When people want to sleep with you but not stay with you

[CocoaPopz]

Just wanted to ask a bit about this and what makes a man or person see you as a long term goal rather than a short term conquest?

I struggle quite a lot with it as I feel like I am the girl everyone wants to sleep with and no one wants to marry.

I am constantly being propositioned. By married men, by friends, messages from old school friends, the postman.

No, I am not abnormally good looking
Dont have an amazing body
I don't flirt or lot or act overtly sexual
I don't dress provocatively
I don't sleep around (one person in 2015)
I don't have a "reputation"

Whatever the situation, the same thing happens and I get chased and propositioned all the time; yet the ones I do select to go on dates with or have relationships with generally lose interest :(

I worry there's something wrong with me :(

Sounds awful to say I've had four proposals and turned them all down, I know, makes me sound like a certain kind of person but I think I made the right decision.

Proposal 1: I was 19. It felt scary and too young and too soon. He was older (23) and looking back that was probably the best and most authentic relationship of my life and I believe he is probably the only person to have truly loved me and seen me as as I was.

Proposal 2: I was 25. He said he loved me but didn't act like he did. He only thought about himself. I had to do everything, he was like a child.

Proposal 3: I was 30. He proposed after 10 days of knowing me and I actually nearly did marry that one (said yes and took the ring) and we were together 2 years but again, he didn't seem to think about how I felt. Hard to explain how in one sentence but if you asked him the reasons he "loved" me, they would all have been about how I made him feel instead of who I actually was.

Proposal 4: I was 33. He proposed after a couple of months, and this one was a good man but one who was just desperate to get married! He kept trying to change me to fit with what he felt the perfect wife was. When I split up with him; he quickly became engaged to someone else very similar to me.

Out of all of those, I felt only man 1 "fit in" with my friends and family, and none of the others my friends looked at and felt like he was the right one for me. I think they only wanted to marry me because they wanted to get married or saw me as a catch. Nothing to do with what is inside me.

When I talk about my friend's husbands, and the diferrence, I suppose I see two people as co-pilots. Neither one on a pedestal, neither one's needs suffocating the other ones. Decisions being made to mutual benefit. Where they seem to see their wife the same way I see her -whereas most of my boyfriends don't seem to even get the bits of me that my friends say they like best.

I do realise I might well the common denominator here, and might be choosing the wrong ones to let in or let close to me. I agree I either dismiss people completely or rush in with emotions very quickly and am probably quite scared myself of being hurt or making the wrong choice.

I try and choose good men but maybe I am not actually doing that. I'm not sure why I am attracted to the wrong people if that's what's hapenning.

Maybe the problem is partly that I am choosing from a number of suitors and picking the one that seems the most passionate about me and really those ones are the ones I should be avoiding?

I do tend to take people at face value and believe whatever they say to me because I don't say things I don't mean - so I know I am a target at times for players, liars, idiots and people with emotional problems under the surface.

Maybe I should try being friends with them first and doing a few "get to know you" activities as friends before dating. Im not sure dating works for me...I am so picky about who I date that by the time I do date them and start seeing them I have an over inflated investment in the whole thing.

Maybe natural to a degree for men to conquest a little, but I feel a bit like when I like them back (very rare) they don't spend time actually getting to know me which is what's made me feel frustrated.

Can't really understand all the chasing without wanting to catch but am willing to accept I obviously play a role in that. Going to give all this a lot of time and attention to try and get on top of this.

I would really like a loving an reciprocal and equal relationship but I keep getting only attracted to people not oferring that :(

Boden

I don't agree that men can get regular sex from loads of partners on OD . . . .Most women on OD are looking for a man who will commit. And most women won't agree to casual sex.

I think that's a bit naïve to be honest.

As the tons and tons of posts on here show, it's not that hard for a man to pretend it's more than casual, lead a woman on for a few shags and then disappear into the night - leaving behind a confused woman who thought she was in a relationship or the beginnings of a relationship.

