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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When people want to sleep with you but not stay with you

168 replies

CocoaPopz · 04/12/2015 17:48

Just wanted to ask a bit about this and what makes a man or person see you as a long term goal rather than a short term conquest?

I struggle quite a lot with it as I feel like I am the girl everyone wants to sleep with and no one wants to marry.

I am constantly being propositioned. By married men, by friends, messages from old school friends, the postman.

No, I am not abnormally good looking
Dont have an amazing body
I don't flirt or lot or act overtly sexual
I don't dress provocatively
I don't sleep around (one person in 2015)
I don't have a "reputation"

Whatever the situation, the same thing happens and I get chased and propositioned all the time; yet the ones I do select to go on dates with or have relationships with generally lose interest :(

I worry there's something wrong with me :(

OP posts:
Original poster
CocoaPopz · 05/12/2015 21:25

Thinking about it, when I am with friends or someone I am seeing that I don't really like yet, I feel confident, calm, happy and fun. When I do really like them I get quite panicky.

Have been at thinking about this all day and I do that. So maybe that is why they stop phoning and pull away.

OP posts:
SSargassoSea · 05/12/2015 21:44

You have a career but other than that does your social life revolve around finding mister right.

There were relationships before the internet. You sort of bumped into people, met them at work, a friend of a friend. So you had a lot of time between when you did other stuff.

Thank god that was my life, this all sounds exhausting. And if you are meeting a friend of a friend, or similar, you have some inkling of what type of person they will be. Random men from online is bound to be trickier I would think. So perhaps it's the system and not you OP.

springydaffs · 05/12/2015 21:50

Glad you said that thing about panicky (well, not glad, exactly) bcs I was thinking, rather than 'losing confidence', you're actually frightened.

Perfectly understandable imo! Someone who doesn't hang around when you get that dip are not interested in you but the image/ package. Which you don't want anyway.

So look at it like this - you found out early he's a dick.

DeoGratias · 05/12/2015 22:26

Might it be age? The men I meet usually want to settle down (I am proably older than you are as I was married for 20 years). These men have probably had a family and so are looking for a new long term partner. If you are dating younger men or men who don't have children yet and may not like long term relationships perhaps that's why they don't want to stick around?

Perhaps go for someone who already has a family or is a bit older if you can cope with the complication of step children (which is no issue for me as I have my own children already so is fine by me).

springydaffs · 05/12/2015 23:29

(which is no issue for me as I have my own children already so is fine by me).

Oh dear. I'm not sure you've quite got a handle on the step-parenting/blended family thing, Deo

OhYesToYestyn · 05/12/2015 23:54

OP, well yes 'panicky' looks like 'vulnerable'. How do you show it' do you think? Do you start asking them anxious questions? or is it written all over your face? Maybe to start with it's a good idea to hide that emotion until you can see that he is really interested. But show vulnerability in other ways, i.e. respond to caring gestures. I still think you might be going for a wrong immature sort who are looking for a strong motherly type of wife..

expatinscotland · 06/12/2015 00:02

I'd advise anyone childfree and single to avoid the net at all costs. I tried it a couple of times way back when, like 15 years ago. It was shite even then. Was far easier to go to the bar down the road and pick up someone, at least you knew what they looked like for real that way.

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 06/12/2015 00:09

The youngest I have dated the last 2 years has been 27, the oldest has been 45. Have dated people with children, without children, divorced, never married. Dated people I met online, met at work, met through friends.

I've got an awareness that a lot of the good ones are taken, and that the barrel is a bit emptier than it once was - but I did also still have this problem when I was 25 too.

I'm reading a few books in my bed, and "Mr Unavailable and the Fallout Girl" is hitting a few nerves and I am wondering if the problem is not me just attaching to unavailable people.

OP posts:
Original poster
CocoaPopz · 06/12/2015 00:11

OhYes

I don't know how I show it, but I feel it, so it must come across. I suppose I start to chase a little bit perhaps...ask questions a bit!

