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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP thinks I should be doing more now I'm on Mat Leave

151 replies

Icklepickle101 · 11/12/2015 21:52

Just had a heated discussion about household jobs with DP as I asked him to do the washing up before he goes to bed, he says he will do it tomorrow. This has been going on for months, he leaves it and leaves it until we have no clean plates/cups/pots/cutlery left and will then do some of it until 'the hot water runs out' or I get so fed up of living in a disgusting mess I do it myself.

The only other jobs he has is the bins, his own ironing and he will hoover the stairs for me about once a month

I do everything else.

He has now piped up that as I'm on maternity leave I should be doing the washing up as he is tired from work. The fact I'm on crutches, strong painkillers and 8 months pregnant didn't seem to be an issue as I had all day to 'relax'.

Am I wrong in sticking to my gins and continue nagging on a daily basis for him to wash up? I'm considering leaving him to do his own washing/cooking until he can take responsibility and do it daily as it's really starting to piss me off!!

OP posts:
abbieanders · 11/12/2015 22:42

What, she wants to continue having sex with him now that he's moved out with you? I don't want to judge, but I can't help it.

5madthings · 11/12/2015 22:42

What a load of shit.

My dh was brought up by a mum who did everything,my mil is lovely Btw but old fashioned I guess and very much believed her role was that of house/home keeper so dh hadn't been expected to do anything, he had of his own accord pitched in a bit

We met at uni and had ds1 at uni and both muddled along together. I had spd and he just got on with whatever needed doing. I haven't ever had to nag or moan re housework etc as he has eyes and a brain and xan see that shit needs doing and work out how to get on with it. I will say it was a steep learning curve for both of us, away at uni and then having a baby. But.like fuck would he have let me do everything it even dared to expect that! Which is of course why we are still together 17 years later... He is not an entitled sexist twat.

SuckingEggs · 11/12/2015 22:42

He needs to change or you're in for one hell of a time. Not in s remotely good way.

He's a spoilt brat!

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 11/12/2015 22:43

Does he have any friends w kids who do share the housework and childcare etc? Good if he could be influenced by them rather than his ridiculous mother...
Maybe you should show him this thread so he understands this is not normal?

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 11/12/2015 22:43

I do have SPD as well as hip dysplacia and a semi healed fractured sacroilliac joint, as horrible as it sounds if I could give him my pain for one day I think it would help him appreciate how difficult it is to clean up after him!

OP posts:
Maki79 · 11/12/2015 22:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the posters request.

BathtimeFunkster · 11/12/2015 22:44

You should go home to your mummy.

You need someone who actually loves you and will care for your right now.

It's not this ridiculous man baby.

You are so young.

You will meet a proper man one day. They are ace and they are brilliant at doing stuff and looking after themselves, and you when you need it.

You can't be a family with someone who is already trying to use your pregnancy to exploit you before the baby is even here.

You will be much better on your own.

SuckingEggs · 11/12/2015 22:45

Do not do his laundry. Fuck him. (not literally).

He's taking the utter piss.

LonelySatsuma · 11/12/2015 22:46

How are you going to wait on him hand and foot when you have an actual child to look after?

Maybe ask him that...

SuckingEggs · 11/12/2015 22:47

The early years can be tough. I recall feeling insane with exhaustion. I didn't get much done. Having a shower was a minor victory.

But my DH helped out. He didn't do everything by any means, but he helped when he was home.

hollyhobbie · 11/12/2015 22:49

My 8yo DS is more thoughtful than this - offers to run and get my inhaler if I'm coughing lots, reminds me to take it out with me when we leave the house.
He and his sister make their sandwiches every evening for school the next day.
Before they could read, I put coloured stickers on the washing machine so that they could set the dials to the right setting.

You need to get him to rethink his lifestyle ASAP. Showing him this thread is a good idea.

I wish you much luck and lots and lots of rest in the next few weeks :)

sleeplessinmybedroom · 11/12/2015 22:50

When I was heavily pregnant on crutches with spd I did nothing, Dp did everything as well as working long hours. Even my 9 year old Son could see how much pain I was in and would ask if he could do anything to help. You need to be resting. Now the baby is here Dp still pulls his weight even though I'm on maternity leave.

BathtimeFunkster · 11/12/2015 22:50

as horrible as it sounds if I could give him my pain for one day I think it would help him appreciate how difficult it is to clean up after him!

:( :( :( :(

Read that over and over again until you appreciate how horrific it is that you are enduring so much pain to clean up after an able bodied young man.

It is really, really fucked up that this is happening to you.

Please go home to your mother.

If you were my daughter I would feel sick to know this was your life.

pocketsaviour · 11/12/2015 22:53

His mother makes frequent comments about how unreasonable I am to expect any help around the house, it's a woman's job to 'run the house' and I should be grateful for what he does do and how he could 'go home to mummy's to be treated like a real man whenever he wanted'

Oooh, covert emotional incest from mummy and an entitled manchild, what an unusual combination, not.

