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Original poster

When people want to sleep with you but not stay with you

168 replies

CocoaPopz · 04/12/2015 17:48

Just wanted to ask a bit about this and what makes a man or person see you as a long term goal rather than a short term conquest?

I struggle quite a lot with it as I feel like I am the girl everyone wants to sleep with and no one wants to marry.

I am constantly being propositioned. By married men, by friends, messages from old school friends, the postman.

No, I am not abnormally good looking
Dont have an amazing body
I don't flirt or lot or act overtly sexual
I don't dress provocatively
I don't sleep around (one person in 2015)
I don't have a "reputation"

Whatever the situation, the same thing happens and I get chased and propositioned all the time; yet the ones I do select to go on dates with or have relationships with generally lose interest :(

I worry there's something wrong with me :(

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/12/2015 23:02

Your underlying issues may be that you're more than tits and fanny on legs but, you know, like, human. With a brain; likes and dislikes. All that shit.

UnGoogleable · 04/12/2015 23:05

Don't give away the goods to soon.

And if you do use OLD - please tell me it's not plenty of Fish. Don't get me wrong, online dating is great. But if someone isn't willing to pay for a subscription when he can get it for free on another site.... well it does translate into real life too.

And take heed of what AF said and fine tune your Twat filter.

Justaboy · 04/12/2015 23:17

ChippyOik LOL!, not at my age I'm past that now;!

myfirstandonlylove · 04/12/2015 23:36

Cocoa
I do not think there is anything wrong with you. However on reflection the language you use, talking about men seeing you as a "goal" or a "conquest" is quite revealing.What comes through strongly to me is how much you want to be loved and how the attentions which you are getting are in fact toxic to you because they are purely sexual and loveless. I do think there is currently a really big problem in society, possibly worse in the UK than elsewhere, around the way the genders interact. Internet porn and tinder are like emotional caesium thrown into this seething sulphurous mix, basically noone knows what to do with them or what is acceptable any more. It was considered a source of shame when I was a young boy to buy and consume pornographic magazines, in fact in my country they were illegal. Now it seems to be de rigueur for teenage lads upwards to get their first sexual kicks years and years before they experience the joy and pure dark terror of falling in love. There is also something darker operating where some men, maybe some women too, cannot see a sexual woman as also a good and kind woman. I was once the victim of an attempted hit and run car accident when living in France and who were the only people who came to my aid after, the prostitutes working near the station it happened near. I too once struggled to think of the sexual person as also a good and kind person whom you could fall in love with. Then I met my now ex girlfriend. She was the most sexual and loving and kind person you could hope to meet. She told me as she was buxom and small in stature she was also considered fling material but when I met her and fell for her my heart pounded like a steam train when I thought of her and for the first time I knew what love felt like. I hope for you that you will also find love like this and when you do you will look back and smile at memories of "Nigella" and the tortured thoughts that kept you awake. All my love and good wishes to you in the meantime.

ChippyOik · 05/12/2015 00:03

muddlewitch, they want to be the one that changes your mind. YY. I think I've experienced that.

OhYesToYestyn · 05/12/2015 01:07

could be that you come across as so independent and confident that men are intimidated, and that makes them obsess sexually, but once they get closer they see you are not that 'strong scary goddess' type but someone wanting love and lose interest? You could try to show the softer side straight away, but it could be that you do choose to date immature guys with this mentality.
Or they feel you are not a safe bet as that guy said to you, as they see independence/successs as coldness or ruthlessness..It's interesting what myfirst says about men separating sexual women from the good/kind/safe to love. It's actually very alarming. May be also scared of the fact so many men are attracted to you, i.e. constant competition.
So yes, it's likely to be that they see you as 'too out of their league', too challenging rather than 'not good enough'. It's all very tough!

