Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive relationship

156 replies

Clarkey2345 · 02/12/2015 23:15

I am in a mentally abusive relationship and can't leave because my partner has threatened to hurt me and my family should i leave the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 11:46

Hi Badlybehaved my parents don't know i am in a domestic abuse relationship because i haven't told them about the way he treats me, social services told me that as long as i am with there father i cannot have my children back in my care so that is why they are living with there grandparents at the moment and not me. I am going to contact woman's aid today and see what options are available to me about leaving the relationship safely, i phoned the rspca but they cannot take her into foster so close to christmas as they have no space and she would have to go on a waiting list.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 11:47

Hi jux they cannot help with my dog as they have a dog also and he is old now and they wouldn't get on, i would feel embarrassed if they knew i was in a domestic abuse relationship.

OP posts:
FlameProofBoots · 07/12/2015 11:51

But surely they know you are, otherwise they wouldn't have your children.

chocolatedrops31 · 07/12/2015 13:15

Just to let you know, you can get legal aid in care cases, so wouldn't have to pay for any legal advice. I'd suggest you see a solicitor asap

nagsandovalballs · 07/12/2015 13:57

Embarrassed??! You don't have your kids! That's 'embarrassing' - UNTIL someone reveals they've been abused by their dp. Then it makes sense. It's awful and sad, but understandable.

I would seriously judge a mother who had had her kids taken from her for being an unfit mother, because you have to be the most awful neglectful person to get to that stage (unless there has been a miscarriage of justice, which I appreciate does happen far too often). I would never judge a mother who had had them taken from her because she had been subject to an abusive and controlling relationship, as that is not the mum's fault.

You have a path before you. You dont need to fight for your children right now (although yes you qualify for legal aid). Right now, focus on getting free and living in a refuge. Then you will be free to see your children more often, move closer to your parents or move in with them. Once you prove that you have left your vile excuse for a partner and prove you have made good steps towards building a healthy relationship with your DC, you will stand a very good chance of getting them back.

JohnThomas69 · 07/12/2015 14:22

The help is there. Set aside adequate time. You obviously have access to the net and if as you say he works then getting the ball rolling shouldn't be an issue.
I don't quite understand why you've continued in a relationship for 4 years with this man at the expense of having a relationship with your kids but hey ho, each to there own.

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 14:57

Hi FlameProofBoots there are other reasons as to why my children are with there grandparents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 14:59

Chocolatedrops31 i tried for legal aid last year and they wouldn't let me have it they refused the legal aid don't know why.

OP posts:
FlameProofBoots · 07/12/2015 15:28

You said up thread that you couldn't have your children back while you were with him. Whatever reason it is, the fact that he hasn't faded into the background to allow you to have them back is abusive in itself. I can't see your parents being surprised he's abusive in other ways.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 07/12/2015 16:37

there are other reasons as to why my children are with there grandparents.

Thought so.

What were you trying for legal aid for? To get your children back? That's a bit pointless when you are still with their abusive father. Why don't you make a start by telling your parents everything (which I am quite sure they have already worked out for themselves anyway) and once you have them on board it will be easier to leave your partner. I am not sure why you think you need to hide his abuse from them, is it not already humiliating and painful enough to have had your children removed from your care? But you are more concerned with what people might think about your relationship with him, rather than your conduct as a mother? Confused

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 07/12/2015 16:39

social services told me that as long as i am with there father i cannot have my children back in my care so that is why they are living with there grandparents at the moment and not me.

So why do they think they are caring full time for your children for 4 whole years?

tipsytrifle · 07/12/2015 18:21

The RSPCA really aren't going to help, especially with an older dog. Try local rescues, the vet will know of some in your area. Try putting a poster up in your vet's too. You might do an internet search for local places too. Then ring round and round, beg and plead for help. It can be done but it needs some effort.

An older dog is not going to be re-homed with ease though fostering is a possibility. You might get advice about the poor dog's options on the board here that's called The Doghouse, I think.

