When people want to sleep with you but not stay with you

[CocoaPopz]

Just wanted to ask a bit about this and what makes a man or person see you as a long term goal rather than a short term conquest?

I struggle quite a lot with it as I feel like I am the girl everyone wants to sleep with and no one wants to marry.

I am constantly being propositioned. By married men, by friends, messages from old school friends, the postman.

No, I am not abnormally good looking
Dont have an amazing body
I don't flirt or lot or act overtly sexual
I don't dress provocatively
I don't sleep around (one person in 2015)
I don't have a "reputation"

Whatever the situation, the same thing happens and I get chased and propositioned all the time; yet the ones I do select to go on dates with or have relationships with generally lose interest :(

I worry there's something wrong with me :(

I 100% agree with Cabrinha. It indicates a problem that you can say this

I just got this Facebook message from someone I dated last year for a couple of months...(very sweet)

About this drivel

I'm so happy to have you in my life. You mean a lot to me. I don't think you actually know how much and that's actually cool by me. Truth - will never forget saying bye to you that day. I wish we'd had longer. I'd have much preferred we spent more time together that late afternoon. The reason I'm drawn forever to you and your friendship is, you are one of life's great women. You're a rare diamond. As someone that's neither a diamond expert, nor a good judge of human character, you can take that last comment advisedly. Good or bad however, I love you to the moon and back and I am a better man for having known you. Lunch in that pub - forget its name - but being there. The walk up from yours - down from the main street. Maybe I'm reminiscing too much. You didn't make it easy right enough but I think maybe it was just good folk, in wrong sorts, with too much shit going on all at the same time. What's immense is we stayed friends. Goodnight you, cause I'm in danger of having a major ramble. Love you. To that moon. And then back again xxx

Are you serious? To start with it's offensive:

You're a rare diamond. As someone that's neither a diamond expert, nor a good judge of human character, you can take that last comment advisedly

Translation: I know I'm a twat but I'll flatter you never the less but warn you I'm a twat.

More importantly, this is not someone who really "loves you" or cares about you. That is apparent from the rambling drivel. I mean come on - it's such a big deal but he can't even remember the name of the pub you met in.

How many times have you actually met this guy?

Cabrinha says I see him as someone OTT flattering you and hoping he'll still get sex

I see him as someone whose not really that interested in sex with you right now or at all but figures that he maybe in the future so wants to keep the door open.

Seriously, it's a worry you think that email is a good thing or that you put any store by it. Treat it for what it is: a puffery of excessive flattering meaning nothing.

agree that the email is irritating to say the least.
I like a man to show with his actions that he cares/loves me, not writing 'poetic' stuff (and not in the best taste - actually implying that you aer not really a diamond - eh?) and not doing much, plus blaming 'wrong sorts' circumstances for things not working out.
Unless he did genuinely try back then, and had done more than flattery, and you just didn't fancy him - why did you decide to split up from him in the first place, OP?

Oh dear.

Do I like creeps??? :o

I tend to go for men exactly like that, who say things like that. Is that not normal?!!!

He's someone i dated for about 2 or 3 months last year. I ended it as I didn't feel the same way as he did at the time and knew it wouldn't change. He did genuinely try back then. He's been a friend ever since. Done a few things for me practically (I didn't ask!) and we chat about our girlfriends / boyfriends in a plantonic friend way. I don't think he wants sex with me. He lives miles away now anyway.

But most men I go out with talk to me like that :( So if you all think it's creepy maybe I have a translation problem. If they don't talk to me like that I feel like they don't like me very much!!

I tend to go for men exactly like that, who say things like that. Is that not normal?!!!

NO!! 100% no. It's totally over the top and utterly fake. It's worse if that kind of flattering rubbish happens early on in relationship - it's usually blowtorching. Coming on hot and strong and then fading out once the end has been achieved (either sex or getting the woman to fall for you).

A normal healthy relationship develops over time as you get to know each other.

Sorry to pile on but cocoapopz, that message was a bit meaningless. If I got that from an x I'd think, hmm, we haven't been in touch for a year so where do all these alleged strong feelings come from. I'd be tempted to write back and say "oh hi, what are you saying there?'

