When people want to sleep with you but not stay with you

[CocoaPopz]

Just wanted to ask a bit about this and what makes a man or person see you as a long term goal rather than a short term conquest?

I struggle quite a lot with it as I feel like I am the girl everyone wants to sleep with and no one wants to marry.

I am constantly being propositioned. By married men, by friends, messages from old school friends, the postman.

No, I am not abnormally good looking
Dont have an amazing body
I don't flirt or lot or act overtly sexual
I don't dress provocatively
I don't sleep around (one person in 2015)
I don't have a "reputation"

Whatever the situation, the same thing happens and I get chased and propositioned all the time; yet the ones I do select to go on dates with or have relationships with generally lose interest :(

I worry there's something wrong with me :(

Hi OP what a brilliant post this morning. I would love to see your list if you don't mind sharing. Was the book helpful in coming up with your list?

Sure RedMaple. Thsi was my list...

Yes the book was so helpful in coming up with my list. I have no idea why but I was allowing sexual chemistry or it "feeling right" overrule the obvious holes in things and honestly wasn't even aware of it.

1. I will not date someone who is still married, even if separated, unless it's been for at least a year

2. I will not date someone who shows any signs of not being fully over an ex

3. I will not date someone who has any “big” issues (substance abuse, financial problems, mental health)

4. I won’t wait around or put my life on hold for anyone for any reason

5. I won’t continue to see someone who doesn’t treat me with consideration and respect consistently. That includes when they do it and apologise after.

6. I won’t date someone who is inconsistent or sends mixed messages or blows hot and cold

7. I won’t date someone where the relationship is all on their terms, their speed, their schedule and where my needs aren't met.

8. I won’t allow anyone to have sex with me unles they are ready for commitment and say that.

9. I won’t have sex with anyone who is seeing other people or shows signs they might potentially be.

10. Lie to me once, and you are out

11. I will drop men who communicate only by text like a hot potato

12. I will not date anyone who does not make time for me in their day

13. I will not date anyone more than 6 dates who is keeping their options open by remaining on dating websites.

14. I will not play Florence Nightingale to a broken man or think I can heal someone else.

15. I will not date someone who is emotionally unavailable and not able to connect with me properly.

16. I will not tolerate someone who's actions do not match their words.

17. I will not date someone who is ok with disappointing me

18. I will not date someone I feel is beneath me just to feel "safer".

19. I will not date someone who makes me feel like I have to fight for their attention

20. I will not date someone who is geographically or otherwise unavailable for a close relationship

21. I will not date anyone who has a history of cheating or badly ending relationships

22. I will not see someone more than three times for “casual” if they (or I) do not want a relationship

23. I will not date anyone who does not include me in their life within 5 – 6 months of dating

24. I will not date anyone who does not allow for my need for space and independence or who is in a hurry to get married.

25. I will not date anyone who seems to have a negative attitude to life or love in general.

26. I will end relationships if I feel anxiety, confusion or a gut feeling or a need to ask someone on Mumsnet about it and talking to the person calmly once or twice has not resolved my feelings of unhappiness.

amazingly, several of my relationships have crossed at least half of these boundaries and I have stuck with them because he "loved" me or because he kept me hanging. I have really taken a step back and realised a good and decent person would not cross any of these boundaries!

Also, blathering a bit here, I did ask that man why he had stopped calling me after a few dates after appearing so keen to elaborate on what he meant by me saying something about me was a bit off.

He said he felt I wasn;t ready to commit :( Which is ironic given my post here and what I was asking. He said he'd felt I was lovely, and still thinks about me but it felt a bit like he would be investing in someone who was not in a place for a proper relationship.

I have thought aout that a lot, along with reading the book - and have also just started reading he's scared, she's scared which is about men and women who have the kind of relationships I am drawn to...

he chases her
promises her the earth
panics / pulls away as soon as he gets her
this creates a total anxiety response in her so she chases him
this pushes him further away

Etc.

And essentially...me being attracted to men like this, who pretty openly tell me they have commitment issues or some other reason (I also got for men who live far away from me!!) can't commit to "normal" relationship - is a form of commitment phobia in me.

I sat and tought about that properly, and while I crave the idea of being in love - when I picture that, it is nice texts saying "good morning", and cuddles on the sofa, sharing a bottle of wine, someone to phone when I am sad.

Absolutely none of it is a relationship. Actually when I picture myself living in a house with a nice, normal man it turns my blood cold actually. So I obviously have a pretty big problem :(

As I said...pretty strange childhood. Very emotionally unavailable father who I was constantly trying to impress. Pretty absent mother. Mum and Dad had an absolutely awful marriage that was quite violent.

I did truly love my first LTR, but I think I was that young that I went into it fearlessly and it was a healthy relationship - but when it ended I was truly devastated and I honetly think it took me 10 years to fully stop hurting from that. He'd been the only man in my life who'd really loved me for myself and made me feel "ok" and when he went it felt like losing an arm or a leg.

All relationships since then have been with people that could never have properly loved me because they were in some way screwed up themselves. On the surface they looked perfect, but they were just fantasties with no real connection or risk to myself of becoming tied down.

I don't think I can even picture in my mind what a healthy and happy relationship would feel like anymore. Definitely an eye opening week for me!!!!

