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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive relationship

156 replies

Clarkey2345 · 02/12/2015 23:15

I am in a mentally abusive relationship and can't leave because my partner has threatened to hurt me and my family should i leave the relationship.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 09:22

Hi Marilynsbigsister no i am not married to him thank god although he has brought up the subject of getting married a few times, i am from mid Glamorgan and any info on a local DV unit will be great.

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Jux · 09/12/2015 11:35

Your family can be as protected from his violence as you can. Please let the police and other agencies do what they're there to do, or else what's the point in having them?

Have your parents got friends they could ask about temporarily rehoming cats and dogs?

Look, I know you find it embarrassing that your relationship is an abusive one, but that's not your fault. It's not your fault.

How is your relationship with your parents? How was it when you were a child? Assuming your parents are normal, you must try to remember that he is the violent, abusive one. You aren't. Please try to push that shame, guilt, whatever it is aside and ask your parents for help. Please let them be parents to you.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 16:43

Hi Jux my relationship with my parents is ok at the moment, it's was great when i was a child aswell. I am going to ring woman's aid now when i get home because my partner is in work now so be a great time.

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Marilynsbigsister · 09/12/2015 20:20

What about pets | Refuge
www.refuge.org.uk › get-help-now › wh...
*
OP.* If you cut and paste the above into Google, it will bring up a web page explaining exactly what you need. The number for the South Wales police domestic violence headquarters is 01639 640248. If you call that number they will be able to put you in touch with the unit nearest you. Who in turn will be able to provide you with the support and information you need when you decide to leave.

Jux · 09/12/2015 21:10

Good luck with the phoning.

Talk to your mum. Tell her what's going on. You could do with real life support, and who better to give it to you than your mum? Your family can call the police on him much more easily than you can should he trynything on with them; to be honest though, I wonder whether that isn't a threat to keep you under control, which he has no intention of carrying through on?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 21:16

Thanks Marilynsbigsister will ring the head quarters number tomorrow and see if they can help me.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 22:28

Hi Jux i don't feel comfortable telling my mum about my domestic abuse relationship to be honest and don't have any friends either.

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pocketsaviour · 09/12/2015 22:54

Clarkey I know it can feel embarassing to tell people you're in an abusive relationship.

What do you worry about your mum saying? Are you worried she will say "We told you he was no good!" or are you afraid she'll say that you deserve it? (I hope your mum is not like this, but sadly some are.)

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 10/12/2015 10:22

Hi Pocketsaviour i know she won't say i deserve it because she isn't like that but i just don't want all the fussing over me and them knowing exactly what i have been through and how he's treated me.

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pocketsaviour · 10/12/2015 14:49

Look at it this way. If your daughter was grown up, and with a man who was treating her like this and making her feel so frightened and sad, would you want her to tell you? Wouldn't you want to help?

hellsbellsmelons · 10/12/2015 15:20

Exactly what pocket says.
If my DD felt she couldn't come to me for support in this situation I would be devastated and also feel like I've failed her in some way.
Please reach out. You NEED some RL support and if your parents are good then please let them help you.

Jux · 10/12/2015 19:26

How were WA? I hope you managed to get a decent chance to talk before someone came home.

I think I am worrying about you not telling your parents because you are so isolated. If you had friends, even just one you could talk to, I would worry less. But, it is your decision.

You will feel much stronger and more sure of yourself if you do find real life support, though, so concentrate on finding ways to talk to WA, police dv unit etc.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme. I don't know how feasible it might be for you to get to a weekly meeting, but if you can, this may well be the best thing you can do. It is a good thing to do anyway, but with so little outlet in rl for you to get validation - and considering how justly scred you are too - this could be the difference between getting out and not.

lavent · 10/12/2015 20:01

Hi OP - have Women's Aid offered a local domestic abuse support worker to get in touch with you? You can meet for coffee somewhere during the day when he is at work and make a plan. They will advise what documents etc you need to get if you can.
Thinking of you.

DollyTwat · 10/12/2015 23:15

Op surely if you just leave, you can call the rspca and tell them there are animals that need to be rescued?

I love animals as much as the next person, but surely your own safety and your children are the priority here?

BrokenGirl1 · 11/12/2015 00:57

I'm sorry CP have a waiting list. Dolly, sadly the RSPCA are fairly useless.
I agree with the others, please tell your parents.

jessicame · 11/12/2015 07:29

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 11/12/2015 12:17

Hi Pocketsaviour yes of course i would want to help.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 11/12/2015 12:18

Hi Hellsbellsmelons thanks will be looking to chat with woman's aid again at some point today.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 11/12/2015 12:21

Hi Jux me and my counsellor spoke about the freedom programme a few times but with him phoning me a lot through the day then it would make it difficult to attend one weekly, will speak with woman's aid again toss though.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 11/12/2015 12:22

Hi Jux meant will speak with them today though.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 11/12/2015 12:25

Hi lavent no they said they can only offer a support worker for special circumstances so will just have to keep chatting to woman's aid over the phone.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 11/12/2015 12:28

Hi DollyTwat no the rspca won't help phoned them about the animals before and they wouldn't help so speaking with other animal charities now to see if they will help.

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lavent · 11/12/2015 13:13

OP oh that's such a shame. I find mine an amazing help and I know she meets up with ladies who have not yet escaped and helps them. Different areas though and funding is such an issue for domestic abuse services sadly.
Hopefully they will advise you on the phone regarding the essentials that you really should grab before you leave.
Did you have any luck with the police DV unit thing someone else mentioned?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 11/12/2015 13:25

No haven't spoken with woman's aid yet to ask them if there are any local DV units available but will be speaking with them today so hopefully they can give me more advice.

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