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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive relationship

156 replies

Clarkey2345 · 02/12/2015 23:15

I am in a mentally abusive relationship and can't leave because my partner has threatened to hurt me and my family should i leave the relationship.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 21:13

Thanks pocket saviour i just need to take that first step and leave because i really don't want to be in this abusive relationship anymore.

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Marilynsbigsister · 08/12/2015 22:21

Your partner does not see your children by choice. Your parents don't like him. Your parents have looked after your 3 children aged under 7 for 4 yrs. those are the facts that you have told us. You have also told us that your parents are unaware of your DV relationship. I think you are in denial. What do they say about a father who never sees his children ? They can't not have noticed. ?. What will they say when you don't go shopping on Sunday ?
I know you are saying that your DV relationship is not the reason for the removal ( and I don't mean to be harsh, but having told us the children have been removed and having denied any mental health or substance abuse problems, there leaves very few alternatives besides serious neglect or catastrophic illness/disability - which I think you would have mentioned- ) so the presumption must be neglect. - So the kids have been removed, social services have probably gleaned info about your partner from the children thus making it clear that they are not going back into a household with him. Your job has to be to get yourself together, get settled in a new home , prove yourself able to step up to the challenge of parenthood. The only person stopping you is you.
Unlike most women in this situation you are not watched every minute of the day. You are not held prisoner in your home, you do not need to slip out of the house in the clothes you are wearing carrying a couple of kids. You can walk out the door carrying a suitcase of your belongings and take yourself to a refuge along with your dog, every single day he leaves for work. The only person stopping you is you.

Do you really believe that if you turn up at a refuge with your dog asking for safe haven, they are going to tell you to 'go home, we can't deal with dogs' ? Do you honestly believe you are the first DV victim who has to protect a family pet from a violent abuser ? The answer of course is no. So the question is clarkey , why don't you and the dog walk out the door tomorrow ?

tipsytrifle · 08/12/2015 23:06

Clarkey please - dogs accept other dogs. Stop assuming. Parents might well accept you too. You have the option of finding other places for dog because, sure as Christmas is Christmas, the rspca will not help.

The first place you phone beyond them might not help. It might take a dozen or so calls. Canine Defence, rescues for your breed of dog are also online. Phone cat rescues and ask for contact numbers. Your vet will know folk who rescue. They all know each other.

They are volunteers, off the grid largely, until someone seeks them out. People like me who work a zillion hrs pw to feed the cats I've taken in. Not a charity, just me. There are many like me for dogs too.

You and dog can just walk out and be free of this with the potential to get your kids back.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 23:22

Hi Marilynsbigsister there isn't anything they can say about him not seeing his children as its his choice not to see his children even though he's there father and should want to spend time with them, they won't be very happy if i don't go shopping as this trip was arranged a few weeks back but he will kick off if i go and he says no i ain't going anywhere. If i new i could walk to a refuge tomorrow with my dog and they wouldn't turn me away i would go tomorrow but when i chatted with woman's aid they said that the refuge places don't accept animals, i cannot leave her behind with him because she is petrified of him and every time he shouts she tries to hide behind me or upstairs and i won't think she would be safe left with him at all.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 23:26

Hi tipsytrifle yes i am getting contact numbers of other foster charities she is such a nervous dog because of the way he acts shouting and threatening etc i am worried how she would cope with a stranger while i am in refuge, but i will find temporary foster for her and get myself out of this abusive relationship.

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Florene · 08/12/2015 23:27

  1. All police forces have access to a DV team, which can be accessed through contact with local stations. Ring 101to report abuse and agree convenient time and place to meet with them.

  2. Police DV units have access to charities that provide emergency foster care for pets to allow abused partner to leave quickly.

  3. Why do you keep having to cut short your calls to Women's Aid? If your partner works outside the home, which you've said he does, call them as soon as he leaves for work to minimise chances of him returning before you have time to finish the call.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 08/12/2015 23:37

Hi Florene i will ring 101 and ask if they have a local DV unit because i don't think they do where i live but will ask, it would be great if they did have emergency foster care for pets although i don't think he would be happy with me taking the dog with me and we also have cats at home and would be worried incase they wouldn't be looked after when i leave. Every time i do get chance to phone woman's aid either he comes home from work or his dad comes home and them i have to put the phone down as i don't want them knowing i am on the phone with woman's aid about our relationship and how he's been treating me.