I wasn't saying that it's easier for men to get regular casual uncommitted sex via OLD by being upfront about it!!! I was saying in practical terms, the OLD makes it much MUCH easier for a man who wants casual sexual to find it far more easily. And then to move on to whoever he thinks is the next best thing.

Whereas before a divorcee would be limited to hunting around his social circle/bars/hobby groups etc for a woman who was single/the right age group/attractive to him and interested in him, he can now log on to an online shop!!!

4 proposals is alot imv. I only got one.
Do you do stuff other than intense romantic relationships?

Maybe I should try being friends with them first and doing a few "get to know you" activities as friends before dating. Im not sure dating works for me...I am so picky about who I date that by the time I do date them and start seeing them I have an over inflated investment in the whole thing.

Yes, exactly, and I've suggested this approach earlier in the thread. We are so similar, OP, and I've started approaching/responding to men on friendly basis - it's recent so no 'results' yet but I do enjoy the friendly side of it and I've noticed that a few got attracted in the process (so far not the right ones, but it's not the point). I generally tend to be exactly the same -= either disniss men or get passionate AND emotional fast and then expecting more/insecurity. It doesn't work!

Cocoa

How do you normally choose who you get into a relationship if it's not on the basis of who they are as people?

Oh yes there will be guys who lie about their intent.

I wonder if the detractors on this thread are actually out there dating men.

Well first of all, I rule out any of the ones who are separated, newly divorced, attached or dodgy relationship histories. I look for someone who I look forward speaking to and who I find interesting. I look for people who get on with their families and seem to have a good set of friends and interests. I also tend to go for people who roughly have a similar sort of background - relatively educated, professional, not into clubbing or anything I've outgrown.

Usually I spend quite a lot of time asking questions and getting to know them before we actually have a date. Have dated 5 this year.

Man 1: Met on a night out. He was absolutely all over me for months but was very emotionally unavailable and left me very confused. He was a big liar with very severe commitment issues; but he presented himself as the opposite and said all the right things.

Man 2: Met online. Was one date. No spark.

Man 3: Met on a course. Was 6 or 7 dates where I enjoyed his company but neither of us felt a huge spark. Early in, he also confesse severe commitment issues that he's been getting counselling for. Ironically we are now extremely good friends and talk every day.

Man 4: Met online. Was one date. No spark.

Man 5: Met on a night out at the start of the year and he was asking me out ever since. We ended up getting together after he'd been in hot pursuit and grown a sort of friendship with me and we were together 3 or 4 months. This was the one I formed a very deep attraction and attachment to and slept with. As soon as we got close, he pulled away and started headfuckery and admitted he had severe commitment issues. To the point of phobia and being unable to have a relationship with anyone at all.

So perhaps as I read that back it's obvious the three men I have actually chosen and seen more than once this year have all had rather monumental commitment issues. In fact, looking back, all three chased me and won me over and seemed to really like me a lot but were never in a position to have a relationship with anyone. the most recent one hurt me a lot, as I truly did really like him and wanted a long term relationship.

I wonder what it is that makes me choose them though, when the questions and conversations I have with them are designed to rule out anyone who isn't looking for the same thing as me. They all tell me they want what everyone want...life...babies...growing old together!!!

Then they panic and start messing me around. It was okay with the first two men ecause deep down I didn't feel they were right for me, but this last one hurt me a lot!

I can see as I am reading it all that I am obviously bad at picking!!!

OhYes -yes this is me exactly...I either dismiss men entirely, form no real attachment or physical attraction at all OR, I fall madly for them very quickly. That is not to say the latter happens often!!!

I suppose I need a diferrent thread title.

Why do I tend lately to pick men who don't want to have a proper relationship?

As I think that's what's happenning. I know I've not met Mr Right but I have had some good relationships with nice men and just lately feel a bit like a piece of meat.

Maybe it is just modern dating!!!!

I do also probably need to not get quite so keen at the start once I like them!

