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Original poster

When people want to sleep with you but not stay with you

168 replies

CocoaPopz · 04/12/2015 17:48

Just wanted to ask a bit about this and what makes a man or person see you as a long term goal rather than a short term conquest?

I struggle quite a lot with it as I feel like I am the girl everyone wants to sleep with and no one wants to marry.

I am constantly being propositioned. By married men, by friends, messages from old school friends, the postman.

No, I am not abnormally good looking
Dont have an amazing body
I don't flirt or lot or act overtly sexual
I don't dress provocatively
I don't sleep around (one person in 2015)
I don't have a "reputation"

Whatever the situation, the same thing happens and I get chased and propositioned all the time; yet the ones I do select to go on dates with or have relationships with generally lose interest :(

I worry there's something wrong with me :(

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 05/12/2015 12:04

OP, I get where you're coming from. I have kind of a Nigella thing too (I'm nowhere near as attractive, and a lot less posh than her, but I have a similar slightly exotic voluptuousness about me) and I can say in my entire life (I'm now early 40s) I've met one man who's actually GENUINELY liked me for me, and that's my bf who I met last year.

Every other bloke liked what they thought I was. They never cared about, or were interested in the real me. I was either a conquest, or something a bit scary. It was all men - from guys I met through work (middle class professionals earning 6 figure salaries) to ones I met through friends, or even in the pub. It really made no difference who they were or their background/class/education.

I used to be a bit aloof, make men work hard, and like you say, they lost interest after they 'caught' me. As I grew older I became more open, but it didn't make any difference - if anything it sped up the process.

I was told by MANY men I wasn't girlfriend or marriage material. This is nothing to do with OD (although I think the growth of OD, and the whole sweetshop mentality has made this much more prevalent), as it was being said to me 20 years ago when I'd never been near a dating site! Loads of men fancied me. The ones who wanted a relationship with me, I can literally count on one hand (I've only had 3 relationships which lasted more than a few months). They all ended up with women a bit more middle of the road than me, more in their comfort zone I guess.

I know in my early 20s I'd already been told so many times I wouldn't make a 'wife' I saw my inevitable destiny as a rich man's mistress Blush. Thankfully it didn't turn out like that. But it did take me til 42 to actually have a decent, normal relationship!

I can't give you an answer to stopping it happening. You have to meet the right man, one who's interested in you, in all your facets, and doesn't just make a judgment based on what he thinks you're like. They do exist, there just don't seem to be that many of them, if my experience is anything to go by.

bodenbiscuit · 05/12/2015 12:15

There are so many messed up people around who just aren't capable of holding down a relationship. I've noticed it a lot. It's very unfortunate and I think as we get older all the decent men were married off long ago.

bodenbiscuit · 05/12/2015 12:17

The thing is though that most women on online dating sites are not interested in men who just want to use them for sex so the sweet shop thing isn't quite true. Certainly, some men pretend they want a relationship and then disappear. But probably they would do that with people they met in RL too.

OhYesToYestyn · 05/12/2015 12:26

I wonder how soon do the ones you like lose interest, OP? do you tend to have similar interests, or do you always feel that it's all about sexuality for them? Maybe get to know some of the men you don't instantly lust over, as it's possible that you choose the wrong type of guy, possibly looking to be nothered, i.e. they want a 'safe bet' wife, instead of finding a friend/soulmate in a woman. Try dating more mature ones?

OhYesToYestyn · 05/12/2015 12:26

*mothered

Want2bSupermum · 05/12/2015 12:33

I hated dating in the UK. My filter was to not sleep with them for six months. I also refused to have a second date with a guy to invited himself in.

I moved to NYC when I was 25 and met Danish DH. He was very respectful and a true gentleman. While he isn't the perfect DH, I am not the perfect DW so I can't complain too much.

Dating in NYC was fun. I dated a bunch of guys and they were all respectful. My friends who are successfully dating now use Eharmony. They say the men are good quality on the whole as there is quite a bit of work involved.

expatinscotland · 05/12/2015 12:35

Dating in the US was so bad I moved to Scotland. Hated it. If, God forbid, something happened to DH I truly CBA'd again. Too much weirdos and creeps and fuckwits.

Justaboy · 05/12/2015 12:45

springydaffs This Porn stuff that's around, surely anyone with any sense can see its just acting, nothing more. It's not erotic and its nothing like what real loving sex can be.

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 05/12/2015 13:14

Thanks for those who are sharing they've had similar. Helps me feel less like a leper.

I'd say obviously something changes in me when I like a man back: Obviously at the start stage, I'm aware I can "have my pick" and so I am very confident, very cool, chilled out and quite casual and fun. When I start to like them back, I change a bit. Become more insecure. Maybe that is what it is...would make sense perhaps????

I'd say they don't always lose interest when they "get me", some stay very interested. I dated one last year who stayed for 5 month who in fairness felt the relationship had more potential than I did.

They lose interest when I like them back or develop feelings so maybe it is me and my behavior. Maybe I come on too strong at that point :(

Typically I'd say they chase for a while. That can range from between a few weeks and a few years (really, sometimes years) and then we have our first date. They almost always want a second date, so I am doing okay on that front. If we date a few times it is generally always at the point I start to think I actually like this guy that they go completely off me and stop calling as much which creates a chain reaction in me where I feel less and less lovable.

I don't really have any confidence :( mayeb that is showng through and they see me at first as sexy, confident and together and then see me as quite diferrent.