Interesting cocoapopz. I can guess what a chaser is but what's a future faker. Luckily, I instinctively feel a bit repelled by anybody who comes on very strong at the very beginning. Number 22 on your list, I might be breaking just that one, in touch with a man and it's not a relationship. His personality is good though. He could be a friend.

There was all sort of profiles in the book. I felt sick as I've dated them all!

Future Faker = talks a fantasy and never delivers.

Essentially the book says unavailable men...

1. Blow hot & Cold, keeping the relationship at their speed, so when you start to heat up they cool you off.

1. Keep everything on their terms

1. Actions don't match words

1. Likes fast forwarding (ie: getting very close, very quickly)

1. Loves casual relationships

1. Deals you with crumbs to keep you hanging

1. Uses "timing" to manage you (like for example if you get very intimate he won't see you for two weeks so he can almost keep resetting the relationship)

1. Breaks out sob stories and excuses if you complain /doesn;t want you to leave

All of the last few I have dated have been exactly like this. And so confusing to understand because you know they must be into you if they chased you forever and make an effort to see you and do stuf for you, but you also know they aren't being quite right with you and your mind ends up going in circles and creating such anxiety!!!

I can see now why I have felt so awful. No wonder, it's like psychological warfare and that person never has any intention of growing or building a relationship with you (or anyone) but they wan to keep you around for sex / ego stroke / make them feel good.

And apparently I put up with all of this, because it's like me repeating history to try and make my Dad love me :( The book makes very good sense.

I don't know why but I feel very upset. Should be feeling empowered but just feel really sad and deflated!

I am so glad that you are understanding yourself better. But...don't expect dating to be plain sailing as a consequence. Knowing something and ensuring that knowledge influences your behaviour consistently are two different things. It's going to take time. Trial and error to get the balance right.

Be prepared for your boundaries to be tested. And tested. And tested some more. Don't expect to get it right straight away.

I think you're heading in the right direction for success.

Thanks Lion, no not at all. I actually feel rally quite scared now. I used to just mope for a bit then move onto the next one giving me attention and now that's not going to feel nice like it did before :( I actually feel really lonely. And obviously it will take me a while to get the hang of this as you say

Of course you feel upset, up until now you had no idea what was really going on, or your motivations were. It may take some time to properly process all the situations and relationships in light of what you now know...

Very thought-provoking, thank you for being so generous as to share this. I like your list and can see things that resonate with me.

This bit, that you wrote later, I crave the idea of being in love - when I picture that, it is nice texts saying "good morning", and cuddles on the sofa, sharing a bottle of wine, someone to phone when I am sad...Absolutely none of it is a relationship.

Do you really think that? It's the kind of relationship I picture having. I am not looking for the shared mortgage kind of thing at this stage of life.

CocoaPopz I think your 26 "terms and conditions" are all very reasonable and nothing out of the ordinary, and your realisations following that.

Don't know why you should feel scared or lonely come to that you 'll have to appreciate that it might take some time for Mr Right, or better still Mr "nearly as i can get him" right, comes along as no ones perfect, its just what we can tolerate in reality?

It may take a wee while for you to establish a new normal. Be kind to yourself, now you know better, do better. Treat yourself well and men will (eventually!) fall in line with that. (Sending you strength and courage)

Thanks everyone for all the lovely support. I will try and treat myself a bit better and follow those boundaries and see how I get on!

Just to comment on something OP mentioned a while back.

You felt dates did not seem interested in getting to know the real you.

I didn't work out who the real me was until I was oh, about mid 50s, there was a ton of beliefs about how I saw myself and how I believe world saw me that were utterly wrong.

Thankfully the false me I used to try to be is long past, thanks mainly to reading some useful self help books and counselling. And much happier and more relaxed am I since.

Could that be a factor in your lack of success in relationships? That, actually you don't know your real self. ( I would have laughed if someone suggested that to me but how wrong could I be!)

That ex who said that about you was talking bullshit, d'you realise that? Sounds like he was twisting things for some agenda of his own.

It was perfectly rational of you to feel scared of getting in deeper with a man who breached the kind of things on your list. That was sensible.

Fair enough if you feel you actually do have "commitment issues", but don't believe it because he said it.

The 26 point list is a good one and probably the mental list most of us have.

I used to think I was a secret commitment phobe after a string of failed relationships, until I got together with my now husband and quickly became profoundly committed to him. Sometimes people don't commit because they aren't with the right person, not because they have a problem. However, in order to land up happy with the right man (I was about your age when we got together) I did have to have a bit of a rethink about what was right for me and ended up with one of my longstanding friends.

I think your post about your childhood is really quite revealing in terms of why you might be somehow drawn to a certain type of bloke and they to you. I think the latter is really important - it is easy to blame yourself for always going for the Mr Wrongs but in a dynamic like this, I think that maybe these Mr Wrongs might also be programmed to go for you a bit.

However, this doesn't mean you are somehow doomed to failure, it just means that there's a bit of a pattern going on you might think of ways to break, and frankly that you might need just a bit of luck - something we all need when it comes to getting together with the right bloke. Have you got friends in your social group who had really happy parental relationships and who have always seemed to pick warm blokes and be in good relationships? Maybe ask some of them which men THEY'D be going for in your circle if they were single. Who do THEY think you should be going out with? I say this because I've personally found that close friends really have a lot of insight into this stuff - they know and love you and they can see things other can't.

Fab thread, OP. It's been fascinating to see your thoughts develop. I hope you're doing okay and feeling less lonely.