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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive relationship

156 replies

Clarkey2345 · 02/12/2015 23:15

I am in a mentally abusive relationship and can't leave because my partner has threatened to hurt me and my family should i leave the relationship.

OP posts:
Robotgirl · 03/12/2015 20:15

That's a big step you took today, Clarkey. Give yourself the best Christmas present ever. Freedom from him.

Robotgirl · 03/12/2015 20:16

& keep posting on here for brilliant support Thanks

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 03/12/2015 20:34

Thanks they were lovely to chat with just have to phone again tomorrow now and have another chat and hopefully get some advice about safety for when i leave him and the relationship.

OP posts:
Robotgirl · 04/12/2015 19:23

How are things, Clarkey?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 04/12/2015 19:33

Hi Robotgirl things are good thanks not had chance to phone woman's aid again yet but will ring soon i can and have another chat with them.

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 04/12/2015 21:51

How many children do you have clarkey ? How old are they. I know you have said you see them at your parents house. Does your partner also see them. Is he allowed ?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 04/12/2015 23:10

Marilynsbigsister i have 3 children all under 7 years old and no he doesn't bother to see his children or spend time with them he doesn't even ask how they are, he is allowed to see him but chooses not to.

OP posts:
Jux · 04/12/2015 23:38

Well done on making the decision, and then on phoning WA. I hope you do manage to call them again. I think you will find rl support very useful.

Your local police station may be too small to have its own dv unit, but they will put you through to, or give you a number for, the nearest dv unit. It is a good idea to talk to them too. You say your h is violent, so that needs to be recorded officially by the police, as I suspect you will need that in future.

You can do this! You will be fine, and your children will be allowed to live with you again. Think of that, and keep on keeping on!

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 04/12/2015 23:53

Hi jux yes i will be speaking with woman's aid and i don't think my police station does have a domestic violence unit maybe woman's aid can give me a number to a local domestic violence unit so i can chat with them, i don't think my children will be allowed back in my care now though as it's been 4 years they haven't been in my care and it breaks my heart not to have them with me and be there mum.

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 05/12/2015 13:23

That's very sad for you Clarkey , I am assuming that with 3 under 7 and not having them live with you for 4 yrs, the baby was removed at birth or soon after ? along with a 2 and 3 yr old ?. I know you don't want to discuss the reasons except to say that it's not DV related. Which is fine and we don't need to know, only that whatever the issue, it must be very very serious for social services to remove so many tiny children from their mum. Do you have contact with a social worker, or any mental health professional ? Do you trust anyone like this to confide in. ? They are the people in real life who can hold your hand and help you through this, whilst keeping you safe. You have mentioned that getting away from your partner would enable you to 'get your children back'. Is that just what you hope or is that a fact that social services have confirmed ?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 05/12/2015 17:33

No there aren't social workers involved anymore i did phone them last year to ask if there was any chance i could get them back in my care and they said i need to get a solicitor for legal advice but i don't work so can't afford a solicitor.

OP posts:
nagsandovalballs · 05/12/2015 21:54

What is your relationship with your parents like? Can you speak to them about how to escape?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 05/12/2015 22:38

My relationship with my parents is ok but don't want them to know i am in a domestic abuse relationship.

OP posts:
Mermaidhair1 · 05/12/2015 22:39

There should be an organisation that fosters pets in situations like these. We have them in Australia. Call your rspca and ask them.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 05/12/2015 22:54

I spoke to someone from rspca but at the moment they don't have any spaces so close to Christmas and won't have any now until the new year but i have to fill out an application form for my pet to go on the waiting list.

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nagsandovalballs · 05/12/2015 23:06

You need to tell your parents! There is NO shame in it. To admit to abuse is the BRAVEST THING YOU CAN DO. I am sure they will be relieved to find out what on earth is going on with you and the struggles you have had over the past few years. I am sure they already have their doubts about your partner as why else would your kids be taken away?

Also, they must have some information/hints as otherwise why would they have your kids? Sorry if I have misinterpreted your previous post, but it seems as though your parents are caring for your children?

Jux · 05/12/2015 23:33

Please tell your parents, give them the chance to be parents and help you.

Think of it like this. You love your children, and one is in an abusive relationship. Would you want her to tell you, despite all the worry it will cause you and so on, or would you want her to keep it to herself so you can carry on with your life regardless?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 06/12/2015 00:50

Nagsandovalballs they don't like my partner at all and we haven't really chatted about why the kids were placed in my parents care but i miss them very much my parents are in there 60s now and it must be hard work for them with two young children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 06/12/2015 00:52

Hi jux your right they would feel better knowing but it would be so embarrassing to tell them i am in a domestic abuse relationship, they would love me to have my children back in my care but can't when i am with there dad.

OP posts:
nagsandovalballs · 07/12/2015 00:42

Then leave him. Women's aid now. If you love your children, then you need to get back in contact with women's aid. Sod what your parents or anyone else thinks. your biggest job right now is to get safe and away from this man. Make the call and get the hell out of there. This is no life for you or your kids, or your parents (but most importantly you and your kids). Women's aid will protect you from him and will get you on your feet in terms of sorting out benefits etc.

Right now, this is your most important and only job: use women's aid, get safe, then get your kids. Call WA again, please, as soon as you can.

And I speak as a major pet lover who has horses, dogs and cats - your pet is not more important than your kids. Re home, put him down, take him to a rescue or foster. Or just leave regardless and report him to the rscpca. Do you want to get 10 years down the line and have to be the one who tells your children "sorry I didn't leave your abusive father and look after you myself, but the dog's safety and happiness was more important"? This is a bit of tough love from me, and I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but just imagine saying that to your gorgeous little kids when they are teenagers and you've missed out on all their triumphs and achievements, all their firsts (first sleepover, first lost tooth, first prize at sports day, first date), and missed out on comforting them as they make mistakes and feel ill and ask for their mum.
Call WA now!

JohnThomas69 · 07/12/2015 03:56

I take the welfare and safety of my dog very seriously too and I personally would make every effort to ensure they were not left on there own in a house with what sounds like a heartless monster.
There's an absolute glut of rehousing charities nowadays that would be more than happy to collect the dog from you when the time comes if you explain the circumstances.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 07/12/2015 04:10

But surely your parents ALREADY know you are in a domestic abuse situation? Otherwise why on earth do they think they have been caring for your children for the last four years? Confused If they are all under seven they must have been removed by social services when they were tiny yet you 'dont really talk about why' with your parents? Confused

Is there more to this? We're the children removed purely because you refuse to leave their father or was it because of issues with you as well, such a neglect or mental health problems? What you are saying so far doesn't really make sense.

You should get the dog rehomed or temporarily fostered, move in with your parents , get an injunction/non molestation order out on your partner and apply to the council for rehousing on the grounds of overcrowding at your parents. But maybe stay there a while so things stabilise a bit.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 10:09

Hi nagsandovalballs i am going to ring woman's aid again today tried to phone them twice yesterday but they were busy so was on hold for ages then my partner came home so couldn't chat with them then about my relationship, i love my children and want them back in my care and to start being a mum again but i am worried that after not having them in my care for 4 years then the court maybe decide i cannot have them back now.

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Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 10:13

Hi JohnThomas69 i tried the rspca who cannot help me right now so close to Christmas they said they may be able to help me in the new year and have her in temporary foster but i don't know if there will be room she will have to go on a waiting list.

OP posts:
Jux · 07/12/2015 11:42

Tell your parents. They already know there's a massive problem as your children aren't you. So tell them all about it and ask for their help. You never know, they might even have the dog!