I won't say that's a 100% always situation, but largely is the case and has happenned recently, with one who I liked very much who I felt really liked me and who chased me for a veyr long time, but he started banging on about not wanting a relationship as soon as we were in one :(

I have a paranoia that men make me a fantasy in their mind and then when they get me they are disappointed, and perhaps when I feel like that I will be sending out the wrong signals.

I wish I felt a bit more loveable in myself! Even the men who have proposed to me (have been four) I genuinely did not feel like they really knew me or understood me in the same way my friends and family do :(

OP posts:
OhYesToYestyn · 05/12/2015 13:40

they see me at first as sexy, confident and together and then see me as quite different.
yep it's very similar in my case too. I'd say I'm generally sexually much more confident than I am when in love, become insecure/vulnerable etc so it's not a game, it does reflect complexity I have. But it's also true that I hide the real me too much at the beginning which I shouldn't.
But then again, surely most women, even those who don't project 'cool and sexy' at first, also feel similar - I 'm sure men also become softer and less secure when in love! So it's interesting why is it much more accepted in less visually sexy women as they do tend to have caring kind partners, more often than the sexy types (eve look at poor Nigella who was with that controlling twat).
I'm struggling at what the answer is - I think it's to be softer and not so cool from the start, show some vulnerability srtaight off (but not too much).
In other words change the habitual protective veneer/persona to show more of your real personality, even if it makes you feel exposed. I've started trying that, so far early days, but at least I do find it's much easier to start friendships wit men this way. I have noticed that men warm up to softer women more, while they might fancy the intimidating ones. There are men who would only go for an LTR with someone very strong but then she tends to be genuinely strong and secure and possibly not as romantic/emotionally needy. So yes - clear message is the way, rather than being two different women in one. And yes there are guys who can handle complexity, but they are in minority rare and you have to reciprocate, so a needle in haystack!

Want2bSupermum · 05/12/2015 15:29

expat sadly i think my experience is a cultural shift. The guy I dated for a month in London was 9 years older than me. If I had stayed in the UK I wouldn't have bothered with my peer group. The men seemed to have wierd ideas around sex, such as not waiting past the 2nd date or not fully grasping the concept that buying drinks didn't mean I owed them sexual favours.

Want2bSupermum · 05/12/2015 15:30

I forgot to add that the good ones go early. By the end of university the good guys were taken and it was very slim pickings from what was left.

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 05/12/2015 16:21

It's all some good insight for me to think about.

I am comign to a point of feeling that it's true that the good ones are gone at a younger age!

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 05/12/2015 16:43

I agree with you Want2b everyone I know that has a decent relationship met their dh at university. Including me, but sadly my marriage didn't work out :(

ChippyOik · 05/12/2015 16:54

Who'd use a dating site to get sex? getting sex is so easy. I'd go to a local bar and send a round of drinks over to a large table of men and get chatting to them................... and see what happened next if that's what I wanted.

So, these men who look for casual sex on a dating site (not tinder) I wonder how much success they have Confused

bodenbiscuit · 05/12/2015 17:06

Getting sex is easy for women, but not for men. And the men who use dating sites to get sex tend to have some reason why they don't find it so easy in rl

expatinscotland · 05/12/2015 17:18

'Getting sex is easy for women, but not for men'

Especially when the men are totally delusional in the women they hit on. I've had several men who are 18-20 years older than I am, pot bellied, married, who seemed to be under the impression they can get me. I'm no Charlize Theron, but I'm 44, married to a 38-year-old, fit and just never in a million years would I go with someone like that.

bodenbiscuit · 05/12/2015 18:10

Expat Grin I know exactly what you mean.

christmascracker2015 · 05/12/2015 18:17

It sounds like you don't act like yourself at the start and instead try to act like what you think men like?

Justaboy · 05/12/2015 20:29

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.

RedMapleLeaf · 05/12/2015 20:41

NC fail?

springydaffs · 05/12/2015 21:20

surely anyone with any sense can see its just acting,

Erm I don't think sense is involved so much when viewing porn! We're all impressionable, susceptible to stuff like this making a strong subliminal impression. Especially when we are otherwise engaged...

I've had the goggle-eyed/drop away in miniature recently. I went on a walk and a guy made it immediately obvious he was keen. Very easy company, we clicked well. But I thought he was too young and i just enjoyed the attention myself, enjoyed his company, not thinking anything much would come of it. When we all went for the post-walk drink he took off his hat - wow! Definitely the right age, all good! My admiration must have shown somehow bcs he completely lost interest after the pub. I was dropped forthwith.. He couldn't have made it more obvious.

Easy to take this stuff personally but I really really think it's nothing to do with us, a great deal to do with projection. Yy dispiriting - but feeling dispirited is bad enough without taking it personally.

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 05/12/2015 21:23

No that's someone else.

It sounds like you don't act like yourself at the start and instead try to act like what you think men like?

Actually I think it's the opposite. The way I am, quite chilled and funny and relaxed is more like the "real" me that would be how I was with friends. I do have a soft and open and kind and vulnerable side that comes out slowly but I think what is actually the problem is that as soon as I like someone I lose all confidence.

Maybe that's just answered my question. There's nothing going to send someone running for the hills than someone who loses all confidence, is there?

OP posts:
springydaffs · 05/12/2015 21:23

Justaboy, what are you on about? You're a man.

see, typical woman: easily doubt myself

Want2bSupermum · 05/12/2015 21:24

I think the issue is that teenagers are watching it now. We grew up learning about sex via Cosmo and more magazines. The next generation and learning via porn which is totally not based in any sort of reality. At least with Cosmo and more magazine there was an emphasis on all steps that both sides like and not just on what men like.

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