DP thinks I should be doing more now I'm on Mat Leave

[Icklepickle101]

Just had a heated discussion about household jobs with DP as I asked him to do the washing up before he goes to bed, he says he will do it tomorrow. This has been going on for months, he leaves it and leaves it until we have no clean plates/cups/pots/cutlery left and will then do some of it until 'the hot water runs out' or I get so fed up of living in a disgusting mess I do it myself.

The only other jobs he has is the bins, his own ironing and he will hoover the stairs for me about once a month

I do everything else.

He has now piped up that as I'm on maternity leave I should be doing the washing up as he is tired from work. The fact I'm on crutches, strong painkillers and 8 months pregnant didn't seem to be an issue as I had all day to 'relax'.

Am I wrong in sticking to my gins and continue nagging on a daily basis for him to wash up? I'm considering leaving him to do his own washing/cooking until he can take responsibility and do it daily as it's really starting to piss me off!!

The dishwasher here, as I mentioned earlier, is a red herring.

He didn't think of getting one, did he? His reaction was just to pass on his work to the little woman, who happens to be at home, despite being at home for being incapacitated. Details, details.

Castrovalva
Your husband went to get the dishwasher because he felt responsible for washing the dishes. Unlike OP's husband.

The problem is his attitude, not appliances.

I second the 'sensible choice made'.

I'm so sorry things have turned out this way Icklepickle. I hope you're on a sofa with your feet up, sated with cuddles from your mum. Right now you need physical and emotional support, and your mum's is where you will get it.

When he contacts you, stay strong. You gave him the chance to be the man he fooled you into believing he was, every day you lived together. Every day, he preferred to be the man he actually was. It's possible he could change, but he needs to prove that he can not just promise it. It's also possible, probable even, that he won't ever change.

Best wishes.

My own dad is 80 and doesn't allow us to fill the dishwasher, or barely lift the table, or empty said dishwasher. He took us on holiday by himself sometimes when we were children. He does most of the daily shopping.
My mum cooks and does clothes. Most of the rest is for the weekly cleaner.

yes I also have a MIL who did everything. DH on the other hand thinks it's ridiculous that FIL can't even boil an egg, and we share everything 50/50 because he is actually a decent, caring person.

In terms of him being 20 and might change/grow up, that's true but how long do you wait? The baby is due in a month, at which point Ickle will be forced to be grown up (not that she doesn't seem it already IYKWIM), how long does he get to defer it for? If they had just moved in, no baby then yes you could wait it out. But the point is here there isn't time for that, it's a kind of 'now or never' step-up situation.
I hope you are at your mum's now OP, being loved and spoiled.

I am so glad you have made this decision op - you truly don't need to settle for someone who won't be a partner in your life and care for you, or someone who thinks you can be their mother.

It doesn't matter what his DM thinks, or she is happy to live her life. Ignore all that, it's just white noise.

It matters what you think and what your dp think. He's a nightmare. When you have the baby, make sure it's your surname on the cert. For ease at school and later life, travel outside UK etc.

Does he really think his DM is font of knowledge re women etc? (!)

He's been awful- even if you weren't pregnant it's awful. it's interesting you knew he was like that and still had a baby with him- but it's done now and all you can do is protect yourself and your child from years of shit from him and controlling shit from his DM. See a solicitor and find out what to do to minimise the bullshit that's coming your way. Stay calm and

And your DM sounds lovely. Is she on mn?:)

Only return if he reflects and sees the error of his old ways. However I'm fully expecting his mother to swoop in and interfere.

I probably would only return with conditions attached. So he has to cook (proper meals) Sunday & Thursday (you'll show him how to do a roast but he can look at simple recipes on line), he washes/drys up up the other days WITHOUT FAIL after the meal, he hoovers the whole house every Tuesday, puts the bins out weekly and changes/washes/makes the beds fortnightly on alternate Saturdays and irons his own clothes. When the baby comes (or when ever you are ill), he will need to step up to the mark and pull more weight because you are a partnership. You are not an unpaid maid.