If you only date people who talk to you like that no wonder you have a recurring problem with people who shag you then lose interest. All that over the top lovey-dovey stuff is a telltale sign that someone's in it for the chase and the Big Romance - the idea of you, rather than you - and once you stop being an object for his Big Romance and start demonstrating feelings of your own they'll drop you like a hot potato.

The key thing is that people who want the Big Romance aren't really seeing you. You don't figure as a real person, just as a springboard for their personal soap opera, in which they play the central part of Tortured Hero or whatever. If you show signs of having an actual personality or desires of your own, the whole thing collapses.

I also think a PP had good advice about taking another look at the guys who don't push and push and keep on and on stalking wooing you. Most normal, straightforward guys will ask you once, maybe twice, and if they get knocked back they'll respect your boundaries and stop asking. Those are much more likely to be nice, normal guys who want a relationship based on mutual respect and affection rather than game-playing.

But if actually you're waiting for them to not respect your boundaries you will end up, surprise surprise, with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.

But most men I go out with talk to me like that
I find it hard to believe you can find two people who talk like that, never mind a host of them.

I must admit i am struggling with the email text. Is English not Mr To That Moon man's first language? That I think would account for some of the phrasing.

I love you to the moon and back? Noooo. I would hate a message like that from a man. It doesn't sound genuine, way over the top, especially as he's just a 'friend.'

Sorry I have no theory about why you attract or go for men who talk like that.

The closest I have known to that is a man who used to send me poetry quotations in a card but he was a head of English so I let him off.

Do you talk like that to them? Is it a mutual thing?

I think you might sum this up as you are putting up a genuine guy filter and only letting the bullshitters through.

Do you say things like the above to people? Probably not. So what you should expect is someone who like you, is not certain sure about things and expresses only genuine emotions when they are ready.

Were you a big believer in love at first sight?
Real life is more like love after some work. (It should be fun, enjoyable work but you still have to give it time and a bit of effort because it isn't possible to know someone immediately...if you think you do you are projecting).

I have an ex who used to insist he I was an amazing person and really valued my friendship blah blah. But he didn't treat me like a friend and I also got the feeling that he was trying to fit the real me into the mould of me he kept in his head and it was suffocating.

Blokes who come out with this nonsense have probably been reading the women equivalent of the ridiculous articles that say 'men class women as either for dating or sex'. Only their articles say 'women require flattery. The more OTT the better. Want to keep her tell her x, y, z'

There is no formula for love the same way as there is no perfect diet.

I've honestly not really continued relaitonhips with anyone who didn't act like that because I presumed they didn't like me very much or there wasn't chemistry. So yes, obviously I am filtering out the normal ones and shutting the more genuine ones out.

I am a bit worried about why this feels like passion to me, or why it feels genuine, because as I am reading this it's obvious my problem (and whole point) is that it's proved not to be genuine; that I am complaining that even with people I've had long relationships with I have felt more like an obsession than someone they properly loved. So you're obviously all right and this is my problem.

The words you say are exactly how I feel.

keeping me as an image in their head

looking for the big romance

the idea of me, rather than me

they don't figure me as a ral person

What I have experienced, even with the ones I have had long relationships with that they have acted like I am the centre of their world. Presents, suprises, big displays of emotions, amazing words -but when the rough times have hit or I have been at my worst I haven't felt loved.

Little things, like with the guy I almost married, there's something silly that I do every morning - which is use my toothbrush as a micrphone and sing along to cheesy songs while I am brushing and he told me he didn't understand why I liked doing someting so silly. And I say there after he said that thinking..but I am silly. I am quite a "silly" sort of slapstic person and you have been with me for years and don't see that?

I've felt invisible.

I can see now I am attracted to that and I wonder why that is. I'd not be attarcted to a friend who behaved like that - in fact I'd think they were depsperate and mental.

You seriously need to sort out your bullshit radar!

Also, stop being "friends" with these tossers after the end of relationships.

some (minority) of men not so much lie when being OTT but they just like to live in a fantasy. It often happens when you friend-zone them after a bit of dating. They don't want or like the RL as it's stressful and imperfect unlike the fantasy. This guy sounds to me like that.

