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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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BettinaMc · 06/10/2015 15:55

No you ANBU. He should have told you that she was an ex then you could have made the choice at the beginning whether or not you were happy to be in a relationship with someone who has such a 'close' relationship with an ex. He never gave you that choice.

HellKitty · 06/10/2015 15:58

I would have got my Sharpie out and drawn a moustache, a bikini top and some blacked out teeth on them. Then left them for him to see and explain. But I'm childish.

EponasWildDaughter · 06/10/2015 15:59

YANBU OP.

Ask MN to move this to 'Relationships'. There will be a lot of kind and wise support there.

(not that there's no one here kind or wise of course, but it's more geared that way on Rships)

TheWitTank · 06/10/2015 16:02

Yikes. So do you think they are having an affair now, or is it all in the past? You need to speak to your OH.

flustercuck · 06/10/2015 16:02

My ex had a similar lady in his life. To begin with I was happy to befriend her. Turned out his friend was partial to giving him blowjobs in doorways after nights out.

Original poster
binders1 · 06/10/2015 16:03

HellKitty - I love that idea!
Eponas, I'm pretty new to mumsnet don't know how to contact MN and them to move it.

OP posts:
Muckogy · 06/10/2015 16:04

get the topless photos. scan them in and then email them to everyone you know and everyone at their work.

Whatevva · 06/10/2015 16:05

Just report your own post and ask for it to be moved.

lunar1 · 06/10/2015 16:05

Do you know if it has stopped?

Nabootique · 06/10/2015 16:06

I'm with TheWitTank. Need more info. Do you think they've been on and off for years, or did it go on for all those years, so does she just send provocative photos at random intervals?

HirplesWithHaggis · 06/10/2015 16:06

Click "report" on your op, and ask them to move.

WyldChyld · 06/10/2015 16:06

Ouch! OP, are the photos from the timescale that you and your DP were together?

RainbowFlutterby · 06/10/2015 16:07

I've reported the post and asked for it to be moved.

Sorry, I have no advice OP, but good luck. Flowers

BitOfFun · 06/10/2015 16:07

Ignore Muckogy unless you want a criminal record. So sorry you had to find out like this- I'd be having serious thoughts about how I could trust a man who had lied to my face.

Original poster
binders1 · 06/10/2015 16:07

TheWitTank - No, I don't think they are having an affair. I don't know if it's some kind of friend with benefits thing when they are between relationships. How do I speak to OH without saying I've been looking through his private letters.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2015 16:08

I'd take the latest ones you can find down to your DH and ask him to explain himself, tbh. I certainly wouldn't publicise them to anyone else.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2015 16:09

xpost - you can't escape telling him that you've seen his private letters, but you could say that the bag or box that they were in fell over and they scattered all over the floor, you saw her face on the photo and recognised her so delved a little further...

HellKitty · 06/10/2015 16:11

You thought that there was a mouse in the loft. You checked and his bag fell over with her tits everywhere.

99percentchocolate · 06/10/2015 16:12

I'm so sorry op, you must be feeling very confused and upset about this all.
I would ask him to explain himself and see what he says before making any decisions. Though I probably wouldn't want to see this woman again regardless of what he says (but then I'm not a very forgiving person).
I've reported your post and asked this thread to be moved to relationships so don't worry if you can't figure out how to do it yourself (I said in my report that you weren't sure how to)

Original poster
binders1 · 06/10/2015 16:13

Thanks RainbwFlutterby. No the photo's are up to my relationship I would say and she was getting married when we met. I was invited to the wedding, so you would hope it was over by then!

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 06/10/2015 16:13

I would say that I was sorting the loft and the bag fell over spilling the letters everywhere and when you were tidying you saw the photos. The secrecy of this 'friends with benefits' thing would bug me, particularly with her being all touchy feely with him all the time. Perhaps avoiding these particular friends from now on would be better -is your OH likely to make a fuss if you do?

Original poster
binders1 · 06/10/2015 16:16

Thanks guys, I will go find myself in Relationships!

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 06/10/2015 16:17

I have had flings over the years with some of my male friends but never while they've been in relationships. It's never been an issue because they haven't lied to their partners about it.

It's the lying that's the problem

BathtimeFunkster · 06/10/2015 16:17

You looked at things in a box in your home.

He has been lying to your face for the whole time you've known him.'

I think if he starts squealing that you've done him wrong you'll have yet another indication that he is a shit man.

Berylpeep · 06/10/2015 16:22

So he basically lied to your face about her being an ex?

And he kept topless pictures of her in the house?

And she sleazes over your man anytime you go out?

I'd arrange a night out, the four of you (her OH has to be there).

After you have been out for an hour or two, I'd say something like 'I can't believe you two never dated!' in a jolly tone.

Giggles will no doubt follow and protests of 'Oh, no, never!".

Then I 'd get the pics and letter out, throw them on the table and say 'Strange, you say you never dated?".