DP thinks I should be doing more now I'm on Mat Leave

[Icklepickle101]

Just had a heated discussion about household jobs with DP as I asked him to do the washing up before he goes to bed, he says he will do it tomorrow. This has been going on for months, he leaves it and leaves it until we have no clean plates/cups/pots/cutlery left and will then do some of it until 'the hot water runs out' or I get so fed up of living in a disgusting mess I do it myself.

The only other jobs he has is the bins, his own ironing and he will hoover the stairs for me about once a month

I do everything else.

He has now piped up that as I'm on maternity leave I should be doing the washing up as he is tired from work. The fact I'm on crutches, strong painkillers and 8 months pregnant didn't seem to be an issue as I had all day to 'relax'.

Am I wrong in sticking to my gins and continue nagging on a daily basis for him to wash up? I'm considering leaving him to do his own washing/cooking until he can take responsibility and do it daily as it's really starting to piss me off!!

Yes, get rid of the dish dirter and get a dish washer instead. Much handier.

More seriously, even if you get loads of appliances and work savers, you'll still have to deal with his attitude.
He didn't suggest you both got a dishwasher to easy it up for both of you. He suggested you did it instead of him.

Ok, to play devils advocate here...you are on leave but baby isn't here yet. You're on crutches, and painkillers, but you can't manage to wash up? At all? Your husband might just be a lazy bastard, that's true. But to be honest, I am surprised that the washing up is such a problem for you. I have three children and a full-time job. Despite being sick and knackered through three pregnancies there were time sworn I had to wash up/throw laundry in/change nappies when I didn't feel like it. Perhaps you both need to work a bit harder...

Did you happen to read what the op already does compared with her oh?
And you're actually asking her to also do the dishes? While on crutches? Nice one.
There will be a reason why the op is at home at 8 months instead of working as normal...

Yes, I did read all the posts. If OP and her partner were both working full time I would have more sympathy, but she's on maternity leave. Home all day. Yet the washing up is done so infrequently that they regularly run out of cups. It's really not that hard, even on crutches.

People use crutches because putting their full weight on their legs is too painful/causes more damage to the joints. so they take some of their body weight through their arms. If they're bearing their weight on their arms, their hands are quite simply unavailable to dishwash.

Are you seriously suggesting that the OP should stand by the sink putting her full weight through her lower limbs and risk permanent damage to her sacroiliac joint, to do the dishes ?

I would expect a loving dh to be wanting to look after his very pregnant partner, not berating her for not doing everything for him. Given that in this case the very pregnant partner is also both disabled and in pain I really can't see how he can in any shape or form be described as loving.

It also sounds very much as if before the OP was on maternity leave she was pretty much doing everything, instead of the 50:50 split I'd expect from two working adults.

Goodness knows how things will go once the baby arrives.

You have well and truly drawn the short straw.

For me it would be ultimatum time. He should be wanting to sort the house out and look after you. Does he seriously watch you struggle getting around on crutches while carrying his baby and still not get off his lazy arse?

I agree with a pp that his mother's attitude is unusual. Even my grandmother wouldn't have talked like that, let alone my generation and I must be your partner's mother's age if you are only early 20s.

You say you have nagged him 'for years' so you must have been together for a long time. I bet you wondered why you bothered now.

He is not caring and he doesn't think the world of you.

I agree you should go back to your parents and bin him off reevaluate after you have had the baby.

OP you have a man child. Unless he suddenly steps up and starts to take responsibility for himself you're going to have a rough time once the baby is here.

I don't know what to suggest as I don't expect he will change even if you sit him down and explain how things need to be.

Even if you can get past this issue, your in-laws are going to drive you mad. I'd be considering leaving the relationship if I were you. I'm shocked that a man in his twenties can be so useless

He really isn't loving and caring. Most loving, caring partners would treat their 8 months pregnant partners like princesses, not to mention one that's on crutches and in pain. If he as caring, he would ask if you're resting enough and not getting yourself too tired - certainly not expecting you to run (crawl) around picking up after him.

have you discussed how things will be after the baby is here? I bet he will say that you will be on maternity leave, so you should do everything. Doesn't matter if you have also been up all night and stuck under clingy cluster-feeing baby the whole day, the house better be sparking and dinner on table.

Yes show DH the thread.

Your DH is selfish and thinks of himself as a prince. He's been set up by his mother who has very skewered ideas about women's roles. She has disempowered her son. Fancy expecting you to shop for a meal, cook it, serve it, clear up after, clean the house like a servant while he does nothing. Lazy knob.

OP what will happen if your child is a girl? Or a boy? Will the child have these expectations inflicted upon them?

In your shoes I would write out every chore that needs to take place, split them appropriately. Yes if he doesn't do his part, don't cook for him. Or leave him. Why waste your time on him

Also having a baby is exhausting. He will need to pull his weight now and when the baby arrives. He should pull his weight because he loves and respects you.

Is Toby the MIL

This is the type of man who asks his SAHM wife "what she's done all day" when she is juggling 3 small children and the house is a tip...

I can predict the future here OP and you'll save yourself time if you get out sooner rather than later.