OP posts:
SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 06/12/2015 00:11

This is one of the most depressingly sexist threads I have ever read.Sad men this men that. If people generalised about women or any other group in this way I'd be Shock ffs not all men watch porn. Not all men only want sex (some don't want it at all). Etc. Etc. I never thought I'd have to say this, thos way round..men, they are people just like women

expatinscotland · 06/12/2015 00:15

I used to go out with men who only matured when they were in their 40s. As i was the same age, that was never going to work because I wanted children. My ex h was only 3 years older than I was, but, when I was 28 and he was 31 he declared that he never wanted any children. We separated but stayed married for 2 more years and yep, he still never wanted kids and had a vasectomy. After that, it was twat after twat.

I met DH through a friend. He was only 24 when we met, but when he put the moves on me, I made it clear I was after marriage and kids or nothing. He stepped up and proposed.

I was going for the wrong guys. So you could be on to something there.

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 06/12/2015 00:17

I have met some lovely men who are not obsessively watching porn or trying to get sex or unable to commit but I think a larger proportion of those are either (a) married or (b) not the ones chasing you in the first place so dating in itself brings a larger proportion of arseholes to the forefront.

OP posts:
SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 06/12/2015 00:22

Well that is inevitable cocoa as some of the single men daying are single for a good reason and otgers for a bad reason.

But lots of posters on this thread have been making wild generalisations about men. Not a subsection, or some men or men on OD, just men.

DadWasHere · 06/12/2015 04:58

Perhaps it would be a good idea to seek professional counselling CocoaPopz.

Duckdeamon · 06/12/2015 07:22

Proposals, really?

Rockluvvindad · 06/12/2015 09:22

CocoaPopz, I do think you might want to think about the message you're giving off if your personality does a sudden about face when you start to emotionally commit to a potential partner. It would seem very weird to most guys that the confident, sexy woman they had been dating suddenly became anxious and panicky. If it was me, it might well have me running away.

Do you talk to them about your feelings ? A far better way for a guy to experience that change would be if you were to have a conversation first. Maybe after the first few dates when you first feel that twinge of apprehension... "Please don't be scared, but I'm very nervous about falling in love... It makes me feel anxious and maybe a bit clingy. It just means that I'm really into you, and if you can just reassure me I'm sure it will pass once I learn to trust you". Any guy that heard that and was serious about dating would stick by you. Anyone that didn't, isn't serious so you did yourself a favour.

I'm not believing this is a "problem with men"... Amateur psychologist's hat on here. From how you describe yourself, your personality change might just be giving men pause for thought. Remember, the ones not looking for just sex might be just as nervous as you about getting hurt, and for many of the same reasons.

Smallleggs. I totally agree about the level of sexism. I would be interested to see the reaction if many of these comments were directed at women. What is more accurate would be to say that many PEOPLE doing online dating or dating in general are not relationship material. I dated enough women to know this. And I also watch porn. And I want a long term relationship ( which I am now happily in ). Which according to this post are mutually exclusive.

Don't fall into the mindset of "Some men watch Porn. Some men are idiots, therefore ALL men are misogynist, sex obsessed idiots". The clue is in the "some".

OP, don't be hard on yourself. It's a numbers game. I think in the past, a lot of people settled into marriage even when it wasn't perfect because there was a view that "no partner is perfect". Nowadays, the prevalence of choice means that we do seem to seek perfection. Just be yourself, be carefuly not to give more of yourself than you can cope with, and just wait for that bolt out of the blue. They can and do happen... I have been lucky that way and I was convinced I would never find anyone else I would want to spend my life together with.

RLD

DeoGratias · 06/12/2015 09:42

That is very good advice and plenty of the men I've dated were keen to commit (and perhaps it wasn't because they'd already had a happy family life they wanted to replicate and perhaps nothing to do with age). However you can generalise a bit - on the whole many men want sex and often have to pay for it and most women could get sex every night if they wanted to without paying. Surely that does illustrate a bit of a difference about what men and women are after... although I certainly accept that amongst many of those men wanting sex they also like nice loving relationships and want families. There is much to be hopeful for, more than enough people to go round.