Awww!, poor Mr Moon-man was just trying the express himself

As Ms Nin would have said,

"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it".

offs, He was keeping his options open. Telling somebody what you think they need to hear is not breathing through writing . If somebody wants to express something real then there's nothing to prevent them from doing so. There's no glory in pretending to feel what isn't there, and our culture certainly has no use for moonboy's efforts at writing.

Anyway, a few posts back you seemed to be suggesting that men shouldn't bother with the tedium of dating women who want relationships, that they would be better served paying for sex. Lovely. Spoken like a man who can't help but objectify women.

Justaboy, I can understand some posters' exasperation in response to your posts.

Seriously .

QueenChippyOik I wasn't suggesting that, it was about a programme the TV that said that. It indicated that men's attitudes were changing. And or that sex was easier to "obtain"these days if that's not too an offensive word, and that in turn was due to the effect of the Internet.

LionHeartedWoman Loosen up LHW, was a bit of humour, don't take it all too seriously;!

Don't worry, justaboy, I don't think anybody is taking you seriously. There are many reasons why a poster mightn't find you funny. Loosening up isn't the first that comes to mind. I'd hazard a guess that if people don't find you funny it's because you're not funny. or clever So I suggest you stop quoting poetry. It's never as relevant as you think it is. It was all written before the internet.

ChippyOikInTinsel Nay, it wasn't poetry it was an Anaïs Nin quotation but yes, she was around before ye internet;)

However relevant something might be or not is in the mind of the person beholding that thing?

Now where were we?

Stop being so patronising. Stop quoting people you admire to make yourself look clever. Everything you quote is just spliced in, no relevance, totally off the wall. It is not true that relevance is subjective. It's not. It can be objectively measured. I'd ask you to attempt to be less annoying but I don't think you can manage that. Another thread ruined by justaboy's nonsense.

it's the nature of forums though, Chippy, that anyone has a right post in their way, all you can do is either agree or ignore (unless they are offensive). It's always courses for horses too, I'm also annoyed by some posters even if they are popular with others

You sound exhausted by it all. The best thing I ever did was not date for a year.

I couldn't keep a straight face if someone said they loved me to the moon and back and would probably ask why not Saturn as it's further.

One BF did write a joke poem in a letter that contained the immortal lines

You are one in a million
Better than sliced bread
With you I must be fed.

He also included a packet of mustard and cress seeds.

The men you date sound pretentious, I'm imagining them laying in a cold little garret mad with love and a tremble with emotion while they pen bad poetry.

You need someone with a similar sense of humour op it gets you through the bad times.

Thanks all. Finished reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallout Girl tonight and it opened my eyes.

I'm attracted to future fakers, unavailable men, people who mess me around and didn't really notice or realise it and I am turned off by the nice ones

At the end of the book it does an inventory of past relationships and one of the things you do is wrote out your boundaries and compare it against a list of your exes and how many they crossed.

I had 25 things on my boundaries list (for example "I will not date someone who sends mixed messages" or "I will not date someone who is still hung up on an ex in some way") and when I compared it againts my exes it was only my very first LTR where he crossed none of them.

All the others since crossed at least 10 consistently, and the one I nearly married crossed NINETEEN and I was ABSOLUTELY unaware anything was even wrong with our relationship.

I had no clue I was this distorted in my view of things and I think i've always judged how much they love me based on how much they want sex off me and how often and how many hours worth, how many public declarations they make and how many times and ways they tell me they love me.

Totally had no idea they weren;t even meeting my basic standards and expectations.

I think I have a bit of me work to do, but for now have stuck a list of my 25 boundaries onto the wall, along with a profile of the various types of unavailable man the chaser or the future faker so I know what i am looking for.

Obviously I've had an issue in myself I didn't know was there. I had a very funny childhood. I am fine in my friend relationships but romantic ones have always felt painful for me. Beginning to see why

russellgroupserf! That ex bf of yours sounds eccentric - he shouldn't give up his day job!

OP that sounds like good progress!