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Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
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MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 06/10/2015 16:22

Afternoon all,

We're going to move this thread over to our Relationships topic now, as requested.

shutupanddance · 06/10/2015 16:27

Op. Your h hasn't a leg to stand on. You are not jn the wrong looking at these pictures, letters. Wtf has he kept them?Shock

Original poster
binders1 · 06/10/2015 16:28

Beryl, I did think about the next time we met (which we won't be again) that I would have a little chat with little old 'friend' and say I never knew you had been sleeping together on and off all these years! Does your DH know?

OP posts:
Berylpeep · 06/10/2015 16:32

I wouldn't do it one to one, OP.

Her OH needs to see the photos and also to see her reaction (and your OH's reaction) to them.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 06/10/2015 16:33

Probably best to talk to him, not her. Not least because if you mention it to her, and you've given her the perfect excuse for phonecalls and meetings with him to 'discuss' it.

And she hasn't lied to you, your partner has. Tell him the box fell over while you were getting your winter clothes down (or whatever) and then ask him about the photos - and ask him why he felt it was fine to lie to you.

Fairenuff · 06/10/2015 16:39

How long have you been with him?

Original poster
binders1 · 06/10/2015 16:41

14 yrs Fairenuff!

OP posts:
Berylpeep · 06/10/2015 16:45

Jesus, 14 years.

Have you lived together for all that time?

ItchyArmpit · 06/10/2015 16:55

I'd arrange a night out, the four of you (her OH has to be there).

get the pics and letter out, throw them on the table and say 'Strange, you say you never dated?".

Don't do this ^^.
Your OH has lied to you over the very long-term. It is your OH you need to talk to. Utterly, publicly humiliating the friend and her husband too is not going to help this situation, and that particular course of action wouldn't do much for your own dignity either.

At the minute you just don't know enough about what's been going on, and when/if it stopped.

Sorry. It's a pretty shit situation to be in Sad

LuckyCornish13 · 06/10/2015 17:00

You've said you've asked him before if they'd ever been out/dated, have you ever asked if anything has ever happened between them or if they've ever slept together?

Because he might try and argue that he hadn't lied, they've never been out, it's just casual sex etc.

And I'm not defending him in anyway; I can just see him trying to weasel out of lying to you or turning it round on you!

And 14 years of letting you sit across a table from her and watching her behave like that and then act like you're imagining things whilst knowing he had those photos and letters is really grim Flowers

RivieraKid · 06/10/2015 17:02

watching her behave like that and then act like you're imagining things whilst knowing he had those photos and letters is really grim

Isn't that called gaslighting?

BumgrapesofWrath · 06/10/2015 17:03

I'm going to go against the grain here. If this sexual affair was before your relationship why does it matter? And why can't they be friends even if they've had sex in the past?

I would argue that what your OH did before your relationship is actually none of your business.

bjrce · 06/10/2015 17:09

The op did say, the photos were right up to her wedding, are you saying this carry on was continuing all the time you and your h were dating right up until you got married? Or until she got married?

AnyFucker · 06/10/2015 17:10

then why lie about it, making OP look like a fool because they have this little secret between them ?

it's not what he did before their relationship, it's the subsequent dishonesty about it (when asked a direct question) and the fact that Op already was feeling uncomfortable with their cosying up

shovetheholly · 06/10/2015 17:10

Yes, you need to talk to him. There are two possibilities:

  1. It's an affair
  1. They have been off-on lovers in the past, but have been just friends for years and years now.

Just because someone has shagged someone else in the past does not mean that they continue to do so (or even have any interest in doing so). Nor can you assume that the fact he's kept these things is significant. I would take their sequestration in a corner of your loft as a good sign that he's forgotten they exist. They're not in a bejwelled box under the bed marked 'My Precious Boob Pics' anyway. Grin

However, that said, I do think the fact that he has lied to you is a very real issue. It would upset and bother me too. He may have done so because he felt the truth would lead to demands to end the friendship, and he wanted an easy life. There may be more sinister motivations. You need to talk to him about this and see where you stand. But I'm not sure you have grounds for demanding he never sees her again or anything like that.

DoJo · 06/10/2015 17:12

If this sexual affair was before your relationship why does it matter?

Because the OP asked him and he lied. He could have said that he didn't want to discuss his past sexual relationships, he could have told the truth, but he lied and then made out that the OP was being ridiculous by thinking that her behaviour when they meet made it seem like there was more to their past than just platonic friendship.