Or maybe they just don't want a relationship with me

It's very hard to tell the diferrence

But more annoying that they waste my time telling me for months that they really do want a relationship with me

Springydaffs, it's a very good question. I don't mean to make disparaging remarks about the women who are my friends but my married friends act sometimes like they know so much about men and I know nothing when in fact nothing could be further from the truth in my opinion. Having met and married one good man very early on has saved them from ever having to find out all of this stuff! And if i tried to explain it, they would see it as negativity or maybe even 'man-hating' !!! They just have not got a notion how hard it is to date post internet, post-porn, when men five years older than you consider you an older woman............... My friends, as much as I love their good company, they are saved from having to know how to navigate these on line dating candidates!

I've decided to shelve it until after christmas now and that's the best thing I could do right now cocoaPopz. Haven't got all that much planned, but one christmas party, few things with the kids, one long lunch with some school friends just before xmas, christmas shopping, christmas! I am giving myself at least a month off dating before I go back to it in jan. We all need a holiday!

Ha ha what a great idea! Holiday from dating!!

Cocoa, that index made me laugh! Shall I give you mine?

man 1 - told me how his wife left him for his friend and his house was in negative equity and they were cutting back on his hours at work.

man 2- enjoyed the date. he was good company, charismatic. i liked him, i laughed, it was fun! I would have seen him again but after arranging to meet up again, he cancelled it.

man 3, bit pompous and entitled. very average, kinda dull. but nothing wrong with him per se. except, he Kept coughing. Had spots on his neck. He was about 8 years older than me and yet I had the sense he felt he could do a lot better.

Man 4 - really liked him! we've met up about four times but despite an attraction, he's not looking for a relationship with me and I won't sleep with him, so it'll fizzle out as I'm not going to allow myself to contact him. The words "What is the point?'' are ringing in my ears.

Man 5 - so despite really liking man 4 i went out with man five and he was 50 not 45 like he said on his profile, but that's ok, for me, except I deduced that he doesn't really care what I think, the lie was for younger women than I am. He had no children at 50, and after some subtle questioning I discovered that although he really likes me (!) bingo? no he definitely hasn't given up on having children. But he thought I'd like to go to a pub quiz with him five days after he leaked this info to me. I just felt like I couldn't be bothered. he was nice but again, what is the point!!?

man 6 - i tried to identify my target group better. no more men without children. No more men a few years younger - like man 4! This time I was going to do an advanced search for a man about 5 years older and with kids. Found one. We were messaging but he's trying to be so young. We haven't met, but I can tell it's pointless. On the one hand he enjoys my sense of humour and I can see he is intelligent but I know I'm happy being my age, or rather, happy with the life that comes with being my age and he's a 49 yo who goes clubbing. Nope. Next! But not 'til January.

Well I'm older than him and I go clubbing. I don't do the drugs but I love the music and the dancing. So clubbing it is. I'n not looking to hook up with anyone, they're all about 25 anyway.

So don't judge a book by its cover

Chippy that made me laugh.

I agree with you 100% that some people have know idea what dating in your thirties or forties in 2015 is like. It's such a large proportion of tossers.

To give me a little faith back, I just got this Facebook message from someone I dated last year for a couple of months...(very sweet)

I'm so happy to have you in my life. You mean a lot to me. I don't think you actually know how much and that's actually cool by me. Truth - will never forget saying bye to you that day. I wish we'd had longer. I'd have much preferred we spent more time together that late afternoon. The reason I'm drawn forever to you and your friendship is, you are one of life's great women. You're a rare diamond. As someone that's neither a diamond expert, nor a good judge of human character, you can take that last comment advisedly. Good or bad however, I love you to the moon and back and I am a better man for having known you. Lunch in that pub - forget its name - but being there. The walk up from yours - down from the main street. Maybe I'm reminiscing too much. You didn't make it easy right enough but I think maybe it was just good folk, in wrong sorts, with too much shit going on all at the same time. What's immense is we stayed friends. Goodnight you, cause I'm in danger of having a major ramble. Love you. To that moon. And then back again xxx

Which was very nice to get!!!

