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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive relationship

156 replies

Clarkey2345 · 02/12/2015 23:15

I am in a mentally abusive relationship and can't leave because my partner has threatened to hurt me and my family should i leave the relationship.

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Marchate · 02/12/2015 23:18

I think abusive partners generally do that. It keeps them in control of you.

IamlovedbyG · 02/12/2015 23:21

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 00:18

Hi IamlovedbyG yes he does keep me away from family and since i have been in a relationship with him i have lost all my friends so don't have any now, yes he is always saying stuff about my family all the time he even keeps me away from seeing our children who aren't in our care at the moment.

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Garlick · 03/12/2015 02:44

Blimey. Poor you.
Are you able to say how he stops you seeing your children?
Is he in a position to hurt your family?

I think you need to talk to Women's Aid. Are you able to make private phone calls? Also, please ensure he can't find you on Mumsnet.

tipsytrifle · 03/12/2015 08:51

This sounds like a desperate situation. I feel you should be making a swift exit. Please contact Women's Aid for practical advice and help in making a plan for flight. I'm thinking the DC are not in your care because of whatever else is going on in this abusive relationship? If you leave and make a new life could they return to you? Are you ready to leave now?

hellsbellsmelons · 03/12/2015 08:59

He's a bully which means he is a coward.
It's all word to keep you in your place.
Get to a police station and ask for the DV team and get away.
You've already lost your children don't lose yourself as well.
He is NOT above the law. Police and Womens Aid can help you here.
Would you family be supportive if you asked for their help?
You know you can't stay like this forever.
He will use all sorts of ways to keep you but you can escape.

cafemall · 03/12/2015 09:00

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hellsbellsmelons · 03/12/2015 09:33

Have reported cafemall.
Don't click on the links in that post.
It should be deleted soon.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 09:58

Hi Garlick my children are in school all day when i am down my parents house and then when they finish school i get to see them for about half hour before i have to be back home ready in time for when he finishes work so i only ever see them about half hour every day which isn't enough for me.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 10:08

Hi tipsytrifle until i leave this abusive relationship and my partner i cannot have my children back in my care it's been 4 years now since my children were taken out of my care and it breaks my heart everyday not being able to be a mum to my children instead i am with this person who controls me and speaks to me like crap as well as threatens me, i really have had enough of this relationship i don't have any friends and don't go out at all.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 10:12

Hihellsbellsmellons he isn't afraid of the police and he has made a lot of threats not only towards me but to my family as well we also have a family pet dog living with us and he threatened to hurt her once and i am worried should i leave and go into the shelter i won't be able to take her with me and he may hurt her because she is petrified of him when he shouts.

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Marilynsbigsister · 03/12/2015 11:00

If you go to your parents everyday, why don't you take your dog and stay there.? Call women's aid from your parents house and get police and legal procedures in place to prevent him coming to the property. Also call social services and let them know your intentions. They must be able to provide assistance. Your children have lost their mother for 4 yrs, is this the first time you have decided to leave him ?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 11:46

Hi Marilynsbigsister i cannot take my dog to my parents house as my parents have a dog also and they wouldn't get on together, yes this is the first time i have decided to leave him although i have thought about it a few times before because i am sick and tired of the way he treats me and controls me all the time.

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Garlick · 03/12/2015 12:53

It sounds like he's managed to control your thoughts so much that you can't even imagine getting free. Now you are thinking about it - well done!

From here, it doesn't make sense to lose your children for the sake of a dog. Dogs can be fostered, rehomed or kept separate from another dog. It looks like your mind's coming up with reasons not to leave - it's understandable, but it comes from his control rather than common sense.

People will help you organise your thoughts. While you're at your parents', can you phone Women's Aid and your social worker? Women's Aid for advice, and SS to keep them in the loop. Will your parents be supportive, do you think?

Marilynsbigsister · 03/12/2015 12:57

Then you have to walk yourself and your dog into a police station and ask for the DV unit. They will organise a place in a refuge and will be able to put your dog into temporary shelter. They can also arrange for your family to be protected and injunctions against your partner coming near you and yours. I have a feeling that you won't do any of this though. The dog is your latest 'reason' not to leave. I know you are scared but this is HOW men like your partner control people. There is only one way to deal with this and that is to put one foot in front of the other and get yourself to women's aid or the police and tell them what you have written here. In fact if it's easier and you have a smart phone, show them all your threads. You have to do something. Do not put the dog up there as a reason not to be with your children.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 13:14

Hi Marilynsbigsister i don't think our local police station has DV units if i am honest my partner is very controlling and the main reason to not leave again is fear because i have seen how violent he can be and he also has smashed things up in the house in temper aswell and it's very frightening, i will chat with woman's aid to see what options are available although it's all about that first step of leaving him and the abusive relationship behind and getting my life and children back.

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Robotgirl · 03/12/2015 13:25

Clarkey
Please read all the brilliant advice on here again and leave this vile man.
Your life doesn't have to be like this. There is amazing support out there.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 13:47

Hi Robotgirl yes all the advice on here has been amazing and i am very grateful i am going to chat with woman's aid when i get home and see what advice they can give me over the phone i don't think they will be able to stop him from doing his threats because he isn't frightened of the police at all.

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Garlick · 03/12/2015 13:48

It's really good that you will call Women's Aid :)

hellsbellsmelons · 03/12/2015 13:56

It doesn't matter if he is frightened of them or not.
The law is the law and if he doesn't abide by it he will go to prison.
The police have seen hundreds of arseholes just like your OH and they know how to handle them! Let them do their job and get him away from you.
Womens Aid can certainly point you in the right direction.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 14:22

I know just worried they won't be able to stop him from carrying out his threats to both me and my family, i should have left him a very long time ago he doesn't respect me or show that he loves me all he does in control me calls me names and threatens me and doesn't seem to think he's doing anything wrong by treating me this way and also that he's keeping me away from our children and stopping me being a mum.

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Garlick · 03/12/2015 14:56

Don't take his word on what the police can and can't do. He's got an interest in making you think he's stronger than the law. Women's Aid should be able to update you on what kind of protection is available; there's also no reason why you shouldn't phone the police and ask to speak with their DV officer, and ask them.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 17:14

Had a brief chat with woman's aid but had to put the phone down because my parents came and didn't want anyone hearing me chat about my relationship will phone again soon as i can.

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Garlick · 03/12/2015 18:15

Well done, Clarkey Star

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 18:34

Thanks going to try and call them again tomorrow and have anothe chat felt nice to chat with Womans aid about my relationship and the way i am treated by him

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