Perhaps getting your dog out of this dreadful environment will fuel your own departure.

IDependOnCodeineToo · 07/12/2015 18:26

Sorry Clarkey, don't mean to pick at your post, just confused about a couple of things...you said in one post you have 3 children but then also said it's hard for your parents looking after 2 young children. Can I ask where the third child is? Don't have to answer if you don't want to.

You say you can't have them back while with your partner but said they're not with your parents because of him anyway. So if you left him will you be able to get them back? Hopefully you will.

I'm sure your parents must have some idea what's going on? Could you really not tell them? Would it be any worse than how you're living now?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 20:11

Hi FlameProofBoots my parents don't know about my domestic abusive relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 20:13

Hi Badlybehaved yes i was trying for legal aid to get my children back in my care the solicitor made an application for legal aid but it was refused to couldn't get any more help off a solicitor.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 20:18

Hi tipsytrifle i spoke to rspca and they cannot help me with fostering her at the moment as they are full and there are no spaces so she may have to go on a waiting list to be fostered while i get out of the abusive relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 20:20

Hi IDepend i am not sure if the courts would let me have my children back now as my children have been with there grandparents for a few years now.

OP posts:
UptownFunk00 · 07/12/2015 21:06

Could you post that you need a nice family for DDog to stay with for a while? Maybe your parents could help with putting an ad up?

So sorry you are in this position.

MrsGradyOldLady · 07/12/2015 21:45

RSPCA are not the only rescue. Try contacting others.

Are/were there substance abuse issues? Don't feel that you have to answer that if you don't want to.

Marilynsbigsister · 07/12/2015 22:17

Clarkey , what is it that you want to get from posting ? You have had a number of threads where you state you are in an abusive relationship, that you have had conversation with women's aid, and there it stops. Your partner works , you get out of the house everyday and go to your parents to see the dcs . There is a lot of opportunity for you to move into a refuge . Your explanation regarding your children also makes no sense. You tell us that you cannot have your children back whilst you are with their father. Yet in the next post you say your violent partner has no bearing on the situation with the children. You then continue to tell us that your children are living with your parents but are unaware of your abusive relationship. This simply cannot be right. If social services have placed the children with your parents then they would know EXACTLY the reason for the placement. Which means they know he is the problem. I simply can't get my head around someone who is more concerned about the possibility of embarrassment of telling your parents your relationship is emotionally abusive above NEVER living with your children. Surely having your baby removed at birth trumps every other thing possible in the embarrassment stakes ?
Every time someone suggests a way to move forward you bring up a reason it won't work. The latest is the dog.. if I were in your shoes I would go to women's aid with the dog. Tell them you have left. You won't be the first woman with a dog they have come across. They will sort the dog AND the injunctions you need to prevent him harming those close to you. They will also contact the police dv unit and give them the heads up. But you have to WANT to do this. The rest is straight forward. Do you have a CPN Clarkey ?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 22:44

Hi UptownFunk00 i am chatting with a lady from the rspca who is going to give me other numbers for people who do foster dogs from woman escaping domestic abuse relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 22:46

Hi MrsGradyOldLady no there weren't any substance abuse issues.

OP posts:
MrsGradyOldLady · 07/12/2015 22:48

Sorry I wasn't trying to be offensive. I was just wondering what circumstances could have resulted in your children being removed and your parents not knowing that your partner was abusive. I'm sorry I was off the mark. They must know then surely?

Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 22:52

Hi Marilynsbigsister i have been told i cannot have the children back in my care while i am still with there father but he doesn't see his children or spend any time with them because he chooses not to but i still can't have them in my care while i am in a relationship with him and of course i want my children back in my care and start being a mum again what is a CPN??

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarkey2345 · 07/12/2015 22:55

MrsGrayOldLady my partner didn't speak with social services and attend any meeting to discuss our children there are also other reasons aswell, he doesn't spend any time with his children or ask how they are he very rarely sees them only if he wants to.

OP posts: