Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When people want to sleep with you but not stay with you

168 replies

CocoaPopz · 04/12/2015 17:48

Just wanted to ask a bit about this and what makes a man or person see you as a long term goal rather than a short term conquest?

I struggle quite a lot with it as I feel like I am the girl everyone wants to sleep with and no one wants to marry.

I am constantly being propositioned. By married men, by friends, messages from old school friends, the postman.

No, I am not abnormally good looking
Dont have an amazing body
I don't flirt or lot or act overtly sexual
I don't dress provocatively
I don't sleep around (one person in 2015)
I don't have a "reputation"

Whatever the situation, the same thing happens and I get chased and propositioned all the time; yet the ones I do select to go on dates with or have relationships with generally lose interest :(

I worry there's something wrong with me :(

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 04/12/2015 17:55

How old are you? Have you ever been in a LTR?

Women in general do get propositioned a lot. There are just some men who will hit on huge amounts of women. If you are selecting your dating partners from the men who randomly hit on you, that's probably why you're striking out - because they only want a quick shag and then they're off to the next one.

ChippyOik · 04/12/2015 18:00

I don't have strangers/acquaintances putting this to me, but the two men I thought might have been open to a relationship with me, it turned out all they wanted was sex. And they weren't the first. I'm so normal, but funnier Grin and I'm independent, content, outgoing, solvent, clever, classy :-p

I can't understand it. How do other women get a relationship with the man they like when all I get is the shabby crappy "we're both adults and we're both attracted to each other speech".

springydaffs · 04/12/2015 18:04

Depressing isn't it.

It's not you, it's them. People generally have to pay for what they want from you.

They can go fuck themselves. Iyswim.

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 04/12/2015 18:08

I'm not sure I phrased it quite right to explain. I'm 34.

I don't mean they proposition me, actually I rarely get propositioned on a night out, as much as they form obsessions. This past year at least 10 men have formed complete fixations on me, and get sort of desperate to have me. With some men this goes on for years, even though I say I'm not interested.

The ones I do form a reciprocal interest in, almost always go off me as soon as they have me :(

Yes, I have had LTRs, but the person stayed obsessed with me for the duration.

So what i mean is that people sort of obsess and fixate on me but don't really love me or care about me.

A few have proposed, but I don't think they really loved me properly. Like the way my friends husbands do.

I'm not sure if it's something wrong with me or not. I could understand if I was amazingly pretty but I'm really not! I find it hard to figure out what they want from me; but for some reason i represent this fantasy for them and each one of them has "never felt this way before".

i feel very lonely and tired and a bit used, despite not sleeping with hardly anyone I do sometimes feel a bit invisible.

It gets worse, not less as I get older.

OP posts:
sparklesnpearls · 04/12/2015 18:09

Yeah I have same problem...Hmm

Hoping my new guy of 2 dates ain't going to go this way too. He coming to my house as can hardly ever get a sitter. Little one be asleep in bed. He keeps hinting at us having sex but then will say in next text can wait...

Men eh ...

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 04/12/2015 18:15

I have a date tonight and I'm groaning internally :(

OP posts:
Justaboy · 04/12/2015 18:23

I bet 10 quid that your doing on-line dating. It seems from all i read about it it's just a hook up system for a leg over most all the time.

I don't think many would disagree?.

And i think I know why this might be happening.

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 04/12/2015 18:59

No it doesn't matter how or where I meet them.

This happens to me all the time.

Why do you think it happens?

OP posts:
ChippyOik · 04/12/2015 19:20

I don't know cocoa. I was reading on mindbodygreen earlier that men tend to see women either as a woman they'd date or a woman they'd sleep with and they make that decision quickly and it rarely changes.

I'm quite 'classy' in how I dress and I'm very independent. So at the risk of sounding like I'm offending other women's dress sense or greater need for company and approval from men, I'm surprised really, that it seems acceptable to men to suggest this.

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 04/12/2015 20:24

I know that stuff makes a diferrence, but I don't think I do anything to bring it about.

I am a career woman, do very well
Nice home, lots of friends
Not a big drinker, not many wild nights out anymore
I don't dress in short or revealing clothes, but am quite feminine and don't really wear trousers much
I'm not overtly sexual as far as I know, more like one of the boys in a lot of ways.

Men say I remind them of Nigella Lawson. Look and dress and speak a bit like her so maybe it arouses some porn fantasy :(

What annoys me is that they get so obsessed and don't really seem to want to get to know me if they actually get the chance. They start acting flaky.

I feel a bit like the fantasy of me is a lot better than the reality, which is an awful way to feel.

I was just chatting to one on text who earlier in the year was telling me I was definitely "the one" and he could not stop thinking about me and how he was certain about it. I'd gone on a few dates with him and wasn't sure but he was very nice, then after these declarations of devotation he sort of tapered off and is now seeing someone else and very happy families with her.