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tipsytrifle · 08/12/2015 23:45

How many pets are involved here? Are you phoning round about the cats too? You've only mentioned the dog until now. Why is his Dad coming home too? Do you all live together? Maybe I missed stuff ...

IDependOnCodeineToo · 08/12/2015 23:46

Can't you ring them as soon as he leaves for work?

Here's an idea - are you going to bring up the Sunday shopping trip again? If you are, record the entire conversation on your phone. Everything, all his threats etc. Then at the next possible chance, take your phone into the police station and play them the recording. tell them about all the pets.

However, DON'T try to wind him up or entice him to say worse things to you for the benefit of the recording, just try to do it in the background of a conversation you would have had anyway. Worth trying maybe?

Florene · 08/12/2015 23:47

The Police DV unit may not be based locally to you, but you report on 101, the log is passed to your local station, and arrangements are then made for them to get in touch with you. They will travel anywhere they are required in their force area.

Unless your partner and his father work opposite shifts, there must be a point in the day, presumably early on, when you can make a phone call in privacy. You need to prioritise the calls. You said you go to your parents every afternoon - do you drive there or walk? You could call during the journey.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 00:03

We have a few cats and the dog i have tried a number of charities for the cats even the rspca but they aren't any help, no you haven't missed anything it's his dad's house so he lives here to.

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tipsytrifle · 09/12/2015 00:05

So his Dad is complicit in his abuse of you? He can't be unaware if he lives there surely ...

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 00:06

He hasn't mentioned the shopping trip anymore yet but he probably will before Sunday so will try and record what he says to me on my phone as he may use threats again.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 00:08

Thanks Florene will ring 101 and ask them, my parents pick me up everyday so don't really get time on my own but will try and ring them tomorrow before he gets home from work.

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tipsytrifle · 09/12/2015 00:08

Is his father also part of the story behind dc living with your parents? Are you escaping two abusers?

IDependOnCodeineToo · 09/12/2015 00:10

Ok, but don't worry if you can't. Your safety is much much more important. You don't need to have a recording to leave, just to do what others have said, go to the police station with the dog and tell them everything you've written in your threads on here.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 00:10

His dad sees and knows about the way he treats me but doesn't get involved in the relationship he treats his dad not very good either he's quite verbally abusive to him also with name calling and threats.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 00:11

No his dad isn't anything to do with it

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IDependOnCodeineToo · 09/12/2015 00:12

Oh wow...hes abusing both of you.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 00:13

Yes my safety is important especially with all the threats he's made towards me and my family should i leave him so will tell that to woman's aid and the DV unit at the police station.

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Applecrumbling · 09/12/2015 00:21

What threats has he made towards you? Does he have a criminal history? You need to get out of his grip..

BrokenGirl1 · 09/12/2015 00:27

Flowers It's not as simple as just leave - but you can do it. I'm sorry he's an abusive twunt.
Have you tried Cats Protection for the cats? www.cats.org.uk/I have found them to be very good, they should be able to take them or know someone who can.

Marilynsbigsister · 09/12/2015 07:33

If you PM me Clarkey and let me know the town or county you are in, I will find out about the DV unit for you and the position regarding re homing pets/fostering pets whilst you are waiting to be rehoused. That way you don't have to keep putting the phone down. I will then PM you back with all the information you need to get out. On a practical note OP, are you married to this twunt ? Do you have any money or access to any money ? I am guessing you do as you have mentioned going shopping on Sunday and having paid for it.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 08:44

Hi Applecrumbling he has said that if i leave the relationship and he cannot find me then he will hurt my family.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 09/12/2015 09:19

Thanks BrokenGirl1 cats protection have got a waiting list at the moment i have used them in the past to rehome cats and they were brilliant, will try a few more charities though and see if they can help.

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