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Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
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Original poster
binders1 · 07/10/2015 12:16

HelloKitty. It's great that you can make me laugh during this. Do you mind... I have copied your impressive artwork and blown it up on an A4 piece of paper with your permission of course. Not sure what I am going to do with it... but a few ideas spring to mind! Thanks.

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 07/10/2015 12:30

hellokitty Grin

binders you could print several of them and pin them throughout the house leading to the attic....like a trail

FelicityGubbins · 07/10/2015 12:56

I would get it printed on a Christmas card and send it to him (OH)) and possibly her too...

Aramynta · 07/10/2015 13:01

HellKitty LOL

You have to put it in the bag OP. Please please please Grin

In all seriousness though you need to protect yourself. Ask him and see what he says. If he lies just ignore him until you hear the truth.

Wine
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/10/2015 13:17

I'm not sure if I made my point badly Binders - I honestly don't think you're a dick for not knowing for the last 14 years, that would be crazy - I probably should have worded my comment better! I meant that if this woman's DH already knows about it, then you are the only one who doesn't and hasn't for the last 14 years and the rest of them would just be "So? What's your point?" and you'd feel a bit embarrassed if that happened - hence not doing it to avoid the public humiliation potential.

Yes, I worded it badly, didn't I - sorry. Blush

Original poster
binders1 · 07/10/2015 13:37

Thumb - No need to apologise. Her DH may possibly know about it, but I'm pretty sure she didn't divulge that she had sex with my OH a few months before her wedding.

I agree, it is my OH I have to deal with. I just still cannot believe, we have been going our for dinner/lunch all this time not knowing that they have been sex buddies for all these years. I always knew something was off. If it's fine, why deny it and why keep it a secret!?

IF he has slept with her whilst we have been together it's OVER! I DONT CARE IF THE LAST TIME WAS 5 YEARS AGO!

IF he hasn't slept with her, then I don't think IABU to demand he has no further contact with her unless via tel, text, social media whatever. WHY, because that's what you get when you lie and disrespect me. Because they have been shagging each other for years. Because even getting married didn't stop her!

If it all goes pear shaped, they can go F-off together in the sunset!

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 07/10/2015 13:42

binders

A good plan.

Original poster
binders1 · 07/10/2015 13:44

Thanks Phoenix!

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 07/10/2015 13:48

If I was considering staying, severing all contact with her permanently would be my first condition.

PeopleLieActionsDont · 07/10/2015 13:58

Even without the lies about the nature of their relationship, you told your h that her behaviour made you feel.uncomfortable and he has ignored your feelings and put you in this situation regardless.

Is this a man you want to stay married to? If you are willing to get past that, in your shoes I would be saying that he has to end the 'friendship'. She is not a friend to your marriage and at the very least your h has been encouraging this behaviour.

Him ending all association with her would be dealbreaker stuff for me.

Original poster
binders1 · 07/10/2015 14:46

I don't know. Do I do that? Request ALL contact stops?

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 07/10/2015 15:00

I bloody would. He has some serious work to do if he wants to save your relationship I think. Severing contact is the least he can do. What a stupid arse.

BathtimeFunkster · 07/10/2015 15:03

Request nothing.

Wait to see what he comes up with when confronted with the fact that he's been lying to you for your whole relationship.

If he is incredibly sorry, comes up with some plausible justification, and begs you not to dump his sorry arse, then you can consider whether he's worth it and set out your terms for staying together.

Which of course should mean no further contact with the woman he has lied to you about for 14 years.

PeopleLieActionsDont · 07/10/2015 15:08

Of course you can. You are his wife and your comfort should be his absolute priority. He has lied to you for years about the nature of his relationship with this woman. You would never have agreed to socialise with her had you known the truth. Even worse, she has continued to behave inappropriately and he has not only allowed this but implied that there is something wrong with you for implying such a thing!

That is absolutely outrageous behaviour from him. Unforgiveable for many women.

The consequence of such behaviour is that if you stay, you can most definitely insist he cuts all contact. He should count himself lucky hecstill has a wife and should be bending over backwards to put this right.

Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it to me. If he was my husband the cutting of all contact would be non negotiable

I would also contact her husband and tell him why you wont be seeing them again. Poor sod deserves a heads up. But obviously that's a personal choice.

You are definitely not in the wrong to insist though.

BathtimeFunkster · 07/10/2015 15:19

You would never have agreed to socialise with her had you known the truth.

More to the point, you might not have agreed to socialise with him, and shack up with him, and have a child with him, if you'd known he had a long term shagging partner that was going to continue to be a big part of your lives and their past paraded in front of you twice a year.

BerylStreep · 07/10/2015 15:44

I think she is definitely, and he maybe, is getting off on having this as their little secret. When she makes personal comments about things she shouldn't be privy to, she is basically shitting all over you.

HellKitty - I love your drawing!

Marisaurus · 07/10/2015 15:48

Wow - I can't believe this. 14 years!

I have no idea what I would do - but be prepared for him to tell you they've never slept together, it's just nude photos.

I'm not sure I could believe that, and the trust is still gone regardless (sharing secret nudes is still in no way acceptable) but you've got no proof of the shagging.

DontMindMe1 · 07/10/2015 15:51

I had an ex female friend who used to behave like this woman. She always had another guy on the side for sex and attention - despite living with her own partner. The day i introduced my new bf to her she was all over him like a bitch on heat - always sitting next to him, introducing him to others as soon as we walked into a room, following him to the bar or dance floor, having 'private' conversations with him in public and on her phone. Her partner would also just sit there with a pained/pissed off expression on his face but he let it happen and never said a word. Nobody else would admit her behaviour was out of order because on it's own each of those 'incidents' could be passed off as innocent. Eventually i had it out with her and she acted all hurt and offended and made herself out to be a victim of my 'insecurity' Hmm

My bf acted 'oblivious' to it all too, said i was being insecure and petty whenever i brought it up with him and despite my asking he never did anything about it. He enjoyed the attention and he let it carry on - after all it was 'harmless and she doesn't mean anything by it' Hmm

Two months after i ditched her and the 'oblivious' bf i found out they'd been having 'secret' sex sessions - she had deliberately slept with my bf while i was going out with him and all the people who wouldn't admit her behaviour was out of order KNEW! I only found out because they all fell out with a member of their group and her 'revenge' on them was to tell me what had been going on. Turns out her bf knew all about her crushes/infatuations with other guys (not sure if he knew about the sex part) but he 'accepted' it unwillingly.

you said you only meet up as couples twice a year - i'd be highly suspicious of what goes on during their tete a tete meetings. He's lied to your face and deceived you about something he had no reason to - if all was innocent - and he's sharing personal stuff about your relationship with her.... i think it's probable that he's still shagging her on the sly because they both 'get off' on the secrecy, and even if he isn't he is enjoying the attention she gives him and is getting a kick out of it. There's either a physical affair or an emotional affair going on.

HellKitty · 07/10/2015 15:57

You're very welcome! I hope he likes it too Hmm

I'd be worried about the things she knows about you both that weren't said at the get togethers. They're obviously in a fair bit of contact.

SrAssumpta · 07/10/2015 17:43

Definitely don't even mention the photos, just say you know. I certainly wouldn't be waiting for him to realize they're gone, it's far too big a deal for that.

MissBattleaxe · 07/10/2015 18:38

Poor you OP. They are both massively taking the piss with their flirty "we know something you don't know" club.

Confront him with what you found and don't let him sidetrack you into a diversion about why you were looking at his stuff. You've been a couple for fourteen years. There shouldn't be secret hiding places for secret stuff.

Original poster
binders1 · 08/10/2015 13:08

There's no deal-breaker to be had. It's over. Turns out they've slept together on a few occasions whilst we have been together.

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 08/10/2015 13:18

I'm so sorry binders Flowers

What an utter twunt cunt

BathtimeFunkster · 08/10/2015 13:28

So sorry, binders.

Hope you are OK. Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/10/2015 13:29

Oh fuckaduck, Binders - I'm so sorry. :( What an utter arse he has been. Have you booted him out now?