Also ask him to put his mother in her place when she makes comments. He can just say 'it's not the 1950's' or 'it's different for men these days'

Establishing routine is key. My DH works 6am till 7pm. I do all the childcare/work very partime. He washes up daily mid week and does loads more at weekends.

Also he has to change nappies. Men like your DH can expect never to change one.

I'm worried for you. Once you have a baby, you'll need him to help. Unless he realises (not through reading this thread as you will need MN to offload and shouldn't risk him coming on to see your posts in future) that he should be helping you, it's going to be a tough ride for you.

"you'll show him how to do a roast but he can look at simple recipes on line"

Why should OP show him how to do a roast? DH and I both learnt from Nigella's books when we shacked up together, didn't know how when we were 20!

It's not so much that he needs to "help" you, though. It's not your responsibility. It's his too.

My MIL is different to some mothers metioned on here in that she does all the housework and child rearing etc, but she is quite obviously unhappy with that situation and glad that DH doesn't follow the example set to him. The only thing her DP does is the shopping and that's only because he wants to buy nothing but shitty junk food crap what he wants.
Mind you MIL has had years of her oldest 3 DCs telling her that she should put her foot down with her DP and insist on more help. Or get rid of the lazy fucker. She's doing better and standing up for herself more, but she's got three decades on you OP. You've got to put yourself first now before it gets harder. Hope you're ok.

My MIL is a bit like yours OP, however the attitude my DH seems quite different.

My MIL is 71. Since she married in the early 60's she never worked. She doesn't drive, and does absolutely everything around the house. She ridiculously tidy. She comes to my house and while she comments favourably that I cook an evening meal (I like cooking) she'll regularly run her finger over shelves checking for dust (and regularly finding it!) comments all the time that I just don't do any house work and she can hardly 'see' the house.

The truth is - we have 11 and 8 yr old dcs. Clutter is the bain of our lives. However most of the de-cluttering, tidying, washing, laundry, hoovering, DIY is done by DH with no involvement from me. I'm self employed and work long hours. I manage to fit in picking up the kids from school and child logistics, attending parent evenings and school events. I manage the food shopping and cook most nights. I frequently go back to work in the evenings. My MIL has no concept of what I do. I earn proper money that equals DH, but she thinks I have a 'little hobby'. I've long since let it go over my head.

Why the difference in my DH's attitude? DH went to college and lived on his own for a good 6 years before we even met. Understandibly, this erases any "women do everything in the home" attitude that would probably have flourished if he hadn't moved out.

I agree you need to be with your mum. I had surgery last year and I was told off by my DH for even reaching up to a top shelve to get a tin!
Look after yourself. I hope your DH educates himself soon x

I really feel for you, a horrible disappointing situation. I don't think this is his mums fault he's a grown up. DH was brought up in a household similar situation to your DPs and he would never request such a thing. We have two kids and both work full time. Everything is shared 50/50. He's not "good" he's an adult with a joint responsibility for our household/family. We are a team.
You do not need to put up with this his mothers opinions are irrelevant he makes his own choices and you decide what is exceptable for YOU.
Good luck

You have a joint mortgage with him?

Get some legal advice asap.

One reason i worked full time until I went into labour... you don't get lumbered with domestic jobs.

I hope you are ok OP.

I have v bad PGP and feel like crying a lot of the time. However DH is amazing and does everything. Cooking , cleaning, looking after DS1.

I really hope you can get through to your dp (if that is what you want) and that he understands what a partnership is all about.

Not relevant, Deo, as OP has SPD and is on crutches.

The telling point is that he won't even pick up his game temporarily. That isn't just laziness, gender stereotyped expectations of housework divisions or learned hopelessness - it's a lack of empathy and love. He's learned from his own Dad that it's easier to get what you want from a woman if you don't actually love her.

I worked until I went into labour. Literally, was still at my desk.

But even if I had quit the day I got a positive pregnancy test, my DH still would not have turned into a lazy dickhead expecting me to wait on his hand and foot.

My DH barely knew how to do anything when we got together, he soon learned he accepted that I wasn't his mother and that I expected him to pull his weight in every way!!!

Read "wifework" it's a real eye opener.