgusting mess I do it myself.

The only other jobs he has is the bins, his own ironing and he will hoover the stairs for me about once a month

I do everything else.

He has now piped up that as I'm on maternity leave I should be doing the washing up as he is tired from work. The fact I'm on crutches, strong painkillers and 8 months pregnant didn't seem to be an issue as I had all day to 'relax'.

Am I wrong in sticking to my gins and continue nagging on a daily basis for him to wash up? I'm considering leaving him to do his own washing/cooking until he can take responsibility and do it daily as it's really starting to piss me off!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/12/2015 21:53

more what ?

abbieanders · 11/12/2015 21:54

Maternity leave is not housework leave.

Lweji · 11/12/2015 21:55

I think you should go to bed and rest. Properly.
Have him vaccum the house for himself too.
Ask him what would he expect to do if he was in crutches and painkillers. And that if he can't take this little extra work now, then he's not fit for parenthood, because the work involved will be much much more.

RiverTam · 11/12/2015 21:56

Is this your first child together? He's got about a month to get with the program or it's going to get a lot worse. What an utter knob.

Maybe buy him a dictionary for Christmas with the word 'maternity' highlighted.

Namechanger2015 · 11/12/2015 21:57

Bloody hell if he thinks there is a lot to do know wait until baby is here.

He sounds a lot like my exH with that expectation that you will do everything. If he is physically capable then he should be helping out as much as possible - he is not doing the hoovering for you, he should be doing it because, as a couple, you need a clean home to live in.

I hope he bucks up his ideas after the baby is here.

potap123 · 11/12/2015 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namechanger2015 · 11/12/2015 21:59

The fact he doesn't give a shit or any allowances when you are clearly incapacitated is a big red flag for me. I hope he treats you well otherwise....??

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 11/12/2015 22:00

It is our first baby and we've only been living together since July, before that we both lived with our parents. I was very independant and helped with housework/cooked famil meals etc and he was waited on hand and foot, has no idea how to use a washing machine and his DM still was making his sandwiches when we moved out Hmm so I don't think he knows any different but it's so so frustrating to live with a lazy man child who doesn't see himself as doing anything wrong!!

OP posts:
startrek90 · 11/12/2015 22:01

He is a prat. End of. Tell him to get hos head out of hos backside and act like a responsible adult and do his share. Or do what I did with mine and refuse to do anything for him till he figures ot out.

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 11/12/2015 22:02

Otherwise he is a caring, loving and generous man and I know I mean the world to him, which makes it even worse as I don't think he realises how upset it makes me (despite lots of years and constant nagging!) and I do honestly think he would feel awful if he realised what a big deal it was to me,it just isn't a big deal to him.

OP posts:
LimitedSedition · 11/12/2015 22:03

I think you need a period of bed rest as recommended by (insert your chosen HCP here). If you use bottles at any point once baby is here, the sink will need to be empty at all times!

startrek90 · 11/12/2015 22:05

Just read your last update. Clearly he needs to start learning now before the baby comes then doesn't he? Stop ALL work. Get the lazy bastard to do it or to fuck off.

abbieanders · 11/12/2015 22:07

I wouldn't be now making excuses for an adult who apparently thinks that you should be picking up after them because you're pregnant. Don't get sucked into that or you'll never be finished brushing his teeth for him.

Boosiehs · 11/12/2015 22:07

Tell him to fuck off.

Your DH needs to grow up. You aren't a slave and he needs to pull his weight and do his share.

magoria · 11/12/2015 22:07

Good luck you have years of this ahead of you if you stay with him.

You are pregnant, in pain and on crutches. He sees domestic drudge as your role. Because he has been brought up that way.

This isn't going to get better. It will only get worse with a baby.

I would move back to your parents until he bucks up his ideas.

RiverTam · 11/12/2015 22:07

I can't agree that he's caring and loving, I'm afraid. Caring and loving people don't do what he did.

Shall I tell you what my actual caring and loving DH did when DD was a newborn? Everything. All I had to do was sit in the sofa and try to feed DD. He shopped, cooked, cleaned, made me lunch before he went to work, made sure I had a glass of water to hand.

Can you see your bloke going that? Some of that? Any of that?

Flingingmelon · 11/12/2015 22:10

DH was a bit like this before DS arrived. Not washing up so much but couldn't for the life of him figure out why I couldn't pack the car full of heavy half full paint pots, drive it to the tip and dispose accordingly.

Utterly clueless. Smile

He got the shock of his life when baby arrived. Luckily DM moved in for a week and guided him through the new reality. He's pretty good now.

Can a family member give him a 'nudge' in the right direction possibly?

BathtimeFunkster · 11/12/2015 22:10

Otherwise he is a caring, loving and generous man

Other than expecting you to use leave meant for keeping yourself healthy and rested before the baby is born to skivvy after him while you are incapacitated?

That's not worth a lot, is it?

startrek90 · 11/12/2015 22:11

Sorry but this makes me mad. My DH has a mum that does everything and my DH told me when we moved in that he 'expected' the same. I told him ok but he could go live with his mum I wasn't waiting on him. It shocked him. Could you try something similar?

Topseyt · 11/12/2015 22:11

Clearly he thinks that maternity leave is a holiday.

He needs to be disabused of that notion before the baby arrives.

abbieanders · 11/12/2015 22:12

My baby is six months and my husband is still doing all of that. He's loving and caring and sees caring for the baby during working hours as my current job while I'm on maternity - the other jobs we split. He's grateful for the work I do rather than carping about the state of the house or coming up with a list of jobs for me to occupy myself with.

AvaCrowder · 11/12/2015 22:12

Well §Icklepickle§ it either or is not a big deal.

Lweji · 11/12/2015 22:14

If you meant the world to him, he should have realised how upset it makes me (without lots of years and constant nagging!)
Ask yourself why he doesn't feel awful that it is a big deal to you. And why he doesn't "realise it". I bet he does realise. He just doesn't care.

He should choose to be a partner and a parent in a family, or go back to being the baby but at his mother's.

Marilynsbigsister · 11/12/2015 22:16

You only moved in together in July after 'years and years of nagging'. Was this because because you were pregnant ? Would he have left home if you weren't pregnant ?

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 11/12/2015 22:16

I'm glad I posted, I though I was BU but was too scared to ask. I might show him this thread and maybe he will realise it isn't normal for a grown man to be waited on hand and foot.

River before I would have hand on heart said yes, but now I'm
Not so sure. I've told him after a c section I won't be able to do much for a while so maybe he should get in to the habit of doing things now but he sees this as being patronising.

Sadly his mother is the cause of this I believe, she has her husbands dinner ready for the moment he walks in the door, he does nothing, never once lifted a finger even after she had had major surgery, he employed a short term au pair!! She expects me to treat DP like she did and thinks I'm BU to expect him to do anything round the house, I might see if my mum could give him some guidance

OP posts:
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