I asked him why (not that I liked him that way but wanted to know) and he said that I was one of the most beautiful women he'd ever met and that I was funny and infectious and addictive and he'd found himself feeling very strongly, but that he felt he'd had to keep me at arms length because it seemed I had underlying issues which might make me not a safe long term bet.

I'm not sure what that means though :(

I do have underlying issues of maybe getting a bit hot and cold and difficult to get close to; but once you do I think I am very wamr and open :(

OP posts:
TheCuriousOwl · 04/12/2015 21:34

I'm watching this with interest as this is pretty much me. 34, same sort of reaction from men.

I'd love to know what it is that makes me 'not good enough'.

Justaboy · 04/12/2015 21:47

CocoaPopz Well my theory is summed up by Sir Harold Macmillan when he he once said,

"You've never had it so good"

Well that was around 1950 something, but in their dating world there has never been so much choice. We have several dating sites and you can see on another thread that some of the ladies here are dating far more than what they used to years ago.

Take an extreme example. Our family tree started around 1760 odd at that time boy would meet girl from a nearby village and then have children around 10 or more most would die out but the survivors would then meet and mate in a very small area. There wasn't that much choice.

Now with the net, mobile phones Soulmates Tinder Match etc there is probably too much choice. I note a few posters said I'm dating this one that one can't fit that one in this week, then next week its three dates etc.

We never had that many to chose from back then. Allied to this most all of you seem to be far more picky that when you used to be . I remember the other day a woman turned a bloke down as he couldn't spell correctly!. I ask you?

We also live in a throwaway society. In my pocket is a Nokia mobile its now 7 years old it does what I need of it is a telephone and it works very well doing that. I do not need a smart phone i have laptop its some years old it runs well and meets my needs. My car is some years old it drives fine. I have no need to change it for another one it isn't anywhere near worn out as yet. However a lot of younger people not must have the latest model the latest iphone, trainers and perhaps girls too?

Might not be the reason for you cocopops I think reading between the lines you might just might be seen as a threat to most men. Nothing wrong with that at all its just what comes across and the only way we have to measure and evaluate that is how you write. I haven't spoken to you, met you, and am not likely to I'm waaay too old for a start but that's the impression I have.

Some men find that too uncomfortable for them.

Also some of us do tend to see a woman as a sex object, sad but it does happen:-(

Justaboy · 04/12/2015 21:50

TheCuriousOwl CocoaPopz

That "not good enough" might just be too good for the likes of me?.

The me being the men your meeting.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2015 21:51

I think your problem is you are hooking up with twats

Justaboy · 04/12/2015 21:52

As she does AF tells it right.

Russellgroupserf · 04/12/2015 22:08

What do you say to these men when they reference Nigella? Many years ago someone told me I looked like Demi Moore, I was not remotely flattered as I am me not her and it just meant no more dates with you fella me lad.

What are your interests op?

springydaffs · 04/12/2015 22:08

A lot of twats about though AF Confused

AnyFucker · 04/12/2015 22:09

Yep. Ten of them last year. Apparently. All falling in obsessive love with the OP.

Justaboy · 04/12/2015 22:10

Whoops!! pressed the send key too soon meant to add the obvious that OLD has more than its fair share of them.

pocketsaviour · 04/12/2015 22:13

he felt he'd had to keep me at arms length because it seemed I had underlying issues which might make me not a safe long term bet.

I think you need to ask him to be clearer, OP. I know it's awkward and embarrassing, but you need to know if you're doing/saying something which is throwing up red flags. If this keeps happening over and over, there is obviously something going on, which you are unaware of.

Of course if it turns out to be "You told me to stop fucking interrupting and mansplaining modern feminism to you" then you know you are well rid of a bucket of twats Grin

DrMorbius · 04/12/2015 22:48

ChippyOik - I was reading on mindbodygreen earlier that men tend to see women either as a woman they'd date or a woman they'd sleep with

^^ I think this is true with a minor change, I think most men see women they would date or women they would not date. But will sleep with both.

ChippyOik · 04/12/2015 22:49

oh yes, I meant that, that goes without saying.........

MissApple · 04/12/2015 22:51

This could be me OP. Once they start going on about 'Im always thinking about you' blah blah blah, you know youre on to a loser. My last boyfriend who I took a real chance on - ended up being a right twat. Gave the impression of a great bloke, but in reality he wasn't.

ChippyOik · 04/12/2015 22:52

"Also some of us do tend to see a woman as a sex object, sad but it does happen:-("

for fucks sake you justaboy make it sound like being five pounds over weight. It's not a little foible that we all have to accept if we're to "figure men out". We can avoid these 'men'. You're one of them.

Muddlewitch · 04/12/2015 23:00

I think it's maybe because you are independent etc, men see it as a challenge and want to be the one to 'catch' you. But then when they think you have they are looking to the next challenge.

I am single mum of 4 and absolutely do not want a relationship - this appears to make me fascinating to men who I don't think for a second actually want me they just want to be the one that changes my mind, to prove something to themselves/other men.

In other words, it's their issue, not yours.