TBH the housework is going to be the tip of the iceberg here. Even if he managed to make the supreme sacrifice of sticking his own skidmarked undies in the wash (for which feat you will be expected to applaud and drop your knickers in appreciation) you're still going to have the MIL from hell, and he's still going to believe every single thing in his life is more important than anything in yours.

"No, you do the washing up, because I'm watching Top Gear."
"No, I'm not putting the washing on, for fucks sake woman you're only in horrendous pain, I think you're forgetting I've been playing an exhausting game of FIFA all morning."
"Now darling, remember I did bath and bed one night last month, so I think you'll agree I need my downtime, right? Off to the pub, don't wait up."

Canyouforgiveher · 11/12/2015 22:54

His mother makes frequent comments about how unreasonable I am to expect any help around the house, it's a woman's job to 'run the house' and I should be grateful for what he does do and how he could 'go home to mummy's to be treated like a real man whenever he wanted' hmm

What age is his mother now - 85? Did she have him at 60? Presumably she is somewhere from 45-65. I have actually never heard a woman of that age say anything like this. I have never actually heard a real mother of adult sons use the phrase "treated like a real man" I am the mother of an adult son by the way.

I think you may have married into some weird shit there OP.

badg3r · 11/12/2015 22:58

My dh just said "Oh my god! Seriously what do guys do?! Oh I'm tired from work?!! What a dick! Seriously if he can't do that now, good luck when there's an actual baby around!"
He's right. Your dh needs to seriously pull his finger out his arse. Make him sleep in the spare room and pile all his dirty dishes, washing etc in there with him till he gets the idea.

lorelei9 · 11/12/2015 22:59

OP - another point - I don't really understand why you care what his mother thinks.

Look, this is your real actual life. You are pregnant, in pain and being asked to do more by your so-called "partner". Honestly, stop and think what to do next. I'm sorry to say I don't think a "this is how I feel" conversation will help. He clearly doesn't care how you feel.

You might need your mum to help you out and I do think you should have a chat with her about what is going on. I hope you are not supporting this man financially in any way? He needs to shape up or ship out. He might prefer to ship out, given that he can go back to mummy and be waited on hand and foot but then you won't be waiting on him and can concentrate on taking care of yourself and your baby.

cdtaylornats · 11/12/2015 23:02

Going to be a pretty messy house when he is on paternity leave

ReadyPlayerOne · 11/12/2015 23:04

I had my first baby when I was 23, DH 22. We weren't the most house proud folks or naturally tidy people then but we were an equal partnership. DH grew up with a mother who did everything because her husband and later her boyfriend did nothing. DH rejected that notion.

Your DP is how he is because he likes being that way. He is selfish and is showing how little he thinks of you and this set up is not ok. It's perfectly reasonable and right for you to want better for yourself and your baby. I take it you won't want to raise him or her with these outdated, unequal gender roles?

mrsmugoo · 11/12/2015 23:08

It doesn't bode well for when your baby arrives!

Sounds like the type to let you do all the night wakings and still expect to continue with all his hobbies, social life and weekend lie-ins.

Yes nip in the bud now.

Baconyum · 11/12/2015 23:08

"Make him sleep in the spare room and pile all his dirty dishes, washing etc in there with him till he gets the idea."at the very least!!

Sadly I think you've found yourself in an untenable situation here with in-laws (agree with pps dont just blame his mother his father is a lazy wanker too!- who is probably my generation by the way and i know nobody that thinks like this!) from hell and a lazy, selfish, entitled man-baby (I'm with the pps saying primary aged kids would KNOW better and can do more than this pathetic waste of space!). If there is to be any chance of a decent relationship/family life this needs stopped now!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/12/2015 23:24

"Otherwise he is a caring, loving and generous man and I know I mean the world to him, which makes it even worse as I don't think he realises how upset it makes me (despite lots of years and constant nagging!) and I do honestly think he would feel awful if he realised what a big deal it was to me,it just isn't a big deal to him."

He is not caring, loving and generous. What on earth makes you think that he is Confused?

Of course he realises how upset it makes you. He's got eyes to see your expression, hasn't he? Ears to hear your 'constant nagging'? A brain to put two and two together? He does realise. He just doesn't care. He doesn't think you being upset is important enough to him.

He does realise. And he doesn't feel awful about it at all.

On what planet would ANYONE expect someone on crutches and painkillers to stand at a sink doing dishes? None. Except perhaps for planet Selfishfucker.

"we've only been living together since July, before that we both lived with our parents."
Move back home to your parents. He doesn't see you as an equal partner, just a domestic appliance he can have sex with.

BlackeyedSusan · 12/12/2015 00:06

another vote for moving back in woth your mum. this guy and his parents are going to make your life hell. he will not be a partner but a burden.

MumCodes · 12/12/2015 00:16

I don't know whether or not you should move in with your mum, but I do think you should get a dishwasher. Probably missing point of thread

ouryve · 12/12/2015 00:29

Tell him he can take a break from cleaning up after himself (after all, the dishes aren't all yours) when he's growing a baby of his own. You're not his mum.

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