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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP thinks I should be doing more now I'm on Mat Leave

151 replies

Icklepickle101 · 11/12/2015 21:52

Just had a heated discussion about household jobs with DP as I asked him to do the washing up before he goes to bed, he says he will do it tomorrow. This has been going on for months, he leaves it and leaves it until we have no clean plates/cups/pots/cutlery left and will then do some of it until 'the hot water runs out' or I get so fed up of living in a disgusting mess I do it myself.

The only other jobs he has is the bins, his own ironing and he will hoover the stairs for me about once a month

I do everything else.

He has now piped up that as I'm on maternity leave I should be doing the washing up as he is tired from work. The fact I'm on crutches, strong painkillers and 8 months pregnant didn't seem to be an issue as I had all day to 'relax'.

Am I wrong in sticking to my gins and continue nagging on a daily basis for him to wash up? I'm considering leaving him to do his own washing/cooking until he can take responsibility and do it daily as it's really starting to piss me off!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 12/12/2015 09:01

Thank you to every single one of you Flowers

I had an awful night, after gettingn up for a wee in the middle of the night I sat in bed and realised this isn't the man I fell in live with and it definitely wasn't how I expected my life to turn out, being so unhappy in a relationship with so much commitment (baby, mortgage etc) at 20.

He has got up this morning and gone for a golf day and I'm putting some bits in a bag and going to see my mum, I miss her and I just want a cuddle Sad

I'm writing the man child a letter but he will probably come home drunk and it won't sink in what's happened until tomorrow morning, or maybe dinner time when he has to cook for himself.

SadSadSad

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 12/12/2015 09:04

It's like Wife Work Fucking Bingo in here -- AF

I'd call "House!", but then TobyWong would expect me to clean it.

frillybiscuits · 12/12/2015 09:05

Sounds like my exOH. Mummy wiped his arse until he moved in with me and couldn't do fuck all other than wash the pots since he does that at work. He used to take his washing to her if he didn't want to do it himselfHmm

I struggled with hypermesis and did everything in the house. He moaned saying he was more tired than me after work because I'd been at home all day. I just laughed because his job is piss easy and he mostly gets paid for standing around doing fuck all and having a laugh. I know because I used to do the same job. Petty fucker. I don't need an adult baby and neither do you OP

Lweji · 12/12/2015 09:05

It really is heart wrenching when we realise we can't go on with the person we thought we'd live forever with.

I hope he does take stock and has a bligh bulb moment. Sadly, given his nature, I'd predict it would be short term. Just until he feels comfortable again.

Take your time to think and evaluate your life and your relationship.

ArcticCactus · 12/12/2015 09:11

Pretty much unanimous on this one ...

I had spd during my pregnancy and it was crippling. Please, please do not push yourself physically - I am still in pain a few months after birth and I think permanent damage has been done.
Your dh is a selfish, lazy, useless lummox. If he cared about you he'd be pulling his weight around the house and making sure you weren't hurting yourself. Utterly shameful for an able bodied young man to be making a heavily pregnant woman with a fractured hip or back do the housework. I bet he's a real whinger when he's I'll isn't he? Slightest whiff of a cold and he's in bed? But you're on crutches and you have to do the housework because you've got a fucking uterus? Sod that for a lark. Useless, useless pathetic man child.

You can leave, you know- just because you've invested time in this man it doesn't mean you're stuck with him. There are men out there who can hold down a long hours, demanding job and still do the washing up, change nappies and get up in the night to sort the baby. Wouldn't you rather have one of them?

Time to talk to your little mummies boy I think. If he want a mummy to take care of him he can go back to his. Otherwise, he cuts the apron strings and does his fair share of the housework for his own house

It's maternity leave - I.e. For looking after the child, not becoming his serving wench,

lorelei9 · 12/12/2015 09:12

OP, that's the right thing to do, you need to be with someone who will look after you. Can you stay with your mum for a while?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 12/12/2015 09:12

Good for you IcklePickle Xmas Smile Go get pampered and find your head space.

I'm sorry to say, I think the man you fell in love with never existed. Not to say you were stupid for thinking the best of him! What that is is just having a lovely, kind nature. But sometimes it helps the healing to get rid of the illusion as fast as possible. And the reality you've got is that he's a man who's happy to see his pregnant, pain-ridden GF drag herself around to do more - not - less housework. There's not Thing One that's lovely about that.

Whenischristmas · 12/12/2015 09:20

You are only 20! Let your mum take care of you.

wannabestressfree · 12/12/2015 09:32

This thread has made me think about how little I ask my son's to do and how I need to rectify that....

Candlefairy101 · 12/12/2015 09:42

This thread has made me cry and that I need to get out, I can do three kids by myself? I'm pregnant and can hardly walk but the resentment everyday seems to be more of a pain.

Op get out now before it gets worse. Don't leave it and leave it like I have

Threefishys · 12/12/2015 10:11

Why do we do this? We see how these men have been pandered to and expect them to miraculously step up or change. IT WONT HAPPEN. I'm sure he adores you OP but he's used to having a woman wait on him end of. Do you want to be that woman? Because you could decide to do nothing and he will respect you even less than he does now because you've fallen short of his lifelong expectations of how a woman looks after a man. Get rid!