There is a myth, may be with a bit of truth in it, that younger women in their 20s get a broad choice - men their age and older men and younger men find it hard to find anyone as they have no money or experience. Then it slightly turns about when they all turn 30 as the women tend to want to settle down and have babies and the 30+ men realise they can have the 20 something women and the 30 something women and even older - suddenly from being rejected teenage nerd they can have it all.

Then over 40 which is my dating phase I think we move back to equality.

That might all be wrong of course.... and those who meet their partner when they are at university - which is basically what I did are in a slightly different category as men and women who do that settle down young (you never get such a good choice of partners whether you are male or female who are like you as at university).

Justaboy · 06/12/2015 11:47

springydaffs LOL!, sorry re the unattributed quotation that was from my fave author Anaïs Nin :-)

Just seemed appropriate somewhere. Best for me not to post after neighbour brings road a couple of bottles of a very nice red in exchange for some babysitting the other nite;!

DrMorbius · 06/12/2015 11:58

I am wondering if the problem is not me

Bingo... The penny has dropped. There are good blokes, bad blokes and everything in between. If you are only meeting one type of bloke, then it's got to be down to you.

As I used to say to my kids, if something is not working out, first exam your part.

DadWasHere · 06/12/2015 12:13

Proposals, really?

Its seems quite a cognitive dissonance to believe men only want casual sex while rejecting men who want marriage because they don’t love you the right way. I would be inclined to think it was a troll, except I have met women who thought pretty much exactly this. Just why and how it comes to pass mystifies me though, its almost as if men are role compartmentalised to the extent they are either Men or Not Men.

StarTravels · 06/12/2015 12:29

A few have proposed, but I don't think they really loved me properly. Like the way my friends husbands do.

What made you feel they didn't love you like your friends' husbands loved them? I don't think you can know how your friends' husbands love your friends. What behaviours are you expecting / looking for from your partner(s)?

I also think it's just the wrong men.

You mention they become infatuated very quickly. I would see that as a red flag and not take it any further. It's not normal for someone to be declaring you're "the one" for them after only a few dates.

Are you going out with men that seem needy? In my experience, if they are very needy they grab on to the first person who shows them attention as it makes them feel better about themselves, and they become obsessive, perhaps until someone better suited to them in the long term comes along. They often "jump" to the next partner, rather than choose to leave and be alone.

CheersMedea · 06/12/2015 14:07

I wonder if part of the problem is a change in the male dating "market" as it were.

In the sense that (this is a massive generalisation and there are lots of exceptions of course) broadly, most men get into long term relationships for two main reasons - regular sex and to have a family. Of course there are others, but those are the primary drivers. For women, the primary drivers are security (whether financial, personal or emotional) and to have a family.

Prior to OLD for a man to get regular sex was a lot more work. They'd have to find a woman they were interested in (and was also available and interested in them) through socialising and develop a relationship. Because it was more work and investment, it was easier to stick in a LTR with that partner if she wanted commitment. Now because of OLD, it's very easy to have a lot of regular sex with a carousel of partners.

So (I get the impression) a large part of the male "consumers" for a long term relationship has fallen away. This is particularly so for men who have been married, have had their children/family and are now divorced, aren't interested in a long term relationship and its constraints.

They can get what they want (charming female company with a woman/variety of women who share(s) their interests and regular sex) without commitment.

I maybe wrong but I do think that once men have had children, many (not all) are more interested in casual dating and an unconstrained fancy free life. It will probably change as this OLD population ages - and aged 70 facing a retirement alone suddenly realise that they want a LTR.

bodenbiscuit · 06/12/2015 14:33

Cheers - I don't agree that men can get regular sex from loads of partners on OD. Most women on OD are looking for a man who will commit. And most women won't agree to casual sex. I know there are some that will but they are in the minority. And for every woman that will there are 100 male applicants at least.

bodenbiscuit · 06/12/2015 14:35

A male friend of mine said that trying to have casual sex with women on online dating sites is like smashing your head against a brick wall.

Justaboy · 06/12/2015 14:45

bodenbiscuit I sometimes wonder why men should bother when for a fee they can go and get an Escort. Was a program on the telly re that the other week seemed a lot of men can no longer be bothered with the meet, greet, drink, dine and hope for an overnight stay for a sum they can get what they want with no commitment or otherwise.