BitOfFun · 06/10/2015 17:12

Berylpeep, that stuff's all very well if you are writing a soap opera, but it's really not going to achieve anything productive in real life.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 06/10/2015 17:13

But he lied Bumgrapes. One thing to say 'none of your business', another for him to laugh at her and lie, and call her ridiculous when he had love letters and naked photos of her in the loft above his partners head!

Isn't that what's known as gaslighting? Making someone feel that they were wrong and paranoid and shouldn't trust their feelings, when they were actually bang on?

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 06/10/2015 17:14

**and call her ridiculous when he had love letters and naked photos of her (her being the 'friend') in the loft above his partners head!

Original poster
binders1 · 06/10/2015 17:26

Damn it, I keep trying to post and it keeps throwing me out. Thanks for all your comments.
bjrce - when I started seeing OH, she was about to get married.
Bumgrapes - you're right his past is his past but it is my business when they could still be getting together and not when she is being inappropriate in my presence. And if it's not an issue why say they had not dated.
Lucy - I get your point and that's exactly the type of thing he would do but when I ask if they have dated, that includes having sex.
AF - spot on - that's it, I feel like I have been made a fool of.
Shovetheholly- shagging someone in the past doesn't mean they continue to do so - that's the thing though, they have continued to do so over many years.

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 06/10/2015 17:36

Also, if it's all so innocent and you were going out as a foursome, wouldn't it be normal for everyone to know about each other and maybe sometimes even talk about something funny from said past relationship otherwise it's like an elephant in the room. Why is it a secret!?

OP posts:
Aramynta · 06/10/2015 17:45

I understand OP. It's not about the fact that they were together, it's the fact that when you suspected something was amiss and confronted him about it he lied to you.

In fact he didn't just lie to you, he lied and made out you were being ridiculous and that it was all in your head. Then laughed about it when you asked if they had been out with each other.

Don't bother with making excuses as to why or how you found the letters. Present them to him and ask him why he lied and why he made out like you were paranoid.

When he throws the classic "why were you looking at my stuff" line at you, tell him it is irrelevant and ask him to explain. If he continues to twist it so you are the bad person stand your ground and simply say "until you are willing to admit you were wrong and discuss this with me I don't want to hear it".

Then shut him down with the silent treatment until he tells you what you effectively already know. It is fascinating what little truths people will reveal when they are desperate to be acknowledged.

Thanks
Fairenuff · 06/10/2015 17:49

I would tell him that I knew he had lied and because of that I felt it would be inappropriate to continue being friends with this couple. Then see what he does.

If he agrees, admits that he did lie and that he shouldn't have, apologies and agrees that it's best to knock that friendship on the head now, then you might have a half decent bloke there.

If he tries to deny it, minimise, blame or excuse, he's a lost cause.

jellyjiggles · 06/10/2015 18:02

There's a few factors in this to consider.

  1. They haven't said anything because it happened and it's now no big deal. They'd rather just be friends and therefore haven't said anything incase of partner jealousy.
  2. They're still having a relationship and therefore obviously hiding it.
  3. I suspect from what you've said there is definitely an ongoing attraction and in sorry to say it sounds like an opportunistic affair. They keep it low profile to go undetected. If you ask you'll get a load of 'I've known her for years, she's one of my best friends. Don't be ridiculous' etc.

Personally I'd be saying nothing yet and watching them extremely closely. Does your dh take care over his appearance when your going to see her. Do they arrange time on their own ie trips to the bank, stay out longer with each other. All of these are red flags!

Original poster
binders1 · 06/10/2015 18:21

I can't watch them carefully as I only see them once or twice a year. I don't know how many times he sees her as he doesn't mention her because he knows how sarcastic I am when I hear him say her name. Last time we met them, I told him to watch her and have a bit of respect for her DH because she was embarrassing to watch, following him around like a puppy. He said she doesn't do anything. Last time he went to bar and she nearly fell over herself to go with him and I coughed and raised my eyebrow at him and said just so he could hear me 'really?' It's hard to explain unless you're there. As he likes his keepsakes, I am going to go back into the loft and just see if there is anything else up there from her during the years we have been together. And even if it is all the past Jelly, I don't want to see her again, I won't stop him from seeing her and whilst she is still current, I don't want her naked photos either!

OP posts: