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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive relationship

156 replies

Clarkey2345 · 02/12/2015 23:15

I am in a mentally abusive relationship and can't leave because my partner has threatened to hurt me and my family should i leave the relationship.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 08/12/2015 00:16

I know you said that earlier about the waiting list for dog. Is why I suggested more proactive approaches to find an alternative and how that might invigorate your own efforts to leave. One call won't cut it for resolving your hideous life situation. It won't suffice for dog either. Christmas is the big Dump Time for older pets.

Alternatively you recognise dog as one of your dependants, a member of your family, and take with you alongside children to WA. Who will indeed have dealt with this situation before.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 08/12/2015 03:49

Oh God, this is like banging your head against a brick wall. You just keep repeating the same information on a loop without listening to what we are saying or answering any questions.

Hi Badlybehaved yes i was trying for legal aid to get my children back in my care the solicitor made an application for legal aid but it was refused to couldn't get any more help off a solicitor.

Yes I realise that thank you, but my point was that whether or not you can get legal aid is not really the issue. You can get legal aid in abuse domestic abuse situations I believe, although I am sure it's not as easy as it was. My pointwas that you will not be given legal aid to fight a social services decision while you are still not complying with the basic conditions set out by them - ie. leaving him. Whether he was originally the cause of the children being removed or not, they obviously (and quite rightly) have huge concerns about him.

Right. What I think you are saying is that your children were taken not as a direct result of your partner being abusive, but for some other (possibly indirect/related) reason, such as your poor mental health, or neglect of the children, unacceptably filthy home, or whatever.

Maybe social service found out that he was abusive after they were taken? And that is why they will not consider looking at your case again, because you haven't yet left him?

Did you have mental health problems when the children were removed?

Why do your parents believe they are caring for your children? You say they don't like your partner and he has nothing to do with them or the children - have they suggested to you before that things would be better if you left him?

tipsytrifle · 08/12/2015 08:39

Sorry, got carried away. Obviously you won't have children with you as they are cared for elsewhere. You and Dog, then. Out of there asap. How about it?

tipsytrifle · 08/12/2015 08:44

I also think you should make your parents aware of the true situation. Perhaps they would take dog but you haven't asked them. Perhaps they would take you in too, but you haven't asked them. Yet they must know something is very amiss because they are looking after your DC?

Are you ready to make the choices you need to make to change your life?

Jux · 08/12/2015 11:48

Are the children with his parents? Shock When he is the abuser?

How much does he see them?

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 08/12/2015 11:54

No they are with her parents and she goes there every day while her partner is at work, sees the children after school then goes home in time for him to come in from work.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 08/12/2015 11:54

And he doesn't bother to have any contact with the children, his choice, not court ordered by the sounds of things.

Jux · 08/12/2015 13:01

I'm sorry I didn't get that. Thanks for putting me right. I think what confused me was her desire to keep her parents unaware of the dv. Surely if the children are there, they must have been told some reason by SS why it was necessary? I'm just a bit confused, sorry.

Clarkey, none of my confusion detracts from my support for you, and the hope that you can get this all sorted out. Also that you get out of your relationship with this horrible man who has cost you pretty well everything that matters.

IDependOnCodeineToo · 08/12/2015 13:57

I want to help just not sure how. Hope you're ok OP.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 16:34

Hi badlybehaved no i didn't have any mental health problems and my parents have told me they would love for me to move back home and being a mum to my children, my parents know why they have care of my children but isn't to do with my domestic abuse relationship because i haven't told them about the way he is treating me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 16:36

Hi tipsytrifle they cannot look after my dog as they have one themselves so wouldn't be able to help with the dog that's why she would have to go into temporary foster until i get help from woman's aid about my relationship.

OP posts:
FlameProofBoots · 08/12/2015 16:48

Do you want to tell us why your parents have your children? It would make it easier to give you advice, I think.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 08/12/2015 16:50

my parents have told me they would love for me to move back home and being a mum to my children

so why not do that then?
Find someone to take the dog.
Move home. Get an injunction against your partner.
Phone the police the minute he cones witjin shouting distance of you, your kids or your parents. Each and everytime he does it until he stops. The police are thete to protect you - as long as you call them and you make them aware of what goes on.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 17:07

Hi SmallLegs he made a threats that if i leave him and he cannot find me he will hurt my family he will slash my dads car tyres and even stated he would run it off the road even though he knows our children travel in the car so it's not simple to just get up and go back to my parents, i am chatting with foster places now to see if someone can take my dog but with it being so close to Christmas now they said they cannot help me until at least january.

OP posts:
SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 08/12/2015 17:16

Even making the threats is against the law op. You could have him arrest3d for that.
If he slashes your dad's tyres that is criminal damage , he can be arrested for that.
If you get an inuunction against him and he breaches it, he can be arrested for that.

He is not above the law.

And the chances are he will hurt you and probably other people even if you stay. So better to get the police 8nvolved sooner rather than later.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 17:22

He always says the police don't bother him because i have told him if he lays a finger on me i will phone the police and have him arrested and he says go on then see if i care so the police wouldn't bother him and that's why i think he would carry out his threats to hurt me and my family.

OP posts:
IDependOnCodeineToo · 08/12/2015 17:28

But we keep telling you that it doesn't matter if he's scared of the police or not, facts are facts and if he threatens you or your family he can be arrested. Even if he's smiling and laughing in their faces.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 17:40

Yes i understand i tried ringing again today but he came home from work so couldn't chat with him hopefully i can chat with them tomorrow and get out of this domestic abuse relationship.

OP posts:
bendybootpumpkinpatch · 08/12/2015 17:55

I very much doubt you will op.
Your posts are like a broken record. You repeat them over and over.

So what if your dh isn't afraid of the police they will still arrest him?
Di what if he threatens to slash the tyres? Let him then get him arrested.
You have had your kids taken away from you! ! Isn't that enough!

pocketsaviour · 08/12/2015 18:12

Clarkey, he lies. Okay? He tells lies, you know this.

Also if he slashes your dad's tyres (which he won't), big fucking deal. They're tyres. Your dad will claim on his insurance and get them replaced.

It's a pity you haven't called his bluff in the past and rang the police. Your abuser sounds chillingly like mine actually, I can almost hear him saying the same words. "I don't give a shit, they can fucking do one, they can get out of my business!" Yeah, no. Police don't generally think much of idiots who tell them to "do one".

You are letting him tell you fairy stories about how you can't escape him, and you're falling for it. I know when you're inside the net with him, it all sounds real. But it's not. There are people out there who will help you get rid of this awful bastard, and you will never have to swallow his lies again.

Please speak to WA about a refuge place, as other people have said, they are used to people turning up with dogs, cats, all sorts. It will be okay. Please don't use the dog as an excuse to not take action.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 18:38

Hi Bendyboot I don't want him to be anywhere near my parents let alone slashes my dads tyres etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 18:43

Hi pocket saviour i will be speaking with them again tomorrow and getting a safety plan put in place also i have been chatting the charities about getting the dog into foster places while i get out of the relationship because i cannot take her into refuge.

OP posts:
Jux · 08/12/2015 19:20

Don't worry too much about the dog right now. If you get a refuge place, they will be able to deal with the dog, and that will give you time to find somewhere of your own, where you can have the dog and the children.

Going to a refuge will also ensure that you have all the support you need now and will need in the future. You can keep him away from you by legal means, which will ensure he is arrested if he comes near you, your parents, your home, their home, the children's schools.

If he ignores Court Orders he will go to jail. If he continues to ignore Court Orders he will go back to jail for longer.

Please please talk to Women's Aid. Ask for a refuge place now. He is dangerous and will become more so. Please do it as soon as you can. You can take the dog with you, so please don't hide behind the need to care for it.

We are all behind you.

pocketsaviour · 08/12/2015 19:30

That's really good news about making a safety plan, well done. Keep phoning them Clarkey, you can and you will get out of this.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 21:11

Hi Jux he is very controlling and i am meant to be going away on Sunday for the day shopping with the family and because i won't sleep with him he turned around and said well you won't be going Sunday then will you i said i have already paid so i will be going he said we will see.

OP posts:
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