So maybe not all of them just want to shag me, maybe I just feel that way a bit lately beause I have had a string of emotionally unavailable fuckwits.

Clearly a lot of time-wasters, thinking of getting into OLD after Xmas and am wondering if men have the same problems, i.e. many women on OLD are also there because they have "issues".

Cocoa

The spark - I've been out of the dating thing for so long I'm not even sure what that's going to feel like. I worry it will be triggered by women who are emotionally unavailable (I've unconsciously used emotional unavailability as a compatibility marker in the past ). Could that be what it is for you? How does it feel? Is it like a physical chemistry thing, a "we have so much fun" thing or "must get him to commit to me" thing? Or something else?

cocoa this is an interesting thread.

Here's my thoughts (which I think you said earlier on). You seem to pick the guys who are into the chase. Here's the thing with those guys, a lot of them (as soon as you 'give in' so to speak) will find a new target. Very very few of them will fall hard for someone when they are like this. When they do, in my experience it's a combo of them being totally ready to settle down + right person. If you don't have the first bit, you could have the best time, they won't commit.

The nice, simple guys of this world (and there are lots of them). They don't chase. They try, maybe try again and then move on. They won't jump through hoops because they won't expect a woman to jump through hoops. They wouldn't do that. My advice? Give those guys a second look.

And if you have a 'type', you may need to work on changing that and finding the nice guys 'attractive'

What does hot pursuit mean?

I'd be very irritated with and very unlikely to change my mind about a man I'd said no to, who kept asking me out. He would ask, I would say "no, thank you". I once had a friend repeatedly ask me out and I actually cut the friendship in the end - it got tiresome and embarrassing, and frankly rude. If you say no, it's no. I wouldn't have entertained man 5 as long as you did.

In my experience when I, or my friends, have had the losers around too long, we have had the signs we should cut them loose and ignore them.

Tbh, your Mr That Moon gave me the shudders too. Better man for having known you? Needy, much?!

Pressed too soon...

I just find that with OLD your frequency of potential and actual dates is higher than sticking to real life situations only. And because of that, you just come across more losers.

And I don't much believe in commitment phobia.

It's a bit like the tidy people saying they're OCD.

No, no you're not.

A few people have OCD, many many people like a routine or neatness.

A few people have issues with committing when they want to. Many simple don't want to commit and think it sounds better and more dramatic / bringing of acceptance to say they're commitment phobic. Generally, it's bollocks. They simply choose not to commit, there's no phobia about it.

I'm with Cabrinha re: Mr That Moon man, or as I would say potential "stalker man".

I find his words creepy, obsequious and weird and yet you read them (Op) and find them very sweet. !!!!

rolls out mantra #2

Op, old Russian saying, If three people say your ill, go and see a doctor.

TooSassy has been to the mountaintop.

I do feel like I'm pissing on your chips, but I think it's a point worth considering... you see Mooning About Man as restoring faith and not just being after sex.

I see him as someone OTT flattering you and hoping he'll still get sex (it's just too flattering, that ain't normal friend speak). So later on when he tries it on, it wouldn't upset my universe at all, I'd just and think "chancer".

But sounds like you might think he was all obsessed and then it might upset you that he's another one still wanting sex.

Btw I don't think he is obsessed. I think he's just hoping the flattery will work. That crap about blaming other things - that's setting up the idea that two people WOULD have been together. That's not accepting and respecting you saying he wasn't for you.

Cocoa a lot of what you say resonates with me. I've spent almost 3 years OD searching for 'the one for me' and 50 or so dates later and two brief relationships later I've finally met someone that's coming close to what I think I've been searching for. I've met emotional fuckwits, players, nice guys, weirdos but this one has a box all of his own it's still very early days but he not pushing for sex although our texting can get very flirty but he seems to really listen to me and what I'm looking for and tries to make me happy. I'm not head over heels for him yet but I genuinely like him, he witty and sweet