I'd have the baby, go back to work, make him take paternity leave instead, leave him a list of chores every day. Obvs don't assist with the baby when you get home from
Work or offer to Hoover the stairs. Tell him you expect him to do more now he's 'not working' I.e a hot meal on the table when you come home from work cos your knackered and he's been lounging on the sofa all day watching Jeremy Kyle whilst baby sleeps .

Op I'm being sarcastic obviously but you need to spell it out very clearly.

Lots of women I know are with men who assume maternity leave is a ducking nine month skive off work. It really pisses me off.

My dh used to come in from work, put a TV programme on on his phone and prop it on the windowsill while he was doing the day's washing up when he got in from work. It was his wind-down time when he got in. (Now we have a dishwasher so he'll sort that out instead which is too quick a job to be watching some TV.)

Op, your dps behaviour is not normal. He is fully aware of your situation and how much pain you are in but is so entitled he feels you should shut up and get on with it. Caring partners do not do that.

Fwiw I have spd, am pregnant on crutches and in a lot of pain. I totally understand how much pain you are in. I have been in pain since 18 weeks, I breezed through my last pregnancy. my dh does virtually everything round the house and tells me off if I get involved. He says the priority is me not damaging myself more, (spd can continue post birth).

If he sprained his ankle and was on crutches, would he do the washing up? I doubt it. Would he expect to be run around after, I reckon so.

I'm sorry op but he sounds dreadful, the arguing, lack of support, pain and discomfort combined with being heavily pregnant may put you at risk of post natal depression too. Take care, if you were my dd I'd want you home.

OP, you're hanging on to an unworkable situation, because you wish it were different.

But he is NOT going to turn into a mature and helpful husband and father.
His mother will NOT stop trying to undermine you in order to win him back.

It's shit, but that's the situation.
It could so easily be different if he would just buck the fuck up, but he doesn't want to. Why would he, when he has a mummy to pet him and confirm to him that you are a bad woman not to cater to him as she does?

It will probably seem overwhelming to you to deal with your dead-end relationship while you are 8 months pregnant and in pain. I propose that the reason you are questioning your relationship now is precisely because you are 8 months pregnant and in pain, and his uselessness as a partner to you has been thrown in sharp relief.

You CAN throw him out now. Or move in to your mum's. Or wait till you've had your baby and his utter crapness as a father pushes you over the edge. Any time you choose, you can leave.

Good luck. You can do this. You won't have the happily-ever-after you dreamed of, but you will have your baby, and your self-esteem.

I am going through what you are atm OP apart from I'm on my 3rd child!

Every pregnancy I swear to myself I'll never get pregnant by him again but when the baby comes I seem to forget because he DOES help me, I don't know if it's because I don't really look pregnant even when I'm in my last trimester or it's because he thinks I'm made of steel (I've had 2 children with no pain relief ) BUT I wish for the love of god he would say to me 'you look tired go sit down', or I'll turn the to off and rub your back because you can hardly walk!'

Sorry I started the post to talk about my MIL but got side tracked my MIL has been walked all over by men her whole life and I find it the most frustrating thing in the whole world!

She's with a man now that does fuck all and allows her to do everything for him just like her first husband did and just like she did for her sons.

So my husband thinks he does a lot because the only thing he can compare it to is his life growing up my blood is boiling just writing it!

If washing up is "really not that hard, even on crutches" then how come it isn't even easier for the OP's H, who is not on crutches? All he's done is go to work, and most of us can manage a spot of washing up after we've been home for an hour or two no matter what kind of work we do or what kind of commute we've had. Anyway OP didn't say she couldn't wash up. She said she gave in and did it, in pain, because Mr "I'll do it in a minute", whose agreed chore it was, never did. So any hints she's milking it on mat leave can just feck off to the last century but one, thanks very much.

Hopefully a very sharp talk indeed will eventually sort his attitude out, otherwise there'll be an LTB somewhere in the future.

He does know how upset it makes you. Have you told him ? Yes . Does he have significant learning Difficulties ? I guess not .

He does know and he doesn't care . He is selfish and self centred . This does not make a good dad .

Please leave and go to your mothers . You are not well and you need looked after . Don't go back to him. Ever .

Op I hope you are ok and not despairing too much. Hopefully you can make him see sense.

Fwiw my DH had a parental set up like your DP's. She did everything, he cooked once (they were married for 30 years), and never changed a nappy (2 kids). Oh and got housekeeping money out of which she saved to buy stuff for the house. Surprise surprise they are now divorced.

My DH is smart, kind and caring so he figured out he needed to do his share. I also spelled it out because not being brought up to do chores I hadn't to teach him everything - how to cook, clean, laundry etc, and so he just isn't aware of what needs doing sometimes.

I had this with my exH after our first child was born. He was bloody useless. Very subtly, the implication was that I was doing very little all day so everything should fall to me.

Strangely enough, this level of selfishness led to him having an affair after our second child was born.

I also thought he was kind & caring as did everyone else. I realise now he was just very good at manipulating situations to make him look good. He wasn't all bad - just self-centred & completely lacking any self-awareness.

I am a single parent now & I am so glad that I'm not picking up after him all the time, or a seething ball of resentment because he was a lazy twat.

I'd cut my losses, Op & get out now. With his hideous family too, you are going to have a tough time.