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 05/12/2015 01:14

men tend to see women either as a woman they'd date or a woman they'd sleep with

The columnist or whatever they are who write make up this shit are being ridiculous.
Men are people. They are not the borg. There are lots of them they don't all share one thought/behaviour any more than women.
This twaddle may or may not apply to some men some of the time.

springydaffs · 05/12/2015 01:24

Great post myfirst

HelenaDove · 05/12/2015 01:32

UnGoogleable Fri 04-Dec-15 23:05:27
"Don't give away the goods to soon"

A man would never get the same advice. "Goods" Jesus wept.

springydaffs · 05/12/2015 01:35

But fashions and trends change, Small. People don't behave in the same way as eg 50 - or even 10, 5 - years ago.

I do think huge swathes of men have been corrupted by ridiculously easily-accessible, uniquitous porn. Was it a Friends sketch (? couldn't have been!) where the men had been watching porn on the telly for days and they struggled to adjust to reality, genuinely thinking eg the post woman was suddenly going to drop to her knees and start sucking dicks.

springydaffs · 05/12/2015 01:42

Ubiquitous ffs

myfirstandonlylove · 05/12/2015 02:12

The problem with walltowall porn and perhaps this is influencing the men currently disappointing the OP is it satisfies a carnal desire without any context. There is presumably no market for erotica which involves a long drawn out, loving and beautiful seduction process or which ends in failure. I also think there is a greater than ever tendency to fetishise the famous and project their perceived attributes onto RL people. As springydaffs says society and values change more than you notice in the moment. It would not surprise me if humanity looks back in 10 or 20 years at 2015 and ubiquitous porn with the same distaste as we now feel for 1970s homophobia and overt racism. I can but hope.

niceupthedance · 05/12/2015 07:07

I had this experience. Not men getting infatuated (if someone tells you you're 'the one' after three dates I'd suggest it was them with the underlying issues), but not girlfriend material. In the end I worked it out myself, what they said by 'too independent' meant 'not willing to take care of me in the way I want'.

Cabrinha · 05/12/2015 07:54

I think the key thing is you saying that you yourself blow hot and cold.

Look, you didn't have 10 men in a year get genuinely obsessive about you - especially if some of them the OLD meets. That OTT response is part initial excitement (limerence, even) but it's also part total I'm after sex bullshit. You need to wise up to that.

I expect the hot and cold thing is attracting the dickheads. The balanced normal men generally think "fuck that shit".

You're not responsible for the fact there are losers out there, but sadly you'll attract more of them I think if you're an on again off again type.

LoisPuddingLane · 05/12/2015 08:21

This also happens to me. I have not had a proper boyfriend in 14 years. Men just want sex with me. I'm so bored with it now and try not to do it (sometimes I do, because I'm human and want sex too and think it might be more than sex). I see other women getting into relationships and almost combust with self-loathing, envy and lack of comprehension. One friend was dumped in spring this year and by the summer was in another serious relationship, with someone she met online. Meanwhile, I just get knobs (literally and figuratively).

ChippyOik · 05/12/2015 11:04

HelenaDove, I don't sleep with men too soon because I've realised that it's ok for me to have my own agenda, and that is that I must believe that the man likes me for me not just as a passing convenient vagina. I have to believe I've been singled out because the man is discerning enough to value me. My mother would approve no doubt and think that that was not giving away the goods (yak) but it's just a realisation that it's ok to only do what you want to do, it's ok for women to want men to prove themselves a bit. Men never apologise for wanting casual sex but as women, if we don't want that, we have to apologise for it a bit and make it clear that we're not anti-feminist, that we don't view sex as something to give to a man. I don't. I just want to get what I want out of dating.

Ugandandiscussions · 05/12/2015 11:13

OP I have a friend with this issue. She is very good looking for a start, but, In her case I can see that it's because she is naturally quite aloof and impenetrable when you first meet her. This sends unavailable twats flocking around her, as they want what they seemingly can't get. Whereas if she'd been soft and open from the beginning she would have appeared too easy/too available/too obvious that she wanted a relationship and they would never have had an interest in the first place.