Whocansay · 12/12/2015 10:14

This guy has not yet grown up and is behaving like a child. He wants to play house, but doesn't understand that it should a partnership. You are not his skivvy. This is not how caring partners behave. Go back to your mum and let her look after you.

Given the fact he's just fucked of out on a golf day to get shitfaced when you are heavily pregnant with his child and in pain, I doubt very much he will improve. He won't be much help if you go into labour. A decent bloke wouldn't get drunk so close to your due date.

I'm really sorry OP. Real men don't behave like this. Flowers

PennyHasNoSurname · 12/12/2015 10:17

The problem is that even when you were both working he didnt even do his half then. So now you have more time at home he is clearly thinking "great now OP can dk it all"

He needs a fucking wake up call.

Id write every chore down and put your name next to half and his name next to half.

If that didnt work, and he remained a thoughtless bellend id send him back to his mothers. for good.

velvety55 · 12/12/2015 10:20

Not doing the washing up until there are no more plates left is passive aggression. My DH told me that household chores are just 'normal' and not a job. He is wrong. Household chores are a job and if he had to pay for them it would cost him around £20,000 a year. That's why I refuse to work full time - as he does none of these chores - you need to set similar boundaries if you can afford to. Stick to your guns on the washing up as after the baby is born, you'll be just as tired as he is.

MumCodes · 12/12/2015 10:31

I think people are being a little harsh. When I was 20 I was an idiot! Yes, he's being selfish and stupid but he's not too old to change his ways. And being crap at doing the dishes does not mean he'll be a crap dad! Be honest with each other and you could make it work! Good luck OP, and I still think you should buy a dishwasher.

Threefishys · 12/12/2015 10:40

Actually I second the dishwasher. If mine broke down I would actually cry real tears I think!

Whenischristmas · 12/12/2015 10:40

I do think pp there has a point about him being young. The set up you describe in your op made me assume you were mid-thirties. Years of nagging, mortgage, pregnancy, maternity leave, full time work.

I had left home at 20 (student) but could only just manage to keep myself clean and fed.

Maybe he is just too young to be settling down.

Whenischristmas · 12/12/2015 10:41

And there is a big difference between 28, say, and 20.

CharlotteCollins · 12/12/2015 10:48

Candlefairy, you already have 3 children. Ditch the adult one and you will be fine once the baby arrives. Continual resentment is so draining. You can escape it.

OP, glad you are going home to be treated as human! Think seriously about staying there until

  1. Your SPD has totally gone
  2. He has cleaned your house from top to bottom
  3. He has shown he understands what a fuckwit he's been
  4. He's come up with a plan (sharing out chores, which PP seem to think is another of your responsibilities)

And if that never happens, at least you can assume he'll be generous with child maintenance, seeing as he no doubt believes paying for the child's upkeep to be the man's responsibility. Hmm

Serioussteve · 12/12/2015 11:25

What an utter thundercunt he is.

You need him to wake the fuck up to reality or move back home.

He's unbelievable, just wow.

leaningtoweroflego · 12/12/2015 11:58

He's young so there is the possibility he still might wise up, or not, only time will tell.

Well done for making a stand.

My best friend went out with a guy who was crap at washing up and generally pulling his weight, but she was really into him. She's a fundamentally good person and assumed that beneath it all he was too.

Fast forward 15 years and they're getting divorced after years of her trying to make it work. Things like making him pay a cleaner to do his half of the chores, as a solution as asking / explaining begging him to help didn't work. And employing a home help to assist her for her 2nd and 3rd babies because after the first one he treated his paternity like a holiday, lounged around and didn't lift a finger despite her having had an emergency C section.

His selfishness extends to his DC too, they are her responsibility apparently. He's got his accountant to hide all his money and my friend is living is a tiny place with the DC, exhaused by working more than full time hours so she can scrape by while he swans about enjoying a new relationship.

Please don't choose that life.

He needs to shape up, now.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 12/12/2015 12:27

20! This pregnancy wasn't planned, was it?

I'm on mat leave (very early) with anemia and mild SPD. My DH (whose mother is very much the hands on type, her husband does fuck all mostly) ORDERS me to sit on the couch while he tidies up, cooks, cleans, etc, and when I open my mouth to apologise for not doing much, he tells me to stop. THAT is a husband. THAT is a father (to be).

Hope you find some peace and clarity at your mum's, OP.

Joysmum · 12/12/2015 12:36

Who gives a fuck if he's young and MIGHT change.

No point in time investing years in something that might not happen. It's up to him to prove to her that he's worthy of her.

I'd like to think the OP going to her mums would be a wake up call and her partner is one of the good guys that just needed to be jolted to realise he's completely lacking as a man.

If he doesn't, cut him off sooner rather than later.

TPel · 12/12/2015 13:01

Well done OP.

You have made a very sensible choice.

Castrovalva · 12/12/2015 13:57

threefishys

That happened to us. Dishwasher broke down irreparably one Saturday afternoon. DH, whose jobs include the dishes and laundry went pale.

We went to Currys to replace it and I overheard him saying to the assistant 'yeah ours broke down and I just can't manage without'

Assistant is all sympathetic and asks how long we've been managing without one

DH looks at his watch and says straightfaced '45 minutes'
And meant it.

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