Once she starts to open up after a few dates, they start seeing her soft, open side and lose interest.

They thought they bought into a femme fatale, and are disappointed the initial act is not kept up.

VestalVirgin · 05/12/2015 11:15

So what i mean is that people sort of obsess and fixate on me but don't really love me or care about me.

I ... actually think that may be very common in men in general. It's not you, it's them. Maybe it is because they all watch porn nowadays.

Or maybe men have always been like this, and it is just now that we notice it.

Considering how long and hard women fought men for voting rights ... I don't think it is at all unique that men don't really "love or care about" women they are in relationships with.

Branleuse · 05/12/2015 11:20

its funny when i read your post i had an image of Nigella come into my mind, and then later on you said you looked a bit like her. I think you just look like the image men have as the perfect sexy homemaker. They are totally projecting onto you. It must be really annoying

expatinscotland · 05/12/2015 11:28

It's common in men. I am happily married to a man nearly 7 years younger than I am, in my 40s and a mother of three and get this from men, even from 60somethings I would never touch in a million years. I'm rather reserved myself and reclusive. Just ignore the creeps. I had one the other night that I know from a hobby, he was asking me about technical climbing, which I used to do and will return to in the new year, and he managed to sneak in a comment about sex into the conversation. Please. I just blocked.

pissedonatrain · 05/12/2015 11:39

It just seems like men are always on the prowl for sex and it's just a numbers game for many.

I don't think too many like independent type women; they'd like a porn star appearance with below average intelligence and willing to cater to the guy.

Not that I've had that many relationships but it seemed like for them to stick around, I had to give up and suppress a lot of who I am.

I'd rather not do that anymore.

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 05/12/2015 11:39

Thanks everyone. I know a lot of men are creeps. Maybe my actions make it worse, because I am so jumpy from feeling like a juicy steak on a menu that I am quite "hard to get". Not playing a game, just trying to be cautious and weed out the bad ones. I think what I end up with is the ones who are maybe in it for the conquest. I think maybe I have come to be seen a a challenge or a notch on the bedpost and the nice men are maybe not interested in that.

I don't intentionally blow hot and cold, but I am quite guarded with investing my emotions and perhaps not as easygoing as some people. I think I might have some commitment and trust issues -but who doesn't by my age? I do make an effort to treat people well :(

I'm not in a desperate effort to get married or anything, it's just that I am so picky and careful and every time ones comes along that I actually really like and want, he lets me down :( or goes off me!

OP posts:
Original poster
CocoaPopz · 05/12/2015 11:42

My closest friends have lovely husbands who really appreciate them for who they are.

I'd really like to find /have that one day!

I hate Christmas drawing near and being alone again. Would just like to cuddle up with someone really nice who liked me and I liked him instead of all this nonsense.

I had a date last night and didn't like him :(

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 05/12/2015 11:58

I think maybe I have come to be seen a a challenge or a notch on the bedpost and the nice men are maybe not interested in that.

A nice man who likes you because of who you are will have the patience to get to know you better. As long as you suggest second dates and such, showing that you want to spend more time together, I don't see why anyone who really likes you for who you are would lose interest just because you don't want to jump into bed first thing.

Original poster
CocoaPopz · 05/12/2015 12:00

*In her case I can see that it's because she is naturally quite aloof and impenetrable when you first meet her. This sends unavailable twats flocking around her, as they want what they seemingly can't get. Whereas if she'd been soft and open from the beginning she would have appeared too easy/too available/too obvious that she wanted a relationship and they would never have had an interest in the first place.

Once she starts to open up after a few dates, they start seeing her soft, open side and lose interest.

They thought they bought into a femme fatale, and are disappointed the initial act is not kept up*

I think this is what happens with me :( Almost like they want me to keep up being frosty and when I open up and become myself they don't like me!!!

OP posts: